My Mom: You Have To Find Different Coping Skills Than Cutting

Minor inconvenience:

Me: how about i end up in the fucking hospital how about that

Margaret Atwood, from “Europe on $5 a Day”, The Door

— Franz Kafka, “The Metamorphosis and Other Stories”

Daddy Issues: Rambling #10

18th April 2022, 00:46

Rambling 10. How coincidental that I write about my father on the same number that is my birthday. Anyway, I have a problem that is very taboo. It concerns incest. I believe my father may have molested me as a child, but I cannot remember. My father did a lot of sketchy, sexual things when I was younger, but I can never remember them directly. My sister believes the same. It can’t just be my imagination. He did something, I just wish I could uncover what. I know it is my brain protecting me, but I just crave to know. I hate being none the wiser to things. I digress, that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is now, whenever I’m masturbating, I picture my father raping me when I’m a child of maybe 6 or 7 years old. I like to pretend he’s touching me and comforting me that it’s “okay” and that “what I’m feeling is normal”. I pretend that he gets hard at the thought of me. I know what his penis looks like, I remember it hanging out his boxers when he was sleeping. I also remember momentarily touching myself to the sight of it, but stopping from the taboo. I don’t know what it is about my father that turns me on. I know it’s definitely a stockholm type of symptom, a consequence of sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m not attracted to my father. He’s fat and ugly. Nothing, not a single thing, about him is attractive to me. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him overpowering me, or putting his penis in me while I’m sleeping. Whenever I have these thoughts, and especially if I cum to them, I have to wash myself afterwards. Sometimes I wash myself so many times that my skin turns red and blotchy. I feel disgusting. I feel like he has taken my virginity and yet, to my knowledge, I’m a virgin. Why is my mind corrupted by him like this? I haven’t seen him in years. The power he has over me is astounding. I wish he would just die both physically and inside my head. Leave me alone. Leave my body alone. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

when is someone going to confess that they’re obsessed with me

Sleep: Rambling #6

17th April 2022, 02:23

I never seem to sleep anymore, and when I do sleep, I wake up every hour. I have nightmare after nightmare - they’re usually about my sister. I also seem to hallucinate a lot around the time I’m supposed to sleep/wake up (that’s probably just because I’m sleep deprived, though I would like to not see tarantulas crawling up my wall for once). I’m taking 20mg of Amitriptyline, but it feels like I’m taking sugar pills. They’re supposed to help my Fibromyalgia and help me fall asleep, but I’m still in pain and I’m still wide awake. I wonder what it is like to get good quality sleep. I feel like I would be able to get so much done. I have so many ambitions and dreams, but I can barely get out of bed without collapsing. My body is giving up on me. My brain is giving up on me. Life is giving up on me. I don’t know what to try anymore. If anybody would like to knock me out with a baseball bat, please go ahead.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Roleplay: Rambling #20

21st April 2022, 21:46

I think I know why I like roleplaying so much. It’s like I can escape into a different reality and become somebody entirely else. I can make friends and lovers. I can be in a fantasy world with powers and dragons. I can be the centre of attention. When I roleplay, I can switch of this prison of a world and forget all the horrible things that are happening to me. When I roleplay, I don’t feel so alone. I love the people I roleplay with, the ones that are genuinely good at writing, because they create these wonderful worlds and situations for me to be in. They give me an escape, and I’m forever grateful. I have roleplayed for many years and it has never gotten boring to me. I enjoy being loved. I enjoy being beautiful. I simply enjoy being.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)