Til, Every Day I Wake Up And Love My Friends

I dont know about you but i think that if you gave a peice of sour candy to a 14th century peasant they would just shrivel up like a frozen pea

Ireland before the great potato blight famine

Ireland during the great potato blight famine

Ireland after the great potato famine

Random Dungeons & Dragons (and other fantasy tabletop RPG) resource #137: reasons why the party can’t buy the thing – roll 1d20 or choose:

Local regulations require anyone who wishes to buy or sell the item or service in question to obtain the personal approval of a particular political or religious leader. How’s your schmoozing?

Local regulations require anyone who wishes to buy or sell the item or service in question to obtain permission from a particular bureaucratic institution and adhere to a complicated and onerous set of rules; the punishment for flouting them is severe.

A powerful regional organisation (guild, cult, mercantile concern, etc.) wields an absolute monopoly over the item or service in question. Dealing with them may be risky, or – particularly for lawful or good parties – pose sticky ethical quandaries.

The item or service in question can’t legally be provided to the party in particular, and anyone who does so will face considerable censure. What obscure law or taboo have they run afoul of?

The item or service in question is entirely prohibited by a local bylaw, religious taboo, or regional curse, forcing merchants and providers underground. There’s probably a story there.

The item or service in question is entirely prohibited by recent edict of the local ruler, and merchants and providers who deal in it have found themselves newly outlawed. There’s definitely a story there!

The merchant or provider lives somewhere extraordinarily inconvenient and keeps odd hours. Making the purchase may be easy enough, but being in a position to make it will be a challenge.

The merchant or provider is itinerant and travels a circuit of several communities. Maybe the locals know their next destination?

The merchant or provider will only deal with members of a particular guild, cult, or social club. Can the party get a member to act as a go-between, or will they need to obtain (or fake) membership themselves?

The merchant or provider requires an introduction or letter of reference from an existing customer before they’ll deal with the party. Who are their existing customers? Good question!

The merchant or provider refuses to accept gold, and wants a particular item or service in exchange. What are they after?

The merchant or provider hates the party’s guts for some unspecified reason, and refuses to deal with them. Persuasion or intimidation may be in order, but push it too far and the authorities will end up involved.

The entire local supply has been stolen by monsters or bandits (for goods) or the local provider(s) have been kidnapped by the same (for services). If the party wants to buy, a rescue mission is in order.

The entire local supply has been confiscated by the ruler (for goods) or the local provider(s) have been conscripted (for services). As above, but with more awkward explanations if the party gets caught.

A wealthy private individual bought up the entire local supply (for goods) or hired the local provider(s) for a long-term project (for services) shortly before the party arrived. Will they be willing to share?

A band of rival adventurers bought up the entire local supply (for goods) or hired the local provider(s) for a long-term project (for services) shortly before the party arrived. Are they after the same goal?

The item or service in question is readily available, but the merchant or provider proves to be a skilled con artist, confused ghost or mischievous fae. Can the party catch them in the act, or will they be obliged to give chase to get their money back once the deception comes to light?

The item or service in question is readily available, but the items carry strange magical quirks (for goods) or the provider is a magic-user with eccentric new ideas they’re just itching to put into practice (for services). Is it worth the hassle?

The local community obtains the item or service in question in an unconventional and typically magical fashion; for example, a party in need of weapons finds that the village has no weaponsmith, but in the foothills outside of town lies a grove where swords grow on trees, guarded by an ill-tempered but sleepy manticore.

The merchant or provider is powerful monster, who deals in strange coin. How did this arrangement come to pass?

The preceding entries are arranged into subtables so you can target specific types of inconveniences with suitable rolls, as follows:

Legal barrier: roll 1d6

Annoying or inconvenient provider: roll 1d6+6

Someone else has it: roll 1d4+12

The weird stuff: roll 1d4+16

F for fort

Cambell corn soup

"Look into my mouth" I say, my cold eyes staring into the depths of your soul.

You turn towards me and relucantly watch as i open my gaping jaw.

You don't notice it at first but suddenly you smell the foul oder.

"I havent brushed in two days"

A large grin on my face, my teeth all brown and mushy.

You watch in terror as my teeth slowly slide out of my mouth and into yours.

"Nothing shall go to waste" I whisper

You close your eyes because you dont want to see the scene unfolding in front of you.

Suddenly you feel a soft sensation on your tounge and a sweet taste fills your mouth.

"Corn" you wisper, a single tear rolling down your cheek.

You feel your teeth being pushed out, and replaced by something that can only be described as hard corn cernels.

You are now fully ugly crying. The only sounds are your cries, echoing in the empty starbucks bathroom.

Your eyes, being consumed by crawling corn cernels. All you see is corn, slowly replacing every part of what was once you.

You have lost all your senses, except touch and taste.

You feel as though a metal rind is being placed between you and freedom.

You feel as though you are being picked up...

"Mmm, cambell corn soup. My favorite." You hear, as a giant figure, resembling a grandmother apears in your mind.

You feel their grip upon you...

You are cambell corn soup.

You are corn.

Nothing shall go to waste.

This is briliant

A while back I ordered the Critical Role Major Arcana Tarot Set, and like many others thought it would make an excellent Deck of Many Things. The deck of Implausible Fate is my own take on the Deck of Many Things, and while many of the effects are similar, some have been altered/replaced to provide a less game-breaking, but equally thrilling experience for players and DMs alike.

Let me know what you think!

You can't call them dead, they like to be called mortaly challanged.

I often think about how in one of Bo Burnhams stand up show for netflix everyone cheers for a dude sitting on a chair on stage and then Bo just walks in and makes the chair dude leave. Nothing can ever top that in all of stand up. Nothing.

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