Disordered Eating Cw - Blog Posts

My body is literally shutting down bc it needs food so badly, but that's the last thing I want to do, god help me

tw: ed mentioned

met my younger self for coffee today...

she said, "we're still not skinny?"

"we've got something so much better than that, love"

it sucks beyond belief, the tug of war her mind anxiously wages against her body absorbing anything that might remotely help her survive the day without feeling like she will pass out. the peanut butter was supposed to help settle her stomach, not plow across her thoughts like a divining rod of judgment deeming her too delicate to eat without her silhouette tattling and too unworthy of a source of fuel besides tab today. the thought alone makes her feel nauseous again, but another can of it is all she can reach for at school until dinner. just one more setback she has to muscle through, today - one more thing to make her stronger. she hopes. it better.

but the other shoe always drops.

                      ❝ thought i was by myself. ❞  chrissy makes quick work of grabbing toilet paper to make herself decent while contemplating the pros and cons of exiting the stall. had she really been so lost in miserable thought that she’d failed to sense an entire person walking in? hard to call this girl’s presence intrusion when there wasn’t a sign on the door. sorry, i’m puking my guts out, come back later! yeah, right. like that would ever fly. the passing concern is embarrassing enough.  ❝ i don’t need the nurse, it’s fine. my mom just...packed something past the expiration date. ❞  

disloyal knees shake when she stands to reach for the flush, sheltering in the clatter of porcelain and pipes for too-short moments. after that, all bets are off. chrissy inches closer to the stall door but stops with the tip of her nose nearly kissing it, her fingers wobbling over the cold metal latch. it’s a small, grounding mercy.  ❝ it wasn’t cafeteria food. just in case you wondered. ❞

june doesn't know who's in the other bathroom stall. she just knows that the girl is retching up a storm and it sounds absolutely awful. as she exits the stall and washes her hands, the vomiting continues from the stall with the mystery girl inside and she feels her skin crawl. something just doesn't seem right and, while june is not the type to normally care much, she can't help but to feel obligated, "hey, are you okay? do you need the nurse or somethin'?"

@greenscrunchy liked.

𝔻𝔼𝔸ℝ   𝔻𝔸𝔽𝔽𝕆𝔻𝕀𝕃   𝔽𝕆𝔾𝔼𝕃,                                 (fogels​)

*      𝘩𝑜𝑤  𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑒𝑛  𝑤𝑎𝑠  𝑚𝑦  𝑣𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑦    /        @greenscrunchy​​   ,                  —                     𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾   𝖺𝗋𝖾   𝗍𝗐𝗈   𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗌   𝗍𝗈   𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒   𝖿𝖺𝖼𝖾  .      

𝚂𝙷𝙴'𝚂  𝙳𝙾𝙸𝙽𝙶  𝚃𝙷𝙴  𝙱𝙴𝚂𝚃  𝚂𝙷𝙴  𝙲𝙰𝙽  𝚃𝙾  𝙼𝙰𝙺𝙴  𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂  𝙵𝙴𝙴𝙻  𝙻𝙴𝚂𝚂  𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴  𝙱𝙰𝙱𝚈𝚂𝙸𝚃𝚃𝙸𝙽𝙶  .     shackled  to  a  stranger  with  a  walkman  threateningly  waved  in  your  face  should  you  blink  a  tad  too  long  .   daffodil  knows  she  wouldn’t  be  chrissy’s  first  choice to  spend  time  with  .

or  maybe  she  would  be  .   it  turns  out  the  little  high - flyer  has  a  precious smile  and  a  laugh  like  lemon  squares  :   good  .  

❝         𝑦𝑒𝑎𝘩  ,   𝑎𝑛𝑑  𝑏𝑜𝑡𝘩  𝑜𝑓  𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠  𝑎𝑟𝑒  𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑦  ,         ❞        daffodil  smiles  at  her  ,   nodding  towards  the  strawberry  ice  cream  generously portioned  into  chrissy’s  bowl  .          ❝         ah  !   come  on  ,   that’s  part  of  the  healing  process ,  too  .         ❞

the uneasy twisting in chrissy’s stomach has made its way to her hands, where chipped varnish-laden nails dig into soft vinyl daisy print. a kind of tablecloth pattern ripped from a field swaying in the wind somewhere. so bright and cheerful to match the pink ice cream gradually beginning a melting slump front of her face. this doesn’t feel fair. (she’s thought that once or twice this week and wondered why every time. what did she do to deserve this? what didn’t she do?)

                                    ❝ you’re being very patient with me. you don’t have to be. ❞  it’s natural as anything to hedge. easy to distract from the swimming bowl of temptation, shiny spoon lure sticking out and chrissy is a little fish who’d like to know what’s truly good for her for once. daf is kind but not easily misled; there might not be any getting out of this one. best to dive in and think about consequences later. …..maybe she’ll think more sharply with a little sugar in her system. there’s dairy too – so, protein! yes, yes, if she thinks hard enough she can write off all the sweet danger the ice cream is masking under strawberry swirls. 

then again, hasn’t her entire rubric for danger been rewritten over the past several days? you know what? screw it. for now. what’s good for her might actually be to take the kindness daf is offering so freely, imposition or not. 

                                     ❝ i’d like if it was that way, though i’m not sure wanting to snap when i’m nervous is very pretty. ❞  speaking around a spoon is absolutely abhorrent manners, she knows, but talking helps distract from the guilt. one spoonful at a time.  ❝ you seem to be taking the whole….monster thing in stride. that’s amazing. ❞

Hello lovelies. 💕

So I thought I'd take you down my mental health decline. Since i can't exactly tell my friends about it much. So- story timeeeeee.

But basically when I was 5-6 my dad started getting restrictive with food because no man wants a fat wife. And he would yell all the time and be mean so I sought comfort in food,but felt really guilty about eating anything. Especially since I'd sneak into the kitchen at night to have a snack,I stopped when he threatened to lock the kitchen up. I got caught up in binging from a young age,it wasn't I'm full, it was the comfort I craved. Like it was saying everything would be okay...but then the second I realised I swallowed it all and it was inside me it felt like the world could eat me alive.

Gradually I gained weight, everyone noticed... everyone said something. But everything stung when it came from my dad,I wanted his validation. He wanted perfection. Turning me into a perfectionist at the tender age of 6,I couldn't look at my body for too long always making sure I didn't look terrible. I guess you could say that's when the body dysmorphia began, I have an older sister who's naturally petite so that was the goal/standard. Just like her I needed to get good grades,be skinny,be quiet, be respectful. Know my place. It's only then that I could earn even the slightest bit of his love.

He kept fighting with my mom,so I ate,and ate and ate my stomach hurt not just because I was full but because It hurt to continue but I wanted to feel at ease.

At 7 in the first grade I was bullied,I was normal weight then they call me a fat oily cookie basically,too dark, fatty,piggy and well other cruel names. I had only one friend but she was a social butterfly while I was shy and quiet. She spent time with others while I ate lunch in the bathroom,I didn't want them to watch me eat. I felt humiliated. The few times I sat with people the

"are you gonna finish that?"

"look at piggy go"

"Ew with how big she is you'd think she'd slow down"

The comments came in from ages 7- from boys mostly,I cried and told my mom I didn't have friends and I was getting bullied. She told my dad and he went to the school and well that didn't help it got worse as I got slightly outcasted as a snitch/and a good two shoes that couldn't take a joke.

At 3rd grade I finally made a friend's,they were all skinny..and pretty I tried my best to fit in. Every adult around me kept mentioning I should lose weight, join spots etc. It really didn't help much with my confidence not that I had any to begin with,I was jealous of my friends. I just really...really wanted to be pretty yk?

At age 9 it got worse,I was already heavy and my sister would make me go on runs while chasing me with a stick so I could lose weight. But equally that's when the depression started settling in,I knew something was off persay because I wasn't happy. But I felt like I had to be happy for the sake of my mom and my friends. I didn't understand what was wrong with me,why was I so...sad. so I dived into food once more,it was my friend. I think that's also around the time when the first voice in my head started. It's rather strange hearing voices at such a young age, especially when one was telling me to kill myself and to keep eating because that's all I know how to do. When I was sad all I'd hear think about is food. In school the bullying became worse when to kids who didn't even know the term I suppose I became their "I don't wanna be like her" I wasn't pretty enough for anyone. I was fat. That's all they saw me as. At age 11 my friend told me about ditching a lunch box and instead taking money and buying food at school. So,I stopped taking food to school and instead I saved the money and didn't eat. I was never a "breakfast" girl it makes me nauseous, I wasn't having lunch. So everyday after school I'd eat dinner. My one meal a day but it was full lol making sure I ate for every second I missed out on.

My thoughts since I was 5 was good this and food that. My dad looked at me in disgust always telling me to lose weight because that's what men preferred. At age 12 I got a phone and searched up ways to lose weight,the bullying got really bad to say the least and I was getting desperate. Especially once I got a crush on a guy and he said

"why would I date or even like someone that big,I'm not into whales"

It broke my heart. I wanted to be pretty for him, I've always had fixations with certain foods but once again I found myself binging I couldn't control not eating my feelings. I tried the normal way working out and what not but it didn't work.

My sister would tease me saying I'd always be fat. For everyone it was harmless jabs but to me-...it was pent up frustration and the need to be..better to be perfect.

When I hit 13-14- my mom bought a scale. I was set,a work out routine and I found out about calories. I read about a guy offering to assist one with losing weight but the methods were questionable, but that didn't matter as long as I'd get skinny. That's when the second voice started,you need to be smaller- you need to be skinny no one will love you when you're so fat.

And it's all I would think about on a daily, I'd see my friends being skinny and I'd go home just to pinch my stomach,that's when I realised that I hate myself. I couldn't look in the mirror anymore without pure disgust. I came across a Wattpad book that offered tips on weightloss but extreme methods and they didn't seem too bad,the first time I went on a fast. I felt powerful,like I was in control for the first time,my emotions weren't leading me. I liked that feeling.

Then covid hit when when I was 14-15- and I found myself attracted to not eating at all. The idea of perfection ruled my life when every single second I thought about food. Things were getting bad with my dad and I wasn't coping, I started self harming in order to either get numb or just feel something.

Drink a cup of water every hour or 2-3 liters of water a day

I would unintentionally starve and I'd feel really..really good about it. Then I got on the scale and watching the numbers go down was euphoric, especially when my parents started noticing the weight loss they were..proud of me.

I wanted more,I made a calorie intake schedule basically Lol and it was 2000 - 3000 calories for 4 weeks. Nothing higher than 500 calories was allowed. I'd hear the rules in my mind almost like a game,if I did well I'd feel good and get praise,if I did bad I'd self harm.

Work out for an hour twice a day.

Eat before 5 pm

Dry fast from 8am until 3pm

I'd work out without water sometimes - because water is earned, it's a privilege. At 3pm I'd drink water in one sitting. Then I'd have foods that were allowed.

I called it the 💕 Perfection plan 💕

I started losing and fast, and I felt so good too. The voice in my head made feel good convincing me I was going great. But then the fighting started again and I'd have binge days, I got on Kik with other girls who introduced me to ana and eating disorders, and I told myself I don't have one I'm just losing weight. I'm different because I can stop whenever I want, I'm in control.

Things got harder at home with my dad and I found a coach I was 15 and he was 28ish,he offered to help me. Granted I knew better after multiple failed scams, he didn't want nudes,he just loves skinny girls and he took pleasure in knowing he helped them get there. He told me to carve his name into my thigh to prove my dedication, and he introduced me to purging. I didn't like it at first but I was desperate to lose more. He controlled what I ate,how long I worked out and what I did. I lost a good 10kg within a month or a month and a few weeks.

I got good at starving,my parents congratulated me. They celebrated me. Finally I was worth something.

But then shit hit the fan again, I lost touch with the coach and started binging I gained it all back. But I got addicted to purging,it didn't matter if I ate as long as it made its way out right?

After every meal,like clockwork I'd hear it.

"you ate too much,take it out"

And so I did. I cried because I couldn't stop the cycle,I didn't know how to fix myself. I wanted to fix me. My sister got me a gym membership but I get panic attacks going outside,the thought of being watched haunted me so I never used it.

I got sent to a psychiatrist after they found out I was self harming who diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. I didn't think mentioning my small Obsession with being perfect.

"she's a danger to herself and if you aren't careful you'll lose her"

The second I got the diagnosis I didn't feel relieved, I knew I had depression but it's him confirming it that just made it so...real. Almost like he was confirming my own worrys. That there was something actually wrong with me. My dad would call me useless and lazy and ungrateful why would I want to kill myself when I had a roof over my head?

My dad cried and told me he was a bad parent and maybe he should just kill himself if I was that miserable. They made sure I left the house in long sleeves because showing my scars brought shame to the family.

My need for control has always been there in small things such as cleaning a certain way,placing things in certain places, organising stuff was a heaven. I got treatment for depression but I couldn't mention anything else because my dad was in the room with us,how do I mention I have little interest in food when I'm overweight. How do I mention that my entire existence disgusts me- that I only eat out of obligation like it's a chore. That I need that control so I don't spiral.

I went a few times and just when I got comfortable in telling my doctor everything,a sense of security my dad pulled me from therapy saying to get over the phase.

My meds taken away which sent me into a deep depression being abruptly pulled off meds. At 16 I kept trying to lose weight but it would always come back I was almost there,but the binging came back all at once. I got bullied again, walking with my "guy best friend"...they called us beauty and the beast...he was beauty and I was the beast...or they'd call me Fiona from Shrek.

I got back into starving,the urge to be perfect consuming my everyday thoughts but I'd always turn to food yk. I didn't want it,I probably needed a hug but stuffing my face would do. When I turned 17 I thought damn...what's the point of trying if I'm gonna gain anyway. I gained once again getting to my highest weight 243,8 lbs.

I got really sick at 18 and was sent to a "camp" - for 7 months and I lost weight again getting to my lowest weight of 176,3 lbs. And I felt really good. My boy best friend ended up hurting me and I found out my lifes been a lie at 19 after failing my last year of highschool I went back to food. Because why was I trying to please someone that didn't care.

I'm 20 now. I know something is definitely wrong with me aside from depression. Do I have an eating disorder? I don't think I do, perhaps the denial is lovely enough to make me think what I'm doing to myself is normal. I don't like eating not just because of the guilt, but the way my head gets so loud when I do.

Me and my boyfriend just broke up and well it kinda wrecked me,maybe just maybe if I was skinny he'd want me.. maybe then he'd fight for me. I've hit a decline recently and Honestly I feel good about it. I never wanted recovery, because I didn't think I needed it. I'm not sick enough to complain. Call it delusional but it doesn't feel like I could have an ed being this big. But that's only referring to me not anyone else,so I'll basically be making this account my entire journey into turmoil. Like a YouTube channel lol but with words. I'm aware perfection doesn't exist but to me it does.

My stats are as follows.

Height weight- 5'5/ 164'7 cm

Highest weight - 243.8 lbs

Current weight- 218.2 lbs

Lowest weight- 176.3 lbs

Goal weight - 100lbs

I posted my goals list already. 🌸 this time I won't stop. I will be good enough even if it kills me. ♡ My 21st has to be perfect. I have to be perfect. And I will be.

i love my boyfriend but I can't stand the thought of being perceived or seen currently. I deleted the photos I sent him last night this morning cause I couldn't stand it.

is it safe to take like.. 8 year old dietary pills you found in a drawer? they've never been opened before and im considering it..

also, they're huge. wtf.

why do i ruin all of my progress.

i’m so proud of myself for the first time in forever omg

i’m eating >1000 cals per day naturally with no restriction?? who even am i 😻

i sometimes just put off eating for a while then end up forgetting omg

i prayed for times like these 🙏

idk what’s going on but IM DATING MY CRUSH?? and idk how but that’s progressively making me eat less bc when i’m with him at lunch and in class i don’t wanna eat around him 😻

i love this sm i’m getting skinner for him so he loves me more

i just tried on THE cutest outfit and i want to wear it so bad but i’m too fat!!

(the top is from brandy and it’s getting tight around my arms kms)

so new motiv bc it’s literally giving lana del rey summer in the best way and SOMEBODYS too fat to wear it.

sigh i think i’m gonna try omad this week

hey guys sorry i was gone for a bit

update time! + venting so tw?

so basically i starved and now i’m back binging and i hate myself! there’s also outside factors i’m not rlly gonna mention affecting me rn but life is jst taking a toll on me

my only comfort is either not eating at all or eating my whole house. ITS FUCKING APRIL AND IM NOT SKINNY..

i don’t think i can bring myself to step on the scale but yeah..

lil update ig thanks for hearing me rant - i hope you’ve had a great day 🩷

doing omad tmrw bc easter messed me up sooo bad oml.

but hey happy easter for those who also celebrate and know that jesus loves u 🫶

WAR IS OVER.

(i’m finally out of my binge cycle and starving again)

i hate feeling full, i want to feel empty forever

i just want to look as sick as i feel.

the brain fog is hitting hard rn but ik it’s worth itt

WHY IS MY COPING MECHANISIM BINGING SOMEONE TELL ME TO NOT EAT PLEASE.

i hate bday parties like why does there have to be cake stop making me wanna binge on it..

new fav motivation rn are these gorgeous tattoos bc they’d only look good on me if i was skinny

like hello??? the hip bone one is so ugh 😩

being short and 120 pounds is not for the weak id acc be so hot if i was taller but no 💔

spring break is here so i can finally do omad for a week thank the lorddd

my greatest motivation rn is literally me in a bikini bc wtf i am NOT looking like that this summer..

some spo i like

if i’m not thin by my summer vacay can someone js kill me

so exited for spring break bc then i can starve in peace instead of stupid school hunger and calories

upping my cals to 1.2k (yes ik i need to be lower) bc i need to stop binging hopefully this starts working 🙏

can someone give me the most horrible m3anspo ever bc i would really appreciate it 🙏

anyone know how to get back into ur honeymoon phase i cant stop binging…

this post contains a pretty sensitive topic so just be cautious . i will tag this accordingly . if you have any suggested tags please tell me so i don't miss anything!!

(i am not a medical professional, i am just deeply invested in researching psychology. i apologize if any of this is inaccurate, or missing information.)

-----

okay so i just went down a strange and disturbing tumblr rabbit hole of people like,,. encouraging starvation? and like? saying "you don't need to eat food it's a want not a need" and also just,, glorifying eating disorders? even sexualizing them,. ;w; the internet can be scary,,.

it's even more disturbing that this kind of content is mainly aimed towards kids/ teens /preteens ,, like,,. that's not okay to encourage

just remember that like. yes you do need to eat. if you don't you will quite literally die? it's essential to life,.

ALSO!! **it's okay to go on diets!! just remember to eat enough food an stay healthy :3***

but,. just doing it bc ur insecure or dysmorphic isn't good for you. it can be physically damaging and exhausting mentally too,.

i know i can't like,, magically stop people from having eating disorders. i am aware of the complexities.

if you're currently experiencing this i'm sure that you've probably heard people tell this to you and that you know this already,. but in case if you haven't, that's why i'm saying it. or, if you're planning on doing it or feeling pressured. it's not a good thing to get into,.,,,

and if ur struggling with this just know ur loved <3 yall r awesome ^^