Chaotic Academia - Blog Posts

Suffering from burnout while working on an essay about burnout is the type of dramatic irony I want in my life.

Completed Chapter 3! My heart isn't ready for what's coming 💀

I am finding so many little details about Henry's personality!

Conclusion: bitch is crazy 😧

I hope I complete the re-read anyhow in June, cuz Pride Month y'all, this book is so gay 🌈

Read from page 90 to 112 ☠️

I wish I could read for longer but my habit is dying away~~~

There are so many details in this one book that it makes complete sense why Donna Tartt took a decade to write it

I can analyse it for a decade and still not understand everything and know every detail 😭😭😭😭

Finally started my TSH re-read after a lot of procrastination!

I read until page 90, I was also taking running notes and making small annotations so it took more time than usual

I didn't want to forget any details I wanted to highlight for when I start the essay

Here are some notes I made while reading (only about Henry)

I find Henry hilarious for some reason while the entire time I was making observations on him

He's so dumb in a smart way! 😭

My exams are going to be OVER tomorrow. Gonna finally start on the essays!

Since Henry won, "The Obsession With Morally Grey" will be done in a few weeks after the re-read!

Just felt like I haven't re-read TSH in a while. So I wondered if I could write a full blown essay (not really, more like a brief analysis) on the characters from TSH.

I might not even end up writing them but I would like to know which characters people are most interested in learning in-depth about.

There's so much to say about this story that no one can ever stop analysing it. If Donna took 10 years to complete it, there must be so much we can discuss about it!!!

I will try to write a detailed analysis when I have the time to re-read TSH (studying for exams, writing a book and reading "The Bell Jar" and "Pet Sematary" for the 1st time lol)

I hope this will inspire people to make more post abt TSH theories/analysis/thoughts (been tired with the regular mood boards and quotes)

(PS: "Looking Through The Male Gaze" for Camilla is about Richard's gaze, not Donna Tartt's)

Just felt like I haven't re-read TSH in a while. So I wondered if I could write a full blown essay (not really, more like a brief analysis) on the characters from TSH.

I might not even end up writing them but I would like to know which characters people are most interested in learning in-depth about.

There's so much to say about this story that no one can ever stop analysing it. If Donna took 10 years to complete it, there must be so much we can discuss about it!!!

I will try to write a detailed analysis when I have the time to re-read TSH (studying for exams, writing a book and reading "The Bell Jar" and "Pet Sematary" for the 1st time lol)

I hope this will inspire people to make more post abt TSH theories/analysis/thoughts (been tired with the regular mood boards and quotes)

(PS: "Looking Through The Male Gaze" for Camilla is about Richard's gaze, not Donna Tartt's)

Henry: We have a problem.

Charles: Let me guess, you caused it?

Francis: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet.

Richard: And it's another Tuesday, your point?

Bunny: Would shooting you solve this problem ? No ? Then shut up.

Camilla: If you mean the murder, that's our solution to last week's problem.

Bunny: what do you mean by murder? You killed someone?

Henry, looks at the others: guys we have another problem

Donna Tart: *writes a book about how bad romanticism and obsession is*

Me: *romanticises and obsesses over that book*

Bunny: we are like a big happy family! And I am the dad, and Henry's the mom!

Henry, massaging his temples: why am I the mom? What gender roles are we pushing here?

Francis: I know they are probably thinking I am the son, but I am not. I will be the gay emo cousin.

Richard: I'll be the son, that hotshot whose only dream is to be a ✨ star ✨

Charles: I feel like I will be a fresh out of jail uncle

Camilla: and I am the sassy aunt who talks shit about everyone~

Henry: We're kind of missing something guys.

Richard: Cohesion?

Camilla: Teamwork?

Charles: A general sense of what we're doing?

Francis: And Bunny is not here.

Richard: Oh, and that, yeah.

Everyone: *five minutes of silence*

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*

Bunny: I will not let you down.

Richard: Sounds fun.

Camilla: K.

Francis: No, I'm fucking not.

Charles: Do I have to be?

Henry: Please god, I am so tired.

TSH New Years headcanon (after the epilogue)

Richard's POV

By the time Camilla and I arrived at the balcony of his house; Francis as expected was already lounging on the sofa, with a glass of red wine in his hand and looking at the dark sky twinkling with stars.

He barely acknowledged us as we sat down opposite each other, Camilla put down the box of Macrons she had bought as a gift and I opened the bottle of champagne I had bought.

Without a glance he shook his now empty glass towards me and made me pour some for him first.

"Do you not feel cold? Shouldn't you at least put a sweater on?" Camilla asked him in a concerned tone

"I was trying to die from frost bite" Francis chuckled, "I was joking" he added to me when I raised an eyebrow.

"It's ten minutes till twelve" I looked at my watch "what plan do you have for new years?"

"I have stopped caring about plans since the time Henry ended up dying"

Camilla and I exchanged looks, her lips twitched and she avoided eye-contact with me. Perhaps she too felt the same emptiness Francis seemed to be feeling. After all before I met them, they already celebrated New Years together with the others. But this year too Charles, Henry and Bunny were gone.

"How is Charles?" I asked Camilla, not really expecting an answer

She shrugged "I have no idea. He sent back the Christmas card I sent him. But he did take the money I left it in"

"Of course he did" Barked Francis, he sat up straighter to look us in the eyes for the first time

"And Julian? Do you know where he is?" I asked Francis this time, ounce again not expecting any answer

"Who the fuck cares about him now? I don't. He is probably in some private college, trying to recreate another Greek tradegy"

"I heard he is doing a world tour" Camilla said "He is currently in the Caribbean"

"I hope he dies there" Francis said bitterly

After Julian ditched our side when we needed him, we had stopped caring about him like he did to us. I did keep up with his news, despite his deeds he was still quite fascinating to me.

"do you remember the first class you had with Julian?" Francis asked me

"yes, I do" I could never forget that first class, no matter what

"What was the question Julian asked at the end of the class?"

"And if beauty is terror" I said slowly remembering the exact words "then what is desire? We think we have many desires, but in fact we have only one. What is it?"

"To live," said Camilla

She was perched up on the sofa with a shawl covering her head; her nose and cheeks pink with cold.

"To live forever" corrected Francis "such an ironic thing for Bunny to say, isn't it?"

He then poured the three of us more champagne.

"Here's to the New Year" he said more brightly, raising a toast "To live forever"

"To live forever" repeated Camilla and I, as we clicked the glasses together, the fireworks started.

Another year went by and we remained stuck in the past. This year, we will move on. That was my new year's resolution.

(I wish I could write better 🫠. But here's to a new year "To live forever")

After Bunny's death: Richard decides to say his internal monologue aloud (this is not a passage from the book)

Richard: "The view of the red blood mixing in with the soil shows how one's sins taint the purity of life. Bunny falls to his death in the beautiful light of the dusk, as his friends are celebrating one day well spent, he lays in between rocks and the broken bottle of wine, to show the morbid display of the youth of today. What a great life he could have had if not to commit treason against the people who trusted him. And what irony is it that he is pushed to his death by the same people who he had spent hours beside as a friend. That is the biggest truth of life, for its unpredictability is what makes life far more terrifying than death itself. The soil has become red with Bunny's blood; the wind blows, snow has started to fall to bury the remains of one cheery, smiling boy. What a beautiful sight it is to see someone die in front of you, it shows how aesthetics remain even in death"

Camilla, Charles and Francis: What the fuck Richard? 😶😶😶

Henry: *gives an approving nod* that is exactly what I was thinking, you took words from my mouth.

(PS: Richard's unhinged monologues give me life every time I read TSH. Also I believe Richard and Henry have a spiritual connection)

Henry : Christmas lights?

Bunny: Check.

Richard : Thermos of hot cocoa?

Bunny: Check.

Charles : Santa suits?

Bunny: Check.

Francis : Shovel?

Bunny: Check.

Camilla: Alibi and bail money?

Bunny: Check - wait, WHAT?!

More Incorrect quotes (TSH edition)

Charles: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand.

Bunny: I photosynthesize with this.

Bunny: Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend?

Henry: Generic excuse.

Bunny: I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face.

Henry: I can.

Richard: Hey, Francis, where are you going?

Francis: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell.

Francis: But right now I’m going to Starbucks.

Charles, teaching Camilla to drive: Okay, you're driving, Bunny and Henry walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?

Camilla: Oh, definitely Bunny. I could never hurt Henry .

Charles, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

Henry: Richard, you'll be working with Francis and Camilla.

Richard: Alright! My fantasy threesome!

Everyone else: *blank stares*

Richard: ...Of people on a team.

Camilla: If I fall…

Charles: I’ll be there to catch you.

Francis: *looks at Richard* What if I fall?

Richard: Then I’ll fall with you, never leaving your side.

Bunny : *watches these two interactions*

Bunny, to Henry: And if I fall?

Henry: I’ll be the one who pushed you.

TSH Holiday season Headcanons (adjusted timeline):

Bunny dressed up as Santa and gave Francis, Henry, Charles and Camilla handcuffs (Richard wondered what exactly was it's purpose, kinky or metaphorical)

Camilla and Henry baked a Rum and Champagne flavoured cake

Richard dug snow for two hours in front of Dr. Roland's office and tricked him into getting 1k for it. (He then spent all of it in expensive gifts for the other four and Julian)

Francis watched old movies while drinking and smoking from dawn to dusk

Charles and Camilla made a snowman outside their house

Bunny and Henry had a fun (& angry) snowball fight

Camilla and Richard went to the Christmas market to buy goodies

Judy Poovey gave Richard a nice suit for the party and let him keep it (Judy! Bless her!)

Richard dropped by Francis's and had a lunch consisting of only drinking (and a Maraschino cherry or two)

Henry gave Richard his old books as a gift ("I am sorry I didn't have time to buy something better" "Henry....these are first edition copies! Isn't this enough?" "But it's second handed" "FIRST EDITION COPIES!")

Julian threw a big party for the class and invited his famous friends to it (Richard was wrecked when some Californians asked him about his dad's oil business)

Bunny kept asking Richard why his gifts were so "cheap". Henry and Francis were burning with rage

Henry doesn't like the holiday season but obliged to go to only Julian's party

Charles got wasted and slept in Julian's bathroom (you know how mad Henry would be at him for that)

Bunny took a lot of pictures of Charles in a bathtub wearing a Santa hat for their New Year's greeting crads

Francis and Camilla went home together to watch Christmas movies

Bunny and Richard carried Charles home (Henry was apologising to Julian, who thought passing out drunk is the holiday spirit)

Then all of the gang played charades together (Camilla won, Francis was second, Bunny and Richard were okay and Henry lost by a landslide. Charles was sleeping on the couch humming "Jingle bells")

Camilla Macaulay: the twist villain that never was.

(ps: this is just a headcanon and personal opinion, nothing serious!)

Out of all the characters in TSH, Camilla to me seemed the most enigmatic, more than even Henry Winter. There's something about her that I cannot understand. I couldn't trust her when I was reading TSH for the first time, I thought she was going to be the mastermind behind it all.

Why? Isn't Camilla the nicest of all of them? So was Charles, and look at what happened to him. The twins gave me the ick a lot of the times, especially during re-reads where I could see the early hints of the incest reveal and the abuse. It could have been completely believable, if Camilla, behind the scenes was the one causing the drama all along.

1. Richard's rose coloured lens: since the story is told from his point of view, it's understandable if he decided to leave some details, changed the story or was oblivious to some things he didn't want to remember or think about. He had the most bias for Camilla, she was his crush. And we often look at our crushes with rose tinted glasses and often hide their flaws and mistakes. Richard shows bias towards the Greek class even before he was in it and his infatuation with Camilla could be the reason why we don't get any bad details about her throughout the story.

2. Motives: while Bunny did get murdered for blackmailing and trying to betray the Greek class. Only Camilla had other motives to cause distress among the others. Particularly, Charles. We know he was extremely possessive with her and has caused her emotional and physical abuse (there's background info we get at times about the twins having broken objects in the house and other times where Charles is possessive of Camilla). I don't think she truly loves Henry, it's more that being with him gives her the protection and safety she needs. She has shown some kind of liking to Francis, they seem good friends and have kissed two times (I call it gay solidarity). She plays with Richard's heart a lot, kissing him when no one is looking and making him think he has a chance when he clearly doesn't. Camilla is overshadowed by the guys in her friend group; getting the "only girl treatment". Bunny is always trying to get under her nerves and is misogynistic towards her. Charles is controlling and abusive (her own brother). Henry is cold and sociopathic, as well as someone you can't trust ("I call it redistribution of matter"). Richard is a simp. Francis is there.

3. What could have happened: Camilla, tired of the way her life is tied to Charles, Henry and Richard and their feelings towards her forcing her into a corner with no choice of her own. As well as, mentally scared from the murder of the farmer, decides to end all of the misfortunes in her life. Instead of Henry making the plans, it's Camilla in this version of the story that decides to kill Bunny both to get rid of him from her life as well as to hide the first murder. But she does this from the shadows. And the person that discovers her plan is Francis, since they have a relatively good relationship, it's possible he wouldn't spill her plans and stay quiet. She gaslights Henry into believing he ended up killing Bunny (let's say he went through with the poisonous mushrooms but instead Camilla gave Bunny actual posion)

When Charles goes into his villain arc, Camilla uses Henry as a shield to keep him away. And in the final scene, instead of Henry shooting himself, Charles ends up shooting him and Camilla shoots Charles as an act of revenge. She then threatens Richard that if he says a word about this (both Bunny and Charles's murder) then he would die too, she does that to seal her secret; she knows Richard has a big mouth and might betray her and spares Francis, since he already knew and is trustable. Camilla cleans her fingerprints from the gun and puts it in Charles's hand in order to frame it as a murder-suicide. Camilla attends their funerals and gives an alibi in front of the police that her, Richard and Francis were in the country house during the murder-suicide and then testified that Charles and Henry were the ones who were involved in the two murders and were holding them hostage with that information, clearing the three of them from the murders. Then she finally leaves for a better life. (Maybe the epilogue would be about Francis telling Richard about Camilla's behind-the-scenes story, showcasing the aftermath and what they are doing in the present)

4. Character arc: making Camilla crucial to the plot and a twist villain would give so much to her character. Her mysterious nature, absence from the main plot and lack of impact at the start of the story could be explained by her secretly planning their downfalls and her escape. Instead of her being the object of affection for the three guys and being the typical "girl that ruins the friendships between guy friends", she is the hidden mastermind with her own motives, personality and story. She was the only one who didn't change in the second part. But in this version of the story, she is the one who drives it's entire narrative.

Let her be manipulative, a liar, a gaslighter. Let her show the wrath of female rage.

When the twins were introduced in white clothing, looking like angels. Maybe they were wolves in sheep's clothing. Both of the twins. Not just Charles but Camilla too. They were creepy, eerie, and strange. They hid their true personalities behind southern hospitality and beautiful features.

"Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it"

After all, the best characters are the grey ones.

As the winter approaches I think back to the time Richard Papen tried to stay without a heater or proper roof at the hippie's house during the cold winter of Vermont.

If that isn't peak Californian behaviour, I don't know what is.

Also, the irony of Richard being saved by Henry WINTER is so funny.

Henry was so nice to him during this time because he was trying to indoctrinate Richard into their group further, before revealing the murder they all did and getting him in their side instead of Bunny's. Although my heart wants it to be a genuine friendship between the two. Richard was never truly friends with them, at the least not with Henry. He was used by Henry again and again, whether it be doing small chores, keeping secrets, trying to frame Richard with the poisonous mushrooms and so on.

Richard was fucked the moment he stumbled upon the twins, Bunny and Henry in the library.

How much do you think Richard lied about the story?

Because I think he was lying about a LOT of stuff. I do not trust words that come from this man. He is sus.

Since he is talking about the past, it could all be misunderstandings and blurry memories (he was high half of the time) Or it could be just lies.

My favourite headcanon is that Richard was writing a book about his college life. He is a bit delusional and grandiose so when he went to college, he expected to have this main character vibe going on. But his college life was as normal as any of ours and he was disappointed. So, he tried to live vicariously through a book, which he wrote as an "autobiography" (he literally starts the book with "this is a story of my follies"). Richard is telling us, the reader, "his" story. He is acknowledging it as a "real" story. But that too is a lie. Richard made it all up. All the characters were written by him.

That's why Camilla was portrayed as an angel, she is the heroine, his damsel in distress, love interest. Henry was the mythical Jay Gatsby to Richard's Nick Carraway. Henry was someone he could obsess over and idolise. Francis is the gay one, he is another 'kind of' love interest, he is always making passes at Richard, he is snarky and a bit grumpy, that's his entire character. Charles is the mean villain, he is abusing Camilla and committing incest, his existence makes all of them appear better than they are. Bunny was homophobic to a degree that didn't make any sense, he was in a fucking Greek class and was friends with all these people with major gay vibes, what did he expect? If Bunny was sympathetic, we wouldn't have accepted the murder so quickly. And Julian is Julian, he is so out of reach and ethereal; depicted as a type of teacher we would love to have, the story's John Keating.

Now when we come to the ending. The only one who gets to live a "normal" life and has any success (at least graduating college) was Richard. Yeah, Camilla turned him down and all but, he doesn't seem that mad about it (he admitted he loved Henry too, which gives major Nick Carraway vibes) He doesn't really face any consequences of what they all did (he is an accomplice to murder after all)

Camilla is traumatised, she is still in love with Henry and he fucking died in front of her. Her relationship with Charles is ruined and that would be traumatising as well.

Francis is forced to stay in the closet with no choice in the person he dates. And he almost dies of a suicide because of that. He is done with life.

Charles tried rehab but then ran away with a woman in her 30s that was married. His life is a complete mess and he has no contact with his old friends or sister.

Henry commited suicide and Bunny was murdered by his own friends.

Out of all these situations, Richard was the lucky one. He still has ties to Camilla and Francis and they still are kind of friends. He graduated and got a job. He dates one of the most popular girls at college and moves in with her for some time. He is doing something in his life.

In the end, Richard got the best of all of them. Maybe because that's just his real life. He doesn't have a crazy backstory. He doesn't have a huge personality. He doesn't have many connections to these characters. He gets the best ending. He is always the outsider. He is the narrator. He is a liar. He is a storyteller.

It's Richard's world, we are all just living in it.

(I know this theory is not at all true. Donna Tartt was not going for it to be like this. But I find the idea of Richard faking the entire book for his own entertainment and delusion, fascinating. And it's even plausible because of his personality)

Just imagine if TSH happened in the present day. The afterward would be just Richard going to his desk job with four hours of sleep and revealing he was writing an OC self-insert fanfiction about a modern Greek tragedy in AO3.

(okay, this turned out so funny. I get Richard, I want to escape from my boring life with writing too)

The summary of TSH:

Richard : Anyone d-

Camilla: Depressed?

Francis: Drained?

Charles : Dumb?

Henry: Disliked?

Richard : -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...?

Ps: I still cannot believe it all happened in one academic year

Richard : What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Camilla: 'Prettiest Smile'

Francis: 'Nicest Personality'

Charles : 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Henry: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

Bunny: *didn't make it to the end of the year*

"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"

~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.

Richard : There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Charles: Have everyone stand.

Camilla: Bring three more chairs!

Francis : The most important ones can sit down.

Bunny: Make them fight for the chairs!

Henry: Kill three.

Richard : Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?

Camilla: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.

Richard : Three of us saw it, Camilla. How do you explain that?

Camilla: *points at Francis* Sleep deprivation. *points at Charles* Paranoia. *points at Henry* Delusional personality disorder.

Sometimes I randomly remember Henry Winter didn't take the SATs for not being "aesthetically pleasing" and I wonder why I am studying in a field I am not interested in and wasting my life away; then it also hits me that Henry Winter was also rich as fuck and he can afford that.

Dark Academia is pretty in theory; it's too expensive for regular people. We can't go to exclusive colleges and do degrees in ancient languages and fine arts.

No wonder I read books to feed those desires I could never afford in real life.

Bunny: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Richard: Nope, absolutely not.

Camilla : I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Charles : I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Francis: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Henry: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

Bunny:....

Francis: Rules are made to be broken.

Henry: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Richard : Uh, piñatas.

Charles : Glow sticks.

Camilla: Karate boards.

Bunny: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Francis: Rules.

Henry:

Who wants to be the main character? I want to be the omniscient narrator of someone's story.

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.