Azul Ashengrotto - Blog Posts

HI GUYS LOOK!!!!!!!

MY SON IS HOME 🫶

he's got other plushie friends and a big sister!!

(here's a thread with more photos/that'll update)

[Octopus piercing - Jade Leech]

Summary: Hand slipping down from his cheek to his chin, you pull away to take in the whole picture. Jade, octopus piercing covering his whole ear, skin flushed a delightful shade of light pink, eyes looking at you the whole time, entranced. 

Notes: gn!reader, based on the early concept of punk Jade, in this household we like flustered Jade who's down bad while also being a tease, now I'm certain he had a punk phase at some point and still has the piercings!

"Oh? What's this?"

Your voice rings out in the otherwise silent room, being quickly replaced by the sound of clinking metal.

Jade turns his head around your direction, tilting it to the side in interest. If you had been looking at him, you might have noticed the ever so slight widening of his eyes as he realizes what you found (you always do, as attentive to his expressions as he is with yours), but alas, something else had caught your eye.

It's as if the air in his bedroom stilled and time had stopped for a moment as you lift up your hand to look closer at your finding. He watches attentively, wanting to drink in your reaction.

You don't disappoint (you never do). Your lips part as you let out a breath of amazement, your eyes shining as they reflect the light of the jewel. Something so simple managed to mesmerize you. Your fingers delicately, as if afraid they could break it, toy around it, spinning it from one side to the other, taking in the texture and the coldness.

Jade gets so deep in watching you he almost forgets his comeback. Almost.

"Prefect, you shouldn't mess with other people's things, it's not very polite."

You turn to him, making him feel exhiliration tickle down his spine from having your attention on him, your humorous smile directed at him and only him. 

"You didn't seem to share the sentiment a few months ago, huh?" You refer to the little... incident with Azul's contracts at the end of the year. It was all water under the bridge now, but you still liked to tease them about it.

"These were very different situations, wouldn't you say?" 

For emphasis, he lowers his voice and slides to the side you're seated on his bed, his leg touching yours and his face close enough you could count his eyelashes if you wanted to, but not enough for his nose to touch yours. 

There's a hitch in your breath, so quiet that if it was anyone else they would have missed it. Jade doesn't. His smile turns more genuine at the corners.

"No, I don't think so." 

Instead of trying to get away, you stay where you are, attracted like a moth to the flame. Your hand comes between your faces, putting the object of your fascination in display.

It was an octopus tentacle piercing, one that would curl around the top of the ear and pass through the earlobe. It was quite detailed, with all the suction cups carefully craved in silver.

"It's beautiful. I didn't know you had other earrings."

There it is, that curious look in your face, the one that promises to deliver endless entertainment. He decides to indulge you to see where you're heading with it, although he already has an inkling.

"That must be because I only use this one nowadays." He touches the signature scales earring he's using. "But there was a time I was still experimenting with my appearence. I suppose I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them."

"It's a bit hard to imagine you using anything other than this one, but..." Your gaze turns to the octopus earring, evaluating it, before sliding to his face again. Jade feels as if he was being examinated from the inside out, as if you could investigate his very soul from the intensity of your stare. "I think this one would look pretty good too."

"Shall we check?" 

His fingers do quick work of taking off the backing and pulling his current earring away from his ear, leaving it bare. He puts it on the nightstand and turns around, exposing his side to your ministrations.

You stare for a second, caught of guard. "May I?"

"Of course, go ahead."

You hesitate for a second longer, hearing him let out an amused huff of laughter, before your fingers approach him. You tuck the longer strand of black hair behind his ear to give you space to work. In the process, your warm hand brushes against it, making him shiver. 

Taking your time, you let your touch ghost his cold skin, captivated by such a rare chance to be so close to his space. You notice, for the first time, that there are more little holes alongside it, where other piercings might have been before. The image you conjure in your head is charming enough to make you smile.

The pad of your thumb strokes his earlobe before you insert the post and screw the back, holding it in place and sliding the cuff to hook it on his upper ear. 

Your hand stays in place as you admire your work, rubbing the helix absentmindedly. You hum, your other hand cupping his cheek to turn his head in your direction so you could see how it looked.

"Something's wrong?" You whisper, noticing how he feels warmer under your touch.

Jade's pupils look slightly blown when his eyes meets yours. "Go on." It comes out in a rushed breath. 

Humming once more, your smile widens. "As you wish." 

Hand slipping down from his cheek to his chin, you pull away to take in the whole picture. Jade, octopus piercing covering his whole ear, skin flushed a delightful shade of light pink, eyes looking at you the whole time, entranced. 

"What's the veredict?"

"I was right, you know. It does look good."

"Is that so?" There's something to his tone, something you can't quite name.

You turn his head around, enjoying the thrill you get when he complies and lets you do as you please.

"Actually, maybe I wasn't."

At this, he turns around by himself, a calculating look on his face, trying to guess what you where going to say. He catches up just before the words leave your mouth, but it doesn't make them any less enjoyable to say.

"It's more than good. You look lovely."

The sincerity in his answering laugh is elating.

"You flatter me, prefect. If this is the reaction I'll get, then I might change around my looks more often."

"There's more, right? I'd like to see them too!"

The pleased glint in Jade's expression turns into mischievousness as he pulls away from you, moving to get up.

"Perhaps another time. This would take time I can't afford without risking running late to my shift at Mostro."

"C'mon! Just one more!" You hold his arm before he can move out of your reach, looking through your lashes at his towering form. "Please?"

Sighing, he concedes. "If you insist so much, I suppose we could look at another one." You cheer, pulling him back to where he was, already looking through his other piercings in the drawer. "For a price, naturally."

You only deadpan at him, earning an amused chuckle.

"My, my, what's with that face? Can you say you weren't expecting it?"

"Of course I was, it is you after all. What will it be then?"

A sharp grin exposing his teeth blooms. Most would be scared by it, but the only thing passing through your mind is how this expression goes quite well with this new piercing.

"Not backing down? Very well. How about you participate in this week's Mountain Lovers Club meeting?"

"Deal." There's not even a moment to blink before you agree. Truly, you didn't mind going on his club meetings. In fact, they were very enjoyable most of the time, and if that would make him happy you could sacrifice a few hours from your day. Besides, you were having a lot of fun with your new discovery. "Now, how about this one?" 

You show him the piercing you chose, a little fish skeleton that looked cheaper than the other one. You thought it would look quite cute.

"This was a gift from Floyd, so I'm rather fond of it." You can tell it's true from his softer tone. "We have a deal, you can go ahead."

Letting you have full access to his ear once more, you explore the options where you could put this new piercing. Since the other one covered a good part of the available space, you decided to insert it on the helix, where they wouldn't clash.

You carefully hold it on one hand while your other supports his ear. It's almost reverent the way you insert it, treating it like it was a precious jewel, watching intently as it pierces the skin and appears on the other side, nimble fingers screwing it in place.

Like before, you take his chin between your thumb and index finger, taking in the sight of him. Your lips pout as you think, his eyes darting to stare at them as if in a trance before quickly glancing back to meet yours.

"If feels like there's something missing..." You mumble, thinking out loud. "Oh! Maybe if I just..."

Without further explanation, your free hand combs his hair backwards, messing with it enough to get a spiky look that could rival his twin's. The strand of black hair you had tucked behind his ear gets loose, only half of it staying in the place you left.

Thumb gently rubbing his skin, you push his face away. The messy hair alongside the piercings made him resemble a delinquent. If it wasn't for his awestruck expression, Jade would look quite intimidating. 

"There you go! You look great!"

A second passes where he just stares at you, as if taking this moment in and commiting it to memory, before there's a signature smile adorning his face.

"I trust you did a good job then."

"Nah, you already did before, I just tweaked with a few things here and there."

The amused huff of breath he lets out warms your fingertip. You feel your cheeks getting hotter. 

"I see. In this case, thank you for your assistance. Hopefully Azul will be able to appreciate this new look as much as you do."

Imagining Azul's reaction to his usual put together employee going to work with such a carefree look makes you chuckle.

"I have no doubt that he'll love it. Not as much as I do, but close enough."

"That's a relief, seeing as I have to go now in order to not get late." 

He gets up again and extends his hand to you. You take it, letting him help pulling you up to your feet, standing so close you're pressed against his chest. You can feel his hum resonate through it. Your arms embrace his torso to keep you balanced.

Before you can make a comment, his hand holds your chin, mirroring the position you were in minutes ago, while his other tousles your hair.

"I enjoyed our time together, it's truly too bad it had to be cut short. Let's meet up another time for you to look at the other piercings, yes? There are quite a lot of them, after all."

"I'd like that." You close your eyes to enjoy his touch, leaning into it.

"I'm sure you do." Jade's teasing actions turn softer as he starts to stroke your hair affectionately. "I'll look forward to our next meeting, prefect." 

His tone makes you open your eyes to peek at him. It sounds far too tender, far too sincere. His smile betrays nothing of his thoughts, but you know he said the truth. 

"Me too. Make sure to prepare a special activity for the club meeting since you'll have a special guest!"

"I'll do my best to keep you entertained, don't you worry. I'm sure you'll enjoy what I have planned."

"You sure know how to make someone curious." You tease, hoping he'd give you a hint at what he had planned, but no luck.

"I'm afraid you'll have to wait and see."

You sigh exaggeratedly. "That I'll do." 

"I promise it'll be worth the antecipation. Now, I truly must get going." 

Leaning down while his hand combs your hair backwards, his lips leave a fleeting touch on your forehead, an almost kiss that leaves you wanting more.

"Until we meet again, dear."

With that, he leaves the room in quick strides, leaving you alone to process what happened. Your hands shoot up to your forehead as you splutter, trying to get your thoughts in order. 

Just what was that?

Sighing, you decide you'll have to wait until the mountain lovers club meeting to confront him. It's shaping up to be quite an eventful day and you can feel your excitement bubbling up.

Jade sure knew how to keep someone on their toes.

Glancing one last time at the nightstand, the light catching on his scales earring laying there innocently, you leave to go to your dorm.

Your thoughts turn to the mental picture of Jade, flushed face and blown pupils, messy hair and piercings on his ear. Involuntarily, your lips shape into a giddy smile. 

There was a jewellery shop at the island's city, right? Maybe you'd take a look at which piercings they had next time you go run errands.

BONUS SCENE!

"Azul! Jade's here!" Floyd's excited giggle rings out in the otherwise silent office as he opens the door with a bang.

"Finally! I was starting to think he forgot about his shift..." Azul trails off as he takes in the sight before him.

Right next to a smiling Floyd was Jade. His outfit was in perfect condition and his posture was as formal as always. Still, Azul couldn't stop staring at the different hairstyle and piercings he was using.

There was a time when they were first years and very new to living on land in which Jade decided to experiment with his appearence. He got a lot of piercings and cut his hair in what could be known as a "punk hairstyle", contrasting terribly with his buttlerly personality. He seemed to find it very amusing, but after getting in trouble with the teachers for breaking the dress code and getting bored of the usual reactions he'd get from the other students, he decided to take them off and let his hair grow, going back to his usual look.

So it was quite a shock to see them making a comeback, although in a much tamer way than how he used to be.

"What... what has brought this back?" Truly, Azul thought he'd gotten used to the twin's antics by now and couldn't be surprised anymore, but they always found a way of surpassing expectations. 

"Yeah, I wanna know too! When I asked you to put them back you just ignored me." Floyd pouts, crossing his arms and slouching dejectedly.

"It's a long story, but it started when the prefect and I were studying in my room..."

"Wait, you know what? You can stop right there, I don't want to know. Please just get to work." Azul sighs, massaging his temples.

Whenever Ramshackle's prefect was involved, there surely was some crazy story following, and they were already behind schedule as it was.

"Of course, as you wish." Jade agrees with his usual polite smile, but no one in the room was fooled by it. They both knew he was extremely amused by their curiosity. 

"Awn, I wanted to know." Floyd complains, whining. 

"Perhaps I'll tell you another time. Right now, let's get to work, shall we?"

With a groaning Floyd in town, Jade walks out of the door as if nothing was amiss. Azul simply accepts that he'll have to deal with this new development and decides to have a talk with the prefect later. Not that it would change much of anything. When Jade had his mind set on something, he didn't stop until he was satisfied, and for some reason or other he seemed to be interested in experimenting again.

The Octavinelle dorm leader could only wonder what had caused this sudden interest.

Masterlist

[Would it be enough? - Azul Ashengrotto]

Summary: He felt pathetic. He was sitting on the floor trying not to hyperventilate, desperately bitting back tears and gripping on the edges of his dignity. Azul was pathetic, and he was not enough for you.

Notes: gn!reader, unrequited love, angst, hurt no comfort, yes I like to make Azul suffer, some self deprecating thoughts too, oh the pains of unreciprocated love

It all started when you entered the board games club.

Azul would forever curse that day, the day you entered in his life and changed it forever. He'd curse and cry to whatever cruel entity watching over him for ever putting you in his path like that. But, at the same time, should he have been given the chance, he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Even if he had to re-do it all over, the one thing he would never change would be that day, the day the sun shined on him for a few moments and took his breath away.

It might be a foolish, sentimental feeling, something he was not used to, so out of character for him. But he couldn't bear to imagine how different his life would be without that day on it, committed to his memory, imprinted on his soul.

You were new and bright and warm, so different from everyone else he's ever met, be it from the land or from the sea. It must be because you weren't from Twisted Wonderland at all, but from a whole another world. Azul has never and will never meet anyone like you. He's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, it simply is the truth.

Idia had decided to not go on that day, something or other about an important event he couldn't miss on one of his online games. The club didn't have anyone else besides them, so Azul would have skipped as well should he have been warned sooner. As he was already at the reserved classroom, he saw no point in moving, taking it as a break from work. He spread himself at the teacher's chair, feet coming up to rest at the desk, undoing some of his blazer's buttons and taking his hat off, messing his hair with his hands. He put his arms behind his head and let out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes in fatigue, glasses sliding down his nose.

When the door opened, taking him by surprise, Azul was not prepared to greet you. He was not the image he presents to the public, not a refined businessman, not the top student of his grade, not Octavinelle's feared housewarden. No, he was simply Azul, such a vulnerable side to show as a first impression, no masks or pretentiousness.

You entered, both in the classroom and in his life, a little shy at first, eyes scanning the room before landing on his form, as he fumbled to recompose himself on the teacher's chair. If it were anyone else, he'd have been mortified and expected teasing at best, blackmail at worst. You did none, surprising him even more. You only smiled, brighter than a pearl, and asked him if that was the board game club room, so innocently, not batting an eye at his ruffled state.

He cleared his throat and tried to appear professional, even if he knew it wouldn't matter much for you anymore, but for his own comfort. You took a chair and put right in front of his desk, excitedly telling him you'd like to join.

The next hour could be described as casual for most people, but Azul wasn't most people and he did not do casual. When you spent a whole hour playing chess with him, listening to him as he talked about the club and, eventually, about Night Raven College itself, your full attention on him and only him, Azul felt like he never had before.

There was something about you. Something that made Azul's tongue roll on itself when he wanted to speak, something that made his heart beat concerningly faster, something that made his hands clammy and shaky when they moved his pieces, something that made his cheeks feel warmer around you.

And oh, you were beautiful. Radiant, even, with a smile of gold and warm eyes. You must have been a siren, for your voice fished his heart so easily, made him feel like he was floating on the calmer waves, the salty scent that felt so much like home lulling him into a sense of security. Azul wanted you to keep making him feel like that, he wanted to keep hearing your voice and keep looking into your eyes, he wanted the electrifying touch of your skin as your hands would accidently touch his, he wanted the comfort of your knees resting against each other.

It was not love, of that he was certain, since he had only just met you. Azul was not sentimental, that wasn't what this was about at all. Perhaps it was more like... infatuation. Perhaps Azul simply wanted to chase the feeling of being wanted for who he is, without pretenses or his usual barriers. Perhaps he liked the feeling of being on top of the world, something only you could provide him.

No matter. It was not love and Azul would not go after you. In fact, he would make sure to keep his distance, least those troublesome feelings get stronger. 

And stronger they did get, because he couldn't avoid you. Your alluring song always brought him back to you, like a sailor infatuated with the sea's wonders, he'd always go back. There was no way to avoid you, not when you came back the next week for the club meeting, and the next, and the next, and the next. There was no way to avoid you, not when you were so kind to him, not when you treated him so different from what he was used to, not when you took his cunning side in stride and didn't get scared of him, didn't try to distance yourself. (Not when you treated him so much like a person, an equal, someone worth of your time). There was no way to avoid you, not when you would send him text messages to take care of himself and check on him at late hours to tell him to stop working and take a break, not when you would visit him at Mostro Lounge and invite him to sit with you at a table to simply spend time together. 

There was no way to resist you, Azul was but a fish caught in your hook, completly at your mercy. You either didn't notice or didn't care, content with the way things were. But Azul did, he noticed and he wanted and he ached. There was a hole in his heart, molded perfectly for you to fit right in. It would be so easy for you slide to his side and click, fitting like puzzle pieces. Azul could accommodate to your needs, he could change the way he did things to spend more time with you, he could use his hard earned money to buy whatever you wanted, he could praise you for how long you wanted him to, never running out of things to say.

But here's the thing: Azul was not enough. You were content with being his friend, and only that. No money or praise would be able to change your mind, because Azul himself was not enough, never enough. 

You deserved someone nicer, someone who would take good care of you, someone that could spend time with you and protect you and think of you above everything else. Someone that could give you the world. Someone that wasn't Azul.

It happened like this:

The little booth at the corner of the restaurant was warm. Not because that's how the air conditioner had set it to be, but because you were there with him. The chill of the undersea atmosphere couldn't reach the little world the two of you shared. He listened to you as you spoke about your day, what mischief your friends had gotten into and the new book you had been studying.

It happened like this:

There was something on your mind, Azul could tell. There was some restlessness in you, your eyes would wander around the lounge every once in a while, as if looking for something (or someone), your hands were agitated in their moviments, you were more thirsty than usual, you would derail your line of thought and get lost in your head for a few seconds, as if considering something before discarting it, or perhaps as if gathering up your courage to say something.

It happened like this:

Worried you were hurt or having trouble with someone, Azul gently asked what was on your mind. He saw your hesitation before you sighed, but you trusted him. Other people would know better than to open themselves up to the Octavinelle housewarden and give him any information for him to leverage, but you trusted him. Azul would do his best to help, even as a pit grew in his stomach and his senses screamed at him that something was wrong, because you trusted him, and he would never break that precious trust.

His heart cracked like this:

You confessed shyly, a little smile playing at the corner of your lips and your eyes avoiding his, gazing into the distance as if looking at someone else. Your fingers danced with each other and your head tilted to the side as you sighed, so full of emotion. It was an endearing scene, anyone would be lucky to get to see that lovesick expression in your face. Azul didn't feel lucky. No, in fact, he felt very unlucky. In another situation, he'd have given anything to hear you say those things, to have the chance of seeing you like that, flustered and giddy.

But here's the thing: Azul is not enough. Because it's not him you're thinking about when your lips curl like that, it's not him you're thinking about when your eyes soften like that, it's not him you're thinking about when your heart beats faster. 

And there's nothing Azul can do against it, because you weren't in love with some complete random person, so far from him he couldn't even recognize their name. It might have been easier to take, should that have been the case. No, you had fallen for the closest possible person next to him, his vice housewarden. Jade Leech was the one in your mind as you ate besides Azul.

His heart broke like this:

The little booth wasn't warm anymore. It was impossibly cold, colder than his home under the sea. The chill settled on his bones, made a home on his lungs as his chest caved in. Your little bubble had burst, the world was no longer only shared between yourselves. Azul felt his heart dropping, he felt like throwing up. His hands shook and he stared and stared and stared. You had never looked so beautiful and so far away. You were glowing, but it wasn't at him.

He could only stare as you talked in rushed whispers, not wanting to let the truth out, not wanting anyone to overhear. He could only stare as you jumped in surprise and flushed as Jade suddenly appeared by your side to check if you wanted to order anything else. He could only stare as Jade smiled softly and teased you, you bantering right back at him, so full of affection and so naturally that the two of you just... clicked. 

Azul hurriedly excused himself, murmuring an unconvincing excuse to leave the two of you alone and far away from him. He locked himself in his office and slid down the door, biting his lips and pressing the back of his palm to his eyelids, trying to rein his tears in.

He felt pathetic. He was sitting on the floor trying not to hyperventilate, desperately bitting back tears and gripping on the edges of his dignity. Azul was pathetic, and he was not enough for you. He was no longer the little boy he used to he, he did not need to hide in an octopot, but he wanted to. He wanted the easy comfort, he wanted to pretend nothing was wrong, he wanted to be left alone and to have you by his side at the same time.

He had always known. You have never tricked him, your feelings were clear. You liked Azul as your dear friend, your confidant, and that was the end of it. And Azul loved you and loved you and ached for you, as you fell for someone else. He was merely playing pretend for as long as he could, trying to stay blissifuly unaware of what was happening right in front ot him, as his two closest friends fell in love and left him behind.

When had that happened? When had you grown fond of each other? When had Jade won your heart over? When had Azul stopped being enough for you?

Has he ever been enough at all?

The floor had no sympathy for him or his sorrows. The vacant office mocked him, showing his life long accomplishments, everything he fought tooth and nail for. Was it worth it? He had what he had always wanted, didn't he? So why did his chest feel so empty, so dull, why did his heart ache so much?

Time passed by, but he gave it no mind. No one knocked at his door, most likely because the twins noticed he wanted to be left alone, and left alone he was. He broke down, a pathetic sight of a pathetic man, and he pulled himself together, drying his tears and fixing his clothes. He had to keep his image, at the very least, otherwise what else would he have left going for him?

Azul did what he does best. He pretended. He pretended everything was alright, that nothing had changed, that he was fine.

The one thing he didn't have to pretend was that he was happy for you. Of course he was, seeing you so excited about your crush was heart warming. But it was also heart crushing, to have what he's yearned for at his fingertips and letting it slip away. He'd stay happy for you, even as his feelings ate him alive and his heart screamed and kicked and sobbed that it was supposed to be him. Not Jade, but him.

Here's the thing: Azul is not enough, but Jade is. Jade is, and Azul will make everything in his power to make sure it stays that way, so that your heart won't break, not like his did.

It's a few days after that Azul pulls Jade to his office to talk.

He didn't want to talk, he wanted to scream at him, wanted to cry about how unfair it was, but he had more composure than that, he knew better. It wasn't Jade's fault you had fallen for him, just like it wasn't Jade's fault that Azul was not enough. And Azul knows Jade, he knows him like he knows himself, he knows Jade will be able to treat you right if that soft smile he reserved for you was any indicative. Yes, Jade could be vicious and decieving, he could lure you in only to break you, he could outsiren the siren. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't, because Jade was just as infatuated with you as you were with him. No, not infatuated. In love with you. 

The thought left a bitter taste in Azul's mouth. He was terrible and selfish, he wanted you to himself, he wanted you to look at him with that loving gaze, not Jade, but him. He'd swallow the feeling down for your happiness, for you.

"You wanted to see me?" Jade inquired politely as he entered, closing the door behind him.

The air felt tense. His stuffed little office made him seen so close. Azul held the scream in.

"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about the prefect."

"Oh? What about?" There was a glint in his eyes at your mere mention. Azul clenched his fists, his short nails biting into his skin to help him gather his strength, not back out on this. He had made up his mind.

"Your feelings."

"My... feelings? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." 

Jade, of course, wouldn't reveal his hand so easily. He could deny it all he wanted, his body spoke for itself. The way he became more alert, he leaned in slightly, his eyes widened just a fraction. It was proof of their years of partnership that Azul could notice all of this in the first place. Jade obviously liked you back, and Azul wasn't in the mood for his mind games.

"You like the prefect. Don't bother with denial, it's quite obvious." 

"Oh? I'm obvious now? How funny, I could swear I've seen you swooning over the prefect before." 

He was having fun with him, the bastard. Jade was perfectly aware of his feelings, just as attuned to him as Azul was, wanting him to take the bait. It was entertaining to taunt him, perhaps, or he wanted to see if Azul would try to talk him out of it and leave himself to try his chance with you. He might have if he thought he had a chance to being with, but that wasn't the case.

"Cut it out, I'm not trying to compete. Quite the contrary, in fact. Jade, I want you to take the prefect out on a date."

There, he had said it. He was almost sure there was blood on his tongue with how much it hurt to get those words out.

For once, Jade looked surprised, genuinely taken aback. Not his carefully constructed mask of shock, but his true reaction. Azul tried to feel the usual satisfaction that would follow such a thing, but he could only feel bitter.

"My my, that wasn't what I was expecting at all. How come, Azul?"

"The prefect likes you back, simple as that."

He couldn't, was physically unable to, hold back his heartache at that. His feelings came stumbling down each word, it was obvious. But he'd do it for your happiness, he would beg Jade to treat you well and with the utmost care, he would dig his own grave and lie in it.

Not that he would have to. At these words, Jade perkep up instantly. Nothing anyone else would have noticed, but Azul did. Of course Azul did, Jade was his closest friend. And he was about to let him have you all for himself. 

"What makes you think that?"

Jade had to know, had to know the way you looked at him with stars in your eyes, had to know the way you giggled and joked with him, had to know the way you liked to stay as close as possible. He had to.

"It's just as obvious as your feelings. So, do me a favor. Please, Jade." His voice breaks. Azul feels something inside him breaking alongside it.

Jade's eyes soften, an equal mix of pity and elation, and isn't it a funny sight? Who wouldn't be euphoric to know they hold your affection? Azul knows he would, Sevens, how much he would, how much he wishes that was the case.

"I understand. Thank you, Azul. I'll make sure we will have a most pleasant time together."

With a corteous bow, Jade leaves him to his misery. Azul could imagine it all, Jade's own cooking as you ate with him on a dinner illuminated by candlelight, your laughter as you slow danced in the dark afterwards, the stars shining bright above you and giving their blessings. How your lips would be so soft as you press it against his.

He grabs his hair in frustation, his chest feels ready to combust, Azul is a ball of jealousy and self pity and he's not enough.

Being your friend would have to suffice. He couldn't bear to lose you from his life, so that would suffice. Keeping you close, but never too much. Having your attention, but never all of it. Staying by your side, even if you're not by his.

Digging his cracked chest bones into his lungs, breaking and breaking the pieces left of his heart, waiting for his throat to be rasped raw, until his tears dry and he dehydrates. Until the sea runs dry and the land gets flooded, until the sun combusts and the moon implodes. Azul will stay by your side, of course he will.

Even if he has to watch you holding Jade's hand oh so tenderly, asking him to bend down a little for you to kiss his cheek. Even if his insides burn at the scene. Even if he only ever gets to stare at your back all day. Once your smile shines again, he can't bring himself to regret it.

He'll curse the day he met you, but by the Sevens, he wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. As long as he gets to watch you being happy, from afar, he'll be satisfied. He'll focus on his work and his studies and anything else to keep himself busy, but a single message from you will be enough to break his concentration and capture his attention.

You'll always be enough for him, more than enough. No matter how many years pass, Azul will keep loving you, even if he's still not enough.

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[I refuse to drown - Azul Ashengrotto]

Summary: He had hurt you. Azul had hurt you and he wasn't sure how he could ever forgive himself, the guilt gnawing at his core. Despite that, you still smile at him. 

Notes: reader and azul knew each other before chapter 3, gn!reader, angst and hurt/comfort, self deprecating thoughts, some mentions of blood, injury and death but none too graphic, not proof read

Azul had lost everything.

Everything he had built painstakingly for years, crawling himself from the bottom of the depths, that he exhausted himself for, that he carefully planned and gained through his hard work. Gone, just like that, floating away in the wind the same way the sand of the beach is carried away by the waves.

But, the worst of all: he lost control. 

Control of himself, his actions and his mind. Azul couldn't remember what happened after seeing his contracts disintegrating, only that he felt more despair than ever before. Even when he was isolated and mocked by the other merman, he's never felt such helplessness, such anguish, such misery. 

His mind was muddy, he didn't feel like he was in his body. Why would it matter, anyway? It was all gone, gone, gone. 

He let himself drown in the feeling.

Drowning was a strange sensation. Azul, being a merman, never thought he could experience it, but Night Raven College was full of surprises. His lungs felt full, an inky substance occupying where once was air. His vision was dark, as if he had fallen into an abyss. He couldn't bring himself to care.

Azul didn't know which was worse, the hopeless feelings or the lack thereof. 

He stayed floating into nothingness for a while. He wasn't conscious, but he was. He was there, but he wasn't. He didn't have a body, but he did. If he could manage to string a coherent thought together, it might have been something like this: "Is this what death looks like?" Perhaps if he could muster enough strenght to feel something, he might have felt regret for all the things he still had left to do.

If he looked deep into himself, deeper than he was willing to, he might have found that he regretted making you sign one of his rigged contracts and dragging you into this mess. He should have known better than understimating you, he should have known that something like this would happen. After all, you were amazing enough to catch his attention. What made him think you wouldn't be amazing enough to find a way out of his deal? What made him think Jade and Floyd would be enough to disencourage you? What made him think someone like him, so dirty and insicere, could ever dampen someone like you, so determined and bright?

He didn't think about any of it. He didn't think about anything.

The first thing Azul felt when he came back to his senses was light against his eyelids. He was back at the surface. His body ached all over but his lungs no longer bled that viscous black liquid and he felt alive once more. He was still alive.

He could smell a familiar scent, one that he was used to smelling back at the Coral Sea, so used to he didn't identify it a first. He heard shouting that seemed to be miles away and right by his ear at the same time. His slugish head couldn't distinguish what was being said by whom, but he could swear he heard your name, it's mention alone being enough to jolt eletricity back into his being and keep him awake. There were hurried footsteps getting farther away and he finally recognized what the smell was. It was the metalic smell of blood.

He tried to open his eyes but the bright lights of Mostro Lounge burned them, so he kept them tightly shut. He couldn't get up, his legs hurt more than any other part of his body. What had happened? He couldn't have... could he? The last thing he could remember happening before passing out was... oh.

Oh. He did. Azul had an overblot.

His breath hitched, but he forced himself to keep breathing in the air, to keep the blot out, out of his system and out of his lungs and out of his veins and out out out of him. He bit his tounge, clenched his fists and forced his sore eyes to open.

The contracts, they were gone. His life's work. He had made a fool of himself in front of another housewarden. He had an overblot and put everyone in danger. He had put you in danger.

Jade and Floyd were by his side. They were talking to him, but he couldn't register the words. His head was underwater, the pressure weighting him down, his ears filled with water and dripping, dripping, dripping.

He could still smell the blood. Ah, it felt just like home.

Azul looked at his lower half, almost sure in some hysterical part of his brain that he would find his tentacles there. His legs laid on the floor, clean and useless. He breathed a sigh of relief. Still, he couldn't help but wish the blood was his.

He got the gist of what the twins were saying. Leona destroyed the contracts and you had managed to adquire his childhood photo. They were mocking him for the tantrum he threw, but he could tell they were worried. There wasn't much force behind the half hearted taunts and no matter how much they tried to hide, Azul knew them just like they knew him. They were aggravated at what happened as well, no matter how much they pretended they couldn't care less.

"What would you like us to do about the photo?" 

"I'm pretty sure we could just snatch it up with how shrimpy is now, but man, I'm not in the mood for it."

"...I don't care about the photo anymore. Tell me, what happened to the prefect?"

Jade looked at him with pity and Floyd's mood deteriorated. There was a bottomless pit of dread at his stomach, his throat felt dry all of sudden. His eyes burned, but no tears fell from them. When had his breathing become so erratic?

As soon as the twins broke the news to him, Azul tried to stand up and see you, not caring for how much his legs ached and hurt and screamed at him to stay down. Good, he thought with venom, so much loathing and disdain it left a sour feeling in his mouth, they better be hurting after what he'd done. He deserves worse.

Jade helped him balance himself on his legs and Floyd laughed at his clumsy footing, as if it was the first time the three of them set foot on land and were just learning how to walk. Azul felt like he had been stripped from his tentacles and siphon all over again. He had been stripped from his skin and from his mind, had been laid open and bare and vulnerable for all to see, had his chest teared apart and his lungs leaking onto the floor.

Once they arrived at the infirmary, Azul was almost jumped by your friends. The Heartslabyul duo and the young Savanaclaw seemed ready to plummet him to the ground, no care for his condition, if it weren't for Jade and Floyd tanking him by both sides like bodyguards. Azul was glad they didn't care, he was glad they worried so much about you. He would have let them hit him and taken the beating, there wasn't much of his pride left to salvage anyway.

The school nurse had just finished attending you and promptly went to work on his injuries. The Headmaster appeared at the infirmary right after Azul was discharged, no doubt already knowing what happened. He had never seem Crowley look as serious as he did when he asked for the three of them to accompany him to his office. 

Azul's body was exhausted, he clearly needed to rest. Still, he agreed without a fuss, the twins following him closely from behind. He could feel Jade's gaze burning the back of his neck, but he couldn't gather enough energy to care for whatever was going on the eelmer's mind. He felt empty, almost hollow. Frighteningly so, like he was still on that void state, disconnected from his body. Was he even awake?

The talk with the Headmaster was a long and tiring one. At the end of it, Azul accepted the new terms for him to keep running Mostro Lounge at the school, gripping tightly to the only thing he had left. He couldn't lose his beloved restaurant alongside everything else, it would be too much, more than he could handle.

It was dark by the time they were excused to go back to their dorm. Azul felt and looked like a mess, not like the businessman he took pride in being. His hair was dishevelled, there were eyebags under his eyes and his mouth was set in a firm line for a while, not managing much more emoting. 

There was a restlessness under his skin, on his muscles, deep in his bones, down onto every single cell. No matter how worn out he was, there was no way he would be able to sit back. Not until he saw you with his own eyes, saw exactly how much damage he had caused. 

He wasn't able to muster up the courage to look the twins in the face as he told them to go ahead, that he had something to do. Luckly, they decided he had suffered enough and didn't kick up much of a fuss before leaving him alone.

The walk to the infirmary felt like a fever dream, too long and too short at the same time. Azul wondered if your friends were still there at this time, if you were awake, if he was even allowed to enter. He stayed rooted in front of the entrance, trying to gather every last bit of confidence to put up his usual serene façade. 

He wouldn't let you see how affected he was by the whole ordeal. This wasn't supposed to be about him, he wanted to take a look at you. You, who had been nothing but friendly to him, who had caught his attention early on, who spent time with him at Mostro Lounge, who he admired so much, who wormed your way into his heart and refused to leave.

Azul was afraid you hated him now, but by the Sevens how much he wished you did. Why wouldn't you, after he tried to scam you out of your house and almost got you killed. All for his selfishness, for his stupid pride and greed. He was ready for you to scream at him, to hit him, say you never wanted to see him again. Even if the mere thought was enough for him to feel like throwing up, he knew it would be better if he stayed away from you and your light. That way, he wouldn't hurt you again, never again.

Steeling himself with the fakiest smile on his face, he pushed the door open, hands shaking.

The infirmary was quiet, no one in sight save for you. You were laying on one of the first beds, a peaceful expression on your face. You looked beautiful. You always did, to him. There were bandages all over where your skin was visible. Azul could feel the guilt choking him. How could he have the audacity to come talk to you after he was the one that did this?

He turned around and was about to leave when he heard you whisper. It was spoken so softly he wouldn't have heard at all if he wasn't hyperaware of you. "Stay." 

Azul stayed. He could never deny anything you asked for. Especially not when you sounded so pleading, when you looked at him like that.

There was a chair next to your bed, so umconfortable looking as it must feel. But it was the best way to stay closer to you, so he sat on it, waiting for you to drop the guillotine over his head for his sins. 

The silence was suffocating, denser than the pressure at the bottom of the ocean. He wanted you to say something, anything. His gaze was on the floor, lips pulled back, brows furrowed. If he closed his eyes, only the darkness would welcome him, swallow him whole, so he kept them stubbornly open.

"Azul." It felt like a blessing, like a drop of water after walking through the desert, like a warm embrace. Azul relished the way you said his name, the delicious entonation as your tongue rolled over every letter. He wanted to beg you to say it again and again. The only thing he does is lifting his head to look at you.

The proximity between you two was startling. He hadn't noticed how close you were, hadn't noticed you raising your hand, hadn't noticed the shine in your eye. He thought you were about to slap him, but couldn't drag his stare away from your eyes. They looked so gentle, so full of... something. He wouldn't dare try to name the emotion behind them, wouldn't dare hope.

Your hand made contact with his cheek, making him flinch lightly. There was no sting, only your warmth as you held his face. Your fingers left burning imprints where they touched, marked him from the inside out. Wide blue eyes meet your affectionate ones, so open and honest. Why were you being so gentle to him? Acting like nothing happened, like things were the same as before this whole mess occurred. 

"I'm glad." You confess softly, a secret meant only for the two of you, thumb brushing against his cheeks as he leans into your touch and lets himself melt into it while he still can. "I'm glad you're alright, Azul." 

"How can you say that when you're the one laying on a hospital bed?" His voice falls flat, trying to hide his emotions. But he's a cracked shell, his insides are spilling out into your palms, plain for you to pick apart and analyse as you please.

You smile, your joy is so sincere Azul can feel his eyes burn with unshead tears. How could he ever hurt someone like you? How could you still look at him without an once of hatred or disguist or fear?

"I was worried about you." You state as if it was the simplest thing in the world, because it is, to you. The sky is blue, the ocean is cold and you care about Azul. You say as if you aren't shattering his last bits of composure, as if you aren't breaking his heart into little jagged pieces. 

"Don't say that." He manages to choke out, as if the mere words hurt his throat, voice watery and breaking. "Please, don't say that." The 'I don't deserve it' is not said out loud, but both of you can hear it.

"How can I not? It's the truth." His tears flow freely, no longer under his control as he feels the urge to sob, to beg for forgiveness, to hide and never see you again in fear of hurting you. Only you had this effect on him, only you could break his barriers and composure so easily. 

You brush his tears away, whispering reassurances. Wasn't him supposed to be the one reassuring you? He had come to see how you were, to apologize, to let you scream at him, anything. He could take it if you hated him, he would understand, but how could your gaze still hold so much fondness in it, so much love? The guilt shatters him, pierces his heart, make his sobs louder. How cruel could your kindness be?

He had hurt you. Azul had hurt you and he wasn't sure how he could ever forgive himself, the guilt gnawing at his core. Despite that, you still smile at him. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He repeats, over and over. You say you forgive him, but he keeps going until his voice is hoarse. You don't, no, you can't understand it. You did nothing wrong, you're not like him, hands stained with blood and rot. He lets his guilt out before it festers and consumes him. It isn't enough to make up to you, although it does make him feel a little bit better, to let it all out like this.

You don't lie to him. You don't say it wasn't his fault or that he wasn't in the wrong, but you don't rub it in either. Azul appreciates it, the sincerity. He knows you can hold him accountable when the time is right. For now, you comfort him. You tell him how nobody else could put such effective notes together, how determinated and hardworking he is. How his past doesn't define him and how he has greater strenghts than any magic. He drinks every word up, commiting them to memory.

As his tears seem to dry out alongside his voice, you pull him closer to yourself. He submerges himself into you, your scent, your voice, your touch. He would happily let himself drown on the sensation. You just hold him, rubbing circles on his back and lending him your shoulder. 

It's like time has frozen over. Azul wishes it had. He could stay like this with you for hours if you'd let him, although he doesn't feel ready to admit it, be it to you or to himself. 

Everything is not right. You're still hurt, his contracts are still gone and Azul still feels wrong, the effects of the overblot lingering underneath his skin. His reputation took a significant blow and he'll have to change the method he's always used to work at his own establishment. 

But not all is lost, either. He can start over, the right way this time. You'll be by his side, cheering him on. There's a long road to improvement and Azul has never been one to get scared by such things. He'll put his efforts on getting back on his feet and breaking the surface of the water, as he refuses to drown. 

The late hour weights on your tired bodies, causing you to yawn, your hold on him getting laxer. With the way his body aches, he wouldn't be able to go back to Octavinelle. In fact, he doesn't feel able to move from the chair he is in. He doesn't want to leave you from his sight, to lose your touch. 

You ask him to keep you company, prompting him to lay his head on your lap, an umconfortable position, as he has to bend his torso to reach it, but he doesn't mind. Just having you nearby will be enough. One of your hands interlock your fingers with his and the other plays with his hair as you hum, not letting the silence engulf the room. He's beyond grateful for that, for how you just seem to know what he needs and is more than willing to give it to him. He's never been handled with such care before, like he's wanted, like he's precious. It makes his body feel warm and he basks on it.

He waits until you stop your ministrations, until your breathing evens out and it's just him alone with his thoughts. He keeps his eyes shut, as he knows that if he dared to glance at your sleeping face his heart would burst with affection, the feelings he's trying to rein in exploding from his chest. 

Azul only has made a promise to himself once, when he was a little kid being bullied by his peers, eager to prove them wrong, to prove he could be better than their expectations. Now, he makes a new promise, to protect you and your kindness, to never let someone, least him, hurt you again, to make up for his own shortcomings and become someone you can be proud of.

He loses consciousness for the second time that day, but this time he knows he's alive. He feels it in the way his heart beats in sync with yours, the way his breaths come out from his mouth, the way your fingers are laced with his. 

Azul is alive and swimming to the surface, as he refuses to drown.

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