Spilled Thoughts - Blog Posts

Each year I have a new resolution and I can't help but have another. For the past four years it was to have enough food to eat, for a bed to sleep on instead of the hard floor, for my mother( where ever she may be) to be okay. This year I want to feel like a bird let out a cage, I want to shed the apathy from me, I want to peel back a layer and expose myself to all sorts of possibilities, I want to feel the heat of it on new skin. I want to live, not just survive, here's to 2025.

If your business is healthcare and you end up with more people dead than alive, because you purposely turned them away so you could take in more profits, then you have completely failed on a human level. Not to mention your entire business is in complete contradiction with its supposed purpose. You say you're in the buissnes of healing but all we see is death and greed.

I'm going to be honest, I'm not happy. Instead I just am. Just here. Just there. I'm, just. I spent way too long picking the colours for this blog instead of cleaning my house, I spent way too long worrying over my poems instead of worrying over the bills, I spent way too long writing about things that have happened and not about what could. I reply with flowers under comments because I'm worried I'll sound too blunt without them, but sometimes it feels fake, because I'm not that person alone, I don't think in pretty colours, happiness doesn't bloom behind my eyelids in pinks and yellows. Instead my thoughts are blunt and apathy stuffs itself into my ears and covers my eyes. It encases me in a womb, and I'm just waiting to be reborn. Into what exactly I don't know, just more awake I hope, less rotting in bed and more laughing in a field somewhere.

I'm older than you, but you scare me sometimes. I worry about this anger that manifests inside you like a black hole, sucking in all the negativie feelings you have and spitting them out at the slightest trigger. You are better at talking about your feelings now, the black hole isn't as active. I feel like I've taught you alot about it being okay to be vulnerable, we've learnt alot about what we mean to each other and our intentions. But sometimes that black whole starts up again and I'll be none the wiser and that scares me sometimes.

Just before covid hit my brother and I at 15 and 19 found our selfs homeless. I had a choice, my brother would go into care or we could stay together, but only if I took responsibility for him and had somewhere to live. So I applyed for social housing, the guy that processed my case was sympathetic and at some points I was holding it together better than him, do you have any other family? No, Do you know where your mother is? I wish I did, how old is your brother? 15 are you in any fulltime education? Not anymore. He looked at me like I was something tragic and I suppose I was, there isn't a metaphor for what I looked like that works any better than just what his naked eyes saw; a girl abandoned by her mother, her life in a bag on her back completely thrown on how to deal with everything, and all he could do was fill out a form and send it and me off. it's going to be okay.

Somehow despite the odds we where given emergency accommodation and a year later a property to rent, I suspect we where pushed up the list because of my brothers age, we where lucky, some people wait years in hotels or streets all over the country, living out of suitcases and rucksacks.

As lucky as we where, luck didn't cover all the things I suddenly had to know. I had no idea how bills worked or paying my taxes, I didn't even really understand what "taxes" meant until the final notices where piling up in front of us. It's something they don't teach you in school or at least mine didn't. They never taught us how to survive in a world like this, they assume our parents would be there to explain or we'd be much older before it mattered. what's more useful in real life, how to formally address someone in an email or how to keep the lights on or how to find food when a tin of beans is too expensive.

Though I suppose the email ettique lesson was useful for something in the end,

To whomever it may concern, I'm writing to you regarding my payment plans and how I'm choosing to fork over alot of money and won't be buying enough food to live off this month. My regards.

I don't know where you are exactly, but I know you're looking at your phone, I know you're probably alone. So am I. It's nearly 10pm and I've been scrolling through Instagram reels all day, I haven't eaten or gotten up. But I've cried over people singing in the park to passers by, one women lost her mother and felt comfort in the songs. I've cried to family reunions and mother's singing lullabys to their babies, Ive felt this weight of grief for the things I want to experience, which is to not be so alone. But I still lay here day after day, I still like videos about things I hope to do someday. I'm not okay but I will be one day.

I can't think about you for too long, but sometimes you climb out of my Amygdala and I let your face press against my prefronal cortex. Your presence is mostly wrapped in bubbler wrap, hidden in a back room, somewhere near the things I can't talk about and the things I should have. I've quietly closed the door, but it's not locked, I don't think it ever will be, I don't think I want it be. But that room isn't a place I like to visit, it only holds you and the things that shouldn't have happened.

This is my first attempt at digital painting, I've only ever used water colours or pencil before, so this was an intresting experience. (if I had a pen this would have been better, but I only had my mobile and index finger lol) I'm actually happy with it so it'll be my pfp probably.

How do you feel about kindness being filmed like they’re performances. Someone hands a homeless person a sandwich, and boom, the cameras rolling. I’m a good person, they say without saying it, but the thing is a sandwich can only last so long, yet you'll be dining on those social media likes all week. Sure,it’s lovely, helping people. But here’s the thing: It’s sad that the world’s become a stage for doing good when you have a camera in your face, or worse in the face of someone struggling to live each day, they are not the supporting actors in your new tiktok. We don’t just help anymore. We sell the moment. Isn't it lovely though getting credit for being decent when your not just doing good. Your doing good for the algorithm.

I saw @two-bees-poetry lady macbeth/macbeth poem 🌷and became inspired to try this format called (an okayish first attempt but a fun challenge) contrepulate poetry.

Dear 2025.

I write this in November 2024, but I know it will find it's way to you in no time at all, you have been approaching faster than I can keep up with.

I ask that you will take it easy and slow, I ask that you let me settle in before 2026 makes their way in. I know you can't control what the people do, but I ask you make the bad days soft, give us only a few.

Sincerely a hopeful heart.

The bad news is that it sometimes feels never ending and apathy whispers into your ear that this numbness is peaceful and to just sink into it's depths.

The good news is that apathy is a cold filthy liar. They want you to drowned, but they don't know that happiness is always around the corner, and it will yank you out of the dark water. I swear one day you will laugh so hard your sides start splitting and the pain will leak out of you. I swear you will sing and dance and feel something other than heavy numbness, the sunrise is golden and it burns, it heats up your heart until you feel like there's something to live for and it's just on the horizon. Wait for it. Please.

Do the people we drift away from ever return to us.

When my parents spilt up I didn't see my dad for months, during this time I would spend nearly every day playing with my friend Kelsey. We would get our hair caught climbing trees or make terrible perfume from her neighbours flowers. One time she pulled out a box from under her bed, it was filled with snails of different sizes collected from her garden "we're going to colour the shells". So that's what we did, we gently coloured around 20 in bright orange, red or purple, after that we put them near a tree by her house. We did all this to see if the same ones would come back, we thought at least 5 would. Weeks went by and we didn't see any colourful shells in her garden, they had moved on. Sometimes people leave and they don't come back, but you still hold the memories close, you still carry their mark on you and maybe they carry yours too.

Maybe somewhere out there, there are snails with brightly coloured shells and maybe carrying a piece of someone with you is enough.

I know I don't say it enough and we joke about depression and how loneliness is eating up our lives, but it will be okay. I promise you it will.

I saw you there. Cigarette lit and back against the door. I watched you, I hadn't seen you in years yet you looked the same, But nothing between us was. I wanted you to notice me, I couldn't approach you, so instead I hoped you'd find my eyes and hold out your heart for me to love again. But our hearts didn't know each other anymore, so I left you by the door.

I went to an all girls secondary school, I remember my mother telling my primary school teacher that there would be no boys to distract me there. That it was better and it's true that there where no boys, well no cis boys. But there where men. Men who walked up the stairs too slowly behind when you wore a skirt, men that leaned over you to correct math mistakes that didn't exist, men that made girls loudly spell out why when they needed to use the bathroom. Men that shouldn't have been anywhere near a school. There wasn't many boys to distract us, but there where men that betrayed us.

It's bonfire night. Remember remember the fifth of November. Remember a failed Act of rebellion: I remember my only act of purposeful destruction, of physical rebellion. I was 12 or 13 and you had let him back in the house again, you invited him in with a smile and avoided my eyes. So I threw a vase down the stairs, I wanted your attention, I wanted you to see that shattered vase and realise I was breaking apart. I didn't break it out of anger, I broke it in despair and desperation. I thought if I break this you'll wake up, you'll believe me. But you mocked it and laughed with him instead. Maybe you where so broken at that point, so broken that shards of porcelain and glass only looked like soft disagreement. Maybe you needed him to fill your cracks with his sharp edges.

A lot of the time I don't feel like I've matured past 16. I still feel just as scared and even more lonely. They say your twenties are when you'll feel more steady, but I feel like I'm being swung into space and there I float suffocating in the void.

I don't let myself look up what my school friends are doing now, I'm afraid. Afraid I'll find pictures of a something I missed. I remember us at 11 crowded around a school library computer, you both looked up your favourite wedding dresses most of them mermaid and lacy white, you picked out our bridesmaids dresses and talked about how we would find a colour that at least looked good on us all; I thought powdered blue. I miss being that young, when the only worries where our homework and hoping we where first out for lunch. Maybe you did get married, maybe if I log in to my socials I'll find an invite. Or maybe time has changed too much, we aren't eleven anymore. I wonder if you picked powdered blue or a mermaid dress in lacy white, I wonder if something remains the same.

🌞 SUN GAZING 🌞

A Spiritual Practice

A theme song for this post:

I DO NOT PLAGIARIZE, COPY OR REWORD ANY OF MY FELLOW SPIRITUAL BEINGS POSTS AND I DEMAND THE SAME IN RETURN.

A BONUS in this post : SUN WATER AND MOON WATER🫂⛅

Sun Gazing is an Ancient Egyptian practice where you stare directly into the Sun. But this can only be done at sunrise or sunset to avoid damage being done to your eyes from the UV rays.

Sun gazing does much more than just increase your energy. Sun gazing is said to decalcify and grow the pineal gland (3rd eye). Meaning you will feel more spiritually connected to the world around you.

This practice helps one feel more energized and free, so if you feel sluggish and tired all the time, be sure to try this out. Society has made us believe that the Sun is bad for us, when actually, if in reality, we harvest the Sun's energy properly, it can and will change our lives forever.

If you don't believe it, Try this practice for 7 days straight and just see the difference!

⛅ SUN WATER and MOON WATER 🌜

Now, I'm sure many of my spiritual readers know what Moon Water is. Some may even know what Sun Water is. If some of you are hearing this for the first time, I will explain briefly.

• Sun Water is the method of containing the Sun's positive energies into the water we drink or use for our spiritual practices by placing it outside exposed to the Sun.

• Moon Water is the method of containing the Moon's positive energies into the water we drink or use for our spiritual practices by placing it outside exposed to the Moon.

HOW TO MAKE SUN WATER:

The steps are very easy and simple:

Fill up any container with Water (Bottles, A Glass, Tumbler, anything that can hold in water).

If you wish, you can even cleanse the container before filling it up with Water, with an incense stick or sage.

Place the container of water where the Sun's rays hit. The water in the container must be exposed to the Sun's rays. Also, you are only supposed to keep the water at any of the 2 allotted timings which I have given below👇

You can write down affirmations on a piece of paper, fold it and place it under the container if you wish to, as well.

Let the container be where it is till the time you must take it out, that is:

Early morning - 6:00 Am to 8/9:00 Am.

Afternoon to evening hours - 5:30 Pm to 7:00 Pm.

The benefits of drinking and using the Sun Water in our spiritual practices are the same as the benefits of Sun Gazing.💖

.

HOW TO MAKE MOON WATER:

Again, The steps are very easy and simple:

Fill up any container with Water (Bottles, A Glass, Tumbler, anything that can hold in water).

If you wish, you can even cleanse the container before filling it up with Water, with an incense stick or sage.

Place the container of water where the Moon's light touches the water. The water in the container must be exposed to the Moon's light.

You can write down affirmations on a piece of paper, fold it and place it under the container if you wish to, as well.

Let the container be where it is overnight and then you must take it out before the sun rises.

MOON GAZING IS ALSO VERY BENEFICIAL.

Moon Water is very beneficial for those who want to get in touch with their intuition more and become more spiritually energized.

Drinking Moon water can help one become more relaxed and in touch with their emotions and feminine side.

One can manifest and cleanse using Moon Water as well. It is the most recommended by witches. Witchcraft is a bland experience without Moon Water because Moon is the witches mother.

Without the nurturing of our Mother Moon, how can we feel the best in our spiritual practices? Hence, we first bow down to our Moon, who will always be our Soul Mother.

Thankyou for reading through this! I do hope you all enjoyed this short post!

I will see you in the next one, and yes, the tarot pile reading will come out soon...till then, I will be posting as usual❤️

Take care and have a great day!❤️‍🔥

"The Sins of the Father" Invalidates the Individual

I'm a woman with PCOS, which means I have an excessive amount of body hair, most noticeably on my face. This is something I struggle with a lot, and my mom once apologized to me for it. She told me a story of something she did when she was younger that could have led to this happening as a sort of "Sins of the Father" type thing.

I won't get into the details of that discussion as it was very personal, but it did get me thinking about the concept as a whole, and it's one of the many things I've been taught growing up with religion that, upon reflection, is super fucked up.

Using myself as an example, not only is it unfair that I would be punished for something I had absolutely nothing to do with, but I also don't like what this implies about my personal autonomy. My problems are my own. My struggles, my pain, are my own and not something to be used as a punishment for someone else. I know my mom didn't in any way mean to be invalidating. This is just a part of her beliefs, and I respect that, but it did make me think.

How many people open up about their pain, only to have that pain taken over by someone else?

How audacious to think that you, a person who has not experienced what I have and do not know how it affects me, feel those affects more deeply than I do. And that is what this implies, that this problem I have is somehow more your cross to bare than mine. It's insulting.

It is also so unnecessary. Religion already places so much guilt onto our shoulders, we are born in sin, we live in sin, we die in sin, and the only way to escape is to live our lives constantly apologizing for ourselves. Don't add to that weight by taking burdens that aren't yours.

Music Quotes #3

¸¸♬·¯·♪·¯·♩♫¸¸

Pretty please, come on over and ruin my life

Take my hand

While we dance on the edge of a knife

¸¸♬·¯·♪·¯·♩♫¸¸

Pretty please -  Dutch Melrose and benny mayne 

Music Quotes #2

¸¸♬·¯·♪·¯·♩♫¸¸

If my heart stops now,

You're the one thing that made it all worth it

If the sky falls down, right now,

You're the one that I'll worship

Pretty angel caught in the crossfire

Let me wipe those golden tears from your eyes

It must've hurt how fast you fell

For a match made in hell

¸¸♬·¯·♪·¯·♩♫¸¸

Match made in hell - Dutch Melrose and benny mayne

After you, I don’t know if I believe in love or I believe in how the idea of having you was more appealing than being alone with myself. Still, I don’t blame you for leaving, who would want to stay to begin with? I dont even like myself.

You taught me that I should love myself first. That my happiness shouldn’t be rooted in another human. Because human love is doomed to fail from the very start and I should have ran away the first time.

Love isn’t a lie. It’s something that can mask just how unhappy you really are while saying you are the happiest you’ve ever been.

After I broke up with him

The shower is the only place I don’t crave your touch. The warmth of the water is the only thing that reminds me of your body on mine.

I miss you