"Nobody's Home"

I gotta keep the calm before the storm

I don't want less, I don't want more

Must bar the windows and the doors

To keep me safe, to keep me warm

Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for

Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore

And my voice becomes the driving force

I won't let this pull me overboard.

God, keep my head above water

Don't let me drown, it gets harder

I'll meet you there at the altar

As I fall down to my knees

Don't let me drown, drown, drown

Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown

So pull me up from down below

'Cause I'm underneath the undertow

Come dry me off and hold me close

I need you now, I need you most.

And I can't see in the stormy weather

I can't seem to keep it all together

And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever

And I can't breathe

God, keep my head above water

I lose my breath at the bottom

Come rescue me, I'll be waiting

I'm too young to fall asleep…

My life has been extremely empty because of my father's passing. I still can't believe that he left us just a few days ago.That word is so strange... he left us... well, my father passed away and now all the sounds inside the house have gone with him is a huge silence.In 2023, I also lost my mother, an immense pain that accumulates and continues to reflect within me. It's strange to deal with grief, because it's a feeling of unhappiness that autistic people like me, I believe, don't understand very well. Today I wrote in my diary... the initials were... I wish everything were different, I wish... I feel that this pain and grieving will continue in my heart forever, I just wish it were less painful, I wish it hurt less.

But, When I'm with her, I feel different, I feel better, I feel like a child being welcomed, taken from the corner of the wall and placed on the lap for comfort.

Have you ever stopped to listen to the birds singing? When I'm with her I feel like the birds are singing all the time… it's like I can touch the air and see all the beauty around, behind the colors of the world. Lately I've been seeing a lot of grays and it hurts but when I'm by her side I see an immense pantheon of colors, there's not so much pain... Then I reflect inside of my heart, life was made for losses and sadness, but in the beauty of love it's possible to be happy even when you're hurt.

In all the world has no heart for me like yours, in all the world has no love for you like mine.

Sometimes I feel that the world is too big for me, sometimes I feel that I don’t fit in this immensity beauty, some part of me just wants to feel it all and the other part of me wants to end and also die.

The world is beautiful and is sad too, I keep observing outside hoping to feel a certain wish of life, feeling the wind through my window, observing the birds that makes me feel that I have the chance to fly far away, the chance to hit the sky and going far from where my eyes can see.

Few days ago I was thinking about Uzumaki Naruto, a quote that I wrote on my journey book diary, it says- “ If you don't like your destiny, don't accept it. Instead, have the courage to change it the way you want it to be." This quote emphasizes the importance of actively shaping one's life and not passively accepting predetermined outcomes. It suggests that I have the domain to change my destiny and my path and create the future that I desire deep in my heart ♥️ But, is that possible that my deepest desires might happen? I keep looking outside of my window and wishing it to happen, the birds still flying….

messy stuff

loneliness

Everything is just so beautiful and so short…

My life may not be perfect but at least I’m not attracted to men.