My grades are glitched and I’ve been having to go back and forth on messaging people to try to get it fixed. It’s hard though cause thinking about grades can send me spiraling. It just feels so suffocating and then I start panicking and so I literally cannot let myself think about it or just ruminate on it. I feel like a bother having to message my professor this much. It should be fine though, yeah? I mean this is their job so hopefully yeah? I managed to send out another email to my professor today after sending one to my advisor so fingers crossed that everything will be fixed after this one. I hope, it’s like painful for me to think about this stuff so it just gets increasingly distressing to me. One day I’ll figure out what all mental things I have but until then, this public diary will do. Cause for some reason this helps me more than an actual diary. Don’t know why screaming into the void is more comforting than into a notepad for me. Well if it works to make me feel better than it’s worth it. I am still hungry so might do that. Would help if I could overthinking but eh rambling my thoughts at least gets them out of my head so there’s that. Okay I’m feeling a bit better now, still hungry, but better. Signing off for now. - PendingHopes
I am hungry. I’m also awake. Since apparently I can only sleep for around 5 hours and then I must be awake for around 5 hours before I am able to return to sleep. Why does this happen to me? Oh well what do I ramble about today? Let’s see. I got a sweet new satchel today at a thrift store. It’s not my preferred color but hey it holds all my shit and it fits my art supplies so it’s sick. Got a new outfit that makes me feel like a vampire as well, so that’s nice. No idea what I will wear it for but I like it so maybe I’ll throw it on at random. Sadly have yet to get my friends invested in the shows I like but apparently some of their friends have similar show interests so one of these days one of my recommendations will get through to someone and not just because a genshin voice actor is in it. Please I need to rant about my shows to someone who either would be just as invested or invested enough in my conversation skills to be down to hear my rambles. So now, about those shows
Stealer: The Treasure Keeper is hilarious, I love him, and also found family. A thief who steals cultural relics that were illegally obtained or being kept for shady reasons etc returns theme to where they belong. This thief meets a group of cops wanting to work together to take down those who obtain these relics.
Circle: Two Worlds Connected - Jump between times where a cop investigating murders and twins who witnessed an alien appearance question reality.
The Guest (2018) - a priest, a cop, and a taxi driver are being haunted by their pasts. Possession, murders, their lives become entangled as they chase down a deadly ghost.
Weak Hero - found family. My heart man.
Also I’m so fucking hungry right now man but I’m also trying to fall back to sleep. Hasn’t happened yet but who knows.
Psychopath diary - Honestly, I’m not that far into this. It seems really interesting but also oh my goodness noooooo. Office worker witnesses a murder has amnesia (due to a cop car. Eyes on the road loves, though to be fair he did jump out it still bugs me). Ahem anyway, he ends up with a diary listing all the murders. However he has amnesia and doesn’t remember who he is and since the diary is the only belonging he was given, yeahhhhhh. I want to continue it but oh no man I just ahhhhh
Unnatural fires - I love how the credits have fire safety information. Super interesting show with found family vibes plus fire safety. Same as how Are You Safe has internet safety tips at the end of it. I recommend both. Haven’t finished either but they are really interesting.
Anyway I feel like shit rn so imma figure out what to do to feel better. Current options are try to sleep again, eat something, write something, watch something, or do something else. Eh I’ll figure it out in a bit.
Im done, oh I’m fucking done finals have ended and I can breathe again. Thank fuck man. Actually slept last night dear lord. Feeling better also I fucking love end of the world with you apparently, it’s so fucking good man. Also stealer treasure keeper is fucking great might I say. Circle two worlds connected is also fucking fantastic.
Haven’t been able to fall asleep and the amount of work I need to get done feels too much right now. Feels like I’m probably gonna fail, which makes me feel like shit. But even if I do fail
I could always retake the course. I just don’t want to disappoint people. So what happened was I was taking three courses this semester and prioritized one over the other two causing me to fall behind in both. Now it’s finals week and ima till so fucking behind. So I don’t know if I’ll pass them. And I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t. I’ve almost caught up in one of them but still. Feels like I should just cut my losses and focus on which one I’m more likely to pass. But I want to try. And by trying to do both I might just shoot myself in the foot doing this.
But what if I succeed? What if I fail? If I succeed I’d most likely get a c, if I’m lucky a b. If I fail I could retake the course. Don’t know if I’d still qualify for financial assistance though if I fail these two. I mean I’m not on a scholarship so it’s not that big of a deal I suppose but still. You know I never planned to go to college. Like when I was in school it was expected of me. But school really fucked me up. Had to get As all the time that I’d breakdown over get a b or just a fucking 90%. It wouldn’t matter which assignment, or how many points it was. I would stress over everything. Then I failed a few classes (there were extenuating circumstances that added to this), but it was so freeing. I redid the courses over summer and just felt so alive. The world didn’t implode and I was still alive. It had a lot less impact than I expected. I mean I was still pressured to get good grades but it didn’t hurt as much. Now though getting an A doesn’t feel like an achievement or something that I accomplished, it still just feels like an expectation. So it still hurts when I fail to meet it. And so I decided after graduating that there was no way in hell id go to college. But then I took a single course and honestly enjoyed it. It does help that I qualified for some financial things that cover me for a few years (which really was the deciding factor, it only lasts a set amount of years for me so if I don’t take courses now the money assistance would expire so gotta use it while I can). But old mindsets keep creeping back in. Lack of faith in myself, what could very well be executive dysfunction, mental health issues, just piled up again this semester. Keep thinking I overcame it that I’m doing better and it all comes crashing back. It’s hard. And I don’t know how to tell people that. I just accept my actions as they are and continue on. And I fucked up a lot this semester. But I also did try. There’s also the fact that I get sick when I stress out now. Started happening junior year of high school. On the very last day of school I puked due to stress. Ended up not going cause I couldn’t tell if I was sick or not. Since then whenever I stress out or overthink I puke. I’ve gotten better at managing it but I also have started to get nauseous when anxious so I need to do something. I’ve been meaning to meditate consistently but it’s the consistent part I’m having trouble with. Though I do think it would help. So I guess I’m just worried. And I still have all the work I need to do. I know I’m gonna try but if I fail anyway it’s gonna hurt so much. But I’ll be prepared for next time. No matter the outcome I’ll be prepared for next time. Okay, yeah. I’ll be okay. Sorry just needed to vent. Needed a moment to breathe.
Sometimes I’ll get feedback on a piece of work but the way it’s said feels like a diss. So eventually I take it as a challenge. Either a by heeding the advice or challenging it completely. Too childish? Too simple? Does that make it wrong? How does that affect the piece? Does it invalidate the piece? Can it add to the message? Essentially fuck you professor I’ll find a way to make it work and simultaneously piss you off.
I happen to like my professors it’s just sometimes I wonder why something is deemed wrong and want to find a workaround. I know they don’t mean it to be rude but anger is a motivation and I will find a way to make this work. Too simple? I’ll remake the piece but does simplicity make the original work bad? Or is it not realistic enough for this specific assignment? Just somethings I think about.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUGGHH
okay I’m good now. Had a lot of work to do (finals and I may have fallen a bit behind). All good now. Just needed to scream in anguish for a moment
Okay this is just a neat lil vent post. So the rest is just me rambling about random things.
Okay I’ve warned you and you’re still reading for some reason so uh hi. My brain’s just been a little too loud for me recently. Ah I guess I can talk about my blog lore. The reason I created this was when I was going through an existential crisis and just needed an outlet. And rambling about shows helped. So now when my mind is too loud I tuck into this tiny corner and wrap myself up in happiness. It’s sorta comforting. I’ve never been good at writing in a journal but for some reason just typing like this helps. Puts my mind at ease and lets me rant about my interests. It’s calming.
Been listening to the song alive by rose on loop for the past few days cause I need the stimulation and no other noise was working. On a side note I only found the song a few days ago as well. It’s nice. Kinda reminds me of the Christian music I heard as a kid. Side note: I grew up Christian, now though I don’t really believe but still view it as part of me. Even if I can’t believe old habits and mindsets remain. it's a comfort i miss but not one i find myself regaining. not yet anyway
on another note i get sick when im stressed. or overthinking. or both. stress now makes me physically ill so ive been trying to find ways to stop that from happening. the way it makes me ill is typically me vomiting. so now im trying out meditation. it seems to help a bit but maybe i should do it more to decreass my stress sooner then letting it build up. i guess i just need to get more used to it. calming myself. not tensing as much.
ah im compiling a list of dramas i watch with detective in the name. i love my detective dramas so i find it fun. now, not all of these i have watched yet but they match so: (^w^) hehe~ anyway: zombie detective, vampire detective, ghost detective, insect detective. so many with similar titles and i love them. my roommate is a detective is also in the list but i want to do the most similar titles first and then extend it. ah i love zombie detective so much. and vampire detective has a beautiful team who protect each other to hell and back and i am here for it. man i need to finish that show.
ah im feeling better so i shall get going for now. Have a wonderful day/night!
Content warning - kind of a vent. Just mind stuff. Eh I can’t think of a warning, other than what I’ve already written. Brain fog. Well that and sickness.
Working on a project and hating what it’s current progress and look every second I’m working on it but when I walk away and stop for a while I find I actually kinda like it. But then I go back to working on it and every fiber of my being is screaming at me that I’m somehow making it so so much worse and every touch is a mistake, but then I pause look back and go nice that actually looks good. But then it’s still not done so I gotta work on it more.. and I just get a bit tired with my brain. Like pls, let me work on peace.
Guess who’s sick and feels like shit!
Ah my mind is too much for me right now so let’s see, what should I ramble about? Ah I can’t think of anything at the moment so this is gonna be one of those existential crises posts. This will include topics that may trigger readers so please do not read if you think this will affect you. This is your final warning, please do not continue reading as this deals with mature topics and sad feelings.
Okay. Here I go. How do people live knowing they will one day die? It took me a while to fully understand that I wanted to live and now I’m scared of death. I really hope there is an afterlife. If there isn’t I guess the point of life is the experience itself. We’re all headed to the same place in the end. I guess one thing that helps is that I won’t be alone in facing it as this is something we all will face. I don’t know how to deal with this viewpoint. When I go out I just see the ending making it hard to enjoy the present. And I guess the ending scares me. But I shouldn’t let that stop me from enjoying myself. Life is beautiful. If there is nothing after the end that would honestly be a damn shame. Experience can be overloading, good, bad, it’s just a whole mess. But I love it, I love being able to feel, to connect, and be with other beings. So I guess I pray to whichever entity I believe in that they do exist. Cause I don’t want this to be the end.
Ah okay I guess this helped me get rid of some thoughts. Have a wonderful day/night.
Wooo! My brain is choosing not to be kind to me at the moment so I will take this time toooooo ramble! Now let’s see, what to ramble about today?
Zombie detective is a mystery comedy type show. An amnesiac zombie awakens one day to discover, he is in fact dead. Join him on his journey to find out who he was and how he’ll survive being a zombie in human society. Warnings: it is a zombie show so there is some death mainly of animals that is shown. It is also a detective show where they investigate humans and take on jobs. The show is mostly comedic but it does deal with some dark stuff so make sure to check a guide if there’s something in it you’re not able to watch.
Pending train is about a group of people who get stuck on a runaway train. Where are they now? They don’t know but they sure are trying to find out. Romance, mystery, drama, betrayal this show has it all. There are three main leads and the cast is pretty much all there from the first episode. (I find the three leads would be awesome as a polyamorous relationship). I don’t know what warnings to give for this one but there is some violence. I enjoyed the show and all the characters grew on me by the end of it.
Knock knock boys is about a group of guys who end up living in the same condo. Follow their journey as they bond and come up with all kinds of shenanigans. This show is for mature audiences only. They discuss the importance of consent and how talking about intimate relationships/health should be normal. It’s a nice comedic show that discusses the inadequacy of social norms.
Omg! Vampire is a comedic vampire show about a group of vampires who flee to the human world to enjoy life! Or uh afterlife I guess. Undead life? Eh, whichever works. Mainly humourous and friendly fun. The main characters all have bright personalities and their friendship with each other is just so fun. They banter, tease, and support each other. While also trying to make sure they don’t get caught.
Hospital playlist is a group of doctors who form a band together. Friendship, romance, loss, and hope. Follow the group of friends as they all deal with their personal problems. Watch as they help their patients and navigate the social hierarchy of being a doctor. Will they ever get a gig as a band? Who knows but they’ll keep playing together as the bestest of pals.
Insect detective. Honestly I have no idea what this one’s about. Haven’t finished the first episode yet but it looks interesting.
Vampire detective. Yes I like detective shows… and vampires. I’m only four episodes in but so far I am highly enjoying it. Three main leads and they have wonderful interpersonal relationships. The main woman is headstrong and powerful. All three are super smart and protective of each other. Though one could have better taste when it comes to romance. Oh well he’s got his pals to protect him now. Did I forget the main characters names? At the moment, yes. Mystery, drama, intrigue, vampires, this shows got it.
My roommate is a detective. Three main leads. A journalist with no journalistic integrity (or thought of consequence of actions), a policeman, and an unfortunate banker fallen on hard times. Join them as they investigate crimes, solve mysteries, and put up with each other begrudgingly! The three make for fun banter though some of their actions highly confuse me. Like… huh? Mainly the leading lady cause with as much as she talks about having journalistic integrity it really doesn’t feel like she digs to the truth of it all before jumping straight to a conclusion. Otherwise strap in for a fun time and chaos!
Tomorrow. A group of reapers try to help the living continue living. Their job is to help those who have given up in life find the strength to go on. A heart wrenching story of the beauty of life and death.
Dad of light. A father and son work to rebuild their relationship in the heartwarming show. A son tries to find ways to reconnect with his father after years of loosing touch. He gifts his father a final fantasy game and secretly joins him in co op to grow closer. Will they bond? Will they game? Watch to find out.
Navillera. A man recently found out he has dementia pursues his passion for ballet. Will he find a willing teacher? How will his family handle everything going on? A beautiful story of family, friendship, and life.
Well I feel a bit better so I’ll leave it there for now. Thank you for reading and I hope one of these shows can bring you joy! Hugs and best wishes, a random fan!