Whatever Was Left, That Was Ours For A While.

Maybe I’m supposed to be alone. But it hurts.

"I felt there was no point in telling anyone anything that was happening inside me."

-Christa Wolf, tr. by Jan Van Heurck, from "Cassandra:A Novel and Four Essays".

The only thing I'm good at is destroying myself

me: *does a little twirl* *blows a kiss* *throws up a peace sign* *turns on my heel*

that was for you, babes ;)

the strangers watching me through my phone camera: …

the eyes in the walls: …

my sentient mirror reflection: …

— Fernando Pessoa , from “The Book of Disquiet.”

ugh i feel so pretty and feminine when i st4rve myself

Cube cat

Love: Rambling #9

18th April 2022, 00:35

There is this girl that I love. She knows that I love her. I met her last summer, and I have loved her since the day we met. She is kind, funny, and she genuinely cares about me. The problem is, this girl lives in Ukraine. She lives in Kharkiv and is directly impacted by the war. I am so terrified something is going to happen to her. For your information, I live in Scotland. However, there are a lot of controversial thoughts I have about this girl. I’ll list them:

1. She’s 17. I don’t really care. 16 is the legal age in the UK. I am 20. The problem is, I like people who are older than me (preferably 25+). I can tell that she is still immature. I can see my 17 year old self in her mannerisms. It’s weird, though, because I’m jealous of her age. I feel like I’m mentally stuck at 17 and I haven’t grown up since. I think this is because I was isolated since I was 14, so I never got the opportunity to socialise and grow up. I know I will forever be 17. I suppose a good thing is that she is taller than me. I like that in a partner, too.

2. She’s very talented. She is brilliant at music and can draw wonderfully, too. Of course, I’m impressed by this and I like to see her work, but at the same time, I am jealous and it makes me feel insecure. I started guitar when I was 4. I was called a prodigy by my guitar instructor, but I never progressed. I was forced to work at the level of my peers. Now, I am only average at guitar. This girl, she attended a musicians school. It’s the same for her art. I bet her parents paid for her to be tutored. Either that, or she had so little worries that she had time to practice properly by herself. I had to work for a living, I didn’t get time to work on the things that I loved. Plus, I’ve never had a damn art lesson in my life. I have so many things that I want to draw, but I can’t draw for the life of me. I know it is just practice, but I don’t have the energy or the time to practice. I keep saying I’ll practice in summer, but we all know how that ends up.

3. She’s not serious. I want to flirt with her. Whenever I do, it’s always brushed off with a joke. It’s frustrating. I want her to smirk at my words. I want her to feel flustered. I want her to make me feel the same. I want to feel that ache in my chest when she says something hot. Not even sexual, just romantic or flirtatious. Though, I really do like making out. I want to make out with her, but that’s something I cannot suggest because it will scare her away.

4. She is asexual. Don’t get me wrong, I support people who are asexual, but fucking hell. What am I supposed to do? I’m not asexual. I want to touch her. I want to trace her body. I want to kiss the back of her neck. I want to make her stare at me while I walk. I want her to feel me. I want her to love every aspect of me. And, again, not even sexually. I want to skim her body like ripples on the ocean. I want to count the freckles on her skin. I want to see her nude to appreciate the beauty of her body. I can’t ever ask for something like this because she in asexual, and I cannot stand rejection. I still have hope that she will change, or that I can turn her sexual, or that she just hasn’t tried being sexual with a ‘female’ before. When I was 17, I thought I was asexual, too. I hope this is just a phase. I want her to love me. Love me hard.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)