Covert AU

*holds this oh so very gently*

CWs: thoughts of suicide, suicide attempt

-

There are no stars here.

There were stars in the country. You remember staring up at them on nights when you couldn't sleep, getting lost in the constellations until your eyes got heavy enough to stay closed. Here, though, when you look up, there's just… darkness. An endless expanse of nothing. Almost like the stars themselves decided it wasn't worth it anymore to stick around. Light pollution, smog, yeah yeah, you know. But maybe… maybe the stars just decided to leave. To start fresh.

Or maybe… they decided to finally rest.

The wind cuts through your thin jacket, chilling your skin. Your feet sway where they hang in the air, over the side of the roof, and when you lean forward, peering down at the city below, you think you should be feeling some sort of vertigo. A bit of fear, maybe. Instead you feel… nothing. Just cold, and stiff, and tired.

You miss the stars. But you understand why they left.

The city is a blur of light and movement. There are thousands of people down there, even now, at this late hour, going about their lives. It's so busy here. Always busy and bustling and alive in a way that doesn't come naturally to you.

Out of place. That's what you are. That's what you've always been. But not for much longer.

“What are you doing?” a voice stage-whispers nearby. You inhale sharply, whirling around to see… nothing. You scan the empty roof, eyes wide, your heart lodged in your throat. There shouldn't be anyone up here. You checked to make sure when you first came up, and there had been no one. If someone had come through the door, you would've heard the heavy, ancient thing creaking on its hinges, and the ladder is to your right, so you would've seen if someone came up the fire escape. So there shouldn't be anyone up here.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I know this is weird or whatever,” the voice continues. It sounds like… a guy. Honestly, he sounds like a fucking dork, with the way he's whispering so loudly. “It's just that, like, Leo would kill me if I let myself get seen, but you've been here for a while and it's pretty late, or- I don't know, early? Whatever, but I had to check on you, y'know? So, like, are you good?”

…This is weird. Right? Yeah, this is definitely weird. The guy, wherever he is, doesn't… sound like someone you need to worry about, though. Something about the way he talks makes you feel like… talking back.

“I'm good,” you say slowly, the words feeling foreign in your mouth. You twist around further, still scanning the empty roof for signs of movement. “How did you… get up here?”

“Uhhhhhh same way you did?”

Okay so he's a terrible liar. Despite everything, it makes the corner of your mouth twitch upward. “Right. Sure.” You scoot back and swing both legs back up so you can stand, your muscles protesting from sitting still for so long. You take a few steps away from the ledge, peering around you. “And where are you exactly?”

His voice goes from a stage whisper to a cheesy imitation of a ghost, and yeah, okay, this is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you, but you can't help laughing when he croons, “I'm a hallucinaaatioooon.”

“Uh huh. A hallucination.” There are a few vents on the roof. You start to walk between them, circling each one in the hope that you'll find this guy crouched behind one, but no such luck. “A hallucination that will get in trouble with the big boss for being seen? Is that what you said?”

“Pshhhh Leo isn't the boss of me. Well, I- I guess like sort of, in a way, but not like- I mean- Dad is the- okay, no, we were talking about you. What are you doing up here? Aren't you cold?”

You cross your arms, feeling a bit petulant at the question, though you're not sure why. Yes, you're cold. But it's… fine. “Are you cold?”

“Answering a question with a question, huh?” You hear a nervous chuckle from… somewhere. “Donnie does that when I'm being- oh shit, am I bothering you right now? I am, aren't I? I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'll- sorry, I'll let you get back to, uh, sitting.”

“No!” You reach out a hand toward nothing, feeling more than a little silly as you continue to look around you in vain. The roof is still empty. “No, please, I…”

You… what? Want to keep talking? Missed feeling seen? Maybe he is a hallucination. Maybe this is your brain's last attempt at stopping you. But… it's true. You do want to keep talking.

That's just pathetic, isn't it? Sad, lonely little girl, wanting to be seen so badly that she'll hallucinate someone to ask if she's okay. There's no one here. You're alone.

You're alone.

Everything you had been feeling before you came up here returns, all at once, like a crashing wave, smothering you beneath the crushing pressure. Your throat tightens. Your lungs burn. There's a fog in your mind and a black hole in your chest and you're shivering but it's not from the cold.

…You've put this off long enough. It's time to stop pretending.

Your shoes scuff against the roof as you approach the ledge. A gust of wind makes you sway dangerously, and you think you hear the voice again, but the roaring in your ears is too loud.

Just one more step. One more step. One more. Just. Just-

Something yanks you by the arm, and you stumble backward, bumping into something big and solid. You're wildly disoriented for a few seconds, still getting your feet steady beneath you, and then you look up to see…

Okay. You're definitely hallucinating.

“What are you doing?!” The man (??) asks, frantic concern etched into every line of his face.

His face. Green skin. No hair. And no ears, and more of a snout than a nose, and a- a mask over his eyes? For some reason? You're officially losing it.

The man snaps his fingers - there are fewer than there should be, you notice - in your face, and his other hand rests on your shoulder, holding you in place. “Focus on me, angel, okay? Can you hear me? Are you okay? What were you doing?”

He's talking so fast you don't even get a chance to answer each question before he's asking the next. You stand there, watching him fret, and Jesus, he's huge. With a big… something? On his back? A shell? You look him up and down and back up again before you finally find your voice.

“Are you a turtle?”

He stops moving, going quiet, and seems to suddenly realize something. His expression turns sheepish, almost afraid, and he pulls his hands back to fidget with them in front of his stomach. You feel unmoored without the weight of his hand on your shoulder. “Yeah, actually. I am. Sorry, I… guess I should've… I'm… I'm Mikey.”

Mikey. There's no way this is real. Still, it feels rude to not introduce yourself in turn. Mikey seems to relax when you tell him your name, but the concern returns quickly, and this time when he speaks, he does so quietly.

“What were you doing?”

Is this… your brain trying to… get you to face what you're trying to do? Somehow? You know what you're trying to do. You've been thinking about it for months. Where were these hallucinations before you quit your job? Before you sold nearly everything you own and let your lease run out and cut off the few people who have tried to make a connection with you since you moved here? You're so tired. You're so…

“You know what I was doing, Mikey.”

There's silence as you stare at each other. You watch his expression shift from confusion to dread to sadness. He looks from you to the edge of the roof and back, and his eyes start to water, and you can't, you can't, you can't do this. That's not fair. It's not fair for your mind to come up with a giant turtle man and then make you feel bad for him being sad. That's fucking ridiculous!

…But you do. Feel bad. Mikey looks lost, and scared, and sad - and you hate it.

“Sorry,” you murmur.

Mikey makes an aborted movement with his arms, then shakes his head. He opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens it again. “Can I hug you?”

Well, now, this really is pathetic, isn't it? When was the last time someone hugged you? Is your brain that desperate for comfort?

…What do you have to lose?

As soon as you nod, Mikey puts his arms around you and pulls you close. His arms shake, just a little, but you feel secure in his hold. Your cheek rests against his chest, and it's… oddly firm. Textured. Warmer than the air, but still a bit cool to the touch. You can feel his chest moving as he breathes. It feels so real. And you… you don't want him to let go.

It's pathetic, fine, sure, whatever, you don't care, but when you start to sob and he only holds you tighter, you're so, so thankful that he's here.

You let yourself cry. He stays quiet, a steady presence that keeps you grounded, and when your sobs turn to sniffles, he's still holding you. It still feels real. It can't be real, it can't be, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck everything. You really, truly, do not care. It feels good to be held. It feels good to be seen. To be… cared for. Your brain can hallucinate whatever it wants at this point, as long as Mikey is there, too.

When he starts to pull back, you cling to him. Embarrassing. Whatever. He stops pulling away though, holding you close again.

“Do you want me to take you home?” he asks.

“Don't have one anymore.”

“Oh. My bad.”

For some reason, that makes you smile. Your hallucination, which manifested because you were going to kill yourself, is apologizing for not knowing that you were homeless, which you did in preparation for said killing of said self. Yeah, no, that's funny. That's fucking hilarious.

Maybe you're a little sleep deprived, actually.

“Can I…” Mikey hesitates, his fingers tapping against where he's still holding you. “Do you maybe want to stay with me? For tonight? It's pretty late, so… you'll need a place to sleep, yeah? N-Not that I was, like, saying that- I mean, I'll take the couch obviously, so-”

Oh my god. He'd be sort of adorable if he were real. You let him stumble over his words for juuust a little longer before putting him out of his misery. “That sounds nice, Mikey.”

“Ye-Yeah? Okay. Okay. Cool. So I'll. Um.”

You yelp as he shifts his arms and picks you up like it's nothing, carrying you bridal-style. You look up at him with wide eyes, and he smiles hesitantly down at you. “Ready?”

You blink. Ready for… what? But, as you've already clearly established in your head, you're done questioning things. So. You nod.

“Alright. Uh. Don't freak out. Here we go.”

Don't freak- JESUS CHRIST. The air whips past you as he sprints across the roof and leaps into the fucking air. For a split second you're sure that you actually did step off the roof, that the hallucination has finally ended and it was just your brain scrambling to make shit up in the moment before you plummeted to your death - but then you feel the impact of Mikey landing on something and continuing his sprint. Then it happens again, a leap and a free fall and another impact, and then it happens again, and you realize he's- he's jumping between roofs. Carrying you across the city from way up here. How-

Nope. Nope. Not asking questions. Doesn't matter. He's got you. That's what matters. You press closer, loosely curling your fingers around a leather strap that's crossing over his chest. Another leap, and you think you're sort of, kind of, maybe getting used to it. There's a sort of rhythm to it, and you let yourself relax. You wonder if the rhythm is soothing or if you're just that exhausted. You wonder if any part of this is real. You wonder if you're falling asleep or falling to your death.

It doesn't matter, you decide. Either way, you'll finally be able to rest.

Always wanted to do an ask game, and I do love mah boys. So if y’all have any questions, feel free to fire away!

In honor of TMNT's 40th Anniversary, here are 40 questions for people to send you about TMNT!

~~ Background ~~

1.) What was your first exposure to TMNT?

2.) What was your first exposure to [TMNT iteration]?

3.) What was your first impression of [TMNT iteration]?

4.) When did you become a fan of TMNT?

5.) Which iterations are you familiar with?

6.) Do you own any TMNT merchandise?

~~ Favorites ~~

7.) Which iteration is your favorite?

8.) Which turtle is usually your favorite?

9.) Who is your favorite version-specific turtle?

10.) Which version of Leonardo is your favorite?

11.) Which version of Raphael is your favorite?

12.) Which version of Donatello is your favorite?

13.) Which version of Michelangelo is your favorite?

14.) Which version of Splinter is your favorite?

15.) Which version of April is your favorite?

16.) Which version of Casey is your favorite?

17.) Which version of the Shredder is your favorite?

18.) Who is your favorite villain?

19.) Who is your favorite ally?

20.) Which theme song is your favorite?

21.) What is your favorite story arc?

22.) What is your favorite kind of pizza?

~~ Fandom ~~

23.) What is one of your favorite TMNT fics?

24.) What is one of your favorite TMNT fan comics?

25.) What is one of your favorite TMNT AUs?

26.) What is one of your favorite pieces of TMNT fan art?

27.) What is something you love to see in TMNT art/fics?

28.) What is one thing you would like to see explored more in TMNT art/fics?

29.) What is one headcanon that you have?

30.) What is one common headcanon that you reject?

31.) What is one piece of TMNT canon that you dislike/ignore?

~~ For Artists/Writers ~~

32.) What was the first thing you've made for TMNT?

33.) What is your favorite thing you've made for TMNT?

34.) Which character do you write/draw most often?

35.) Which character relationships are your favorite to write/draw?

36.) Which character do you have the hardest time writing/drawing?

37.) Do you write/draw for one specific iteration, or multiple?

38.) Do you generally stick close to canon, or diverge from it?

39.) Do you have any TMNT OCs?

40.) Do you give the turtles tails?

💕

🏹💝☝🏼😊🫶🏼🙏🏼

Anyone gonna mention that here thanks to the beautiful (aNd InCreDibLy PaInFuL) work of @somerandomdudelmao that we see THE Donnie, who is known to be touch adverse most of the time, is so scared, hurt, frustrated, lonely (what other Donnified adjective that fits) is not only actively ReAcHiNg, but using whatever little strength he has to get to Casey, to HOLD him as fast as he can.

Anyone? Or is that just me?

LADIES AND GENTS : THEY MAY HATE THE PAST AND THEY MAY HATE THEMSELVES BUT THEY HATE BULLIES EVEN MORE!!! PLEASE GIVE A WARM AND DRAMATIC WELCOME TO PAAM!

like y’all you have no idea how much them all getting together to defend Casey just gives me life. Once a dad, always a sad 😆🙌🏼💙

I’m having too much fun with this concept lmao

My reaction photos including my niece

CONGRATS AT FINISHING THIS! ✨🧡🙏🏼🙌🏼

This story means so much to me, that I am both so happy and devastated that it’s done. But it was done beautifully, so don’t mind me cheering at work rn

And finally, Aftermath Family Meeting 7 | double post for the special occasion~ :) PREV | FIRST

I cannot believe its finally finished. Aftermath was the biggest project I've completed to date and I am so honored to have so many of you along for the ride with me. Now, you may be wondering: what now?

yeah. Me too. It feels really weird to finally have this completed. But, as a donnie core individual, i have PLANS :3

I will be taking some time off of Turtles, Dreamworks Trolls is currently making my brain all fuzzy and happy so I'll be skerdoodling about in that fandom for a bit before I return to start my next Turtle Project. It's all written. You guys aren't ready. It's gonna be SICK.

Once again, thanks for being here for Aftermath. it means the world to me that so many people liked to read something I made. Remember to be kind to yourselves and that healing isnt an all at once thing, its a every day tiny steps thing. See ya soon :)

Howdy Friends! I updated my "A Little Ninja's Mission" story a wee bit and put it on Archive of our own. Here's the link if you wanna check it out.

@saspas-corner Here’s for 6 months of random friendship because of one fateful day in the comment section and thanks @ilivelikeimtrying for making this happen with your incredible analysis 😉🙌🏼🧡

Jayus’ Jammie Jams

Hewooo folks! Had this song pop up on my shuffle today and I couldn’t help but just imagine this would fit for ROTTMNT Mikey 🤔🧡

Like mans got a LOT love to give just generally and is practically diagnosed with ADHD in every iteration. But could you imagine how intense being the sole focus, dare I say hyperfixation, of one such turtle? He lives to love and to love YOU would give him life. Wrapped up and interwoven in every thought and every action through and through.

“You got me in chains, you got me in chains for your love But, I wouldn't change, no I wouldn't change this love.”

When that character analysis hits just right and is plain scrumdillyumptious

My favorite thing in the world about Rise Leo is that he acts Like That but then at any given moment he's almost always doing something that's like. so fucking clever.

Like in the episode "The Ancient Art of Ninja Hide and Seek," the guys are sneaking around Big Mama's hotel to steal something from her guard dog Gus's collar. Raph's idea of stealth is uhhh holding a frond over his head, and Mikey and Donnie spend most of their time scooting a food cart up the stairs. Gus sniffs them all out and they all have to be rescued by Splinter.

And then Leo does this

And it seems so stupid, but like? it's actually not?? there's a strategy here???

The other guys get caught bc Gus is an incredible tracker w a great sense of hearing and smell—which Leo knows from their last run-in with him. So what does Leo do? He eliminates the problem by purposefully sneaking up on Gus in a crowded, noisy, distracting room so Gus won't be able to hear or smell him. And it WORKS—Gus doesn't notice him even when he's right under his nose! He just gets unlucky that the Evil Sports match ends right when he gets his hands on the collar.

It's just. so endlessly funny to me that Leo's the one who gets the closest to actually completing the mission without needing Splinter to bail him out, and no one notices bc he does so with the air of a court jester. A little clown boy. He truly radiates the vibe of someone constantly flying by the seat of his booty shorts, meaning no one realizes until Shredder that he's secretly the only one on the team who regularly uses ANY problem-solving or planning skills lmao