@pxdfootx

@mrlenexmc

dorcxsmdws​:

…

“You’re of plenty use,” she said softly.  It never sat well with her when people downplayed their strength or usefulness, and although Alice didn’t necessarily need a self-esteem boost, she still deserved to know that she could be an important asset and pregnant at the same time.  “Nearly no one else has the same access you do.  I’m a halfblood, you know?  I’ve been working at this for nearly a year now and the trust is still only minimal.  Enough that I overhear important things, but not enough that I’m told them, anyway.  You’ll be a good asset down here while I try to run interference where I can.”

When she started all of this she would never have had such a frank conversation in a room full of people, but she had quickly learned that no one expected a secret conversation to be held in a room full of people – but the background noise made eavesdropping more difficult.  “I don’t like when things are out of my control,” she admitted.  “I’m good at this, I get why this is my mission, but it makes me nervous when others, who are less used to their tactics, have to put themselves at risk.  But it should all be fine.  It’s – it’s fairly simple.”

...

Alice listened intently to what Dorcas was saying, appreciating that the younger witch considered her useful despite how far along she was in her pregnancy. Giving her a sympathetic frown, Alice glanced over to where Bellatrix and Rodolphus were greeting guests. “You’re doing a great job,” she murmured, looking back at Dorcas. “It takes time to do what you’re doing, to gain the kind of trust we’re after. And I may be a pureblood, but my cousin knows me well enough to suspect my allegiances, so I’m fairly certain I only received an invitation because of my maiden name.” She laughed. “Still, I’m glad to be here, and I’ll do what I can to protect our people and eavesdrop for any useful information.”

Alice sighed, nodding her agreement at Marlene’s statement. She felt the same way every time she watched a young Order member go into battle or on a mission. They were eager and skilled, of course, but until you had seen as much of this war as people like Alice and Moody and Dorcas had, there was a certain naiveté that always put you at risk. “I know,” she said softly, thinking of all the people here tonight that she would have preferred to keep home. “Paulie and Lily really shouldn’t be here, but Moody wanted to let anyone who volunteered come. Personally, I’m not sure this mission is really worth the risk.” Alice looked into Dorcas’ eyes. “Have you heard anything so far?”

@frxnkislong​

dorcxsmdws​:

She slowly closed her eyes, letting her body relax at the sudden warmth.  Of the room, of the blanket.  She knew it would have to be short-lived, so she would enjoy it while she had it.  Especially because she wasn’t sure she would remember this when she was surrounded by the dementors again – or, if she’d remember it properly.  “No,” she admitted finally.  “I guess I’m not okay.”   But it was much more nuanced than that.  She wasn’t okay, but she also was acutely aware that she was in here because of her own choices.  She knew that the Death Eaters wouldn’t have been able to figure her out if she hadn’t given herself away.  And she knew that she didn’t regret saving Marlene for a second, even if she had to spend the rest of her life in here.  So, while she was the opposite of okay, she was able to hang onto that knowledge.  

She just nodded, eyes on the ground.  She couldn’t meet Alice’s eyes, couldn’t deal with seeing sympathy in them.  She knew what she had signed up for.  She hadn’t really considered the possibility of Azkaban, but she had accepted death.  It was a calculated risk, but one that was worth it, and she couldn’t very well act like she regretted it now when she knew the possibility of a consequence was there.  ‘It’s not exactly an impartial fight,” she said softly.  “Moody’s good, but the Ministry is corrupt and not in our favor..   But it very well might be a losing battle, I know that.  You don’t have to sugarcoat it for me.”  Her voice was flat and low.  She coughed to clear her throat.  She wasn’t stupid, far from it.  In other circumstances she may have said it less bluntly, but she was sure she still would have thought it.  “I hope it’s not.  I don’t want to stay here, but – If I do you don’t have to worry about me.  I won’t tell them anything.” she shook her head.  “Thank you for coming though.  Even a few minutes away from them is a gift.”

She took the picture in her shaking hands, just looking down at it for a long moment before tucking it away in her pocket.  It was good that they still had each other.  It was good that neither one of them would be alone if she couldn’t manage to get out of here.  If she was stuck here she was under no illusions that it would be a big and great loss for most people.  Most would be sad for a moment for her and then move on; but it would be hard for Paulie and Fabian, and she was glad that they’d have each other to get them through it.  “What did you name your kid?”  She asked softly, knowing that she had him the day she was locked away in here, but she hadn’t heard anything.  

...

Alice knew that Dorcas was fighting an uphill battle to hold on to any ounce of hope while surrounded by dementors, but it was a striking reality check to see her this way. Even in the worst moments of her time as an undercover agent, Dorcas had been able to hold some sort of positivity within her, a reason to keep fighting. She had never given up, no matter how hopeless a situation seemed or how horrible the things she saw in her double agent work got. Even when Gideon had been lost, Dorcas hadn’t lost hope -- if anything, it had spurred her on even further. But there was none of that hope in Dorcas now, no energy left to fight, not that Alice could see. “Dorcas, I know it’s hard, but hold on to the truth. You’re innocent, you did nothing wrong. That’s not a thought the dementors can take away from you.” 

Alice shook her head, wanting desperately to find the right thing to say, helpless to realize that there was nothing she could do that could really help Dorcas, not until they got her out of here. “That’s not what I’m worried about,” she replied, keeping the sense of aggravation at the situation out of her tone. “I know you would never break. What I’m worried about is you.” She put her hand on Dorcas’ arm, wanting to give her some sense of human contact while she still could. “And we will get you out of here Dorcas, one way or another. We’re trying the legal route now, but we won’t stop there.” She gave the younger woman a determined look. “Don’t forget that you have three of the top ranking aurors on your side, not to mention a couple of reckless friends. If anyone can figure out a way to break you out of here, it’s us.” There was no doubt that there would be a line of people willing to take the risk: Sirius, Marlene, Fabian, Paulie. 

It was scary to see Dorcas like this, to know that a mere 6 days in this place had reduced her to this resignation. How long would it take for them to get her out of here? And if she was like this after less than a week, what state would she be in when they finally did? Alice knew firsthand that many people lost themselves in this place, she had seen it over and over again. She had to believe that Dorcas was strong enough to withstand this, but there was a tiny part of her that was terrified she wasn’t. She softened slightly at Dorcas’ question. “Neville,” she replied softly. “Neville Gideon.” Alice squeezed Dorcas’ arm. “Fabian is his godfather. And he can’t wait to meet you.” 

I Dream. Sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do.

Haruki Murakami, from Sputnik Sweetheart (Alfred A. Knopf, 2001)

mxrymacs​:

…

She constantly felt just a breath from completely falling apart.  From crumbling to the ground without a clear understanding of how to rebuild herself.  But if she did that she would take on someone’s attention – whether it was Greta’s or Marlene’s or Lily’s or any other assortment of friend who passed through her home.  They would look at her and feel badly for her, and all that would do was distract from the fact that Emmeline was still gone.  Three days had passed and she was still gone, and Mary had no idea if she was even still alive.  But she was.  She had to still be alive – she’d know, right?  If Emmeline was gone – if she was gone in a way that was far more permanent than this… she would know.  She had to believe that she would feel it if she lost her like that.  So she held on, not because she was anywhere near okay, not because she didn’t care, but because she refused to take on any more attention than was absolutely necessary.  As broken as she felt – it wasn’t about her.  As long as Emmeline came home she would be okay in the end.

She nodded, heading into the kitchen to put on the kettle before leaning against the bar to look out at the assortment of things that she brought.  “Thank you,” she said softly, trying for another smile.  “I’ll grab some plates.”  She reached for two of the plastic sort.  The glass ones were dirty, but on her mission to deep clean the house she hadn’t yet reached the kitchen.  She also grabbed some napkins and forks.  Taking them out into the living room and handing them to Alice, she returned to the kitchen to for the tea, splashing in the sugar and milk to the way she knew Alice took it.  “Thank you,” she said again, settling onto the couch next to her.  “You didn’t have to do all of this.”

...

Alice waited as Mary made her way back and forth from the kitchen to the living room, getting everything settled. She knew that this was exactly what Mary needed, to keep her hands busy, to serve others, so Alice tamped down on her instinct to want to do it all herself. When Mary was finally seated next to her, Alice gave her a soft smile; not one that was pitying, but rather sympathetic. Mary wouldn’t want her pity, or even her focus; she just needed company and for someone else to tell her that Emmeline would be okay. And though Alice knew she couldn’t completely promise it, she also knew that neither she nor Moody would rest until they figured out a way to get Emmeline out of that hell. “I know I don’t,” she replied softly, taking a sip of her tea. “But I wanted to. I know what if feels like to sit around the house waiting for the love of your life to come home.” 

Alice reached over and touched Mary’s arm gently before reaching forward to grab one of the pastries and put it on a plate. In her and Frank’s time as an Auror, there had been multiple occasions where he had been on a dangerous mission and Alice had been filled with the anxiety that came with not knowing if he would make it back safely. In those times, she hadn’t wanted to be alone even more than she hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Alice knew that Mary was a lot like her, and figured she would be feeling similarly. “It’s a pretty shit question to ask how you’re doing, but how are you?”

frxnkislong​:

…

If leaving that morning hadn’t been necessary he wouldn’t have done it.  His knowledge of babies, while still limited, had grown significantly the past nine months, and from what he understood birth could be rather unpredictable.  But going to the office was a far cry from Romania, and if she needed him she knew how to get him home.  Apparation would have him home in five minutes flat.  But he was relieved that hadn’t been necessary.  He was relieved he could do the last minute task at the office without trouble and get home to her before things got moving.  

He carefully kicked his shoes off at the door and put down the bag he took to the office before finding Alice on the couch.  He wrapped an arm around her back, brushing his thumb in a circular motion against her arm while he considered his answer.  She needed to rest, but she also deserved the truth from him.  “Chaotic,” he admitted.  “some Muggle baiting incident up by Kent.  But not unmanageable.  They’ll sort things out just find there, and we can sort our things out here.  How are you feeling?”

...

Alice sighed contentedly as Frank’s thumb brushed her back, sinking into the comfort of his touch. His mere presence had an immediate effect on calming her nerves, and she was grateful for that. When she was with him, all of the fears that she had didn’t seem quite as big as when she was alone. They were still there, but far more manageable. Alice frowned at the news, saddened by the fact that she didn’t feel any surprise to hear it. Things like this were becoming the norm lately, and there was no reason to think that it would slow down just because she was on maternity leave. 

Alice bit her lip at his question, wondering how much to say. Frank had been gone so much for the second half of her pregnancy that so far she hadn’t shared any of the worries that had been circulating through her head and her heart. She felt a little silly about them, but even though she knew it was ridiculous, she couldn’t banish the fear that she wouldn’t be a good mother. “I’m okay,” she finally said, her answer coming slowly. “Just...nervous, I guess.” She shrugged, clearly holding back.

“Boys… Thanks for choosing me to be your mom.”