Link To FREE Pack! Https://www.neonmob.com/redeem/ANAZENART18671

10 songs I love (in no particular order)

Tagged by my bestie @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city

1) Ai no Melody by KOKIA

2) Stay for Awhile by Amy Grant

3) No Culture by Mother Mother

4) Marian the Librarian from The Music Man

5) No Light, No Light by Florence + The Machine

6) I’ll Set You Free by The Bangles

7) Recuérdame by Natalia Lafourcade

8) (If You’re Not in it for Love) I’m Outta Here by Shania Twain

9) Memories by Within Temptation

10) Shoot Him Down! by Alice Francis

Artist Peeve...

Don't know if anyone else has to go through this, but it happens to me a lot.

And that is when I tell someone I write fiction/draw illustrations, they assume those skills transfer and/or that automatically means I'd want to do a COMPLETLY DIFFERENT MEDIUM FOR THEIR RANDOM PROJECT.

Just because I write fiction, that doesn't mean I'd be any good at writing articles. Just because I do illustrations doesn't mean that I can take photographs any better than the average person.

And did it even occur to the people asking-SAYING I should volunteer to do these other skills/activates that if I didn't mention (and show no evidence of participating in), that maybe, JUST MAYBE, they're not skills I have or activities I enjoy, and I most certainly don't want to do with my time, free or otherwise?

AND CERTAINLY NOT FOR FREE!

Some of My Favorite Autistic (or ASD coded) Characters : Boys

Lt. Commander Data - Star Trek: the Next Generation (1987)

Sherlock Holmes - Sherlock (2010)

Thrawn - Star Wars (1992)

Subaru Mikazuki - My Roommate is a Cat (2019)

Damian Wayne - Son of Batman (2014)

Newt Scamander - Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)

Drax the Destroyer - Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic - Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes (2006)

Donatello “Donnie” Hamato - Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2018)

Tech - Star Wars: The Bad Batch (2021)

Dipper Pines - Gravity Falls (2012)

Rei Suwa - Buddy Daddies (2023)

Abed Nadir - Community (2009)

Hunter - Owl House (2020)

Seto Kaiba - YU-GI-OH! (2000)

Fan Girl Squeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Just found the Gold quote and I had to put is somewhere so I can read it over and over and over again!

"I know. I know. It's just uh... Sweetheart, I'm dying." After Belle says she sorry to hear that Gold continues. "I know that you're confused about who you are, so I'm gonna tell you. You are a hero who helped your people. You're a beautiful woman who loved an ugly man -- really, really loved me. You find goodness in others. And when it's not there, you create it. You make me wanna go back -- back to the best version of me. And that never happened before. So when you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are -- that's who you are. Thank you... Belle."

How Masking has Affected Me

I don’t remember much about how I acted during my childhood. 

I do remember being asked a lot if I was sad when really I was just thinking. I stared into space a lot, imagining stories in my head. 

I remember a few times people took advantage of me because I didn’t realize they had ill intentions (like when I went to a sleepover once and one of the girls said I had the perfect skin for a desert princess look. When she finally finished, and I got a look in the mirror, it was only then that I realized why the other girls had been laughing - because she had made me look like a clown - literally clown like makeup).

I remember it was hard for me to make friends. Especially when we had to move a lot and my so-called friends never kept in touch. I was always the last one to make contact, and I would wonder what I had done wrong that they didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Then high school came around and I got into singing. I remember being praised by my voice teacher for my skills, despite having almost no training. She encouraged me to enter a competition. And while I was one of the better singers there, I didn’t place. Because all I did was sing. During the entire performance I didn’t move. Because I thought the whole point of being a singer and listening to singers was about the voice (I always found it distracting when people moved while they sang). So my teacher recommended I get involved in the local youth theater group.

It was there that I learned how to ‘act’. I even took a workshop in it. My teacher spent most of the time getting me to stop smiling whenever I was portraying anger (I think I might have picked that up from an anime I was watching at the time because no one I knew did that).

Then I went to college and had to do presentations for classes. My mom advised me to pretend like I was playing a character - like I did during the theater productions (because I was a good actor). So I did. And soon, the acting bled out into the rest of my life.

I did it to make friends. I did it to get jobs. I did it with my family so I could finally feel included.

Since college, I’ve had the chance to start over three times. And each time, though I told myself this would be the time where I would let myself be myself, I kept falling back into the Act. 

All smiles, all politeness, all the time.

And it is exhausting. 

Even though I now work in a fairly low key environment, where I don’t have to interact with a lot of people, I always keep the Act up, I’ve always got the Mask On. Because I constantly have to be on guard.

Now I think the Masking is finally getting to me.

Several times during the first few months of my new job, there were very stressful and sometimes volatile meetings I had to attend. And while I was able to hold it together during those meetings, the stress would build up and I would have meltdowns at the office (once to the point where I locked myself in a bathroom stall for twenty minutes because I couldn’t stop crying).

When we were all sent home for 18 months, it was such a relief. For the most part. The constant Zoom meetings tired me out so easily, even when I had the luxury of turning off my camera (which was a huge help).

I actually didn’t learn about the term Masking until about a month ago. I can’t remember how I came across it, but I remember when I did, I felt something click in place. I realized that’s what I had been doing this whole time. And then I realized that since that is what I had been doing, I actually had no idea how I would actually react to anything. Because of the constant masking, I had lost my Sense of Self.

Sure, I know what I like and what I don’t like (if presented with options and choices). But it’s hard for me to know if I’m laughing at something someone said because I actually thought it was funny, or if that’s just the Mask. I don’t know if I’m actually sad when someone tells me about a tragedy in their lives, or if I’ve been trained so well on how to react. I don’t have solid opinions because I tend to side with whoever I’m talking with.

And if I don’t know how I’d react to any given emotional situation, how do I know who I am?

Worse, how do I know if people like me for me, or the Mask? And does that mean I will never be liked and loved for who I really am?

This + Him

Results in this =

You cannot change my mind

Tagged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city (Thanks! I always have fun doing these :3 )

The rules: describe your personality with 4 characters (from books, movies or series)

1. Belle (Beauty and the Beast 1991)

2. Evie Carnahan (The Mummy)

3. Makoto Kino, AKA Sailor Jupiter (Sailor Moon)

4. Veralidaine 'Daine' Sarrasri (The Immortals book series)

'Crashing a Date' and 'Hunter Becomes the Hunted'

Leaving Fundamentalism...

...was hard for me. From birth, I was raised in a radically conservative family of Christians. But even at a young age, I didn’t feel connected to the beliefs I was spoon fed in every aspect of my life. 

I was made to feel guilty for not having blind faith. I was made to feel like I was a horrible person when doctrine was explained and it still didn’t make sense. I was made to feel shame for faking ‘my beliefs’. All for the sake of obeying my parents and being accepted by the only community I was allowed to be in.

But finally, after years of pressure and self doubt, I’m finally free.

There are still things I’m working on. I still am triggered and feel sick at the thought of entering a church or when I hear Christian music. I’m still trying to push aside the anti lgbtq+ thoughts I get automatically, even though I know the only reason I was against them was because I was told I was supposed to be - and without that harmful religion dictating my thoughts, there’s no reason why I should be against them.

And while I still have a ways to go towards a life where the trauma doesn’t affect me all the time, I can see the progress I’ve made already.

When I hear someone - like my family or random person - talk about Christianity, I now feel the same level of indifference towards it that I feel towards other religions with flawed beliefs/doctrine.

Yes, every now and then I still have that sense of dread that if I don’t believe in Christ that I’m going to suffer in hell for all eternity (such a wholesome thought that stems from a religion that says its based on universal love), but for the most part, now I can remember all those Bible stories and treat them the same as Greek myths. I can respect that someone’s Christian beliefs gives them comfort, but I don’t have to agree with them to be in a relationship with them. 

Finally, I’m free to be on the outside and look in with indifference.

Answer 21, Tag 21

Tagged by the wonderful @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city

2. Zodiac Sign: Leo (Greek), Horse (Chinese)

1. Nicknames: Ana, Princess Leia (back in the day when I had hair long enough to do her cinnamon roll buns for real)

3. Height: 5′5 and 3/4

4. Hogwarts: Hufflepuff

5. The Last Thing I googled: Star Wars summer outfit (anyone ever notice no one in Star Wars wears shorts?)

6. Favorite Musicians: Within Temptation, Imagine Dragons, Lindsey Sterling, anything written by Joe Hisashi

7. Song Stuck in My Head: Red Right Hand by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

8. Following Now: Depends on the site (I have a lot of art sites)

9. Followers: Same answer as before 

10. Do I Get Asks?:  Not recently T^T

11. Amount of sleep?: 8-9 hours

12. Lucky Number: 3 or 9

13. What I’m Wearing: My white Chinese flats with blue embroidery and ankle frog ties, dark forest green jeans, a white tank top with porcelain teapot pattern (delicate vintage florals), an electric blue cardigan/throw with matching lace decal down the back, and silver jewelry (dangling drop earrings, a white gold necklace depicting the Children of Leer from Ireland, a lotus and Ankh ring from the King Tut tour, and a ring that says ‘We’re All Mad Here’)

14. Dream Job: Writing YA novels full time

15. Dream Trip: A river cruise down the Nile in Egypt

16. Favorite Foods: Chocolate hazelnut anything, Chicago pizza, and Japanese Royal Milk tea

17. Instruments: Piano, voice (that so counts as an instrument - I had voice lessons)

18. Languages: English, Spanish, a little Japanese, working on Ancient Egyptian

19. Favorite Song: No Light, No Light by Florence + The Machine

20. Random Fact: I have petted a manatee in the wild (which is illegal, but I didn’t know that at the time!)

21. Aesthetic: Asian, Art Deco, and Art Nouveau inspired patterns and designs set on white backgrounds. English cottage decor with dark woods, butterflies/bees/dragonflies, roses, and skeleton keys. Vintage 1940-50s dresses paired with ballet flats in jewel tones or iced pastels.

(Sadly, I don’t have 21 people to tag, so I’m just going to skip that step ;P )