Wat

Literacy journal #1

what kind of reading and writing and speaking activities did you do after school? for church? for play? did you keep a diary? write plays or stories? write letters? frequent chat rooms online? write fanfiction?

growing up i struggled with reading assignments for school, mostly with reading out loud. however outside of school I was reading nonstop, I was reading above what my teachers thought I could. now when I ask my mom about it, she said that what we were reading in class was boring to me and that is why I never wanted to read the assigned books. 

it wasn't until our 3rd grade class was taken to the library that I started to be more confident in reading at school, I was in there every day before classes and during lunch. the librarian introduced me to the world of harry potter, warrior cats, and maximum ride. I loved to read so much that I had teachers telling me to stop reading during classes.

this love for reading continued into my middle school life, I became fast friends with the librarian at that school and was in there inbetween classes while also eating lunch in there- which we weren't allowed to do without special permission from the librarian. I read every book in the 6-7th grade section, then while my mom worked after school in the nurses office across the school, I got permission to read in that schools library while waiting for her to finish work. I was able to read the books in the 8th grade area that I wasn't able to read in my schools library.

one of my favorite things that happened was in 7th grade, I had history class first block. before that class I would ask my teacher if I could run to drop off my library books and get new ones, as the library was right across the hall and he could see me actively talking to the librarian. this is how he knew I wasn't just trying to skip class. then the next day I would ask him again, it got to the point that he told me that it would be ok for me to miss morning announcements to stay in the library a little longer. and near the end of the year he gave me my very own pass to the library and said that I wouldn't need to ask anymore, but his only rule was that I had to tell him about the books and if I would recommend them.

I think that this experience as well as my parents saying that they would get me any book I wanted as long as I continued to read. books became a way to escape the world around me, as a child with high anxiety and awkwardness. I made friends by reading and found a community that I wasn't afraid to express myself in. to this day I continue to read, although I have expanded my genres. 

You are not a bad person for having used escapism as a coping mechanism when you were younger. You are not at fault for why you did. You did what you needed to in order to survive. It is not your fault you ended up developing it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. You were a child who needed to survive and cope.

Late night walks hit different when u feel empty and suicidal

new project!!

here’s a little sneak peak to my next crochet project, I’m freehanding it based on a picture I found on Pinterest. I am trying to find the original poster of the picture so that I can give them credit for their pictures/crochet pieces.

soo

I may have relapsed back into my Ana ways:/ like I don’t hate that I’m eating better cuz not only do I have more energy, my skin has cleared up too. I’m mostly sad that I feel bloated all the time and like I gained a bijillion pounds.

but in all honesty a lot has gone on these past few weeks, and it’s part to why I haven’t been posting on here.

Tw..

a guy that I though was my friend sexually assaulted me and 8 other girls on my college campus, we were able to get no contact orders against him, but that is “all” my school can do. I have him blocked on everything, including tumblr. I’m not going to go into detail about what he did exactly, but it is one reason I’m dipping back into ED tumblr.

xoxo- daphie luv

Things I'm good at :

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• feeling like a burden and bed rotting

I feel this way a lot, especially as someone who never thought I was gonna live to be 18. But it’s crazy to me realizing that I was 13 and 14 when I really thought that way, honestly I still do feel that way. And the only thing keeping me going on in this shitty country is that it would cause a whole lotta problems for my family if I did die, especially this far along in my life.

sometimes the feeling of wanting to unalive myself are super strong, other times it sneaks up on me- especially when someone says something that might not seem so big to them, but actually really hurts me, happens and next thing I now I’m suddenly super quiet and thinking that they would be a lot happier if I wasn’t in the picture-.

sometimes i just get hit with the feeling

i wasnt supposed to make it this far

also what do i do now

forgot to post this yesterday lol

Breakfast: skipped

Lunch

Broccoli 20

Steak teriyaki 120

Rice 110

Dinner: skipped

Total 250

That's a fact

At this rate, they'll find me dead in my room any day now. And the worst thing is that nothing in their lives would change in the slightest.