After Shoving Hansel In The Oven, The Witch Turns To Gretel - Who Is Currently Fending The Witch Off

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

Uh oh, the A.I. on your long haul space mission has analyzed your psyche profile and diagnosed you as "pretty princess". Yeah, it's been adding feminizing horomes to your diet and adding subliminal suggestions to the background ambient noise. Yeah, the physical and mental changes are prefectly normal. I wouldn't worry that pretty head of yours if I were you.

[id: two drawings on a light blue background. One is of a purple tiefling from the legs up, not shaded, the other of Jester from critical role, shaded and from the chest up. At the top of the page is a title that says “Geekyowlet’s 200 mini raffle”. The text on the page is elaborated below. At the bottom of the page are the instagram, twitter, tumblr and ko-fi icons with usernames above them. The instagram one is @geekyowlet, the twitter one is @geekyowlet, the tumblr one is @geekydoesart, and the ko-fi one is @geekyowlet.]

tumblr has deleted this post like 5 times now but i think ive got it!

I’m almost at 200 followers so I figured I’d do a raffle!!

two winners will get to choose between either a full-body character or an icon of a character. I will do any character, including OCs

Rules

1 like = 1 entry, 1 reblog = 1 entry, you can reblog multiple times but dont spam your followers

this raffle is for followers only!! new followers are welcome but please don't spam your followers

no giveaway blogs please!!

please reference my commissions guide for this i will and will not draw

The raffle will end on Friday, December 21 at 12 PM PST! I’ll announce & contact the winners in the afternoon.

Thank you so much for all the support!!!!

what's your lady's deal

She's an incredible and talented person who has been unfairly tormented over the years by far too many things. Also its incredibly funny and a very skilled writer

"Let me get this straight. You thought that I was just... Coincidentally avoiding your murder attempts?"

"Um. Yeah. Does this mean I'm a bad friend?"

"No! I mean, no. For a demon you're remarkably concerned about properly fulfilling the deal."

"W-well, if I don't fulfill the deal, I can't take your soul."

"..."

"..."

"Why'd you stop?"

"Huh?"

"Why'd you stop trying to kill me? One of them was bound to pan out. The sigil one was really clever."

"I just... I want to maximize the souls I damn before I go back."

"Mhm. Is that it?"

"I... I don't know, okay? I just feel weird killing you. It doesn't help that I need to fulfill the contract."

"If it helps, even with the murder attempts, you're the best friend I've ever had."

They stole you from your world when you were but a young girl, and they forged you into a magical weapon that has been feared across the cosmos. Now that the war is over and you’ve won, they send you back to the moment before they captured you. The skills, PTSD, and memories? Those never fade.

i am legally obligated to draw miguel spiderverse at least once

Never, ever, cross a cow with a cat.

You'll get an udder catastrophe.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee