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Pink In The Night | Gary "Roach" Sanderson x Male Reader | Angst
Minors/Fem DNI
Warnings; Hurt/no comfort, cheating, minor alcohol consumption
A/N; I ALMOST MADE TWO OF MY BETA READERS CRY WITH THIS ONE LMAOOO, one being Doc, ty Doc. I could have sworn this was a request, but I can't find it so whatever. I feel bad cuz another person requested fluff with roach and this is comin out first 😭❤️ godspeed soldier. i left the other man unnamed. you can decide who it is :)
Synopsis; Mistakes are made on lonely nights. This is evident in a man's hands on another, and the turmoil of what he has done come after.
1.6k words. Short and sweet
How did he end up like this? Roach’s mind was buzzing with thoughts, mostly regret, but also a small part being exhilaration. Something so taboo so frowned upon, but it felt so good.
As he gazed at the man next to him, a co-worker and dear friend, he felt guilt begin to gnaw at his chest. Rapidly his body began burning with shame, nausea settling in as bile crept up his throat, threatening to force up his dinner.
“Fuck,” he groaned, shuffling out of the other man's embrace and crawling off of the bed, walking to the bathroom as quickly as possible. He hunched over the toilet and began retching, emptying the contents of his stomach into the bowl. When he finished, he spat the remaining liquid out of his mouth and reached for the toilet paper, ripping off a piece and wiping his mouth before dropping it into the toilet and reaching for the leaver.
He sat back and pulled his legs to his chest, resting his forehead on his knees with his arms at his sides.
“What have I done…”
The following days before he returned home were excruciating. He would have time to think of what he would say to Y/N, but inevitably knowing the outcome pained him.
He loved Y/N more than anything in the world, so why did he stray? He asked himself this over and over again, eventually concluding that a month and a half of being deployed left him touch starved and desperate. What a horrible excuse to cheat on your partner. He wanted to kick himself and force himself two days ago to stay in his room all day. Maybe if he played sick he wouldn't have had the temptation, though he doubted it.
There were only three days before he was going home. Why didn’t he wait? He knew Y/N would welcome him with open arms, treat him sweetly and shower him with love and affection. Why couldn't he wait?
As he was driven home in a cab after being dismissed, he felt worry invade his body. His hands were clammy, an uncomfortable warmth spreading throughout his limbs, settling in his throat.
By the time he arrived, it was later than he would have liked. The sun was about to set to allow the moon time to shine, to taunt him with the knowledge of what Roach had done in its presence. He flinched when he noticed the murder of crows on the roof, seven standing and watching him as he opened the door and stepped out, grabbing his duffel bag from the seat next to him and waving the driver goodbye.
He turned back to the house, unease filling his mind as one of the crows tilted its head at him. Their eyes were on him as he walked up to the front door and fumbled with his keys to unlock the front door. When he finally got it open, he sighed with relief, quickly slamming the door behind him to escape the beetie, endless black eyes that assessed him, silently judging every part of his soul.
They knew everything. They hold knowledge and power in their being. They carry secrets between their feathers. What secrets would they share tonight?
Roach takes a few deep breaths before dropping his bag to his side and kneeling to remove his shoes. Y/N emerged from the kitchen with a worried face before it quickly turned to happiness, a wide smile covering his handsome features.
“Hi,” he greeted, fondness written on his face. His head was tilted to the side as he gazed at Roach with a sort of longing.
“Hi, Y/N,” Roach said, pulling off his shoes and setting them to the side before grabbing his bag.
“Leave it, I’ll take care of it later,” Y/N said, waving his hand. “You must be tired.”
Roach just nodded, placing the duffel against the wall and walking towards Y/N who eagerly wrapped his arms around Roach’s shoulders and pulled him into a warm hug.
“Christ, I missed you so, so much, baby,” he whispered, squeezing Roach tight. He buried his face into his neck and breathed in his scent.
Roach hesitantly wrapped his arms around Y/N’s torso, holding him back. Tears stung the back of his eyes as Y/N embraced him, holding him close to his chest.
“I missed you, too,” he said. Y/N kissed Roach’s temple before pulling away.
“Dinner is almost ready if you’d like to sit down,” Y/N said. Roach nodded and wiped his nose with his sleeve as Y/N returned to the kitchen
He made his way to the small dining table and sat down, running his hands through his hair with anxiety. He rubbed his eyes and tried to calm his brain, taking deep breaths and counting down from ten to ground himself.
“Is Camille Giroud Bourgogne okay?” Y/N asked from the kitchen. Roach placed a hand on his chest as he looked back at him. “You look stressed. What’s going on in your brain?” he asked, knitting his eyebrows together.
“Nothing,” Roach lied, a small smile spreading over his face. “It’s been a long month.”
“So, red’s okay?”
“Red is good.”
Y/N hummed in acknowledgement and turned to grab two wine glasses from a cabinet, setting them on the counter before grabbing two plates of blood-red meat, seared medium rare with a wine sauce and green beans plated with it, well seasoned. He set one plate in front of Roach, placing the other at the seat in front of him.
Roach’s mouth watered at the sight, but he refrained from tearing into the meal, instead waiting for Y/N to fetch the wine and the glasses. He poured them each a glass before sitting down.
“I’m glad you’re home,” Y/N said, picking up his wine and taking a sip. Roach nodded before beginning to eat.
They ate quietly, all the while Roach had to think of how to tell Y/N what he had done. There was no way that he couldn't tell him. Rather quickly his appetite failed him and he set down his fork and knife, staring at his half-full plate.
“Are you alright?” Y/N asked, chewing on a piece of meat before setting his utensils on his plate. Roach didn’t respond. His hands twitched on the table. “Gary?”
He looked up and suddenly felt a pang in his chest. Y/N looked so worried for him. For someone who fucked a different man.
“I cheated on you,” he whispered. It was almost inaudible. Y/N thought he heard wrong.
“What?” he asked, eyes scanning his face in hopes of a lie.
“I-” Roach choked, staring back into the eyes of his lover. Was he still allowed to call him that? His mouth was dry as he fought to tell him the truth. “I cheated on you.”
Y/N felt his heart stop. His throat closed up and his face rapidly began burning with… what feeling was this? There’s no way to describe it. Partly embarrassment. Partly shame. Partly betrayal. Mostly horror.
“I slept with someone three days ago,” Roach said, turning to stare at the centre of the table. Y/N whimpered and covered his face with his hands, taking multiple heaving breaths. “I’m so sorry. I’m so-”
“Stop,” Y/N whispered shakily. His shoulders shook violently as he sobbed into his palms.
His eyes burned as he watched Y/N sob near silently in front of him, hunched over in his chair and shaking.
“I didn’t mean to. I was just so lonely, and- and-” he tried to explain, tears welling in his own eyes.
“Please, stop,” he sobbed, pulling his hands away from his face in favour of wrapping his arms around himself
“I’m begging you, Gary.”
“I just-”
“I can’t…” Y/N huffed, his bottom lip quivering. He hung his head and let out a guttural sob. “I can’t,” he whispered.
Roach wiped his eyes and frowned when Y/N stood up, pushing his chair in and taking his plate and wine. He scraped the food into the garbage bin and placed it in the sink before walking away. Roach watched him as he walked into the bathroom and locked it. Maybe he should have waited. Maybe he should have planned more.
Roach cleaned up after both of them before going into their shared bedroom and sitting on the bed. He thought it would be best to wait up for Y/N, but he ended up falling asleep anyway. He dreamt of that mistake, it looming over him like a horrible shadow, and it left him waking up in a cold sweat. The sun was beginning to rise behind the curtains, scaring away the night, but a crow sat on the windowsill. They always know.
He stood from the bed, noticing that Y/N was nowhere to be seen. Panic flooded his mind, and he quickly walked from the bedroom, looking into the living room. He worried when he saw nothing before remembering the bathroom. He walked to the door quietly and hesitated as he raised his fist and knocked lightly.
It was quiet for a long moment before Y/N said quietly, “Come in.”
Roach opened the door. Y/N was sitting in the empty bathtub with the light off. His hands were clasped on his lap. Roach flicked on the light and watched Y/N from the doorway.
Y/N’s eyes were puffy and bloodshot, his face stained with dried tears from sobbing all night. His eyes were fixated on the tile on the wall.
“Who was it?” he finally asked. Roach told him the name of the man, and Y/N simply took in a shaky breath before beginning to cry again. “Of course…”
“What?”
Y/N paused.
“You’ve always looked at him differently,” he said. Roach opened and closed his mouth. “If you want to be with him, it's okay.”
“Why,” Roach began, his head spinning with a headache, “Why aren't you angry? Why won’t you yell at me and cuss me out?”
Y/N turned his head to look at him, their eyes meeting for the first time since the night before.
“Because I love you.”
What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.
You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself
but you killed everyone else around you too.
Well, this is awkward
*Leaves*
Yup, it is
*Leaves as well*
In 2016, I wrote a letter to my mother telling her I am a transgender man. Halfway through it, she crumbled it on the floor, laughed in my face, and verbally berated me. She completely wrote it off, but for my safety after that reaction, I did not press it. It was my first glimpse of seeing that unconditional love might not exist from her.
A year later, I tried again. She told me that she knew what was best for me, and that I simply had to be a girl, according to her life plan. I refused to go by her plan, so was kicked out for one night. The next day, she called me and told me I needed to go to my medication appointment, and since I was a minor, I felt I didn’t have much of a choice. Plus, I didn’t have anywhere else to go but home. In my psychologists office, my mother asked for recommendations for conversion therapists. The doctor was appalled, telling her that was illegal in my state. She continued, asking for recommendations to churches, anyone that could “fix” me. Obviously, she didn’t get any answers that she wanted, so we left and my mental health treatment ended that day. I suffered similar treatment from my grandparents, being told “God gave me a granddaughter, not a grandson.”
My first glimpse of freedom was when I started college in 2018, living on campus. I was able to start hormone therapy, keeping it at a very low dose so changes wouldn’t be noticeable when I went back home on breaks. Being at school was the first time I got to live authentically without constant anxiety. Everyone knew me by my chosen name and used the proper pronouns, I could use the men’s restroom, it was so liberating. Then, in early 2020 that all came crashing down. I was sent back home with no relief in sight, due to, y’know, the thing that happened in 2020. I began to get stress migraines from constantly having to hide my identity and dealing with crippling dysphoria. So, one day in May 2020, I simply left. For weeks I was slowly moving things up to my boyfriends house out of state, then I left, changed my number, and never looked back. I haven’t had contact with anyone in my family since that day over 3 years ago. Not even my little sister, who did her best to be silently supportive. Unfortunately, she had to take my mom’s side to keep herself safe, but I still miss her the most.
Now, I am stable enough to finally get the surgery I have been dreaming about since I was 13. This has been a decade in the making and I have gone through hell to make it a reality. Now, the only barrier is the cost. I have been trying my hardest to spread my link, but with no family support and a very small friend group/social media presence, it is not going well. My surgery is in 2 months and I refuse to let all of my fighting and suffering be in vain.
If you could, please share my fundraiser on any site you feel fit, or just reblog this post. Donations are extremely appreciated as well. Much love to everyone and thank you for letting me share my story ❤️