Relationships - Blog Posts
There's a dearth of terms for people in serious relationships that happen to be marriageless, so I call my person's parents my "outlaws." Feel free to steal my cheesy humor.
Love is knowing your person would snort coke off your boobs if they did coke.
Monogamy never works out. I have a friend who tried a monogamous relationship, and they broke up.
Change ≠ Failure
When a couple or polycule decides to be friends, we call it a “failed relationship,” yet when friends decide they want a romantic relationship, we don’t call it a “failed friendship.” Because outside of the overly-regulated are of romantic relationships, we understand that the presence of a status quo is not success.
ahh, the amazing feeling. ❤️
You know you’re in love when only seeing their name makes your heart skip a beat.
Ghost Chicken
My boyfriend, the sweetest man in existence, who is very peculiar about cuss words, came up to me after I gave him my left over chicken schnitzel and said the following:
Him: I apologise for how crude I'm about to be, but I am this close to buying an oujia board just so that I can tell that chicken he served cunt.
Daily Routine (9/24/17) - Welcome Back
To my those who have been following, I’m sorry I have not updated in over a week. It has been a whirlwind of events in my life and I simply haven’t had time to update. Regular updates will probably resume again. I’ll keep this a bit short though, as the details are tad too personal to share here. However, I would like to discuss the main theme of my past week in a broader sense.
Relationships.
Your mind probably immediately went to something romantic. Something regarding a boyfriend/girlfriend. Something along the lines of “woe is me” and “why don’t they love me?” when you read that word following the paragraph explaining my absence.
I’ll be honest, this is partly true. But again, I’m thinking of relationships in a broader sense. I’ve had an odd start to this semester. Friends seem to come and go. People who I thought I could be in a relationship with (yes, I’m talking about a girlfriend now) seem to come and go as well. To me, it seems that people in my life come for the pleasure of the interaction and then leave me in the dust. They want the instant gratification of seeing me, not the long term comfort of what I have to offer.
This is melodramatic. I’m fully aware of this. People have busy schedules -- work, classes, and other ventures. They hardly have time for themselves, let alone time for to see other people. It seems to me though that I have nothing but time, even though I have essentially the same responsibilities. I want to see people and hang out with them on a regular basis, but it seems that no one else wants to make the effort. I feel at times I’m the only one doing anything when it comes to making plans with people and then they cancel at the last minute, leaving me with a feeling of self-doubt and hatred.
It's an awful feeling, feeling alone. You feel as if no one wants you at all. You feel like you did something wrong for them to stop talking to you. Like you messed up forever and there’s no going back. What’s funny about all of this though, is that this feeling is blown completely out of proportion. It is overplayed, overdramatic, and can even be absurd. Life has a funny way of tricking you into thinking this way, even though it isn’t true. They’ll text you back. They want to see you too. They want be the world to you too.
But they just don't know how.
Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.
Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.
Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.
Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.
Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.
I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.
Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.
But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.
Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.
Stay close to people who make you feel like it’s okay to be yourself.
Being Kind doesn’t mean becoming a complete pushover. You can be kind and have very clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable to you.
Any advice on how to approach tough conversations with my parents without getting overwhelmed and crying?
-Keep in mind that not every discussion is a fight. It doesn’t have to turn into a fight.
-Think about what you want to say on beforehand. You can write your ideas if possible so you don’t miss any point or get lost within the conversation.
-Tell your parents that you want to talk about something important. Schedule a brief time with them in which they can give you their attention.
-Let them know why talking about that subject is important for you.
-Your emotional well being goes first. If the thing is getting ugly you can ask to pause the conversation and re take it when everybody is more calm (this particular tip has made wonders in the relationship with my mom).
-Keep your voicetone calm but steady. Don’t shout, and try to not get heated. Remember that it’s a conversation. Don’t get defensive even if they do. The outcome might not be what you wanted and that might be frustrating but try to stay calm.
-Some phrases that might help are:
“I would like to know what you think of (the subject)”
“Why do you think that way? What are your concerns?”
“I understand why you say it but I do not agree”
“From my point of view…”
“I would appreciate if you could give thought to (subject)” and negotiate a partial agreement
“I don’t agree with that but I respect your decision/ will support you”
-If things don’t go your way you can always try again when armed with resources.
And even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted I am already proud of you for speaking out. I believe you and support you.
People always think you gain trust first and then you’re vulnerable with people. But the truth is, you can’t really earn trust over time with people without being somewhat vulnerable first.
Brene Brown (via samxcamargo)
I think… one of the interesting things about online messaging and texting is that sometimes, writing out your feelings to someone is actually so much easier than speaking them. Like, I cannot easily express myself through verbal words. I stutter, I panic, I say “nevermind” because I can’t bring myself to admit the words out loud. But with online messaging, I can blabber on the keyboard like a stream of consciousness, and I can express myself to my friends in a way that’s sometimes very hard for me to do irl
Which is why I’m so defensive about this whole belief that face to face communication is more real than online interactions. In a way, yeah, it is, because it’s more literally “real,” and im not at all gonna deny the value in irl relationships. But online communication has genuinely allowed me, a socially anxious person with a fear of opening up, to develop meaningful relationships with people, and you don’t understand how grateful I am for that
Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me
Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.
First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.
The most fundamental thing:
You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.
You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.
You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.
That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.
(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)
The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.
It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.
It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.
You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.
And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.
Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.
Personality disorders are complex.
AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.
(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)
It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.
Personality disorders mean inflexibility.
Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.
Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.
It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.
And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse.
It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.
Knowing doesn’t fix it.
It’s not that kind of problem.
That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”
What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.
We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.
People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.
It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.
Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.
It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.
This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.
But even further than that …
The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.
The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.
It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.
Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.
But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.
If you’re close to someone with AvPD…
… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.
And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.
Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.
And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3
(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)
So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.
The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.
This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.
Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.
Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.
It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.
It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.
But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.
They need you to believe them.
If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.
Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.
It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.
Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).
Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.
You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”
And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.
“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”
These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.
Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.
First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”
Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”
And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”
It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.
But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.
Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!
Hi there anon!
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:
What you want to accomplish by telling your parents
What your relationship with your parents is like
Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?
Crossing A Calm River
He took my heart as I gave it to him those sum of years ago that seem to be fading in the back of our
minds. I see him from the edge of this bank, but I cannot say the same for him. What does he think about?
I could cross this old river, this warm body that invites me in, beckoning periodically with its
hand stretched out, palms to the sky above and fingers twirling. But will I be the one to break
the still surface of the water? If it were I to take the daring plunge, I fear that the consequential ripples to be
sent through our firmament would be too great, too high to hurdle and perhaps too powerful to face head-on and break
through. I can put my foot in the water, but even then it sends waves that shake and almost tip toads off of their delicate lily pads.
Perhaps it is best that I remain high and dry, and perhaps by staying out of this calm and
stagnant water, I could perhaps avoid the parasitic insects that plague its surface, working
in tandem with the venomous hand of the river that both entices and seeks to drown me.
Why do you lie
To my soul
Your the reason this world is cold .
Cant you see
What you do to me ?
You bring me to my knees
To beg you,
for
The happiness in me .
You locked me up and
Forced me to fight
For the light , I cried for every night .
You made me , my own demon
The devil you created from the palm of your hand .
For ever I was giving no slack,
Licking the pain from your wounds while
Feeding the demon , within my own skin .
You made me crack,
I accept that
But I will come back ,
Stronger then the marks on my back
I will show you slack
I’ll accept your apology
When I get up from my knees , your see
I weren’t who you thought I could be,
I have to much lose
To give you the key
To end me.
@trueemotions91
Better then never knowing , but the deepest story’s are always - what if ❤️
My heart was yours,
True to the core,
I promised myself that ,
I could never give you just half ,
But I regret that .
As you stole my
Identity
Within a flash.
The risk is not opening
Your heart ,
It’s opening your mind ,
Which is when we become blind.
As we are teaching people the
One thing we are allowed to hide .
Don’t give your soul
Until you know ,
The holder Don’t want it to
Steal.
Fake copy created by yourself .
A wolf in sheep’s wool.
@trueemotions91
Don't Go Breaking My Bank: 8 Valentine Dates for College Kids
Don’t Go Breaking My Bank: 8 Valentine Dates for College Kids
Everyone wants to make this time of year special, but on a budget it’s difficult to do something more romantic than dinner and a movie. If only you knew someone that could come up with some good ideas for you… Oh, wait! You do! Here are some things to consider before compromising your budget, even if they may be worth it. These are red hot classics. Get your strike on at the bowling alley.…
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What do you do when you push away someone you love because you were both too young and scared, only to find them years later in an unhappy, physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive marriage? Is it right to try to convince her to leave? If I never stopped loving her, does wanting her to be safe and happy - even if it’s not with me - make me a terrible person? If she reached out to me after so long and still has feelings enough to want me back in her life as someone she trusts and loves, does caring for her enough to tell her she needs to run before it’s too late make me seem jealous? I do not want to be in her equation to stay or flee this overly-gender-roled, traditional, “christian”, repressive, abusive, marriage. I want her to be happy. I grew up in a household like that. My father using my stepmother as a brood mare and refusing to let her do anything outside the house. She always hated my brother and I. She was always cold and mean. It wasn’t until years later I found a bottle of anti-depressants she’d had hidden away in a spice cabinet (a place my father would never look). It took me years longer to realize the damage you sustain when you force yourself into a relationship with someone who isn’t who they claim, someone who wants you to change everything about you, someone who only wants to use you. It was killing my stepmother. It almost killed me. How could I on good conscience not want someone I still love to save herself from becoming warped, worn down, trapped in even something so binding as marriage. Before we even broke up, I knew leaving her was a huge mistake. I knew there was a risk she could be caught up in a near-shotgun wedding with some piece of trash who had no perspective outside his sheltered, “christian” life. I wanted to believe it would never happen. I wanted to believe she’d grow up, too, and find someone who loved her the way I should have, the way I would now that I’ve grown, too. Wanted to believe after these years she’d found that. She found the nightmare of my childhood... Is it wrong to want her to save herself? Is it wrong to tell her to stop rationalizing against his threats, his (for now) limited physical violence, his deception from who he was in dating to a 180° as married, his constant control and belittling, his refusal to acknowledge how hard she works as a nurse going to school part time while trying to stay physically healthy (This guy’s a fat POS, by the way [Not to belittle those who are overweight/big; he actually ridicules her for working out while he sits around on his fat ass eating food he expects her to prepare for him and refuses to do anything around the house after his cushy, 9-3, bank job.].), and his unconscionable mentality he is perfect and she should be changing for him? I cannot physically help her. We are far apart. I want her to be strong and make the decision for herself. She can, but she’s afraid. I would pay for her plane ticket away from there. I would drive there, if I could make it in time. I need her to be safe from that kind of life. Yes, she chose to marry him. She got caught up in her dreams as a young girl. Before you could really see what was happening, she was in this. She’s been married two years now. The first went by so fast. This last one has seen her finally realizing where she is. In this last year, she changed the most from what I remember. She’s still gorgeous, smart, wonderful, caring, loving, but it wasn’t until now she learned what I learned from my own abusive relationships. I regret letting her go enough in the first place. To lose her entirely to... that... would be too much.
Finding what you're looking for
Someone I know once told me his whole family holds the belief nothing good comes from introspection. As someone who has spent most of his life afraid of saying what I mean, doing what I want, and being what I want to be, this sounded like sage advice. Spending too much time worrying about nothings has taken its toll, and it's cost me more than one love so far. Was he right, though? Does cutting out self-consciousness totally do any good? Would it have helped me to be like that in those relationships I truly believed were better than I will ever have or deserve? Would that level of wanton ignorance be a blessing in the search for someone new? Is being how I am good enough? Were those really the perfect relationships I utterly fucked up? A part says I will never have love again, but another part rails against that notion because it all comes down to knowing what you want, having a goal, beginning at the end. Looking back, I never had those. I was so wrapped up in just getting into a relationship, I refused to see what truly was happening before my eyes. It almost killed me. Self-destructive, suicidal, depressed, angry, empty. Yet, because simply having someone meant more to me than being with them, I failed to turn away, and it hurt us both. I was too afraid to be me, so I settled with being a hideous visage of myself. Wearing different faces day-in day-out, and the longer it continued, the worse the relationships got. My relationship experience is little: Two, long-term things that turned into nightmares. Yet, both had several common denominators: 1) Me being an idiot; 2) Me not knowing what I wanted - which would have prevented both of those even starting in the first place. Sure, I liked them, but in the end, we didn't know each other fully. Looking back now, I can't believe we actually managed to get anywhere in the first place. We did like each other, but we settled. NEVER SETTLE FOR A WHOLE. Sure, once you know what you want, you may overlook certain aspects (physically, mentally, etc.), but NEVER give up everything for someone. If you're waking up irritated by being next to them, by having to call/text them, or by having to see them, you have overstayed your welcome in that relationship. Now, before arguing over the above, I mean irritated by everything they are for more than just a short time. People argue, disagree, fight, etc. Those do happen, but those aren't what I mean. If you either can't say "I love you," or it only feels like a hollow ring in your ears, things aren't working. It's time to change and find what you truly wanted all along. Finding that person or figuring out what they are is up to you. Like I said, I've only been in two, long-term relationships. Only ever been with five people total in a sexual sense. Taken me a long time to put much of any thought into why I messed up so bad. It would be nice to think myself as a person isn't terrible. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm as much of a monster as my exes accused me of being to them. Or, maybe we fit so poorly and fought it, we finally found we hated each other. Know what you want, take time to figure things out, be yourself, and don't let fear of anything push you away or pull you in. If a match is unlikely, don't rush. Save yourself and your other the loss down the road. Sure, feelings will likely be hurt, but you will only hurt more forcing a nightmare to continue. It's alright to walk away. It's alright to say "No." It's alright to be picky. Just be respectful.
This is not the first time a Jack has lost an arm to a caliginous queen.
From Clover’s perspective, the fight between Karkat and Clover is a leprechaun mating ritual.
Instead their charms comprise a spectral continuum of more su8tly varying types of relationships, most of which are esta8lished in mutual chicanery, such as the exchange of pranks, coy riddles, slapstick shenanigans, and games of chance.
ARANEA: No charm is specifically tied to procre8tion, though any type of relationship could 8egin waxing concupiscent if lady luck should so decide. Certain charm com8in8tions are known to 8e more conducive to fertility than others. If the leprechaun pair has 8een so 8lessed, they will 8egin an ela8orate coupling procedure culmin8ting in a lively m8ting jig. The jigs are specific to the charms of course, similar to how different kinds of music lend themselves to various styles of dance.
A sta8le relationship consisting of three or more charms is called a trove. These advanced relationships are often viewed as the ideal end result for a romance, much the way certain pairing rituals are for humans.
Clover’s eyes even flash the star-heart-horseshoe charm when Karkat hogties him.
Karkat is a Blood player, the aspect of bonds and relationships. Even though Clover is extremely lucky, and thus generally unbeatable, Karkat defeats him by unknowingly forming a bond with Clover (and literally binding him).
Today is World Mental Health Day! Let's focus on peaceful things. 🕊️🕊️🕊️✨✨✨
🍂Autumn Self Care🍂
Drink your favorite tea, cocoa or coffee ☕
Get cozy & relax with a good book 📖
Bring nature indoors 🌱
Put on warm comfortable clothes 💖
Bake something you love 🥧
Get some exercise, take a walk through nature 🍁
Go apple or pumpkin picking 🍏
Carve pumpkins with family or friends 🎃
Watch your favorite Fall movie ☀️
Take a nap to recharge 💤
Positive Affirmations✨
You deserve happiness, respect, peace & love 💕
You will overcome challenges & obstacles 💫
You are talented, you are strong, you are brave 🌈
Your voice deserves to be heard, you matter 🗣️
You are loved 💛
You are enough 🌟
GENTLE REMINDERS 🤗💡❤️
Drink lots of water, stay hydrated, take breaks 💦
Circumstances you can't control aren't your fault 🍂
It's okay to say "no" ❌
Treat yourself with kindness ☺️
It's okay to reward yourself 🍧
It's okay if you're not where you want to be yet 🛣️
Your illness doesn't define you ☀️
It's okay to take a day of rest & do nothing 🆗
• • •
60 Resources & Hotlines 🌍
https://socialworklicensemap.com/social-work-resources/mental-health-resources-list/
🍂Take care of yourself 🍂
Kiara and Kovu from Lion King 2 were peak romance. They made each other want to be better and they did. 10/10 show-stopping incredible. "In a perfect world, one we've never known, we would never need to face the world alone. They can have the world; we'll create our own" like okay?????? Coming out here slamming me in the face with such poetry????
Someone find me a cute man that adores me and thinks I’m his world so that I can show him all the affection he deserves and all his friends will be so happy he’s found someone.
I’m still frustrated at my last therapist because she really insinuated that asexuals don’t have feelings. She was trying to explain the difference between romantic and platonic relationships and kept saying it was about the sexual attraction, but I brought up that asexuals can still have romantic relationships, and then I had to explain what that was and then she was like “oh yes, I know about that” and I was like “clearly you don’t”. But she continued and said “If a person brings their partner flowers, their partner will like it, but asexuals won’t have that same feeling.”
“What if the asexual likes flowers? Wouldn’t they still be happy with it?”
“Asexuals wouldn’t be able to feel that because they can’t feel like normal people do. They don’t have emotions.” Or something along those lines. I repeated it slowly back to her, and she quickly backtracked but it didn’t seem like her response was very different.
Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them
I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.
Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.
When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.
I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.
