Part 1

Got tagged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city . And I suppose I kinda look like the end result... if I had been born Asian instead of Latinx! 😂

Picrew

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Leaving Fundamentalism...

...was hard for me. From birth, I was raised in a radically conservative family of Christians. But even at a young age, I didn’t feel connected to the beliefs I was spoon fed in every aspect of my life. 

I was made to feel guilty for not having blind faith. I was made to feel like I was a horrible person when doctrine was explained and it still didn’t make sense. I was made to feel shame for faking ‘my beliefs’. All for the sake of obeying my parents and being accepted by the only community I was allowed to be in.

But finally, after years of pressure and self doubt, I’m finally free.

There are still things I’m working on. I still am triggered and feel sick at the thought of entering a church or when I hear Christian music. I’m still trying to push aside the anti lgbtq+ thoughts I get automatically, even though I know the only reason I was against them was because I was told I was supposed to be - and without that harmful religion dictating my thoughts, there’s no reason why I should be against them.

And while I still have a ways to go towards a life where the trauma doesn’t affect me all the time, I can see the progress I’ve made already.

When I hear someone - like my family or random person - talk about Christianity, I now feel the same level of indifference towards it that I feel towards other religions with flawed beliefs/doctrine.

Yes, every now and then I still have that sense of dread that if I don’t believe in Christ that I’m going to suffer in hell for all eternity (such a wholesome thought that stems from a religion that says its based on universal love), but for the most part, now I can remember all those Bible stories and treat them the same as Greek myths. I can respect that someone’s Christian beliefs gives them comfort, but I don’t have to agree with them to be in a relationship with them. 

Finally, I’m free to be on the outside and look in with indifference.

Inspired by the great and might Starhorse. You can see her original brilliance here http://the-starhorse.deviantart.com/gallery/1060568

Link to FREE pack! https://www.neonmob.com/redeem/ANAZENART18671

Why Aren’t There Youtube Videos for ‘How to Deal with Harassment in a Martial Arts Studio’ ? 

Because, quite honestly, there should be.

Some background, ‘real quick’.

I’ve actually been pretty lucky so far in all the places I’ve trained at. Though maybe because I’ve never been a grown ass woman training on my own before. Before this, I trained with my mom and sister, and it was during my middle school to high school years. I’ve been a white belt (level 1 newbie) four times now because we were constantly moving.

In my very first dojo, I was trained in both TaeKwonDo and American Karate by a Puerto Rican former military man. This man, my first Sensei, he was TOUGH. And he made sure his students, especially his female students, knew how to defend themselves. So he trained us hard, and he trained us to fight dirty (when it came to self defense in the real world. If you did any dirty fighting in the dojo, at the very least you’d be getting fifty fist pushups on the tile floor).

So even after bouncing from several other martial art styles and quite a dry spell, when I joined the TaeKwonDo studio I’m currently at, I was actually way better than a white belt. After all, I had been three belts away from earning a black belt in TaeKwonDo and American Karate at my first dojo. And my current instructor recognizes this and is quick to praise how quickly I’m picking the skills up again. I even managed to rank up to the next belt in less than a month!

I was really enjoying myself. After all, I had taken martial arts up again not for the prestige, but for the exercise and community. And even as an awkward kid, I always felt at my most confident throwing punches and breaking boards.

And then some twit showed up and had to ruin it.

This dude, we shall call him… Bob, enrolled about three weeks after I did. Right off the bat I could tell this dude had never trained in any martial arts before. The guy’s technique is very clumsy at best, and sloppy at worst. I don’t mean to disparage him. He’s only a white belt, after all. I don’t expect him to have a honed technique. Especially since he doesn’t seem to be taking the training seriously (or at least, as seriously as I am. My first sensei made sure I never threw a punch or kick that wasn’t peak form).

So what’s my deal with Bob?

In short, so many things. 

The long of it is that I’m starting to feel like he’s lowkey harassing me.

Since we’re both the lowest belts in the class (and we’re lined up by rank) we often end up next to each other during stretches/training, and are taught new techniques together.

(Quick question, if I dude is grunting during a workout next to a woman, is that a creepy gym guy move? Or am I reading into it too much? Because I feel like he grunts a lot when we’re stretching and doing situps/pushups next to each other. And I don’t hear any of the other men in the class grunting).

So besides the awkward grunting, he’s also given me a hard time for not being able to do a full situp, and even saying I didn’t do the require number of situps just because I finished before him (let’s see you do a full situp with double D cups on your chest, dude).

But the thing that’s been building up is his constant harassing me about going to the sparring classes.

At my current studio, you can decide how many classes a week you want to attend. I attend the two adult classes regularly (which, I might add, Bob does not). Then there’s an option to join one of the sparring classes for those who are interested.

When I first started martial arts, I was just a kid. I hadn’t even hit puberty yet, and was still pretty small. Sparing was for the older students who could be trusted to hold their punches back, or at least be more responsible in the event of an accident. My mom did some sparring, and she told me about how scary it was at first. And how she accidentally almost hurt one of the teen boys because they underestimated her and she didn’t have a good grasp on controlling her strength yet (I like to say I get my valkyrie genes from her).

Combine that with my base instinct to get physically violent when pushed to my limit. (Seriously, growing up, I used to bite kids who angered me). Needless to say, I don’t feel I’m ready to take on sparring until I know I have full control of my body. Right now, I’m still getting back into the swing of things; learning how to aim my punches and kicks, and getting a sense of my limbs' reach. I’m not ready to spar.

And this (insert your choice word for a cocky, delusional, disrespectful, creepy dude), has been harassing me about not going to the sparring sessions since he got here. Because he’s been going to these sessions and keeps asking why I’m not going.

Actually, he’s not asking. He’s guilting and harassing me. 

Because his pitch to get me to go, whenever I have repeatedly told him I’m not ready to go, is usually along the lines of: “You should come. I’m just a white belt and I’ve been going since I started. Why don’t you come-?” IN THE MOST CONDESCENDING VOICE IMAGINABLE.

Now, I regret being nice to him. I regret helping him go over katas/forms. I regret politely listening while he complained about the studio (that he’s attending with me right now) and how he might have to attend another studio just so he can learn punches (because this gift to the world didn’t read the sign on the front of the studio that says in BIG LETTERS how TaeKwonDo is known for its powerful KICKS). And most of all, I regret not shutting him down the first time he harassed me about not going to the sparring sessions.

We are NOT friends. He’s NOT entitled to an explanation from me about my personal reasons for not attending the sparring sessions. And he needs to STOP HARASSING ME ABOUT IT.

I spent most of last evening ranting about it to my mom and bestie, and then tossed and turned during the night going over rage induced fantasies where I do attend one sparring session, thoroughly kick him off his ass (with a few broken bones and at least a bleeding nose) - which doesn’t get me banned from the studio because the head instructor was on my side during this fantasy.

So to anyone out there that might have some words of wisdom: what do I do to get this @#$%^& to leave me alone?

Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

For today I have a parking pass for my place of work and NEVER have to take the bus again! (Unless, of course, my car is in the shop), but other than that!

Never again must I worry about catching the right bus. Never have to worry about being too early or too late. Forced to wait at a bus stop covered in graffiti and unspeakable human fluids in the rain, heat, and snow.

Never again do I have to worry about getting a seat, let alone getting a seat that provides me some semblance of personal space. I won’t have to put my bags on the seat next to me to insure some perv doesn’t force themselves upon me.

Never again will I be forced to listen to other people’s music and ticktock videos, babies wailing, and crotchety old men state their unwanted opinions loudly, as if we weren’t in a confined space and can’t hear them despite our headphones trying to drown them out.

Never again worry about unstable people causing scenes so violent and disturbing and mentally upsetting that I burst into a fit of tears and shakes the moment I’m able to get home and feel safe again.

Never again.

Me when comparing attractive men with my best friend:

And then this is my response to her picks:

What I Love About Black Widow 2021

SPOILERS, so read at your own risk ;)

There are so many things I absolutely loved about the Black Widow movie it would be insane to try and mention all of them, but I'm going to hit some of my favorites:

Firstly, we get to really see Nat shine as a fully fleshed out and relatable character, rather than obligatory female member and eye candy.

She doesn't like letting people get close to her because when she does, she tends to love them with all her heart and will do anything for them. So when they betray her or are taken away, the pain is so overwhelming that it's easier to try and forget them, and keep everyone else at a distance. But even after all that time has passed, you can see she never really let her loved ones go; they were always in her heart and she will always love them (something I can relate to).

And it's not just her family she cares about. She cares about other people, even the ones who try to kill her. She tried to save that first Widow that went after them - grab her before she fell, and then tried to administer first aide. When she sees that there are more girls enslaved, she risks her life to get their information so they can be freed. She doesn't leave Antonia in her cell to die, but lets her out, and then frees her by using one of the few remaining Red Dust cures, which was a risk because they could have needed it in order to create more, and she couldn't have known for sure it would work on Antonia.

Nat shows that compassion and mercy are not weaknesses, but the ultimate strengths.

But she's not without flaws, flaws and regrets that still haunt her. You see the relief in her eyes when she realizes she didn't kill Antonia, but then the guilt of knowing it was her fault she was turned into Taskmaster. To me, it sounded like she was apologizing for both. And it's those feelings of guilt and regret and the need to apologize that really make her human.

And then we see the other Widows take Antonia with them. My bestie put it like this: "Girls helping other girls regardless of what they've been through or done is really so universally powerful."

I love how the underlying themes of family, pain, guilt, mercy, compassion, and inner strength were so prominent in this film and yet, it wasn't preachy. I feel like the best messages are the ones that show rather than tell.

Now onto the not so heavy things I loved:

(Okay, this one is kinda heavy), Loved that despite having been apart for so long, Nat and Yelena easily fall back into being sisters. It's how I am with mine and the film was able to portray that so well.

Love how much of dork Yelena is about her vest and it's pockets. Actually, love how much of a dork Yelena is period. With her disgust of 'poses', blunt observations, and comments on whether something is a cool way to die. (and another slightly heavy love - the fact that she got her dog and named it after the alias Nat pointedly disliked).

Red Guardian being a horrible dad but still trying so hard anyway, because he loves his family and refuses to give up.

All the action scenes. Seriously. Love those action scenes. But also really appreciate the pacing that allowed the characters and audience to breathe.

Melina being the best mom. Every moment she has is a Best Mom moment.

Costumes were amazing. (I want that vest, including all the pockets).

That the director was a woman. Yes to more female directors!

The witty dialogue between all the characters in every scene. Seriously, none of those jokes let me down and had me laughing so hard.

The fact that we get to see a low-key call back to Nat's introduction in Avengers where she pretends to be helpless in order to get the bad guys to reveal their 'diabolical plans'. Works every time.

Still am super sad that Nat Black Widow is dead in the MCU, but I'm thrilled she got to go off on a super high note.

...

Soooo, there actually was one thing I didn't like (but it certainly didn't ruin the movie for me, I am going to watch it again and again and get so much merch).

But I had a problem with Taskmaster.

To me, Taskmaster had the potential to be Marvel's Thrawn (a different sort of main threat that forces the established heroes to struggle in ways they haven't had to before and defeat said threat using new skills). So to treat Taskmaster as more of a throwaway cameo character was disappointing. Because honestly, the story doesn't need them. They could have been swapped with any random Widow and the plot would have stayed exactly the same - having Taskmaster in the movie doesn't add to the story in any way. So I'm hoping Marvel will have someone else take on the mantle and we really get to see them as a major threat.

But other than that, THE MOVIE WAS AMAZING!!! 9/10 from me. It has become one of my top three best/favorite Marvel movies for me, alongside Captain America: the First Avenger and Black Panther.

“You want me to spend money? Fine! Let’s go spend an insane amount of money!”

“Where are we going?” ^_^

“To a BOOKSTORE!”

“…” -_-

(A man gives me unlimited funds, I’m buying a library)

[This was originally for just Sylus, but I got caught up in the moment and now its kinda dramatic, so this could apply to Rafayel.]

He keeps trying to make us use his black card, but he doesn't understand why we aren't buying expensive jewelry, or fancy clothes.

Instead were using it for mundane shit like groceries.

Then he confronts us on why there are only a few small purchases when he literally has MILLIONS.

"You have an unlimited card, and refuse to use it..."

"No I'm using it."

"Not anything substantial."

"What, food isn't substantial to you? I'm using to pay for amenities so I can save up for the more taxing items."

"I gave it to you so you could use it for the more expensive items! In fact, you could even use it to pay for the 'amenities' and still have enough left over to buy a nice summer home!"

"I don't need a summer home!"

"My point is you could buy anything! Jewelry, name brand clothing, if you want food you could buy from somewhere nicer! Instead I have a purchase on my card for an 'Auntie Anne's Pretzels...?'"

"First off, their Pretzels are amazing. Second, I dont want anything fancy! I can't wear jewelry on the job and have no where else to wear such gaudy clothing, not to mention all of those NaMe BrAnD clothes are ugly!"

"Couldn't you at least try getting more expensive tastes?"

"My expensive tastes are junk food and plushies! I have no need for jewelry or bougie shit like you!"

"You could get a million plushies! Or even a custom cake!"

"I dun wannaaaaa!!! I don't need a million plushies! I don't even have the space for that many- and no I'm not buying a summer home- and why would I get a custom cake if it's not for something special?? What you want me to buy a cake with lattice work and marbling that just says 'Congrats! You got out of bed today!'"

"If that's what you wanted; YES! I have more than enough for you to buy a whole mall!"

"I don't need nor want an entire mall!! I just wanted to buy some beef for stew!!!"

"Not even a steak?"

"No!!"

"Then I'll just buy all of jewelry and clothes for you!"

"I have nothing expensive I want!! I just wanted to have stew!"

He's just pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to calm down. This is not only the first time he's given his card to someone and they not rack up a bill. But also the first time hes gotten THIS upset.

"At the very least, tell me you didn't look at the price."

"I did not-"

"Oh thank the gods!"

"Because I already knew it would less than $100."

He feels like he just got punched in the gut. He has to leave the room and cool off before he comes back, grabs us by the wrist and pulls us outside.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere expensive."

"But I don't-"

"Sh! Just... Let me have this..."