I Would Date The Hell Out Of This Person, What Is WRONG WITH HIM

I would date the hell out of this person, what is WRONG WITH HIM

One of the people I worked with at the sex shop was a lady in her early forties. She had the most deranged sex stories and to be honest I could never tell how much was real.

I think probably all of it was true? But when someone tells you that a man showed up at her door with a sheet cake he wanted her to sit on so he could eat it off her ass it’s fair to be somewhat skeptical.

Aaaanyway. She hooked up a lot and ended up on a casual date with this guy. She was really stoked to be wearing a button up shirt with snaps, so later when they got to his place she could rip the shirt open like in the movies.

Now, it's worth noting she was a bigger gal, and her cleavage could have suffocated a grown man, it was substantial. There was a lot of boob real estate, okay?

So they get back to his place, and she finally gets to have her moment. She rips her shirt open dramatically, displaying the wealth of her cleavage. At first her dates face was excited and delighted. But as his eyes trailed down he began to slowly frown, which I think we can all agree is not what anyone wants when you've just laid yourself bare in a literal fashion.

She looked down to check herself, and there, nestled like a little baby bird in a nest of boob, was a single dorito.

When she told me this story she admitted, "I knew I had a choice. I could get laid, or I could eat the chip."

She ate the chip.

Her date looked repulsed, but she wanted to take one last crack at riding that man, so she did jazz hands and sang in a silly vaudevillian accent, "🎶You should probably put yer meat in me! You should probably put yer meat in me!🎶"

He drove her home shortly afterward, the coward.

(BETA FOUND!) ISO language beta for a Deadloch fic!

EDIT: Dreams really do come true! An amazing beta has gone over the fic and it will be posted in about a week. Thanks to everyone who helped put us in touch -- go team! :-D

I'm looking for a speaker of Australian English to look over a long fic and point out where I've got the dialect wrong. I'd be happy to return the favor for you if you ever want that; I have excellent attention to detail and I speak a very standard/unmarked US English. If you have other feedback to share about my story I'd love that, but I won't expect it.

STORY NOTES:

Fandom: Deadloch

Pairings: Eddie/Dulcie are definitely the main one. Eddie/Cath are shown making out once. There is also one Dulcie/Eddie/Cath sex scene at the end but otherwise no Dulcie/Cath or Eddie/Cath is shown (though both are mentioned).

Length: long! ~83,000 words.

Rating: explicit. The first 1/3 of the story is UST and pining. The sex scenes all come after that, but there are a lot of them.

Canon-compliant. Set after the end of the series proper, starting right after Ray’s death. Includes the canon epilogue scene (in which Eddie and Dulcie visit Holly) and then continues after that.

I didn’t like Cath in canon but I think she could get her shit together and be a better person and a better partner, and I’ve leaned into that very hard, while doing my best to also keep her in character.

CONTENT WARNINGS:

Trigger warning for gender dysphoria. See spoiler warning if that’s you.

One quick memory of intimate partner violence (the time in canon when Ray tried to strangle Eddie).

All sex scenes are enthusiastically consensual but there's a power imbalance around couple privilege. It’s dealt with in-story.

Expanded trigger warning WITH SPOILER: a character experiences gender dysphoria with triggers around specific sex acts and one specific word. Reference to that character being triggered with past partners, including one brief but pretty painful memory of a sex act that the character wanted at the time but that feels different in hindsight. However, this is a story about trans joy as well; there is a payoff later, and eventually a happy ending for this character.

If you’re interested but on the fence about committing to this, PM me and we can talk about what’s making you hesitate. I will of course credit you when I post my story.

Tags

fanfic fanfiction beta reader fanfic writing beta readers deadloch eddie redcliffe dulcie collins dulcie collins/eddie redcliffe dulcie/eddie beta reader wanted beta readers wanted

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