Self Worth - Blog Posts
Edge of Faith -kalika
I feel so worthless without your gaze on me Stare, glare, bore your eyes straight through Leave nothing of me outside of view Attention to feed from, this insatiable desire to be seen Everyone's replaceably rested in disappointing scenes Wont you please give me pity dripped nice and slow I eat it up past full then shamelessly plead for more Consume me, devour my failed youth as your dinner Make sure to savour every short coming for desert Worry, resentment, anger, lust - dancing toe to toe As long as it keeps your sights set on me I thrive to keep my audience begging on bare knees Anything that holds their vision a little longer Without the only lenses that saw me kindly How could I ever see myself the same? Maybe it's why I search for affection in others despair Why I've chosen to dance, and bleed, and die Come, watch me violently wither by my own hands So long as it's witnessed, so long as it's real I don't care if you hate me, just say my name
Date Written: 28th of November, 2023
I do not want a conditional love. I will not be the girl who is only loved when it is convenient. I will not be the girl who is only loved when the time is right. I will not be the girl who is only loved when her shape is appropriate. I will not be the girl who is only loved when you decide she deserves it. I would rather live loveless for the whole of my life than compromise for even a second and live a life being told I am not enough as I am, all the time. Because I will love with the ferocity of a blazing sun, unconditional and eternal - so why can I not want the same? It is not impossible, I am wholly capable and exist as proof that it can be done. Any excuse otherwise is simply worthless, a lie to pretend infatuation could ever be love. Love is loud and obnoxious and treats your insides like a poison. It ruins your mind, your soul, your touch, your heart. It takes every part of your being and makes it it's own, as if they never belonged to you in the first place. The only cure is them and their happiness. You can handle the pain if it is in their name, you can take the fire.. but if it's true, they will never let you - because they would feel the same flames of hell without you. I want that. I won't settle for less.
Date Written: 10th of November, 2023
"We grow through hard times. Growth is change. And when everything is easy, we have no reason to change. The most painful moments in life expand us. And when the pain leaves, space remains. Space we can fill with life itself."
Kind reminder that a degree will not get up one day and leave you, cheat on you, cut your funds, disrespect you or assault you. A degree will be worth a thousand sleepless nights and rivers of tears, because in the end it does matter more than anything else. A degree will make you an independent and undefeated woman, so stop belittling the importance of education nowadays. Every woman who studies is a woman who is ensuring a greater future for all women.
Unpopular opinion, but the moment I stopped listening to videos from self improvement channels like TheWizardLiz or Simonesquared is the moment I started improving.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with them, as I find some of their advices truly helpful, but consuming their media equals to trying to search to further “how to do x, y, z”, when in reality you are once again stopping yourself from doing better (or something at all).
I am a leaver. I am a blocker. I will not stick around after disrespect. I will cut you off and you will be informed about that. I will remove myself the moment I see that a friendship or relationship makes me suffer. I will exit the situation at the first given opportunity. And I always do.
Babe, you don’t have to start at 5 AM after Pilates, at 8.30 after a matcha, or at 10.30 after the gym.
You can start at 7.16 at home, at 15,34 after a long nap, at 19.46 after an afternoon of doom scrolling, at 9.21 before a boring lecture in an ugly building and so on. The only thing that matters is that you start.
The “manifestation” agenda summarised in a few, simple words:
Book: Atomic Habits by James Clear.
If I may say, there is a exceptionally thin line between being unbothered and focused on yourself and being so out of touch with reality to a point even a legitimate critic that is not aligned with the persona you manufactured is seen as out of pocket.
In circumstances similar to the latter, please consider waking the fuck up.
Rejection is redirection, not rout.
This morning, my therapist shared this really useful hack and I feel like it could be useful to share: it is the pie chart method.
Essentially, it is a great tool to identify the behaviours, situations and events that caused a certain effect, in order for you to truly understand what really happened.
You simply draw a circle, identify the circumstances that caused the outcome and give each situation a percentage of its influence on the outcome.
For example: you bake a cake but it turns out horribly. It could be that 45% of the fault could be given to the oven that has malfunctioned, 30% to the wrongly calculated measurements of the ingredients, and 25% of your inexperience baking a cake. In the end, you will realise that it may not be your fault, and therefore you should stop being so angry at yourself.
Disclaimer: sometimes the fault could be given to you. This is a useful method for those of you who may constantly be harsh to yourselves.
Chase yourself, and the rest will fall apart as it is meant to be.
Taller than me, richer than me, CHALANT, funny, manly, great sense of style, intelligent, pretty, smells good, kisses the floor I walk on, profound personality.
Some of you think way too much. You should be worried about who you are becoming rather than who you were. Nobody cares and nobody remembers, but you.
Academic advices from a (non american) law student.
Premise: I feel the urge to underline the fact that I am not American nor attend any university in America due to the fact that most tips and tricks I found, coming from Americans, were scarce in terms of concrete application. If you found them to be useful, then I am more than glad. All I wish to do is to share different experiences and approaches to the university world that are maybe differing from the usual content.
I. “Time restricted” spaced repetition: the great majority of the subject in my curriculum are quite complex and portray a large number of complex topics, Latin terms, and regulations that are specific. What I suggest here is to write down in a fun colour (to me it is red) the words, terms, names and phrases that are difficult for you to remember. We are not born all knowing, and some terms can be, at first glance, peculiar or unusual. That is completely normal. Therefore, write down anything that you may struggle to remember and every day, you do your best to recall those specific terms, and over the span of even two days you will most likely incorporate even the most difficult words.
II. Repeat out loud: in my university, we do not have written exams. Therefore, practicing your speech for the exam is fundamental for us. However, even if your exams are not oral, explaining out loud subjects helps you remember them better (even if you give a look to your notes from time to time). Do this from day one of preparation. My favourite way of doing so is to repeat everything when outside, while on a walk or at a cafe.
III. Mental connections: chances are, some topics will be repeated in different ways in the same subject. For instance, the concept of inter-subjective laws was discussed three times in this one course, and each time a different aspect was discussed. What I am suggesting is that, when a particular topic or word comes up often, you force yourself to do two things: first, you do a repetition exercise in which you repeat where and when was that topic already mentioned, and second, you differentiate between the two. Why are they different, how are they different and in what ways they are similar.
IV. During the lectures: our professors do not record lectures, nor do they use any platform to “stream” them. If it is possible for you, attend the lectures! Take careful notes and correct them right away, after the lectures has finished! Ask those questions, no matter how “silly” they may be! The professor is right there for you, so you might as well use the opportunity to enrich your knowledge.
V. The notes: print them. Not only will your eyes thank you, but I find studying from paper more effective and it is easier to focus. Call me a grandma, but that is the truth. And if correcting some parts is the reason you prefer digital, try to simply cover the parts tg at you wish to rewrite eight plain paper and write the correction on it. This way the topic will be easier to be remembered.
VI. Audiobook: this may sound unusual, but listening to your notes can be quite beneficial. Due to me being a student, I have free access to the Microsoft package: world has this “read aloud” feature, and I play the audio during the night. The subconscious mind is much more powerful than what you may think of it.
VII. Grades: obviously we all aim for the greatest grades, but often the way we are graded may be out of your control. Sometimes you may get sick right before the exam, sometimes the examiner may be irritated and got up already upset with the world, sometimes we could have given better performances. It happens, and it will inevitably make you feel awful and out of place: please, remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. It will be better the next time, but in that moment remember that you are never alone. If you do not wish to talk it out with someone, ask ChatGPT. It really gives comfort and great advices in moments of frustration and disappointment. Do not ruin your life for a temporary moment.
Louise Hay: How to love yourself.
Curate everything.
Curate your hygiene routine, curate your clothing items, curate your home, curate your habits, curate your nutrition, curate your environment, curate your circles, curate you socials, curate the content you consume, curate your social skills, curate your financial situation, curate your emotions, curate the version of you that shows up in public, curate your hobbies, curate your knowledge.
Stop sharing your goals, vision boards, new year resolutions with the public. Share the results and the accomplishments only.
My dear,
What they said is exactly what you heard. What they did is exactly what you saw. Do not look for further confirmation of their actions - or lack of action.
God and the Universe will reveal us the truth, and it is often difficult to digest. But that is the simple reality of the matter. Swift away, cut them off and do not allow any further access to you and your precious time.
Pain is temporary, but self preservation and recovery are forever.
“But investing is hard! But I do not want to break up, because then I’ll be alone! But learning is for few selected people! But I do not have time! But people will stare! But that sounds hard!”
But struggling is alright? K.
If there is only one tip you should incorporate into your daily life, that is simply taking action.
If you wish to attract a more sophisticated and curated life, you have to take the steps necessary to get there. Simply thinking of such life will not bring you there and I am so tired of this agenda.
You have to put the effort and energy into the life you want and deserve, and you should not settle for less. Build those habits that will benefit you in the long term, learn what can concretely transform your life and apply all those qualities to your current self.
In no way, shape or form does God or the Universe wish you to struggle. God and the Universe, however, respond with the same energy you put into your life. Make that energy higher in quality and watch how great your life will become.
Do not fool yourself into believing that cutting ties with people who do not meet your criteria of living is a selfish performance.
To create an environment in which you can thrive is to curate the environment you are living in.
The people you surround yourself with are most likely to shape your future, and that is a fact: colliding mindsets and opinions are normal, but staying because you fear to lose somebody is not.
Choose the people who surround you wisely, and never feel ashamed to do so. Your peace is your priority.
Get aggressive with your goals, lazy people stay behind.
gentle growth is still growth, slow growth is still growth, fast growth is still growth, steady growth is still growth, messy growth is still growth. It’s as simple as that :), growth isn’t linear <3
To those of you writing your papers right now, I hope you realise how important it is to mark and acknowledge your progress no matter the amount, and that your academic caliber is not necessarily going to be the same as others and that’s no reason for you to beat yourself up over, because you’ve done what you can by the end of the day. You need to realise the strength, time and effort it took for you to do it because it was YOU who sat down those hours completing your tasks for and all by yourself, not anybody else, so I beg of you to give yourself the credit you so incredibly deserve. <3
Rebel against something today. Not to feel cheesy, but maybe , just maybe , it’ll be the beginning of something you.
And no, this isn’t motivation. This is a battle note.
They wanted me to become a man who fights for his respect. But I became a man who respects himself. And that’s how I became awkward— and I loved
that
kind of awkwardness.