Most Of The Time I Do Not Love My Family, I Do Not Cherish The Hurt And Fear They Forced Me Into, But

most of the time i do not love my family, I do not cherish the hurt and fear they forced me into, but on some days we all come together and we cook and eat and play and i see my little cousins and nieces and nephews and i realise I am now my mother, my aunts, my grandmas, i remember when I was little and my much older cousins would lift me up and toss me in the air and shake me around and I would tell and giggle and love and admire them because they were so much bigger, older, stronger, wiser, and now that I am the age they were at the time i realise they were not any less of a bunch of kids than I was, and i do not feel big, or old, or strong, or wise, except for when I hold the children's little hands as they run around and ask big questions and I know that role is mine now, and i want it and cherish it and it comes so natural, and i say the same words and do the same things and play the same pranks and tell the same jokes, and i feel that maybe if these kids are safe and happy and at peace, then my scared, traumatised little self can rest too, maybe she can heal playing with them, and maybe I wasn't the horrible, unlovable monster they convinced me I was, maybe I was no different than my little niece sitting in the sand and starlight and asking me why the sea is yellow, because she doesn't yet know that there is no magic in the light from the lampposts reflecting on the water.