Peeling Back The Anxious Thoughts Is The Toughest Part, But It Helps So Much, Especially When You Write

The part where I pretend

Gravity is a strange concept So many times I promised I’ll stop falling for what’s above me Like a fool, a slave of my heart Quixotic desires, shameless hunger Always longing for you Always paying the price.

I suppose this is the part where I pretend you mean nothing My feelings aren’t real You’re never on my mind Truth is it hurts to say All I see is you, Each and every time I close my eyes.

We’re from different worlds, I know But you should see my face and how it smiles When you’re around How you make the sun shine differently How every word you speak writes poetry How do I tell my heart I can’t have you Because it’s killing me?

I suppose this is the part where I pretend I don’t care You’re holding someone else’s hand I’m fine, moving on with life Truth is it hurts to say I love you, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.

I keep pretending just to get through the day Fake a smile, no one knows what I feel I tell myself I don’t love you I show the world I don’t need you But deep inside I know the truth It’s crazy to think I didn’t even lose you Because you were never mine.

~ A. A. Roman

what I mean by “all the time caffeinated”

April 4th, 2023

I had to take a short break from my PhD because I had so much work to do for my actual job. Now I'm using my holidays to make some progress...

solitude

I really like the word “smitten”. because at first glance you just think of sappy lovey-dovey stuff but also you have to remember this is a word that’s born of the word “smite.” a devastating word. a word that, summarized, means stricken. smitten means stricken as well — struck with devastating affection.

A gentle reminder for when things don’t feel okay. The sun will shine on you, and the moon will smile at you, and things will feel okay again with time. ♡

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(Ecclesiastes 7: 10)

Your best years are always the years in front of you, never behind. Besides, God is the God of "new things" and each new day is a brand new blessing.

writing is just reverse Pictionary. put a little picture from your brain into another brain. no drawing allowed

October has been still, quiet and just the same each day almost like being stuck in a groundhog day; and yet very quick and headlong. There have been days where it got very difficult, the wait and the delays can be painful and gruelling. All one can do is keep going. Consuming fiction has been helpful. Though I don't have much thought to add, I wish I did. But I don't. It's like I am blank, and just floating through time, like a dandelion, waiting to land and then grow into a whole new plant. We can always lean on the art we consume for support, Frankenstein has been the perfect start to this Autumn season. Victor Frankenstein's ambitions and intellect, curiosity and immersion take us on a journey about obsessions and regrets and how we should refrain from playing God, the monster's innocent, child-like curiosity about the world and its people was a treat, and its transition into anger and vengeance, and lost innocence was just as tragic, all he wanted was to be loved and accepted. The true villain of the story was fallible human obsession with glory, that led to such wretched state of affairs. Jo March will never not be my comfort character. Her struggles and journey as someone who wants a thing of her own and be good at it, and make something out of it; the difficult emotions she faces as an older sibling who can't escape situations like a younger sibling has the privilege to; her periods of quiescence where she had to put her passions on hold and felt stuck, and questioned everything, or thought to almost give up, and therefore give in for the need of love to the wrong person will always, always resonate with me. And Suzume, Ah! Just watched it today and loved, loved it. Ending this entry with a quote from Suzume, as a note to myself because God knows how much I needed to hear it today. 16-year-old Suzume meets her younger 4-year-old self and tells her,

‘How do I say this, listen Suzume. No matter how sad you are right now, one day you'll grow up. So, don't worry. The future is not that scary. You’ll meet many people whom you will cherish, and you will meet many people who will cherish you, too. It might be tough moving forward. The night may seem endless right now, but one day morning will come. You will grow up basking in that light. I'm sure of it. It's written in the stars.’

You will grow up basking in that light.

(God willing)

the right people won’t make you feel shitty for having bad days