Perhaps The Fact That I Chased A Boy Who Ripped Me To Shreds Says A Lot More About Me Than It Did About

Is there a word to describe “i’m trying my absolute fucking hardest and it’s not good enough”

“My heart gets sad sometimes. I’m not really sure why. It just starts to ache and my body begins to feel hollow. My mind wanders. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to. But I can’t help it. My heart just feels heavy.”

— You asked why I was so quiet

Can you please end this if you don’t want me? Because I can’t. I can’t do it. I won’t be able to forgive myself for ending it if we had a chance. And some part of me desperately clings to that tiny chance. Maybe it’s all in my head. I don’t know which it is. So please just do it. Because I can’t make sense of what you want anymore. It’s an earnest request, leave me if you want to.

Just put me out of my misery.

Some realizations I had in the last few days

— I’m never going to be good enough to make anyone stay

— I’m needy and pathetic, clingy and annoying. No one wants that

— I’m so inconsequential that I’m not even worth being told by people that they don’t want to talk to me

— there’s something terribly repulsive and unlovable about me

— my sadness will be the only thing that will be there for me so I need to hold on to it

— happiness isn’t for me

— I need to stop trying and accept my fate of dying alone. Let’s face it, why would anyone want me

I crave intimacy... but I don’t want temporary people touching my mind, body, or soul.