“My Love For You Burned Brighter Than Any Other Flame, But You Were Too Distracted By Pretty Candlelight

“Before you can love someone else, you must first love yourself.“ Bullshit. I loved you till the bottom of my heart. And while loving you, I had these fresh selfmade cuts on my body.”

— fightingborderline

You don’t understand, I don’t want any of it anymore. I don’t want happiness or love or success or anything. I need to stop living because that’s the only thing that can make my pain go away. So no, you telling me to wait for good things doesn’t work. Don’t you get it, no matter what happens, it’s always going to hurt.

It would be so much better if I wouldn‘t be here. I‘m a burden, a problem no one fucking needs me. I‘m weak and fail at everything. I don‘t know where the point is. I can‘t to this anymore. It‘s all too much. I hate myself for everything. I wish I was never born. It hurts so to write this but I have never been so low in my life.

To all the people who constantly zoned out and daydreamed as a kid and probably told off for it, who learnt how to cry silently before the age of ten and maybe stopped crying entirely, who used books as an escape method and would constantly daydream about running off to a fantasy world, who is most likely now a burnt-out neurodivergent who didn't get diagnosed early so they self-diagnosed instead, and who now wants to groan at the thought of having to wake up another day,

how's the childhood trauma, deep-rooted love hate relationship with your parents, lack of self-esteem and sense of self, and raging queerness doing? you good?

Slipping into old familiar ways

That will take me to the same places

Places I don't want to be at

Places that hold my hand right into hell

I watch it happen from the outside

And I let it

Because I don't know another way

...

30.12.21

I’m nothing. I’m nothing but a waste of space. A annoyance. A burden. A failure. A disability. A disorder. A freak. A monster. A unlovable. Unwanted. Worthless piece of garbage that will always be just that. Nothing at all.

I want you to make me feels things I’ve never felt before. I want to know what its like to be loved by you.

-A.d.c