Kyman - Blog Posts

i, personally, am not really into stan getting into kyman’s way and trying to stop them from dating, but it seems to be one of the most popular trope for stan in kyman fics. and although i can see the appeal, i prefer another option.

please think about stan who’s actually helping kyman to get together.

so cartman has a big and (as he thinks) unrequited crush on kyle, and he decides that the fastest and most effective way to win kyle’s heart is to get stan’s support since stan and kyle are the best friends. and if you have stan by your side, you can say that half of work here is done.

and as a professional manipulator cartman convinces stan into helping him – he plays the “i’m on my meds & went through therapy” card, he says that stan is the one who gotta understand how broken heart and unmutual feeling hurt, that it’s almost their prom and cartman doesn’t have enough time to hit on kyle properly – and who knows, maybe they won’t even be in touch after kyle enters the university, so cartman has only one chance. he swears on his life he’s never gonna hurt kyle, and he flatters stan by saying he always hated him the least out of all the boys.

and stan as a hopeless romantic and sucker for stories with unmutual crushes finally gives in agreeing to help cartman. bonus if wendy is totally into this idea because a) it’d be amusing to watch them having their drama; b) she supports gay rights and wrongs; c) she think that kyle would be like a good influence for cartman and could “fix him” (my girl has never been so wrong in her entire life)

so they all start a whole new project for making kyle consider cartman as a proper romantic partner.

cartman: Okay. You have to invite him to the cinema BUT you will dump him at the very last minute so he’ll have to go there with me. What movie should we choose?

stan: Uhhh… There’s a new DC movie?

cartman: DUDE! Even I know he’s more of a Marvel fan.

stan: Well, I’m- I’m not supposed to memorize his preferences by heart, you know!

cartman: You’re his best friend?????

btw stanman and candy bonding over there :333

so wendy and stan help him to plan the whole dates, but the minor problem is that they have veeery different understanding of the romance.

wendy: The best way to win his heart and make some obvious hints is to take him out for a romantic dinner in the restaurant!

stan: No way, Kyle’ll hate that! Take him for a basketball game, he loves basketball.

cartman: …Can’t I just invite him to watch “The passion”?

wendy&stan, indignantly: CARTMAN!

cartman: What? It’s symbolic!

so they end up convincing him that kyle is never gonna like cartman if he doesn’t hide his true self, so he has to pretend a lot. he hates this idea, but eventually agrees and starts faking his behaviour being all nice, polite and kind-hearted, but every time their dates become a mess. and kyle seems to react veeery negatively, because even though he thought he wanted cartman to change, and he’s supposed to be happy that cartman is finally acting like a decent normal person – deep down he can’t get rid of this vague feeling that something is wrong, that he’s faking. and it irritates him so much he gets more and more angry and yells at cartman almost every time, even though there are no visible reasons for that.

and one day cartman just freaks out because he’s tired of faking, and if kyle doesn’t like the real cartman, than fuck him. and he finally asks him out the way he truly wanted – with mean jokes, rude behaviour, they just go to kfc and then sit at home watching dumb horror movies in cartman’s bedroom. and that was the first time they kissed – the first time in a long time when kyle saw cartman’s real self. and oh boy did he missed it.

when kyle was 16, his parents (mostly dad) decided that he had to understand how money are earned by hard and honest work, so they cut off his pocket money and gave him an advice to finally find a part-time job. kyle didn’t mind it much, so after a week or two of choosing the right option he decided to stick to something as peaceful and less stressful as possible, so he chose to get a job at the local library as an assistant. he already had experience in working with literature and students books – he was tutoring his classmates for a year by that time, plus the librarian was his mother’s friend so he didn’t expect any difficulties to get into his way.

until cartman learned about kyle’s new work and decided it was his moral duty to go into the library that he has never visited before and pester kyle every goddamn day. because kyle couldn’t do anything to stop this since he wasn’t allowed to start conflicts as a worker there. it also was prohibited to shout at the library so most of the time he was cursing and threatening cartman in a whisper. neither was he allowed to kick him out because the librarian truly believed that every child has the right to be in this sacred temple of knowledge.

and it was terrible.

every day kyle was expecting another trick from cartman – either it was total reorganising of the books on shelves from alphabetical order to matching colours, or a request to find a very rare book that only was in the library in one copy somewhere in the farthest corner of the room at the highest shelf – only to realise cartman absolutely knows this book has been missing for, like, three years by now.

kyle: Can you please stop bothering me?! You don’t even read books!

cartman: Sure I do! But paper books are sooo last century, I’m into e-books now.

kyle: THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE LIBRARY EVERY DAY, YOU SADISTIC ASSHOLE?

cartman: Making your life even more miserable and complicated than it already is?…

kyle: Why am I even surprised? I should’ve really guessed.

AND THEN one day kyle sees cartman in the library and mentally prepares for another portion of mocking, but surprisingly for him, cartman doesn’t even look at him, says simple and brief “hi” and goes straight to the reading hall, grabbing one of the books on the shelf. kyle can’t help but feel curious, because he’s never seen cartman so concentrated and serious – at least not the last few weeks. he sneaks up to him from the back:

kyle: What, have you finally realised what you’re actually supposed to do at the library?

cartman, shivering a little: You’re not supposed to scare the shit out of your customers too, huh, Kahl?

kyle: What even is this book? Knowing your tastes, I won’t be surprised if it’s, like, fucking Mein Kampf or something like that.

cartman, rolling his eyes: It’s none of your fucking business. And I wouldn’t read Mein Kampf, who do you even think I am?

and then kyle grabs cartman’s book and with surprise sees that it’s one of his most favorite books (i’m not sure what exactly it is but my personal hc is that kyle is really into dystopias and stories with political controversial subtext…), and he really can’t help but start discussing it with cartman. after, like, a whole half an hour of kyle infodumping him with the history behind this book, he realises they actually have pretty similar taste, and cartman’s analysing skills are so great he really understands all of the hidden messages in books, and they, well…. eventually start hanging out in the library discussing books they’re reading rn. to the point where kyle almost forgets about his other duties at work ‘cause he gets really consumed by all these discussions with cartman.

and he tries to tell about this to stan and kenny but they both just laugh because these two nerds who have finally found a conversation partner are fucking hilarious.

+ bonus about their preferences: they both are really into morally grey and/or generally antagonistic characters. and although it’s totally predictable for cartman, he was really shocked when he realised kyle adores “bad” and “immoral” characters as well (we aaaaaall know why…)

also i think kyle is more of a “plot” person who really enjoys reading about how the world in the book works, meanwhile cartman mostly prefers digging into characters, relationships between them and their psychological traits and traumas, yk? and it really helps, because each of them often notice little details the other might’ve missed.

perhaps making my whole personality about two cartoon ten years old boys was a mistake

OK IDK IF ANYONE’S INTERESTED BUT

my compilation of kyman nsfw headcanons

(obviously they’re both aged up, it’s about 18 for both of them!!) also cw nsfw also please tell me if it gets too cringe……..

• they both have a LOT OF complaints about each other. for example, first month or two kyle has this thing about keeping their relationship in secret from everyone. so every time they’re about to have sex or even just to have a sleepover, he goes over the whole house five times to make sure nobody’s home, locks the door to his room, covers the windows, turns on the music so loud that no one could possibly hear what’s going on between them. he really even considered the idea of turning off the light, but cartman finally freaked out one day and said that if kyle wasn’t gonna handle his fucking paranoia, cartman would just go home.

also he’d try to make cartman quiet all the time so as not to be found by anyone, and it would piss cartman off SO bad: “Be quiet!!! My mom’s gonna hea–“ — “Can we please fuck at least ONCE without mentioning your BITCH mom OH MY FUCKING GOD.”

• also cartman is a jerk so every time kyle does something wrong and pisses him off, cartman remembers it and then later he leaves kyle bites, marks and hickeys on his neck or some other parts of his body that kyle can’t hide under the clothes. and kyle gets SO mad because “My mom is TOTALLY gonna notice this shit why the FUCK would you do that?” – “You called me fatass at school again, I had to take my revenge!”

eventually kyle would start wearing a scarf to hide all the marks cartman left him. and one day cartman was really stupid enough to start laughing in front of the other guys like “This scarf is so fucking gay, Kahl, what are you trying to cover up by it, hickeys??”. and oh boy if glares could kill…

• they don’t really have stable top/bottom roles… usually they just take over control when they feel like it (however, cartman-bottom and kyle-top happens to be a tiny bit more often)

• cartman is really into “extreme” so he would enjoy pestering and teasing kyle in public places so much. you know, quick unexpected kisses in the bus while nobody’s watching, brief touches and quiet and absolutely inappropriate whispering in the crowd…

moreover, cartman would totally be the type to start touching kyle’s knees under the table during the family dinner at broflovski’s house while talking to sheila with the most innocent face a person could possibly have. (kyle is sitting next to him about to explode with embarrassment and anger).

• in addition to that “extreme” thing, they are both kinda addicted to risking, so after two or three months of dating they both would get really into doing it in public. the worst time was in marsh’s bathroom once. stan learned about it already after the fact, and he stopped talking to them for, like, almost a week, because it was fucking traumatizing.

*kyle and cartman, kissing at the bus stop*

stan, laughing: You guys are gross, haha.

cartman, chuckling: Oh, come on, it’s nothing compared to that one time we did it in the bathroom in your house.

stan: …You did what?

kyle: WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT

cartman: What, you said you liked it!

kyle: I am so sorry, Stan, it’s all his fau–

stan: I am NEVER letting you in my house again.

kyle: Wait, Stan, please–

kenny, coming up to them: Hey guys! ‘Sup?

stan, completely broken: They had sex in my bathroom once.

kenny, grinning: WOAH nice one guys!!! Have you already done it in my house too?

kyle: NO

cartman, in sync: Yes.

• kyle absolutely sucks in romance but he’s actually trying his best to be as romantic as possible, so for their first time he bought flowers, lit candles in his room and made a goddamn playlist with the most cringy romantic songs about love ever. at first cartman didn’t mind it, and he honestly thought it was absolutely sweet. however when he heard some french song playing from kyle’s laptop while they were in the middle of process, he got so irritated he (with an effort) stopped kissing kyle for a minute to walk up, half-naked, to the table to turn off the music and mutter something about kyle’s terrible tastes.

• they both are SO prissy i mean they can get sooo absolutely gross sometimes, but having sex without having a shower and proper preparation first? never. and it’s actually pretty funny, because people don’t usually expect cartman to care so much about cleanness :D

• also cartman reaaally likes getting on kyle’s nerves and embarrass him in front of others, so it’s a typical situation when he tries to kiss or do something more intimate to kyle while he’s having a phone call or smth. (gross and disrespectful but oh how kyle loves it)

and it just somehow happens that stan is the one who suffers the most from this. one day stan and kyle were discussing on the phone something school-related and cartman got bored enough to start casually teasing kyle, touching him, kissing and biting his neck and, well, more.

kyle, breathing heavily while talking on his phone: Y-yes, dude, I’ll… I’ll send you my homework as soon as I get a chance.

stan: Kyle, I swear to fucking god if Cartman is trying to blow you while we’re talking, we will NEVER be friends again.

kyle: Of course he– doesn’t! What kind of perverts do you… think we are.

stan: You know what? I’ll ask Kenny about homework.

kyle: Kenny never does his homework.

stan: Yes, and Kenny also never tries to fuck someone AND talk to me at the same time!

kenny, shouting from the other room: I’m sorry to disappoint you, but actually–

stan, horrified: I hate you all.

• also yes meanwhile they can get pretty, uhh, sadistic from time to time most of the time they stick to gentle and comforting treatment because they never want to hurt each other on purpose. moreover, kyle praises cartman in bed constantly, making him feel much more confident about his body, and sometimes, when they’re most intimate and close to each other, kyle calls him “eric” and actually – cartman thinks just this, just hearing his own name pronounced by kyle with such satisfaction is so much better than sex itself.

• not nsfw, but cartman really often sneaks up to kyle’s room to just lay down with him and hug at night till they both fall asleep, and even though it was really awkward at first, as time passed, kyle got pretty used to opening his window and letting cartman in to hug him really tightly and sleep together :(

My half of an art trade with @bloogers-boogers that my dumbass forgot to post 😭

I drew their versions of the fuckers 😎🫵

They're arguing for the millionth time over something except this time it's actually hurtful - whoopsies

just finished tfbw i am so not fucking normal about kyman there

professor: Mister Broflovski, when I gave you an assignment to make a presentation on any legal topic of your choice, I didn’t exactly mean this…

kyle, standing next to a laptop with an “every crime ever committed by eric cartman” presentation: What do you mean🥺

so yes i have a kyman university au which i am writing now where they enter the same uni (they didn’t know it until it was too late) and start fighting ‘cause ppl actually like cartman because they dont know about all those terrible things he’s done.

i feel like even professors would dislike kyle for how he acts around cartman.

cartman: So moral values, on the other hand, although are not mandatory to follow, are extremely significant in people’s lives. They are the reason why people understand the importance of equality, honesty and self control. And even though they are not written in any legal documents or Constitution, people who don’t live by their standards or whose values differ from the rest of society are eventually called deviants and threaten the law system. Basically, summing up what I have just said, life without moral values would be a complete disaster and would cause chaos and disorder.

professor: Very well, Eri–

kyle, rolling his eyes and snorting: Oh, please.

professor: Is there a problem, mister Broflovski?

kyle: I’m sorry, but– As if he knows anything about moral values.

professor: And what do you mean by that unexpected accusation?

cartman: I apologise, Professor, me and Kyle were… acquainted before. I believe he’s talking about those times.

kyle: Yes, I am! You shouldn’t even be allowed to study Law in the first place!

cartman: Wow, Kyle. Rude.

professor: Young man, everyone is allowed to study law, no matter what things they’ve done in the past.

kyle: But you don’t understand, he’s…

professor: And I don’t want to judge my students by their past. Right now I see in Eric Cartman a good, responsible, hard-working and smart man, and you… well, you’ve already spoiled my impression.

kyle, shocked: What– But– It’s–

cartman: Can I now continue my answer, Professor?

professor: Sure, Eric, go on. And you *(refers to kyle)* – please, refrain from unasked comments in my classes.

kyle: But– …Okay, I’m… sorry. Won’t happen again.

i have a headcanon that all of cartman’s “first times” were with butters: first kiss, first sexual contact (as teens), first date attempts. because they both trusted each other and they both had sexuality and identity crisis, so they kinda… experimented with each other.

and even though kyle laughs when he just learns this fact of cartman’s life, after he finally starts dating cartman he can’t help but feel these jealousy and envy when eric mentions that “he has already tried that with butters”, and he’s very likely to subconsciously start disliking butters a little, because he just can’t let go of this thought of cartman and butters kissing or having an awkward date or something.

kyman would have made a prenup before anyone would even thought about the wedding

for some reason i enjoy so much the idea of kyle actually genuinely liking cartman’s appearance. like, he would never admit it – especially to cartman – but somehow eric really is a perfect match for kyle’s preferences.

therefore he can’t possibly stand the idea of cartman changing his appearance to become more “beautiful” in other people’s opinions, because kyle likes him the way he already is — and kyle already is sure cartman is beautiful.

so eeeevery time cartman has even a tiniest thought of losing weight, kyle makes sure he will change his mind.

cartman: I don’t know, man, maybe I really should lose weight… I mean, I’m hot as hell right now, but imagine all those girls who will go completely insane when they see me all skinny and sexy?

kyle: Gross. I don’t want to even think about it.

cartman: Are you jealous, Kyle? Or are you just envious ‘cuz I get more females’ attention being big-boned than you do with your thin ass?

kyle: Don’t you flatter yourself, Fatass. When was the last time a girl looked at you without a terror on her face?

cartman: Oh, shut up, Jew! You’re just afraid you’ll look even uglier next to me.

kyle: So you’re going on a diet, right?

cartman: Right!

kyle: Okay, good luck with this. …Oh, wait, isn’t this a KFC restaurant right there? And, wow, look: I have fifteen bucks right here! Damn, that’s just perfect for a double portion of chicken...

cartman: No… you sneaky little…

kyle: Huh? What’re you saying? I didn’t quite catch it. Do you wanna join me, Cartman?

cartman: …I hate you so much, Kyle. You’re going to burn in hell for forever. More than that: I will turn your life to hell myself–

kyle: So you’re going or not?

cartman: …Yes.

ALSO yes he’d support cartman’s decision to lose weight for himself but he just hates the idea of cartman changing his body just for social standards. and i just want at least one person to completely adore cartman’s looks and compliment him and i think kyle’d be the one to do so. once he get over his embarrassment, he’ll start telling nice things to cartman once in a while and cartman who is absolutely not used to genuine praise will be so. fucking. happy. every time.

thinking about kyle who somehow memorises every little detail about cartman’s life. he says he does it so he can use it against cartman in the future but honestly nobody believes him. every time stan and kyle go to the shop to buy something before cartman and kenny come to play xbox together, they’re like

stan, grabbing vanilla ice cream: Okay, and this one’s for Cartman.

kyle: Nah, he hates vanilla, I’d better choose this chocolate one, that’s his favorite, plus take marshmallows cuz he likes to add them to ice cream.

stan: …Tell me again why do you always remember Cartman’s taste?

kyle: What?! I don’t remember just his taste particularly, I have a good memory and accidentally remember other people’s preferences.

stan: Ok, so what’s my favorite ice cream?

kyle, confused: Uh… Strawberry?..

stan, betrayed: I don’t even eat ice cream! Ever! Dude!!!

kyle, embarrassed af: Can we just continue shopping PLEASE.

cartman took kyle’s phone and changed his own profile there THE MOMENT they started dating (kyle did not rlly like this because when cartman called him once he had no idea what excuse to use when he tried to explain to stan why cartman is called “bbygirl🥰😍” in his phone)

ok here’s an original with heiman but naaaah

Made a lil kyman animatic cause I love them sm???

Song's by Reel Big Fish!

my gf and her moots came up with the sick idea of south park and homestuck crossover so i couldn't resist and drew some of.... stuff!!! i changed like TONN of stuff but i still admire the concept!!

so about a kyman university au here

imagine when kyle and cartman’s new classmates once are so sick of hearing kyle hating cartman so much, so they sceptically ask what is it what kyle has against eric. and kyle is so confused as he can’t choose proper words to find an actual reason why he hates cartman, so he just grabs the first guess he has in mind and victoriously declares “For example, he gave me fucking AIDs once, does that count?”

and he’s so proud of finally revealing them how terrible cartman is, that he doesn’t notice how his classmates exchange understanding looks and nod. then he hears “Oh, so they were exes… That explains everything!” and gets fucking furious while cartman is losing it sm he doesn’t even try to deny their assumption.

au about kyman entering the same university somewhere far away from south park, where not a single person knows what kind of reputation cartman had back in his native town.

so cartman decides it’s a chance for him to replay the game and change the way he is treated.

he acts nice, he makes wise decisions, he makes friends with those who can help him in future, he doesn’t break a single law and studies hard, he becomes a perfect version of eric cartman. and everyone falls for it, because he seems absolutely cool, funny and charismatic to them.

the only person who’s not buying it is kyle, who decides it’s his moral obligation to “expose” the true nature of eric cartman, so he tries to sabotage him in any way but fails every time eventually humiliating himself. by the end of the first term even the professors know that kyle broflovski is obsessed with fighting with cartman and most people assume that he’s either a simple fatphobic bully or is in love with cartman.

by that time kyle is considered to be a loser and is pretty much avoided by most of his peers meanwhile cartman is surrounded by people who love and admire him. so it happens that cartman is the only friend kyle’s got now hehe.

the whole first half of an au is basically kyle who’s trying to set cartman up so he can reveal his “evil side” but he ends up as an unbelievable piece of shit himself.

and kyle is pissed because how can’t anyone see the truth??

he complains about it to cartman because he doesnt have anyone else.

cartman, meeting kyle in the morning: Hey, so how will you try to set me up this time?

kyle: I am not “setting anyone up”. I simply want people to know the truth about who you really are.

cartman: Seem kinda obsessed with me, huh, Kahl?

kyle: Do not provoke me, Cartman.

cartman: I am not. Just… what’s the truth, tell me? Who am I, then? I seem to have forgotten it since everyone here thinks I’m great.

kyle, raising his voice: You’re an unbelievably psychotic fat ugly piece of shit and you do not deserve what you get, that’s who you are, you hear me, asshole?!

everyone in the class: …Woah, Broflovski. Nice job, jerk, now you made him upset. What’s even wrong with you?

cartman, raising voice so everyone hears him: Wow, Kyle, I guess you really haven’t changed since high school. And I was stupid enough to hope we could be friends here…

kyle, confused: Wait, that is not what… That’s… Fuck!! You planned it since the beginning, didn’t you?

imagine kyle who was DREAMING about his university life? he thought he’d be noticed because of how smart he is, he thought girls would love him because he’s intelligent and nice, he thought everything would be different. but instead his life was once again about cartman – and he couldn’t forgive him for ruining his life of dream.

kyle: Why on Earth would you do this? It was supposed to be the best year of my life, but you just had to show up and ruin everything!

cartman: I ruined everything?

kyle: Yes, you did! Why else would you go to the same university?!

cartman: I’m sorry, Kyle, I don’t quite get it. You think I went to this university just because of you? How highly do you think of yourself?

kyle: Why not? You’ve been obsessed with me the whole time!

cartman: I’m obsessed? Isn’t it you who devotes all his time in his first year of university trying to set me up? Tell me about being obsessed, Kyle!

kyle: What’s that supposed to mean?

cartman: I came here, to the university as far from South Park as possible, to start a new fucking page of my life without prejudice. Have you seen a single person here who would refer to me as “fatass” except for you?

kyle: Oh, don’t even start it with “fatphobic” shit, you can’t possibly be offended by this, that was just friendly bantering!

cartman: Was it? Was it, Kyle?

kyle: Well–

cartman: And even now that I’m here you still can’t let it go. You still can’t accept the tiny possibility that I might’ve changed. So you just have to go there and shout “hey, everyone, he’s a piece of shit, you should hate him with me”. Does that help your self-esteem?

kyle: I… ugh, I didn’t think it was like that…

cartman: I know you didn’t.

man i LOVE kenman brotp (that goes along with kyman otp) so here’s an au

ok cw death

i was randomly thinking about an au where cartman got immortality too.

(idk how exactly tho, i think it had something to do with satan or jesus who wanted to teach cartman empathy and sympathy so he can understand how does it feel to live a life of less fortunate who suffer every day or smth like that)

so he got immortal and that’d be the funniest thing on earth because he definitely thought about it as a blessing, not a curse. because now he can do stupid things and not worry about it because he’ll just get back to life. and it’d save him a lot of time, he’d be like uhhhh going from school is sooooo long i guess i’ll just kill myself to respawn at home.

and that kinda helps kenny because for the first time he starts seeing his immortality as something remooootely positive?

and kenman are a partners in crimes brotp in this au because you can’t tell me cartman wouldn’t use their powers to rob banks and punish those he dislikes. and kenny just has to keep looking after cartman so he doesn’t kill himself too often.

(btw cartman TOTALLY would get killed in front of the guys on purpose once and recorded it on a video because he wanted to know their reaction and then he saw kyle literally almost CRYING and it made him feel kind of guilty… but he expected everyone to forget his death, like they forgot kenny’s, and so did happen, with one minor exception – kyle remembered… heheheh i’ll definitely write something about kyman in this au later)

anyway cartman convinces kenny that they can make BIIIG money if they use their superpower to rob a bank. kenny didn’t want to tempt the fate at first, but then cartman told him how he could save his family with the money and kenny finally agreed.

they’d be like:

kenny: (Now we divide the money we stole in half, equally, right?)

cartman: Actually, I think I deserve 60%, Kenny.

kenny: (What?! How come?)

cartman: I died twice during the mission!

kenny: (THAT’S BECAUSE YOU SHOT YOURSELF FOR FUN AND I HAD TO WASTE TWO HOURS TO WAIT FOR YOUR RETURN.)

cartman: I suffered more!

kenny: (Give me the money, asshole! We had a deal!)

cartman: Ugh, fine, fine. Take it, Poor Kid. Buy your sister a fucking doll, for all I care☹️

kenny would waste more time on calming cartman down than on actually doing crimes on the missions come on, ‘cause mf risks his life constantly due to his immortality.

he would come to a bank employee and start insulting and teasing him, and kenny would have to pull cartman away until this stupid ass got shot again.

cartman to the security guard: Ha! Try and stab me! Stab me, you pussy!!!

kenny, standing behind him with a threatening look: Do not.

AND ALSO KYMAN IN THIS AU because kyle does not remember kenny’s deaths but he DOES remember cartman’s so drama drama drama

and if cartman was immortal and kyle found out about it he’d get like super overprotective, because he doesn’t want to lose cartman forever just because this stupid asshole doesn’t take anything seriously and thinks that dying is fun.

so yep it’s basically brotp!kenman and kyman crime au and it’s been rotting my brain for like hours and now i want to write a fucking slowburn fanfic for 100k words.

kyle in post covid who finally started dating cartman but every day he feels this bitter dissatisfaction because he can’t accept the fact that he and cartman lost forty years spent with wrong people when they could have been together since elementary school if only they were a bit more opened with their own emotions. and this feeling of wasted years, wasted life keeps haunting him and never lets go :(

hiii just got really inspired from @hatsunevitu posts about kyman crossovers sooo i just had to do some arts n sketches w/ 'em :D

close up!!!

& infinity train concepts!!! yeah :D

heeyyy so @bloogers-boogers asked me abt my thoughts on sp characters’ relationships so i did this thing with main 4 + butters + creek + weidi

i have a LOT of thoughts on each bro(sis)tp and pairing hehehe

its not based on canon, i guess it’s like my perfect vision of them in high school

also i am hyperromantic person sooo i self projected into stan and now he’s hyperromantic and has crushes on each person he talks to hehehehehee

not all of my hcs but main ones ig

also the template made by me in case someone needs it!!

ERIC CARTMAN (SP One-shot) (small drabble?)

Slight Eric Cartman/ Kyle Broflovski

'Drugged by mommy'

Summary/ warning⚠️ : this is a against fic; addictions/ may suggest sexual harassment/ sensitive topics. Your girl Liane ain't it in this fic (she's kinda awful)

Author's note: I'm finally slowly getting out of my writers block u guys! I'm excited to get back with writing, having a lot of stuff planned 🙌🏼!

~~~~~~~

Eric curled up in bed covering his ears with his blankets, loud moaning being heard by the next room. It wasn't something uncommon atleast not something he's supposed to be in shock from, genuinely he didn't seem to care. He was numb by these noises, they had become his own sick twisted lullaby, a quick method to go to sleep, a signal to do so.

He wanted to fall unconscious by the comforts and protection of his blankets bringing him warmth and a shielding effect to it, being left with the sheltering feeling of his bed. Forgetting it all, but his mother's screams full of last and pleasure have never been as louder then that dreadful night, he feared his mother was being raped outta instinct but by this point he's figured out she seemed to enjoy it. After a couple of internet searches and how Kyle explained to him about 'sex' after that one time he made himself look like a fool infront of the new kid and his coon pals. He genuinely thought Kyle was fucking with him, but once he navigated the internet he soon realized the truth.. his mother's a.. he found pages of people dedicating and even having a carrier over such thing! He couldn't believe it, it was eye opening.

They called it 'porn' that same crap Kenny was so obsessed with, and for his own awful luck he had found his mother appearing in a couple of thumbnails. No child should ever witness their parents expose themselves like that, sell themselves..

But that wasn't what bothered him the most, it was the strange men she'd bring. Complete intoxicated strangers. He sniffed, small tears popping in the corner of his eyes.

Hearing heavy footsteps walk through the hall a whole different contrast to his mother's, and the doorknob of his room began to budge turning fanatically a couple of times as if the stranger attempted to trespass his only safe place. Which was probably the case, it wasn't the first time that has happened neither would it be the last. Though, now he's learned the importance of locking his door room.

He gulped hearing a light knock, "sweetie, it's me."

He closed his eyes for it to appear he was fast a sleep, but his mother knew him too well.

"I know what're your trying to do, Eric. That won't work on me, now opened this door and don't be naughty."

He groaned, sitting on the edge of his bed, reluctantly walking towards his door and opening the door slightly, peeking through the small gap.

His mother gave him a small smile, which he took as innocent and apologetic. She hold on to a cup of tea.

"Brought you some tea for you to relax, I know you're probably having difficulty to sleep for the big event tomorrow, poopsikins."

He won't deny that was something he was actually looking forward to, he accepted the cup and took a sip before walking back to bed.

His mother stood there in the the door frame, the door wide open as he cautiously continued to drink the tea eyeing her up and down skeptical. She seemed saddened but her smile never faded, however her eyes we're sure telling.

He drank the last sip, and suddenly his body felt relaxed and his head all giddy. He layyed back flat against his mattress he saw his mother approach him pampering in whispers while she caressed his hair and kissed him in his forehead affectionately.

He doesn't remember all too well what happened next, however he was awaken by sirens, and a police officer asking if he was feeling okay. His mother was cuffed but she looked away from him as she was dragged that night in a police car. The officer who stood by his side gesture him to follow, taking him outside as he was greeted by a crowd of noisy people watching everything unfold.

Some looked at him with pity, others in shock, then there's was concerned. He managed to see his friends in the crowd all looking concerned seemingly just waken up by the commotion, he still felt himself dizzy, but there was something in the pit of his stomach that was telling him his mother had got themselves in trouble for real this time.

The police cars lights almost blind him as he was shoved inside, he watched the crowd of people get smaller and smaller as it drove off.

"Do you recognize this man?" The chief asked him while gesture a man with a black coat and curly black hair, pale skin just as a perfect description for a vampire.

He denied with his head, still seemingly confused by the whole thing, he felt tired like if he hadn't gotten an ounce of sleep, "no."

"He was an undercover cop, boy. Your mother has been in the wrong ropes for quite a time, we just needed some actual proof that she was in the business."

"What business?"

The chief place a hand on his shoulder which gesture made him arched a brow for, "son, I'm afraid your mother is a no good whore."

He slapped the officers hand off him in disbelief and annoyance, not caring for any negative responses from that.

"Okay." Was the only thing he managed to mustered, that still doesn't make any sense on to why she'd be cuffed when she's alway been participating in those type of jobs since he remembers and still, she's never gotten in trouble for it.

Actually he was pretty sure his mother and the chief had gotten it going at some point, which makes this even more irritable.

The chief rub his hand bitterly but didn't comment anything about it, "Howie here, pretend to be a client for the night. We take are job serious, we needed to prove certain rumors being true."

"What rumors?"

"Eric, has your mother ever made you dance for men while being intoxicated and doing inappropriate things with the men she brought home while you were watching?".

His eyes widen, in fact, she had.. but would it be right to admit that? It was embarrassing and humiliating.. but by his expression it was enough for the chief to realize that was in fact right.

He said nothing looking at the ground as it were the most interesting thing in the world, he genuinely didn't want to be there. He wanted to be back home and wait for his mom to reappear and make him his favorite pastries. Like none of this have ever happened.

Ofcourse that wasn't gonna be anytime soon.

For his dismay he was taken in by the Marshes, Sharon has taken pity over the situation and somewhat felt she had to do something about it. He wasn't allowed to see his mother until her trial which will be in a month.

Being driven to Stan's has never felt longer, as the social workers dropped him off and he was greeted by a saddened Sharon who hug him lightly before letting go. Stan peeking from her side with an awkward expression, both looking at each other not knowing what to exchange, tension forming but was quickly broken as Randy showed up from the kitchen walking by the living room. A shirt in hand as he shoved it on him abruptly.

"Randy!" Mrs. Marsh smacked him on his back in shock, "What do you think your doing!?"

Stan looked at his father just as offended but said nothing.

"If there's gonna be more people in this house it means more free publicity for our weed business," he then mustered quietly but not quiet enough, "Besides, a case like his is gonna bring quite an attention on us."

"Dad!" Stan shouted angrily, incredulous.

Eric was unfazed by the whole ordeal, just bothering to fix the hemp shirt adjusting well on to his body.

"See? He gets it," Randy shrugged the obvious glaring, nudging Stan lastly as he went back to the fields.

Mrs Marsh gave him one more small apologetic smile before walking to the kitchen telling Stan to take Eric to the guest room.

Stan kicked the floor lightly, "so.."

"I don't want to talk about it Stan. I don't care." He blankly admitted causing Stan to look at him bewildered. Eric shrugged dismissing his reaction, "let's just do something skewl I'm bored outta my mind."

Not long after his arrival to the Marshes he figured out why Stan complained so much about his home (a couple of hours to be in fact); everthing smelled like weed, even the bathroom.

Though, he won't deny having dinner among a somewhat family was nice, in a sense.

He got along with Shelley so it wasn't hard to make conversation with her, they actually shared a lot of the same taste in music/fashion/ idols. So topics to bring up we're easy between them.

There was a door knocking heard from downstairs but he didn't pay much mind to it just pacing around Shelley's room complaining of the ongoing hype people were doing over the weekend's new partner, as if he didn't have more girlfriends than someone could possibly count on.

Footsteps were heard rushing upstairs, and a following interruption brought by Stan and two other guys; Kyle and Kenny.

They glance at him with the same awkward expression Stan had gave him with his arrival. He hated it so much.

"Always ruining the fun, turds." Shelley commented while putting some headphones on now scrolling through her phone.

"C'mon Cartman," Stan commented while dragging him outside by the sleeve, towards his room.

Kenny closed the door as all three pair of eyes layyed on him.

"Goddammit! Quit it you guys." He spat glaringly, "it's fine, I've never been better," rolling his eyes lastly trying to push the subject elsewhere, "let's play video games."

The three boys shared a look before reluctantly just doing that.

••••

Eric grunted once again, as he was not able to focus on the game with Kyle anxious leg bumping again his. It was starting to annoy him and also, Kyle has been losing to many rounds for his liking.

"Can you quit that?" He sneered at the redhead earning a glare that immediately faded to a pitiful stare.

"Sorry," he replied back, which made Cartman throw his controller to the ground outta frustration causing his three friends to flinch in surprise.

"DON'T FUCKING APOLOGIZE!? WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING!?" He screamed outta the top of his lungs, now dashing outside in a fit of rage. Not knowing his redhead friend ran behind him.

"Cartman," He called out calmly, closing the front door of the house and standing still on the porch as he watch Eric who had sat down on the first step in a slouch manner, "you can talk to us."

The boy rolled his eyes to that, "I'm fine. Why can't anyone get that?"

"How are you gonna be fine after that?"

Eric stood up grabbing some tool that was carelessly left there, "it's not like she raped me, Kahal," he sneered once more tired of having to explain himself, noneless to his archrival. He threw harshly the tool twoards some crops visualizing from afar Randy and Towelie sneaking inside credigree farms.

"We should go check that out," he stated trying to move pass it, but Kyle ofcourse wouldn't let him do so.

Kyle gripped on the back of his shirt, practically yanking him towards him.

"Stop trying to run away. It's not gonna work on me and you know it."

"And what do you expect, Kyle? Do you expect me to drop all my sob story to you like if we we're all buddy buddies!?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" The redhead glared at that.

Eric scoffed, "let's be for real here, Kyle. We're not friends, we've never had, I hate you, you hate me. So stop acting like you give a fuck."

Eric felt Kyle loosen his grip letting him go. He took this as a sign that it was his chance to run off as Kyle seemed to be left with out anything else to say.

Before even managing to go down the porch stairs Kyle pushed him off making him fall flat on to his stomach.

"WHAT THE F KAHAL!? WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR," He whined out trying to stand back up but a pissed off redhead boy prevented him from doing so; lounging himself on to him being left on top of him while gripping on to his collar, fanatically shaking him.

"You really think you could make me believe we're not even remotely friends by this point, fatboy?"

Eric nervously looked away as Kyle's nose brushed against his. Talk about personal space huh.

Kyle with his free hand gripped on to his chin forcing him to look directly at him, "look at me when I'm speaking to you, Eric."

He gulped and he swore Kyle could feel that, "what else do you expect me to believe?"

"After all the shit we've been through, makes us something right? I've gone through hell because of you and I'm not gonna let you pinned down my efforts as nothing more than just rivalry," Kyle spoke, still not letting go of his collar, "Eric, I'm really, REALLY sorry about your mom.."

Eric's expression softened.

"It's really fucked up she made you do those things. And I just- you can't just shrug that shit off and act like it didn't happen?"

"What did you think I was doing all these years, asshole?" He spat almost bitter, the fact that he unintentionally opened himself to Kyle, a slip of tongue about something so vulnerable and very personal of his.

He cursed himself internally as he saw Kyle soften in bewilderment.

He pushed Kyle away and this time he managed to escape the interrogating noisy ginger.

i like to think that every time cartman agrees with kyle on something, kyle gets really confused and subconsciously waits for cartman to start an argument so it goes like

kyle: …Yes, so that’s what I think.

cartman: Cool, I think so too.

kyle: What?

cartman: What?

kyle: Aren’t you gonna argue?…

cartman: Why would I? Your point sounds reasonable.

kyle: No, wait, that’s… that feels kinda weird. What about the part when I said that I formed my opinion based on that one research? Aren’t you gonna check it to see if I didn’t make it up by myself?…

cartman: Wtf, Kyle, you want me to argue with you??

kyle: No, I don’t! …But maybe you should check the last fact I talked about, now that I think about it, the source doesn’t seem very reliable.

cartman: ???????

kyle that actually tries to get along with cartman’s kids and suddenly feels extremely nostalgic because they act exactly like cartman in his childhood, and even if they are little monsters he still adores it, surprisingly for himself. meanwhile eric himself is trying his best to forget all those horrible things he did in his past because he feels so ashamed and now he absolutely refuses to admit that his kids might be pretty similar to how he was when he was ten.

one day kyle is watching kids playing in the front yard from the kitchen where cartman stands next to him and cooks them both a breakfast. they’re sitting in comforting silence, both still sleepy, with messy hair, wearing their pyjamas, and at one moment kyle sighs dreamily and mumbles something like “Wow, some things really don’t change, huh…”. eric just raises an eyebrow not quite understanding what that was about, so he says “Sorry?” and waits for elaboration. kyle chuckles and wordlessly nods in the kids direction. eric smiles, not even looking at them and says “Yeah, they’re such angels”, to which kyle only laughs and says “Dude, they’re more like little devils. I mean, they’re little copies of you in your childhood”. cartman immediately frowns and gets extremely defensive like “What the eff, Kyle, they’re not at all like I was. My kids would never be like that, I won’t let you disrespect them at my house”, and kyle just sits there with a smile looking at how kids outside are trying to burn an orange stuffed voodoo bear in a silly little green hat with a note “kyle” on him. cartman finally turns his head to see what they are up to, and then he barely holds laughter adding “Well, maybe there is just one similarity”.

@bloogers-boogers THANKS A LOT FOR YOUR HEADCANON I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT KYLES INTERACTION WITH THE KIDS

They're warming up to him

heyyyy !!! i saw a person asking me about my other sp otps (yep thats surprising but kyman is not my only pairing hehe) sooo ive done this

btw i absolutely can’t draw so i’m sorry for how ugly it may look

i also love stenny, clybe, bebe/red, steek, kytters, clenny and staig a lot!!!

also this kinda looks like a template so i’ll leave it here under the cut

and aww @bloogers-boogers thanks a lot for asking!!!!! also wanted to say that your choice of otps is sooooo great like rlly i dont see enough ppl liking ships like jimthan or kenman!! and our taste is a bit similar because YEPPP KYMAN CANDY AND JIMTHAN SHARING (almost) THE SAME DYNAMIC IS SO TRUE!!!

was thinkin' because of a tumblr post i saw

so i doodled a quick thing... i haven't rly thought through how i'd draw adult cartman in my style so take this with a grain of salt

@bloogers-boogers @hatsunevitu (this is a joke about Cartman’s dad for anyone that didn't get it)

@bloogers-boogers @hatsunevitu (this is a joke about Cartman’s dad for anyone that didn't get it)