A Little Head Bonk Kiss

this poem is about being nonbinary.

Magnus doodle

Lighteater

erin and the void dragon are from @comicaurora

How do you manage to motivate yourself when you're feeling tired or depressed?

Usually I try to give myself time to rest until those feelings lessen, since they're generally symptomatic of having pushed too hard, but on occasions where tiredness seems to be getting a little too cozy with depression, there's a few things I do.

I've observed in myself a habit of sort of… waiting in a holding pattern for something to push me into action. "Something" isn't defined clearly, but it becomes a real problem on depressed or low-executive-function days. This might just BE what low executive function feels like, tbh; like there's some invisible trigger and I can't Do The Thing until something trips it. When I notice I'm stuck in a holding pattern, I have a few tricks to snap myself out of it:

Flip a coin. Heads I get up and Do The Thing, tails I don't. The simple act of challenging myself is enough to motivate me sometimes, regardless of the outcome, but sometimes this makes me realize that I am legitimately tired, so I stay put and recharge a little until I want to flip for it again.

Set a five- or ten-minute timer and do whatever I need to do until the timer runs out. An artificial deadline can bypass the holding pattern. Sometimes this gives me momentum, and when the timer runs out I keep going. Sometimes this does NOT build momentum, and I crash after the timer runs out - but I crash with five more minutes of progress done. Any progress is better than no progress.

Assume Direct Control. This one only works sometimes, but sometimes it's as simple as breaking down a list of individual units of tangible progress - Get Off Of Bed, Put On Pants, Plug In Tablet, Etc Etc - and just grab the manual controls in my brain and make myself do each thing in turn. Sometimes I'll assume direct control to make myself take a Stupid Mental Health Walk, which has thus far worked every time to improve my mood and energy even though when I am in a Low Mood the last thing I want to do is subject myself to the mortifying ordeal of wearing pants and dealing with people.

I also find that sometimes it's helpful to pull the thread of what you're waiting for. Sometimes I'll realize I've locked myself into a weird paralysis because I've accidentally made something a prerequisite for other tasks. For example, I might realize I'm feeling weirdly frozen and uncomfortable because I haven't taken out the trash, and I've told myself I can't do X Y and Z until the trash is taken out, but I don't want to take out the trash, so I've locked X Y and Z behind Unpleasant Task in a subconscious attempt to motivate myself to Do The Task but instead I've just dramatically reduced the number of things I feel I can do. Often just noticing this pattern is enough to break out of it.

I also find that sometimes the invisible trigger I'm waiting for is just waiting to want to do something. That is unfortunately a trap. There are many things you can enjoy or benefit from without wanting to do them beforehand, because the thought of it is unpleasant or scary or anxiety-inducing or otherwise loaded down with what-ifs and caveats. I will never WANT to have a doctor's appointment, but I feel very good AFTER arranging and going to one. I very rarely WANT to exercise, but after the fact I feel very rewarded and more confident in my abilities. I've only WANTED to go on like a third of the walks I've taken this year, but every single one of them has been pleasant and beneficial to my mental health. Sometimes you just gotta say "I don't WANT to do it, but I'll be glad I did it" and manually pilot yourself into Doing It.

a short project I'll be working on some time soon

Hour 6 of consecutive physics lectures:

there are so few of us now, night has fallen and all the world is numbers…

they have taken the coffee and the second floor…

footsteps sound in the corridor, they are coming…

we have completed the differentiation but cannot rest for long…

a professor moves in the dark…

we cannot get out… we cannot get out…

Fulgrim

or

Your downfall can never be too theatrical

The Green Knight

arthuriana and swords<3

(or ellian’s procrastinating so it’s time to talk about my favorite swords!)

The most famous of them all is Excalibur (or Caliburn depending on the text, however some argue that Caliburn is an entirely different sword) and i get it — it’s the sword in the stone, the sword that is proof of Arthur’s heritage and legitimacy over Camelot. What’s interesting is that a lot of other medieval texts (Layamon’s Brut and Wace’s Brut) describe Arthur’s childhood as one in which that he was always royalty, or at least, was aware of it — Malory’s Le Morte and possibly Suite du Merlin from the Vulgate (don’t quote me on this it’s been a year since I last read Suite du Merlin) discuss over how Arthur grew up alongside Kay under the tutelage of Sir Ector. Various different texts have different reactions towards Arthur pulling out Excalibur — some have it that the nobility fell in line right away and others have it in that there was ultimate discourse that erupted forth as there was disbelief that the squire of Sir Kay WAS the person who truly pulled the sword out, and thus, belonging to the throne.

That being said there isn’t much talk of Clarent, which is another sword of Arthur’s. Clarent is not a sword used to fight with — Clarent is the sword that Arthur uses to KNIGHT people with. It’s a purely decorative sword that is symbolic more than anything. And yet, THIS is the sword that Mordred (and sometimes Guinevere) steals in medieval texts and uses against Arthur at Camlann. THIS is the sword that Mordred swears his kingship on and his inheritance to the throne. The implications that it is a CEREMONIAL SWORD (that was thus used in the knighthood of Mordred itself) being used to kill Arthur is thus… it speaks a lot about the mortality of kingship and just how Arthur, at the end of the day, despite being king is also a man, and also one that can be disposed of, and that while Excalibur may have been the one to herald the start, it is Clarent, purely decorative and ornamental and political, is used once again to throw Britain into ruin.

Shoutout also to THE best swords though: Galatine and Secace. Galatine belongs to Gawain and is of equal power to Excalibur — the Lady of the Lake gifted it to Gawain as being the other half of Excalibur. Personally, it cements my own idea in that Gawain, Arthur’s beloved nephew and one of his most trusted advisors, was always meant to be his heir. Secace is Lancelot’s sword and in true Lancelot fashion he only named his sword because everyone else was and he didn’t want to be left out. The Red Hilt Sword (which belongs to Lancelot) is discussed here and here by my beloved friend Lou Gringolet.

The seeds of heresy started here. okay so nothing sad, nothing emotional, I just want to draw my fav scene :3 Bonus:

so i made a blank version, right? and here's what I came up with.

"Can I use the blank to make him say any-" yeah do whatever you want idc put the whole bee movie script if you want