Admit To Yourself That You Want Things.

Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.

And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.

It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.

I have found myself getting things done, things I've been putting off for weeks, for months, for years! I'm taking care of myself in ways I wasn't used to in a long time, I cleaned my room, I moved that big ugly chair in front of the house (been there for a year!), I fixed all my ripped clothes, I cleaned the bathroom, I'm taking my meds, I'm brushing my teeth at least 3 times a day, I decluttered my messy stuff all over the house, washed my favorite backpack. I'm taking care of my skin, I'm running. All the things I hoped I would have eventually done on my own, I could only really do with the help of someone who cares about me. She made me want to be a better man. I don't even dissociate as much anymore, dissociation comes from dysfunctional attachment, when you don't have somebody who looks at you and picks you up and responds to you when you are in distress, so you learn to deal with your misery by shutting yourself down. I'm not shutting myself down! I'm not shutting myself down! I'm opening myself up, just, JUST because of the prospect of love. And the thing about love, is that when it approaches you like a soft kind touch, it makes you realize what you've been missing out on.

(grabs you by the shoulders) you have to make room for new experiences in your life. you have to go through the unpleasant work of leaving your comfort zone, even if just for a few minutes at a time. because if you don't, your brain will trick you into stagnation. you will start to believe that the world can barely fit you in it. but that's not true. it's the opposite way around. you can fit the whole word inside of you. your task is only this: to welcome it with open arms

But every step you take today shapes the person you’ll become tomorrow. Remember this: nobody is born ready. Everyone grows into readiness. It’s a journey, not a destination.

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

i miss reading

 “The past can be changed by the future.”  -Yoshiki Hayashi

Ilya Kaminsky, from "While the Child Sleeps, Sonya Undresses", Deaf Republic

the planet Mars☄️✨

Al-Ula , Saudi Arabia 🏜️

“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.”

— Andrew Carnegie