Gentle Reminders For When You Relapse

You survived the trauma, you will survive the recovery

Enough excuses for parents who abused their kids but “meant the best”. They “meant the best” for themselves, not for the kids. It’s fucking easy to just rely on emotional abuse, threats, humiliation, shame, guilt and violence to get your way and to force your kid to stay in control and to sabotage and fuck up the child’s life so you would feel good about it, and then to just remind yourself “i meant the best” to feel no guilt about doing so whatsoever. Just repeating to yourself “it doesn’t hurt them” and “they deserved it”  while actively forcing your child to keep all the obvious trauma symptoms out of sight or ensuring the child believes it’s their own damn fault for feeling the way they do.

You know what’s not easy? Having your parent force control of your life via emotional abuse, threats, shame, humiliation, violence. Your parent getting into your own head and  gaslighting your senses until you feel worthless and insane and like a monster, until you don’t dare to feel your own feelings, until you’re ashamed of the pain you feel and can’t see yourself as anything other than a horrible burden and nothing you do can ever change that or make you good enough. You know what’s even harder? Still believing that your parent “meant the best” and not even daring to blame them and still being forced to draw the conclusion that it was after all, all your fault, for existing as you do, for being who you are, for not ever being good enough! And then, on top of all of it, hearing the rest of the world agree with the parent’s view, pressuring you to never blame them, to forgive them, to never hold them responsible, to “be better” and understand them, to not ever try to place blame on anyone but yourself because then you’re the monster.

Just. How. Is. One. Supposed. To. Heal. From. That. Healing can’t even begin until the blame is placed on the parent! This person literally benefited from their child’s suffering! They did not get affected negatively from it at all, they didn’t even care, they walked away satisfied and getting what they wanted while the child now has a lifetime of traumatic consequences and mental illness problems! Their freedom is taken away, their quality of life reduced, their relationships and friendships sabotaged, their confidence crushed! They’re placed at extra risk for addictions and obsessions because they keep falling into the black pit of trauma no matter how hard they try to distract and their life is heavy and painful no matter how well they do afterwards! Their brain can’t regulate stress properly anymore! Abuse causes literal brain damage and all this is just so the parents would get their way! And you all still insist they shouldn’t feel guilty about it or be faced with consequences of their abuse? They shouldn’t fucking admit to themselves and to their children what they’ve done? If the truth will kill them, let them die. Abused children’s right to heal comes way before the abusers feeling good about themselves.

When a band announces a world tour.

evolution of moods 1-3am

also vanya!

names related to butterflies, moths, and fireflies:

aruna, adela, ismeria, yara, greta, una, saffron, zephyr, chouko, eilira, parvaneh, calesia, luna, psyche, palmyra, acantha, asteria, isola, paru, mirza, esmeralda, zoumi, saga, kahli, ankova, apollo, thora, galatea, kimko, cayana, sula, malam, rekoa, ocaria, hesperia

“It is better to be unhappy and know the worst, than to be happy in a fool’s paradise.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Idiot (via the-book-diaries)

stab a friend today to commemorate the ides of march

Listen up ragamuffins, I have to say something:

Pain and misery, and Cheryl’s emotionally abusive mother, did NOT make Cheryl Blossom kind. TONI made her kind, because Toni holds Cheryl accountable for her atrocious behavior, instead of giving her a pass just because she has experienced trauma. And Toni held Cheryl accountable because she could see that Cheryl was capable of better, where everyone else just looked at Cheryl and saw a spoiled, damaged girl-child. Toni saw a STRONG WOMAN, capable and deserving of love. LOVE made Cheryl kind, not pain and trauma.

PAIN AND TRAUMA DOESN’T MAKE A PERSON KIND. LOVE IN THE FACE OF PAIN AND TRAUMA MAKES A PERSON KIND.

Dissociation feels

everything is happening 0.5 times too fast

numb

everything but a little bit to the left

Numb™

it feels like Monday the 17th at 3:31pm but also like Saturday at 4:57am

….. existing?

hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

why are the end credits playing I didn’t even hit play

Current emotion is coma

I need to self-harm but I physically cannot move

feeling panic rising up inside but being too numb to physically react

Must Do Thing. Do Not Know What Thing Is.

N҉͏̖͇͕̥ư̷̭̪͇͉̰̱͢ͅḿ͝҉̠̬̘͇̫͇͍̘͜b̴͓͍̱̣

everythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingevery

…I should start a religion

I A M G O D

*vibrating softly* everything in the world is my fault

Numb

Existence Is Fraud

Do I still have legs?

Hey kids, not to be a party pooping adult, but if you start noticing signs of having an addictive personality/tendencies at a young age, be really careful when experimenting with alcohol, marijuana, or nicotine (and other illegal drugs, which I would encourage you to avoid entirely; and medicinal drugs like opioids acquired after a surgery).

Like, if you can't tear yourself away from a video game, even to make it to an important event on time? Addictive tendencies.

If you keep spending your allowance money on those funny collectibles or new shoes even when you promise yourself you're going to save it? Addictive tendencies.

If you find yourself unable to resist and manage food cravings, or frequently overeating even when it makes you feel bad? Addictive tendencies.

Be aware of yourself, kids. Be cautious and don't be anybody's fool. I love you, be safe!