Zainab Aamir

Roleplay: Rambling #20

21st April 2022, 21:46

I think I know why I like roleplaying so much. It’s like I can escape into a different reality and become somebody entirely else. I can make friends and lovers. I can be in a fantasy world with powers and dragons. I can be the centre of attention. When I roleplay, I can switch of this prison of a world and forget all the horrible things that are happening to me. When I roleplay, I don’t feel so alone. I love the people I roleplay with, the ones that are genuinely good at writing, because they create these wonderful worlds and situations for me to be in. They give me an escape, and I’m forever grateful. I have roleplayed for many years and it has never gotten boring to me. I enjoy being loved. I enjoy being beautiful. I simply enjoy being.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

how do you tell someone “i’m not ignoring you i’m just disconnected from reality right now and the days are all blurred together and i feel completely apathetic towards everyone/everything around me so it’s really hard for me to maintain a conversation” without saying that

on art and suffering

Edvard Munch, Jen Mazza, Yun Hyong-keun, Richard Siken, Anaïs Nin, Lisa Wright, Vincent van Gogh, Edvard Munch, Aldous Huxley

buy me a coffee

I'm tired of hearing it's gonna be okay.

I just want it to be okay.

Psalm 58:6

Slowly coming to the conclusion that no amount of love or reassurance can heal what has already been done to me. I seriously think I have met too many people in my life that fucked me up so bad, I simply will never be able to trust anyone anymore.

Appetite: Rambling #17

19th April 2022, 14:52

My mum said that I’m getting my appetite back because I ate chocolate after dinner. It was Easter chocolate. Easter chocolate that she had bought for me. What do you want me to do? Just leave it until the due by date has gone by? Chocolate lasts for ages. Plus, what’s wrong with me wanting a little chocolate? I’m definitely more of a savoury person, but it’s nice to have chocolate every now and then. Especially during the Easter season. Also, the thing people forget is that I never lost my appetite. I was always hungry. I just never ate. Food is amazing, but it’s also the bane of my existence. I feel as though my entire life is based around my food. Counting calories. Starving myself. Throwing up. Eating too much. Checking my weight. Reading mean-spo. I just want to be able to eat food without feeling like it is going to ruin my appearance.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Showering with open cuts hurt like hell

I want to destroy everything. I want to ruin my life, smash glass bottles agaisnt walls, run away into the night and get in trouble, scream and yell at the top of my lungs, get into fist fights, and stand up for myself. I want to be so so angry and loud about how awful I feel that everyone realizes that I was never okay, and I was never going to be okay, and that they left me behind to suffer. But I'm too tired. I'm too tired to move, to think. I just want to lay in bed all day and ignore the world. I just slap on a neutral face and do as I'm told. I wish I could be so angry about how sick I've become, but instead I keep quietly to myself, and live another miserable tired day.