Entry #19, 9/26/19

Entry #24, 11/20/19

Greetings. I am currently on the ‘vacation’ I told you about in the last entry. The journey yesterday was beyond burdensome. My sister didn’t want to help move the luggage and basically just pouted the whole time, because ‘‘It’S tOo HeAvY’‘, and my mother (whom I will refer to as Voldemort from now on) was just there, not doing anything about my little sister’s laziness. Apparently (according what she said) I was a lazy piece of sh- when I watched over the remaining luggage instead of helping moving it around. Most likely because she had to help Voldemort.

After our arrival, though, things have been pretty great. I/We have a ‘‘flat’‘ in the second house; it has a small bathroom (but still big enough to fit a shower, toilet and sink), a bedroom with two beds and a table, and a ‘‘main area’‘, where there is another bed, two cupboards and a table. All in all, it would be pretty cozy and great... if there wasn’t my mother packing it with tons and tons of stuff. She has a cupboard full of food, even though we get served breakfast, lunch and dinner, and has packed 3, I repeat, 3 suitcases for her alone.

>>one is for arts and crafts, one is my luggage and one is for your very thick clothing.<<, she said. I think now might be the appropriate time to inform you that I packed my own suitcase with everything I need. After all, I am old enough to pack my own clothes etc.

Moving on to today: I woke up at 6.30, went to have breakfast, then straight to the ‘‘school’‘, only to be greeted by about 15 kids under the age of 11. I did the only thing I could think of, and sat down at a lonely table in the corner of the room. Only a few minutes later, a kid sat down next to me and we just kinda started to play a random game. Soon after, another boy (about 9) sat down with us and just joined the game. The entire group then sat in a circle, and we started telling each other our names. I don’t remember many of them, but there was one boy that stood out. After saying his name, he stated that he would turn 14 in three days (just like me), and just said that he hates people. It was too relatable to actually be true. And as if that wasn’t enough, he also has a little sibling of his own gender (just like me #2). I don’t know his brothers name, though. Nor his last name. But I will hopefully find out soon. Why not stalk him a little, eh?~

Ah, it’s getting late. I will go to bed now, goodbye and goodnight you beautiful people~

Mary out~

Entry #34, 1/29/25, very short

Wow. So glad I remembered the password. Time for a new entry, I guess?

Sooooo much happened. So very much. And honestly, I'm kind of sad that I didn't continue this blog while I lived with my sister, because ohhh boy would that have been fun to read now. It was a shit show. But luckily I still have my diaries from that time... it almost feels like I survived a war or something. I think I'll just start writing down random things I remember and want to have written down somewhere before I forget them, so from now on, imagine a fat tw in front of every post concerning that topic. I'll specify if certain subjects are more prominent in a post, but you can almost certainly expect verbal abuse, helpless rage and probably swearing.

To give you a quick idea of where I am now:

- I live alone (or, well, independently. I share my flat with two dudes. I'll call one Tom and the other Marc.)

- Since my last entry, I was in 2 relationships. Both of them were toxic. Now I'm with my boyfriend, who I'll be calling Derrick, since November last year

- I went no contact with my oldest sister (the one whose place I was at in the entry about Christmas and how disappointed I was)

- I also went no contact with my mother (formerly known as ___ or Voldemort)

- I'm in therapy, got diagnosed with ADHD, got meds for it

-My grades plummeted . But now I'm doing better, thanks to the meds.

- I'm now 19 years old and go by Jamie since 2022 around friends and like early 2023 around teachers, nowadays everyone refers to me and knows me as Jamie. Pronouns-wise, all are fine, but I prefer he/they. I'm enby and pan, should you care

- All racists, homophobes, transphobes and similar people that just have to get up in everybody's business, feel free to contact me if you want to have a respectful convo about it to exchange views :)

Seeya!

You didn't ask for it, but here you go anyway.

me, apologizing in advance

Entry #27, part 2

...until Yuri told us we were allowed to massage each others freely and as we wanted to. Raph asked me, if I wanted him to go on and take care of my shoulders, and of course I said yes. I mean, why should I miss out on a free relaxing program? XD As he was moving his hands along my back and shoulders, I closed my eyes and just listened to all of the sounds the kids around us made. Suddenly, I heard Yuri say my name, and that’s when I started to listen to her. >>... and Mary looks like she’s having the time of her life.<< HELL YEAH I WAS! It was so relaxing to have someone who genuinely cares about you sitting behind you... and so strangely unfamiliar, too. I don’t know, I guess I should find more people who care about me.

That afternoon, we met up again. But that time I needed help with math, and since he mentioned that he was good at it and we got along just fine (if you get the reference you get bonus points), I decided to ask him to help me. And he did! After we finished, we talked about music, and somehow drifted off, which led to him... hugging me. He. Hugged. Me. I cannot put into words how wanted I felt at that moment. More than I have for a very, very long time. Though, sadly I didn’t feel much... Anyways. About an hour after that, he went ‘home’. I accompanied him, and when we parted ways, we hugged again.

On the 3rd, Raph’s little brother and the little sister from a friend of mine thought it would be funny to push Raph’s and my head together as to make us kiss.

...it didn’t work. XD

Nothing else happened, until I was going for a walk on the beach at night. It was about.. 7 pm, and already dark outside. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, hiding the stars and the moon, tainting the sea a deep, dark brown-ish black. The horizon itself was a fulfilling black, turning lighter the higher one looked at the clouds. I adored the sight. As I went, I talked to myself like I usually do. That eventually led to me crying, becoming aware of how absolutely useless I was to everyone around me, how much I disappointed the ones that cared about me in a seemingly whole other world, a timeline long forgotten... and I may have let myself go too much. I cried like I haven’t in a long, long, long time. I don’t know if it was good to let out my feelings or stupid because someone could possibly have listened to my sobbing... normally, if I do cry, I cry in company of someone I trust or care about. And up until that day, I was physically not able to. I don’t know why, but I could never cry on my own. There always had to be someone. But maybe... I didn’t feel alone that night? Maybe I felt as if someone was with me, even when they were not physically there? I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll find out any time soon, but it’s definitely worth thinking about.

On the 4th, me and Raph went to the beach together at night. The stars were shining brightly, brighter than I’ve ever seen them sparkle, the moon was more beautiful than I had it in mind... everything just seemed a lot brighter and better. We talked for about an hour, then his mother told him to come back to their room. I loved having him as my company. Even if it was very cold, I was determined to stay with him. And so I did. I even stayed on the bench a few minutes after he left, talking to myself again. But soon, it was too cold, so I went up to my room, too.

The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th went without any notable events.

The 9th, though, was a good day for me. First, we went to a sports hall to do some sports. After that, we went back to the ‘daycare‘ and me and Raph just kinda... started cuddling? It was really nice, and time was going by way too fast, until... my commitment phobia kicked in. (I should probably tell you that I have commitment issues due to my HoRrIbLe past) I ignored it, tho, so I kinda forced myself into being happy, or feel comfortable... buuut that actually did the exact opposite. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but I ignored that too, so I could try and just let myself fall into the embrace, I guess? Honestly, I don’t regret it. I think I needed the cuddling, the intimacy towards another person. Something that I noticed was that he seemed very calm and relaxed. I think he enjoyed himself, too.

The next day was just stressful. I had to travel back home with ___ and my sister, and of course the two fought a lot. Anyways, that was the rest of my ‘vacation’. More information on what and how I’ve been doing for the past week in the next entry!

Mary out!~

Entry #18, 9/16/19

Hello, fellow sinners. I'm currently in hell once again. I woke up waaay more tired than I went to sleep. I wonder what I did wrong? Maybe it was too cold? Or I didn't sleep enough? Maybe I'm just overreacting and I just slept bad? Nobody will truly ever know. But I don't care too much. In a few days I'll have forgotten this anyways, so why bother.

I'm reading a book about schizophrenia to block out the students in my class, trying to keep the conversations people try to strice up once in a month as short as possible, but still working on the assignments the teacher gives us. I know I'll be able to do this, it's the life I want. I don't want to be loud, I don't want to be forced to tell people why I don't want to talk, and no, nothing's ''wrong''. I just think that if I don't like you, why should I talk to you?

''No trust, No entry.''

That's my motto now. Yep, I'll be an edgy teenager to the ones that I don't like. But if I do like you? Hooooo boy, a whole different person. I'd even say the exact opposite. Outgoing, trying to be funny, flirty (even though it's just for fun, but heyyy) and sooo damn obsessed with Anime and Hamilton. I could easily one of those ''not like other girls'' girls, but I just think it's normal not to like make-up, or horses, or pink or stuff like that. It's not making anyone special. Everyone's different. The girls from my class just seem to be... exactly like those ''other girls'' that the girls that end up on r/notlikeothergirls describe. And that exact thing is so annoying! They love horses, make-up, pink and everything you could imagine that's called girly! Shoes, dresses, clothes in general, their favorite YouTuber is Bibisbeautypalace (a really famous make-up-lifestyle-etc Youtuber), the list goes on and on.

That was my rant for now. Goodbye, Sinnamon rolls!

Now this is a beautiful picture. Majestic, mysterious.... just perfect.

Entry #31, 25/1/20

Heya, dear void! How’s it going? ^^ I thought I’d just quickly let you know about some stuff that happened recently, since it’s kinda important to understand the possible action that will be taken throughout the next few months.

Last Friday (17/1/20), I had a ‘meeting’ with my current school’s principal. He asked me why I wanted to change schools, why I thought I didn’t belong in the class and how my mental health was involved in the whole thing. At the start, he didn’t seem very fond of the idea, but was open to what I had to say. I thought h would say ‘no’, or try to keep me from doing it, but at the end of the whole thing he told me that he’d support me and even let me come back if the new school was worse.

After the meet-up, I told my mother that we had his approval, and she spoke to the school I want to change to. The teachers had a meeting where they discussed the situation, and if they had room for a new student. Everything depends on that, and if they decide that I would be too much, everything I did would have been a complete waste of time. But before I can officially change schools, I need to check out what the routine is like, anyways, so I can get a better picture of what it’ll be like, because right now I have no information about the schedule and stuff like that. Heck, I don’t even know when school starts! (My current starts at 7:40, ends at 12:45, and I’m usually home at about 13:20.) Ah, whatever. As for now I can’t do anything but wait anyways. Wish me luck...

~Mary

Entry #11, 8/17/19

School started again, and I volunteered as a helper for the 5th graders. And one of the girls was looking just like me when I was younger. She had the hair, the features, even the height. I didn't talk to her, because today was only the ceremony where the 5th graders are let into the school and introduced to their classmates, but from the look in her eyes I can tell that she's pretty damn innocent. Thinking that she can make friends left and right.... I hope she doesn't end up like me and gets bullied. I want her to be taken into the class softly, not thrown into the cold water like me. When I see the kids on Monday, I'll make sure they all know they can trust me with anything. I hate giving myself compliments, but I think I'm a pretty good listener. I don't give the best advice, but I still can help people out (somehow).

Moving on, I've been drawing a lot of flowers lately. I'll show you later, in a separate post. I'm not good, but I've improved quite a bit over the past couple of months.

Nothing else really happened, and since I could only spill tea about my neighbors, I'll just say

Peace out, my dude/ettes/(nonbinary word for dude)s!

Entry #1

So... well I'm just going to start this blog as a kind of second diary, and since no one will ever even find this, I'm currently asking myself ''well why the hell not?''. So here I go...

Some background information first:

-Female

-Sexuality: questioning, but probably either bi or pan

-German

-No, I do not drink beer for every meal. In fact, I'm against drinking and smoking, but I don't give a floop if you do either or both

-I really don't care what other people do or like or think or whatever

-Except for anti-vaxxers and homophobes. Why, humans, why???

-I like Hamilton and Creepypasta, both a whole lot.

So, now that that's done... I guess I can start with the blog?

Alright. It's summer vacation, I'm basically in my room all day, talking to a friend or two...But today, I had to leave my comfy bed :( I went to the store, and I wasn't really expecting any heat at all, since it was quite cold in the part of Germland I live in, but of course the sun had to kill everything in a 100 kilometer radius. So it was flaming hot outside, and everyone I passed by looked either pissed or exhausted asf. When I came back from the store though, it just got way hotter, so I decided to lay in my bed and check whatever social media like the lazy ''person'' I am.

I'm also really hyped about finishing my diary. I have another one ''waiting'', so I can't wait to start that one. I did write a lot in it today, because I was so bored.

I also started drawing my OC Sophie, cuz why not? Not like I had anything better to do, anyways.

So yeah, that was my day. I'll maybe write again tomorrow, or just when something happens.

Entry #3

The weather didn't change. It's 17:00 at the time I'm writing this, and there's not really anything else to do.

My other best friend has fever, but it's gotten better over the past few days. She had a few fever hallucinations, but that might also be because of her schizophrenia, and that it's ''mixing'' with the fever. It's very hot where she lives as well right now, so she has a chance of getting worse. But she seems to be doing quite well up until now, so let's just hope it'll stay like that.

I think I might actually finish my diary in the next week, maybe even this week, who knows. Then I can finally start the new one! I might post a picture of the new diary later, when I start using it. But until then, it's gonna stay a secret.

I'll keep you up to date, bye ^^