Diary Entry #26
Diary entry #26
TW- ed (my blog is not going to become an ed blog so like if you’re triggered by that sort of stuff I will not talk about it a lot and I will label it every time), family stuff, sui
It feels like I’m in an endless cycle of suffering in a lot of different ways, just stacking on top of each other and melting together. I’m back on my ed bullshit unfortunately, triggered by me stopping my depression/sleep meds that made me binge all the time for like 5 fucking years among other things. I’m always stopped before I can hurt myself too terribly, but I don’t want to be stopped this time.
My grandma always thinks I’m starving myself for attention or whatever, but it’s like a drive in me or something. I always need to destroy myself somehow, and this is one way I can do so. I think she thinks I’m an attention whore, which in some ways I might be, but starving myself for attention would be even more miserable than me doing it to lose weight/hurt myself. I hate having an ed so much. It gives me a bit of control over my life, but I am so cold and so tired all the time. I think my grandparents do not think of me highly at all, and I’m hurt by that quite a lot.
At this point, if my grandparents try to stop me, maybe I’ll tell them the truth. I have no control over my life, I’m just a hamster on a wheel. I want my body to be androgynous, because that’s the best I can get right now without control over what I’m wearing and my haircut, and also lack of T. I could technically wear what I want, but last time I tried that my grandma called me the D slur. I know trying to look more like how I want is a fool’s errand, and I mostly just want to destroy myself.
Sometimes I really think that I should die. That everyone would be better off without me. But there’s a couple major things that are affecting that thought. I have stopped caring if people hate me as much; if they hate me, I can’t control it. In fact, their spite kind of keeps me alive. If I die looking like a girl… I don’t even know. I want to die as a man. And also, I’m probably too much of a pussy to actually kms.
Sorry I bitch a lot on here, I have no one to talk to.
More Posts from Auggieoof and Others
Tw- transphobia
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Talking to a therapist lady and my grandma goes “”she”” wants to transgender. SHE WANTS TO TRANSGENDER. Fucking hilarious but not so funny when you realize she doesn’t support me at all. She thinks it’s some sort of trend or choice? Or something? I don’t really know. I mean I kinda get it sorta because I change my mind very quickly on things but transitioning isn’t, like, a super fast process… you don’t have to jump to T right away, it can start slow! Also I’ve known I was trans for about two years now. But this means I *might* be able to change her mind… idk though. All I want is to feel comfortable in my own skin but I suppose that’s too much to ask. Also the therapist lady asked if I was influenced by anything… bruh. I’ve known for two years at this point, if this was a hyperfixation it would’ve been gone by now. Sorry that I prefer to be called “he” I guess. Now I’m doubting myself, but maybe that was the point. I don’t know what else to add, so post over I guess.
Repost these everywhere! Give if you have it!
Starting a diary series! I'm starting today hope I stick with it lol
*writing my stupid little fanfiction*
*looks down at ipad*
[ID: a picture of a cat screaming superimposed on a simple background; the cat is screaming "WHY IS IT SO ASS???". There's an ipad which says "stupid fanfiction that isn't good but is bouncing around in my brain and won't leave". /END ID]
"I want to be a dragon."
"ohh what if my kid starts identifying as a CAT because of the trans agenda we have to prote—" well they've always done that. do you remember the psychological effects of h2o on young girls. of warrior cats on autistic children. i believed i was a demigod because of percy jackson. twilight came out and kids were telling their friends they were secretly vampires. this is just a thing kids do. worry less
Pride is not pride without including disabled queer people. 🌈
I can't help anyone until I move out since my grandma checks my card history, and I'm not allowed to give out anything, but I wanted to boost this.
I really fear that I'm gonna be in this exact situation soon when I move out. I'm autistic, have not a lot of life skills, and although I can work I don't have college experience and that worries me. But I have no choice but to move out, or face literal death. I don't know sorry
if ur posting "trans people you have to survive" go do something about it? how many homeless trans people have u materially helped today? nothing changed right now. we been suffering already. where the fuck have u been every day that's not election day
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stupidlittlequeer liked this · 2 months ago -
auggieoof reblogged this · 3 months ago
19 Trans FTM and pansexualSpecial Interests: Pizza Tower, FNAF, DHMIS, Vocaloid/UTAUloid/Maidloid, trans issues/rights, Mario, PvZ, Spooky Month, and many more!Hope you like my page lol
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