There’s No Rule As To How Big Or How Small You’re Allowed To Dream. If You Just Want A Small Home

psst! they’re easy to make, too. here’s the Fu pattern. 

remember to tie the top tie straight across the middle of your ear, and the bottom tie in a criss-cross over it, like a plus sign, to the top of your head.

always wear the same side facing out!

use funky patterned cotton to make it cute and cool!

launder with soap and reuse!

MAKE MEMES

Just got back from the grocery store on my first outing with a homemade mask

Literally every store manager (and multiple older people) i passed thanked me for wearing a mask

We need to start memeing cloth mask usage to make it cool and hip to keep your germs to yourself and stop this outbreak on the ground

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

— Carl Jung

recovery is not ‘soon i will be untouched, perfect, and in a permanent state of bliss. i will be healed and all will be well, forever.’

recovery is ‘i will continue to survive despite what happens, i will find ways to cope instead of continually tearing myself down. i will recover and will see myself in a light that i never thought was possible.’

Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me

Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.

First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.

The most fundamental thing:

You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.

You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.

You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.

That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.

(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)

The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.

It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.

It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.

You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.

And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.

Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.

Personality disorders are complex.

AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.

(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)

It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.

Personality disorders mean inflexibility.

Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.

Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.

It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.

And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse. 

It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.

Knowing doesn’t fix it.

It’s not that kind of problem.

That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”

What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.

We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.

People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.

It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.

Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.

It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.

This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.

But even further than that …

The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.

The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.

It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.

Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.

But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.

If you’re close to someone with AvPD…

… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.

And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.

Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.

And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3

(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)

So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.

The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.

This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.

Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.

Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.

It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.

It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.

But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.

They need you to believe them.

If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.

Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.

It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.

Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).

Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.

You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”

And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.

“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”

These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.

Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.

First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”

Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”

And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”

It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.

But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?

Anytime we drag our past into the future, we have some grieving to do. When we refuse to grieve, it slows us down and robs us from finding our lives.

Stephen Arterburn (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

‘Doing your best’ looks different for everyone, it’s important not to compare yourself to those around you, especially if you’re struggling. Be kind to yourself, and be proud of what you achieve today <3

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there’s a post in my queue about how to have productive arguments (with your parents, even)

and it got me thinking,

dealing with conflict, and talking to people who (perhaps by definition) disagree with you ... is so so hard and so scary

but / and

it gets so much more ... doable, after you’ve had a few successful experiences.

or even observed someone else succeed in standing up for themselves a few times

it becomes conceivable.

and (this is a thing I’m not sure I can put into words)

realizing, even after the fact, even in a very limited way, that you can make things happen

or that you can change things

or that you can take something that has been a looming, oppressive, guilt-ridden Problem in your Life, and turn it into something that is resolved and stable and no longer a source of stress every day

....... is super empowering. (because! literally! you have power! wow, wait, for real.)

so. yes. just putting this out there:

other ways to experience conflict exist

and, even if you never become fully comfortable disagreeing (or confronting or arguing) with someone,

the way that it currently feels to you (overwhelming, terrifying, surrender-inducing)

is not necessarily the way that it will always feel.

(because, we learn! we grow! and new people teach us new things: new relationships, new ways of being, & of feeling.)

things that are hard, are sometimes still worth doing.

because sometimes you can actually influence what happens ... and not be forced to simply tolerate & adapt to how Everyone Else decides it should be.

it is OK to have opinions! and disagree! it is OK to want things. it is OK to show up, and be visible.

even if in the past, you have learned otherwise, I just want to say:

this is your life, and you are allowed to exist in it.

there’s something about living life deliberately…wearing clothes that you actually want to and that you feel reflect you and your style not just because you’ve had them for years and don’t know what else you would throw on….listening to songs and creating playlists that excite you and represent your actual mood not just listening to songs that you’ve had downloaded for years that don’t make you feel anything special anymore…it’s VERY easy to stay with what you’re comfortable and it might take a bit of experimenting before you find what feels like a deliberate choice that reflects more of YOU but it’s absolutely worth the leap of faith you may have to convince yourself to make in order to stop feeling like a passenger in your own life

i mean, but also, knowing your limits and knowing when you need to step back so that you don’t act resentful or stressed out by your own kids, is part of being a good parent.

everyone has limits. getting to take a break can make you a better parent, because you’re a little refreshed when you get back, and you’re actively glad to see your kids, and it makes you happy to be with them! they can see that stuff clearly, too.

it’s OK to recognize that you as a parent need more support and more time to not-always-be-parenting. to retain your sanity and self-perception as your whole self and not just the parenting role. burnout is a real thing, and shutting down people who are grappling with this particular stress isn’t going to help them acknowledge or move through those feelings — or figure out ways to help themselves de-stress, recharge, and nourish themselves in spite of their life pressures.

no human can be 100% on, 100% of the time, and that doesn’t change when you have a kid. this is a huge part of why extended families and local communities are so important in child-rearing (‘it takes a village’) — having support makes you, yourself, a better and more patient parent, because you aren’t constantly running on fumes.

speaking from personal experience, my parents raised me without any help. it was really hard on them — and on me, because that just isn’t how children are meant to grow up. but it’s not how parents are meant to parent, either.

i understand that better now that i have kids myself and, hey, i’m still autistic! my limits are clearer than most people’s, and maybe as a result i need more help (=auxiliary carers so that i can take care of myself). it sure has made me aware of this balance.

of course, yes, it’s absolutely not okay for your kids to think or know that you resent them/parenthood, or that you don’t want to be around them. and they REALLY DO know much more than others guess. (again, i was one of those kids. a lot of us were, i imagine.)

but the best way to prevent that whole mess from happening is to handle your feelings yourself, so that you can engage in parent-child interactions better. (with calmness, affection, wisdom, humility, blah blah.) but that requires time and energy for self-care, which is obviously in short supply. aaannnd it also helps not to be judged by strangers on the internet.

sometimes venting to an adult is how you meet your emotional needs enough to leave that stuff aside, and go be genuinely present with your kid, with gratitude instead of resentment.

self care skills are parenting skills. ❤️

I know covid 19 has been going on for long. It is terrible and I hope with all my heart that it is over soon. I want you to know that following the restrictions save lives, and it’s okay if they make you sad. It’s okay if everything seems harder now than in the first months. We have been in this a long time and now it’s (for some of us atleast) very dark outside. It is hard. It is lonely, but we got to keep on going. We will make it. There is light ahead with vaccines. More and more restrictions may be added, dependent on where we each live. It will be okay again. Hang in there. For what it is worth: You are not alone and your feelings are valid. It’s scary and it may be getting to you a lot more now as the months went on. Winter is already a tough season for many people. Adding covid 19 on top of that? That is a lot. Do not beat yourself up. Hang in there, do what you can to take care of yourself and talk to someone.

We will make it through. It will be hard, but we will make it. 🌸