Are You Trapped On Tumblr Right Now?

Find a soul that doesn’t lose appreciation once they are used to you.

You might be suffering the consequences of long term abuse if:

you feel uncomfortable taking credit for things you did

you feel uncomfortable being praised or complimented, and you feel like sudden expectation or blackmail are coming up afterwards, you need to find intentions behind praise

someone getting mad at you is absolutely terrifying and you’ll do anything to avoid it

you don’t ever feel it’s safe to stand up for yourself, you can predict that even if you did that, ultimately you’d only be punished and hurt even worse, and you can’t risk it

you always analyze every situation with „am I bothering these people? Is my presence a burden to everyone?“ even when you’re with friends or at a place where you were invited

you don’t feel like a part of anything, not your family or your peer group, you worry everyone is going to figure out that you’re out of line trying to pretend to be a part of their group and reject you

you worry that you have no value to anyone and you feel like you need to deserve to be a part of society

you feel inexplicably ashamed of yourself, there are so many situations you can’t talk about, or even think about without feeling overwhelming shame

you keep feeling everything bad that happens is your fault, even for things that aren’t related to you directly, you feel responsible and like you should have done something to prevent it

you feel like everything would be better if only you didn’t exist

you struggled with suicidal thoughts before (or still struggle with them)

you feel like anyone who hurts you is justified in doing so and you deserve to be hurt

you’re terrified of being punished for anything you do, and don’t do, to the point where you paralyze and can’t do things you’re supposed to do at times, because you can’t tell if it’s going to end up in you suffering punishment

you don’t feel comfortable being touched or cuddled, you feel like it makes you weak if you desire it

you don’t feel okay showing big emotions in front of anyone, you feel your feelings in secret, or not at all

nobody knows just in how much pain you are. You don’t show it.

you can tell that even if you did talk to someone about your problems, you’d be accused of exaggerating, asking for attention, faking it, or being weak for not controlling your emotions better

you feel like the dream of a good life, where you’re loved and happy and cherished, is something completely unrealistic and it feels silly to even imagine it, it’s out of reach for you

If it’s only a few you can relate to, they can be caused by outside factors, but if you relate to almost all of these, it’s likely you’ve been living in a situation that is unbearable for human being without severely affecting their personality and mental health. Abuse can cause all of this, and these are not little things, this is lowered quality of life.

Abusive parents will still make sure you care about them so much, so your heart hurts when you even think about calling them abusers, they will make themselves seem so important, so clueless about what they’re doing to you, so well-meaning, so emotionally immature, it feels like you’re a bad person to even think of holding them responsible for cruelty. But they never seem to think the same of you.

They don’t think you’re important, or clueless about how you affect them. You, in fact, should just shut up and watch your every move for how it affects them. You never get the benefit of doubt that you maybe meant well when you did something they didn’t like. You have to take responsibility for everything you do, and even for what they do. You don’t get to be emotionally immature, you have to act like an understanding, compassionate, all-giving adult even when you’re a small child. You don’t get to be forgiven for mistakes, you don’t get to be spared of being called horrible names when you’re less than perfect in their eyes. You don’t get the same warmth and care they expect to be given. You don’t get to have space to grow and develop. You don’t get to be important. You only exist to make them feel like good parents, regardless of what awful parents they are. You get to be neglected and dismissed but you are expected to care and acknowledge them immensely.

If they can’t acknowledge that you are a child, who depends on them for care and safety, who is affected by them immensely and that it’s on them to provide you with care and warmth and space, if they can’t give you space to make mistakes, space to grow and develop, if they can’t hold themselves responsible for their own actions towards you - they’re not good parents. And regardless of what they say, you’re not obliged to make them feel all warm and soft inside after they failed you that badly. You don’t owe them credit they never deserved. If they wanted to feel like good parents, maybe they should have put more effort into making sure their child is safe and happy. Maybe they should have tried parenting instead of manipulating you to love them despite what they did to you.

Yup.

This is about Sci-Hub. yeah we get it.. gatekeep knowledge and protect the interests of capital…

Abusers love to pretend to be misunderstood and dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern or fear at all times. They love to make out their past so it seems like they’re some kind of tragic hero, or someone who is only abusive because of everything they’ve bee thru. They will yell at you for “not considering their feelings enough”, you can recognize it in phrases “do you ever think about how it is for me? do you think i enjoy doing this?” as if you are the one ignoring their feelings, and not the reverse. Even when they look happy you’re supposed to always assume that deep inside they’re in some kind of pain and be as understanding as possible.

Don’t get fooled by this. People who are dealing with a lot of pain, guilt, concern, shame, and fear don’t take it out on their closest ones. People who are aware of what compassion is wont yell at you for not taking enough of their feelings into account. People who are living with pain and regret don’t look fucking smug and self-important all the time! People who live in shame wouldn’t risk hurting you and increasing shit they’re feeling ashamed about! People who are hurt and living in a lot of pain wouldn’t just go and try to make you feel awful about yourself too! They wouldn’t make inappropriate jokes or call you names or try to convince you that if they feel bad, you need to feel bad too, and if they are doing that, then you are not supposed to take their feelings into account anymore! 

Your empathy should not extend to those who have it as a goal to hurt you, when another person wants to cause you pain, this is where your empathy for them should end. No matter what they’re pretending to go thru, doesn’t it feel a little bit too convenient that their lives are so “tragic” and “misunderstood” and for that reason you’re supposed to just let them take it out on you and “understand where they’re coming from”? If they’re leading you to believe you’re a bad person if you don’t let them hurt you, they can just fuck off! It’s just a sham to make you believe that allowing them to cause you pain is noble from you, it’s not, your life has bigger value than to be a punching bag for someone, noble thing is to protect your life from that kind of parasite.

Still bothered by the US cultural idea that men can only be non-romantically intimate with one another in war-like or competitive circumstances.