Thesemidnightthoughtss - Midnight Thoughts

i’ve been suicidal for so long that i’ve just been assuming i wouldn’t live even as long as i have so i never thought about anything long term and now i have no idea what i’m going to do and i’m more afraid to live than i ever was to die

I’m starting to care less and less about how people would feel if I didn’t wake up tomorrow.

I don’t want to hurt people with my death

Instead I hurt myself with my existence

Fun Fact: I can’t do this anymore

I’m not sure which hurts more. The one word replies, the one sided conversations, the glaringly obvious lack of interest and effort. Or not hearing from you at all.

Some realizations I had in the last few days

— I’m never going to be good enough to make anyone stay

— I’m needy and pathetic, clingy and annoying. No one wants that

— I’m so inconsequential that I’m not even worth being told by people that they don’t want to talk to me

— there’s something terribly repulsive and unlovable about me

— my sadness will be the only thing that will be there for me so I need to hold on to it

— happiness isn’t for me

— I need to stop trying and accept my fate of dying alone. Let’s face it, why would anyone want me

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you connect with someone they will never be as attached to you as you are to them?

Don’t tell me I’ll find someone else. Don’t tell me someone will love me someday. Please don’t give me that hope. I want to believe it more than anything. Knowing me, I’ll give in and try again. But heartbreak is inevitable. And I don’t have it in me to have my heart broken again. I won’t make it if it happens again. So let me stay safe, doesn’t matter if I’m alone. At least I’ll survive.

So please don’t say it. Because I’m doing everything I can to never believe in it again.

If I could stop living right this second without hurting anyone I’d fucking do that shit