Snatch: Rambling #19
Snatch: Rambling #19
21st of April 2022, 21:41
I had a strange experience last night. I was at my friend’s flat. There was the four of us. I had my friend’s phone and he said that I could go on it. I asked if I could look through his notes. He said no and that there was something he didn’t like in there. He told me it was about another friend of ours (who wasn’t in the apartment) that he was talking cruelly about as the other friend had been immature and recalcitrant. I have OCD, so if I find out about something, I need to know what it is. It will continue to annoy me for the rest of my life. I could be on my death bed, ninety years of age, and still wonder what the secret was. I tried to convince him to show me, but he found this annoying and snatched the phone away from me. It was a rough snatch. I immediately shut up. I feel like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Tears pricked my eyes. I was annoying. This was proof that I was annoying. And the way he had snatched the phone, it reminded me of my father and older sister’s abuse towards me. I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to be sick. I was quiet for the rest of the night. They played a film and it was really dark. I had tears streaming down my face and I refused to sit with them. Nobody cared. Nobody truly tried to make sure I was okay. During that moment, I messaged the girl I loved. I said a tonne of stupid things, things that will inevitably push her away. She probably thinks I am so pathetic and annoying. God, I hate expressing weakness. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I should just not care about things. Curiosity killed the Bakeneko, after all. It is so frustrating. I seem to ruin all my relationships and I push people away with my awful idiosyncrasies. Why do I do this? Why can I not just have stable relationships? The worst part, though, was when the lights turned back on and I had to pretend I was okay. I am never okay. I feel like my head is being held underwater, or like there is a boulder resting on my chest. I am stuck in this eternal purgatory of making relationships and ruining relationships. I am so weak. Weaker than I want to be. I wish I didn’t feel anything at all. I wish I was cold.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
More Posts from Tokidokioki and Others
Yet I still want some kind of contact. Yet I am the one who can’t let go —into complete silence, which seems so unthinkable. What keeps me? Is it devotion or addiction? Is it the need for intimacy, or the proof that I can survive some kind of violence?
— Yanyi, from “Affirmation,” Dream of the Divided Field
on art and suffering
Edvard Munch, Jen Mazza, Yun Hyong-keun, Richard Siken, Anaïs Nin, Lisa Wright, Vincent van Gogh, Edvard Munch, Aldous Huxley
buy me a coffee
how do you tell someone “i’m not ignoring you i’m just disconnected from reality right now and the days are all blurred together and i feel completely apathetic towards everyone/everything around me so it’s really hard for me to maintain a conversation” without saying that
Purple: Rambling #2
16th April 2022, 23:42
Well, I suppose I should start with one of my bad thoughts. There is this girl in my class who is the embodiment of a queen bee. I absolutely loathe her. Not only is she self-centred, she is patronising and slanderous. I am sick and tired of being slandered. I know I think of bad things, but I never enact them. She is a vile human being. Her personality makes me want to shoot staples through my eyeballs. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She is so unbelievably narcissistic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly narcissistic myself, but I deserve to be. The way I see things is that because I have had so much wrongdoing to me, I am allowed to be egotistical. I tried to be a good person, I tried to be nice, and what did I get in return? I got kicked to the dirt. I am not dirt. I am better than every other human being. I will do anything to achieve my full potential even if it is to the detriment of others. This girl, however, is nothing but bacteria. In fact, that’s offensive to bacteria. This girl is a waste of space and that’s saying something because the universe is humongous. This girl wastes human resources. She wastes food, she wastes energy, she wastes water, she wastes the air that we breathe. There is nothing magnificent about her. She would be doing the world a favour if she died. I hope she does. I would love to watch it myself. I would love to wrap both my hands around her neck and watch the flame slowly burn out behind her eyes. I want to see the fear in those eyes with my reflection prominent across. I want her to gag, to choke, for her tears to congeal with the snot from her nose. I would sit on top of her and use the sole of my boots to keep her wrists pinned down. I would strangle her until her face turned purple. God, isn’t purple such a lovely colour? She should have known better than to mess with me. Too many people have messed with me. There is only so much more I can handle before I finally snap. It would be so wonderful to watch her die, to watch her feel the pain that she inflicted onto me. How dare she pain me? The audacity she has to even look in my direction! I am above her. She is nothing but a worm. Karma is coming.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
pretending to be interested in anything but myself is exhausting.
something mildly annoying about someone expressing emotions so much. be hollow.like me . wdym ur happy no ur not
Cube cat
DEAD DOVE RP FINDER
Hello, as you can probably tell by the title, I am depraved and need my writing to reflect this.
CCXCC MXM ONLY
DISCORD ONLY
I would like to do something where our characters are extremely toxic for one another, but cannot stand to be away from each other. I’m talking real dead dove tropes here; think grape, kidnapping, stalking, non-con, dub-con, sewerslide attempts, self-knife (or mutual self-knife), age gaps, underage, illegal, drugs, drink, ABO, forced Mpreg, 1nc3st, everything bad you can possibly think of. If we do go down the underage/ABO route, I would prefer to be the underage/O character, however I would still prefer that both of our characters are switches as I believe this makes the plot more dynamic and interesting.
I’m currently interested in writing dead dove for these fandoms. The character I would like to write will be in bold:
Genshin Impact:
Kazuha x Scaramouche
Razor x Bennett (or anyone to be honest)
Xingqiu x Chongyun
Gorou x Heizou (or anyone)
Tighnari x Cyno
Yuri on Ice:
Yuri P x Otabek
Overwatch:
Hanzo x Cassidy
Hanzo x Genji
Like this post or send me a message and we can get to plotting something together!
