We Swifties Need To Set The Score Right

*Chefs Kiss*

Absolutely amazing!!!

the fallout

pairing: jenna ortega & female reader

summary: in which you and jenna unexpectedly run into each other after a long complicated time, which makes things take a big turn for you.

word count: 4.8k

warnings: 18+ heavy topics; depression, suicide, unhealthy weight loss.

authors note: my longest imagine so far, but also the darkest one i would say. please tell me if it’s too confusing bc i feel like it might be. the ending is a little rushed, so tell me if you have any questions about it.

The weird thing about relationships is that they have a way of defying expectations. Just when you think you have it all figured out, love throws you a curveball, leaving you both bewildered and amazed. Especially when you're in a relationship that's all out in the public, everybody knows about it and is all up in your business. Not that any of that mattered if were deeply in love.

Although the lack of privacy and a judgmental crowd could ruin som parts of it, you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Your girlfriend Jenna, was everything you had ever wanted, not because of the fame, nor the money, but because she was the epitome of your dreams. She embodied everything you had ever hoped for, ever since you were a little girl.

When the news about the it-girl's new girlfriend got out, the whole media was astonished. The movie star had never shown any interest towards girls publicly, or any romantic feelings at all for that matter.

After the surprising information about your relationship with Jenna, you guys quickly became a huge favorite among the fans and admirers, known for being the biggest love-birds on the internet. Every paparazzi picture that was ever taken of the two of you contained heart eyes full of admiration while the two of you looked at each other.

Everyone made it their goal in life to find love like the two of you had.

The life in the spotlight was a whole new experience for you. You had no clue about what it was going to be like til you got pushed into it in one day. But you didn't complain, thanks to the relationship with your girlfriend your dreams of becoming a musician came true, and before you knew it; you were known as one of the biggest rising stars in the music industry.

To say your life was complicated would've been an understatement.  Considering both of you had very different careers, you guys barely made as much time for each other as you did before.

Jenna was barely home due all of the big jobs and interviews she was assigned for, which obviously hurt your relationship more than it should've. It felt like every moment she got the chance to be home with you, was about her being filled with anger and stress; taking it out on nobody else but you.

In other words the American 'it couple' wasn't as perfect as the public thought, they had painted up these perfect expectations that they were sure you guys lived up to, and that was one of the main reasons on why the media was aghast when the news about the thing leaked out.

The break up.

The separation shocked the whole audience, mainly fans that had followed you guys since the beginning, but also people that barely knew who you were. Everything happened so unexpectedly, nobody could ever see it coming.

For some reason, the break up almost became more known than the time you were actually together. Mainly because news leak out rather quickly, but also because nobody could figure out the reason for it, and Jenna's ignorance did not help when it came to solving the mystery.

Only one week after the incident Jenna was back at set, doing interviews and events, acting like nothing had changed. Which the media found extremely strange, some people even thought the break up didn't happen at all.

They didn't have much information about the reason for the break up, only a discreetly taken paparazzi picture of you leaving Jenna's apartment in full on tears; that was quickly leaked on the internet with all sorts of captions and headlines.

That was the last picture the paparazzi could ever take of you before you disappeared from the spotlight completely. Nobody knew why, not even you.

The day Jenna broke up with you, was the day your whole life fell apart. She was everything you had, due your parents always being neglecting or gone for work trips. Jenna was the only thing you were living for. That's why you went home that day, and barely went anywhere else.

You wallowed in your small apartment for days, eventually the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years. You would go a long amount of time without eating or drinking, and you couldn't remember the last time you had gotten a proper night sleep or eaten a full meal.

This was a big deal for the media, what could've possibly happened that made the next rising music star disappear completely? Some people actually thought that you and Jenna didn't break up at all, just that you decided to keep it private.

Some tried to convince the public that maybe the singing career wasn't for you and that you might've just started working as something else, but nobody believed that considering the fact that Jenna had said you looked happier than she had ever seen you when you were on stage. Well, that was in an interview when the two of you were still together. Nowadays you could never catch the actress talking about you.

It was never revealed why the separation happened or who was responsible for it. The only people knowing about being you, Jenna, and your families.

Jenna had broken up with you just a few weeks before your birthday. She claimed that both of you had completely different goals in life, that you were heading in different directions and we're holding each other back. You tried convincing her that all you would ever want in life was her, even if it meant dropping everything you had. But it didn't work.

After hours of pleading and crying, Jenna had instructed for you to go home. To your "home" that in your mind wasn't nearly close to a home, it wasn't somewhere you wanted to be. You wanted to be with her, in her apartment, like it had always been.

That's when the photos were taken of you, but the tears in your eyes and panic feeling in your throat stopped you from noticing. So did your depression from seeing the news and articles about you.

Time passed, and you still didn't get better. You didn't try to get better either, seeing no point if your future wasn't with who you wanted to. You tried telling yourself that you would wait for her to come around, she would realize how much you belonged together and would eventually come back to you. That was worth living for. The only thing worth living for.

Since the depression made time feel like it just flew by, you weren't really surprised when already two and a half years had passed since the break up, and the more days that passed, you were starting to doubt that Jenna was ever gonna come back.

In your mind, Jenna was thinking about you every day, trying to find the right way to come back to you, but whether it was true or just your brain trying to start a war with you, you didn't know, nor care.

But what you also didn't know; due to the lack of time you spent checking the news or social media. Jenna's life had changed way more than you thought and imagined.

She had met someone new.

***

Walking down the busy streets of New York was basically a part time job while living there. Jenna was an expert about it if anyone, and in her state right now, it was even tougher to make it through, like an intense workout.

Finally making it to one of the calmer streets, she made sure to catch a breath; like the doctor had told her if anything felt too heavy while moving, she was carrying extra pressure after all.

Walking through the city, carefully sneaking glances into the shops she passed, curious to see who was in the different areas today.

After for what felt like hours she finally made it to the library, where she was supposed to borrow some books for herself to keep her entertained for all the following weeks were she supposed she would just lay at home, waiting for something to happen with the growing thing inside of her.

The bell above the door greeted her with a ring as she opened the door, the librarian giving her a small smile before going back to her work at the front desk.

Jenna returned a small smile, trying her hardest not to let out a loud sigh from all the walking as she held her stomach, her footsteps making the carpeted wooden floor creak as she walked.

The library looked fully empty, it usually was considering it was a pretty small one, not one of the best looking either; smelled like dust and looked like it was something from the early 2000s. But it was her favorite one, it always had the books she was looking for available.

Looking through the different shelves, trying to find the right one she was looking for, letting out a few grunts when she had been standing still for too long, flipping through the books. She heard a creek of the floor coming from the other side of the 'corridor' in the small library. 

Carefully directing her head towards the sound, she noticed a slim figure standing there, delicately flipping through the pages of a book in her hands.

A recognizable feeling ran through Jenna's body as she watched the person. The hair gracefully draping over the shoulders, exuding an aura of elegance and charm, as if it were a scene from a captivating book.  

But when she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, revealing her side profile and the wide eyes curiously scanning the text on the pages of the book. Jenna's eyes could process who it was, and the sight made her throat feel thick and cold sweat beginning to form on her body. Despised that, she still couldn't stop herself when she walked forward, calling your name.

"Y/n?" Her voice creaked out.

The voice calling your name quickly made your head turn to where she was situated. And when your eyes met hers, you could swear you felt your heart finding a place in your stomach. She looked just as the day she broke you, although her face was a little bit more swollen than the last time.

You wanted to smile, you wanted to hug her and tell her how much you had missed her. But your body didn't move. Did she search you up? Did she come here to take you back?

Your eyes were filled with admiration as you inspected Jenna's face. You couldn't say the same for her eyes, they were filled with worry and was scanning your whole body.

You barely looked like yourself. Your eyes that was once bright and full of life, was now replaced with tired ones with a red waterline, the wrinkles that used to be visible under your eyes from smiling so much, was now replaced by dark eye bags that told her that you hadn't slept for ages.

Your body didn't look the same either, the clothes you were wearing practically swallowed you whole, your face had sunken a huge amount and the exposed part of your collarbone showed that you had lost a ton of weight.

"Jenna..Hi." You almost shuttered out, unsurely moving your hands to put them in the front pockets of your pants.

She tried pushing the worry of your current state to the side as she tried to start a conversation with you. "Hi.." She smiled, noticing that you were trying so hardly to smile back at her.

"It's been so long, I– It's so nice to see you again." Jenna spoke almost eagerly, being quick to break the silence that tried to sneak through the two of you; knowing that silence was not something you loved as much as she did.

"How have you been doing?" She added to the conversation, when she in reality should've walked away the second she saw you. But she just couldn't, you had always had the ability to get her captivated by you, no matter what the situation was.

You swallowed thickly, trying your hardest to get your voice to sound normal. "Fine.." You spoke lowly, nodding a little receiving a small nod from her as well.

"Great, actually." You tried again, wanting to sound more confident this time. Because maybe there was a bigger chance she would take you back if she knew you were doing good.

"Yeah?" Jenna nodded bigger this time, smile growing bigger on her face. "What about the music? How's that going?" She asked carefully, hoping to receive that sparkle in your eye that she would see every time you got the chance to talk about your music.

But who was she trying to fool? She knew exactly what had been going on with you. She knew you weren't playing anymore, that nobody had seen you ever since your last concert almost three years ago.

Jenna would be lying if she said she never searched your name up incase there had been any news about you, because she did it every day.

She had been trying to text you a few weeks after the blow out, even trying to wish you a happy birthday when the day arrived. But she was never surprised to see that you hadn't answered any of the text messages she had written whenever she had the time.

And sure, the guilt was getting to her, basically everyone knew that the reason for your downfall was her, her mainly or her only, it didn't matter. Knowing that she might've been the reason you looked like this, made her heart fill up with a deep ache.

Her thoughts came to a quit when she noticed you ashamedly directed your head down, finding your shoes interesting. But Jenna didn't stop, she wanted to see that spark so badly that her mouth moved faster than she could process.

"Y–you're gonna have to tell me of you're having having a concert or something... It would be so much fun to see you again." Jenna spoke, the words falling out of her mouth before she had the chance to think them through.

You were now looking at her again, a mix of emotions painted on your face. But Jenna could see the forced smile that made its way up on your face.

But you were starting to grow impatient. Did she come here to take you back or not? That's why you softly tried to ask her the question you so badly wanted her to ask.

"Would you like to grab a coffee some day?" You felt your heartbeat quicken at your own words, even more when you saw her face lit up with a smile.

But the sentence meant totally different things for the two of you. For you it was a date, but for Jenna it was a friendly request, basically telling her you wanted to keep going as friends.

"Yeah I–I'd love that.." She nodded, almost laughing while talking, making her stomach feel heavier than before, which made her caress it carefully with one of her hands.

And then it came, the sparkle in your eyes she so desperately wanted to see again. It appeared in your eyes for a split second, making her breath hitch as she carefully watched you with a smile.

But your happy expression with sparkles in your eyes was quickly exchanged with a crushed one when your gaze followed down to where Jenna's hand was placed. Tears almost immediately filling your eyes as you looked down at the bump on Jenna's stomach, along with the diamond placed on her ring finger.

Jenna immediately noticed your change of emotions, almost feeling ashamed as she watched your breathing stop for a split second. She bit her lip nervously, trying to figure out your next move.

"I–I uhm.. I have to get home." You hurried out, quickly wiping your eyes before the tears had a chance to fall. 

Jenna could feel her mouth open trying to say something, but nothing came out. She sadly watched as you quickly walked away from her and out of the library, making herself feel like she made a mistake by even walking up to you.

She didn't know you weren't aware of her pregnancy, because she thought you did, technically everyone knew about it. The whole world was in shock when the news about the pregnancy of the new it girl came out; posting it everywhere as soon as it was revealed.

But what Jenna didn't know was that you had deleted all social media platforms from all of your devices, not taking any chances of seeing fake news about yourself or headlines about Jenna being happier than ever; when you were about to let your bed swallow you whole.

You couldn't hear Jennas voice calling your name when you hurried out the store. The high pitched beep and the loud voices in your head taking over your thoughts.

She didn't come to take you back, she didn't plan to find you at all. She doesn't want you back in her life, she's moved on. She didn't think about you every day, she had someone else to think about now.

Your legs were moving so rapidly that you could barely feel them, the tears in your eyes refused to fall no matter how close to the edge they got. You didn't blink, you didn't think, nothing was worth it.

The quick steps turned into slow ones as the thoughts disappeared from your mind. Now that you got the confirmation about the things you prayed weren't true. There was nothing to live for.

If you were going to live a future without the person you had thought about for three years straight, there was no point.

***

The day at the library had been clouding Jenna's mind for two days straight, never leaving her alone no matter how hard she tried.

She couldn't stop thinking about your crushed face; that she could only see for a second before you rushed away. It reminded her way too much of the face you wore when she ended things between the two of you; the face that she had nightmares of for months.

She had tried to leave messages and calls to your number; she wanted to talk things out. She wanted to still know you, and based on the person she saw a few days before, she couldn't anticipate how difficult that process would be.

She didn't know who you were anymore, and the pain of not knowing the person that was once the most important individual in her life was eating her alive. She weren't in your life anymore, so that's why she was surprised to see your mother's name and number appear on her phone screen.

Both hesitation and worry filled her veins as she answered the call from your mother. You had never had a close relationship to your parents; they were gone for work trips the majority of your childhood.

Jenna tried to greet the woman on the phone, but quickly shut her eyes in embarrassment as she heard how shaky and questioning her voice sounded.

But your mom didn't seem to notice. "Jenna! Hi.." she sighed out of relief. Jenna could almost hear her sniffling on the other line, making her brows furrow out of confusion. "How have you been?"

"I've been great.." Jenna answered, uncertainty lacing her voice, "Sorry what is this about?" She tried to cancel the dry talking, feeling her worry growing bigger every second that passed.

"Oh yes of course.. sorry." She sniffled again, making the concern in Jenna only growing stronger.

"I uhm, I'm calling to say that..." Your mother paused, like the words that were about to come out of her mouth were poison. "Y/n is no longer with us.." She finished, a muffled sob leaving her mouth.

Jenna felt like her heart took a plunge, sinking into the depths of her being. "What?" She managed to breath out.

"She killed herself last night.." Your mothers shaky voice explained, followed by quiet sobs.

The whole world felt like it stopped. And for a second, Jenna could almost hear your laugh fill her eardrums, your smell filling her nostrils, your smile filling her eyes and your touch roaming her body.

This couldn't be true, there was no way. She was just about to make things right with you.

Jenna couldn't find her voice, it was like it had fallen the same path as her heart. Her mouth opening but nothing coming out, mind only focusing on you.

You, you radiated joy like a sunbeam, brightening everyone's day with your infectious laughter. Your magnetic personality pulled people in without hesitation, like a bees to a field of blooming flowers. Your heart was full of sunshine that spread warmth and happiness wherever you went. Your effervescent spirit bubbled over, filling every room with laughter. People were drawn to you like a moth to a flame, captivated by your vibrant and lively presence. And now you were gone.

The person she saw at the library just days before, was nothing like the person she once knew you as. She didn't know what destroyed you like that, but something did, and she felt the need to know what.

***

Jenna stared at the steam that was flying from the big coffee mug. She felt as if she was teetering on the edge of sleep, her eyelids heavy and her body yearning for rest.

She didn't get a single wink of rest that night, tossing and turning throughout the whole hours of darkness.

The tiredness was quick to disappear when she heard the sound of the bell ringing, signalizing that somebody walked in. She rapidly turned around to check who it was, careful not to make herself dizzy due the exhaustion.

When she saw it was your mom who walked into the coffee shop, she tried shooting her a tired smile, but it quickly disappeared when she saw your mothers state.

She had messy hair, red waterlines and faint eye bags under her eyes, but they were no where close to the ones she saw on your face three days before.

Jenna rose to her feet, ready to shake the woman's hand, but to her surprise your mom just walked straight into her, embracing her with a warm hug.

Your mom slowly pulled away, keeping her hands in a soft grip on Jenna's shoulders and looked into her eyes with a tired smile, almost inspecting her face.

Your mother had asked Jenna if she'd liked to meet up somewhere, just to talk. She accepted without hesitation, feeling like it was a must in their situation.

She was nervous tho, she hadn't seen you or your mom for about 3 years, and she didn't know how much you had told her about the break up. But your mom didn't seem to hate her like she would've thought, she didn't have a single look of hatred in her eyes when she looked at Jenna.

"So Jenna.." your mom sat down in the chair in-front of her on the other side of the table. "Do you have any new projects coming soon?" She smiled, picking up the coffee mug from the table and taking a sip.

Jenna couldn't help but feel at home, a smile creeping up her lips. "Yeah..Yeah I do actually. I have a few." Making your mom nod with an even bigger smile.

And she did, she did have a few coming out soon, but she didn't have any projects that she was currently working on. But she couldn't say that, because then your mom would ask her why, and she couldn't answer that. She couldn't say that she was pregnant when your mother had just lost her daughter. That's why Jenna wore a black coat, trying her best to cover it up; it was just for the best.

"We actually watched one of your most recent projects a few weeks ago.." She kept the conversation going, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "And I really liked it. You're a very talented girl.."

Jenna could feel herself blush at the compliment, but it quickly faded when she realized that was what you used to call her. She was your talented girl, and you were hers.

"Thank you.. Thank you that means a lot. You're too kind."

Your mother smiled sadly, "Y/n loved it a lot as well." She tried, but maybe it was too early to talk about you.

The sound of your name falling out of your moms mouth made a thick layer of silence fall between them. Jenna felt like the room turned smaller, making it harder to breath. She gulped, but the woman in-front of her didn't seem affected by the words; her tired expression didn't change. But she looked down towards the coffee on the table as she started to speak.

"Y'know.. I thought she had gotten better since the.." Your mom abruptly halted her words, as if they were toxic and she couldn't utter them. "Her last attempt." She sighed out, rubbing her temple gently.

Jenna furrowed her eyebrows, her mouth opening before she could even think. "What?"

Your mom returned the furrowed brows, not understanding the younger girl's confusion. "Her last attempt." She repeated, suddenly in a much more questioning tone than last time. "Last year year." She tried to explained further.

Jenna's posture that she had previously straightened now fell, a small 'oh' falling from her lips. She didn't know about that, but what did she expect? You hadn't talked to each other in over three years, of course she didn't know about that.

"It was so nice of you to interrupt your filming just to check up on her." Your mom was now smiling at Jenna again.

It felt as if her entire being was in a state of disarray, with every fiber of her being unsure and bewildered. "Check up on her? Wha– I didn't do that." Jenna stuttered like a messed up vinyl on a record player.

Maybe it was rude to admit such a thing, and in such a confused tone as well. But Jenna couldn't help it, she had no idea what the woman was talking about.

Your moms smile faded as a confused expression took over her face. She opened her mouth to speak, but Jenna broke her to it.

"Mrs L/N, me and Y/n have been broken up for three years." She hesitated while speaking, unsure if it was the right thing to say. Maybe she already knew?

But based on the shocked reaction she got showed that she didn't til now. "Three years?" She questioned, not sure if she had heard it right.

Jenna just nodded as a response; her mouth too dry to say anything more. The grimace on your moms face made her nervous, not having a clue on what was going to happen next.

Your mom didn't lash out like Jenna thought she would, she just put a hand over her mouth, tears almost visible in her eyes.

Jenna began to panic, did she ruin it all? Is your mom going to hate her now? All kinds of questions flashing through her head, you had clearly not told your mom the whole story, how much did you tell?

Without having to ask the question herself, your mom spoke up, like she could've read Jenna's mind. "She told me you guys broke up three weeks ago.." The tears almost fell from her eyes, nothing but confusion and sadness pooling in her eyes.

Jennas mouth opened and closed like a fish in the water, not knowing what to say at all. Why would you lie?

"And she called me the night before, rambling about how she saw you and that you wouldn't want her back like she had wished. I didn't understand what she was talking about.." Your mother spoke rapidly, almost too quickly for Jenna to recall what she was saying.

Jenna's mind went blank, her ears shutting your mothers voice out as she continued talking. The last part she heard was that you had told your mom it was your first time going outside of your apartment in months; aside from going to your therapist.

That's when it all clicked; it was her fault. She was the reason you had flipped and didn't want to live any longer.

You had spent all of your three years waiting for Jenna to take you back, and she didn't. Instead she found another man, got pregnant and engaged to him.

You had waited for her the whole time, but your anticipation was left unappreciated, by her and her only.

can we all reblog this asking @staff to reinstate @cages-boxes-hunters-foxes account to support her case or something. Idk if it will but like, maybe it will?

Tumblr staff that blog is Swiftie Library of Alexandria THERE HAS BEEN AN ERROR. PAY ATTENTION PLS THERE HAS BEEN AN ERROR

Any one else walking fast through the traffic lights, busy streets and busy lives, and ᵃˡˡ we ₖₙₒ𝓌 is ᵗᵒᵘᶜʰ and 𝓰ₒ we are alone with our changing minds, we fall in love ‘til it hurts or bleeds or ᶠᵃᵈᵉˢ in ₜᵢₘₑ 🎸🎸🎸 and I 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 saw you comiIiIiiIiiIiIiiIiiIn’…🎸🎸🎸…and I’ll 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 be. the. sAaaAaaAaaAaaaAaaame!!! 🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸…🎸🎸🎸….you come around and the armor falls—PIERCE the room like a cannon-ball now ᵃˡˡ we ₖₙₒ𝓌 is ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ let 𝓰ₒ we are alone—just you and me—up. in. your. room.—and our slates are clean—just ᵗʷᶦⁿ fire ₛᵢ𝓰ₙₛ…ᶠᵒᵘʳblue ₑᵧₑₛ….SO. YOU. WERE. NEV-ER. A. SAINT. ANDI’VELOVEDINSHADESOFWRONG. WE. LEARN. TO. LIVE. WITH. THE. PAIN. (MOSAIC BROKEN HEARTS.) bUT THIS LOVE IS BRAVE AND WᴵᴵᶦIᴵᶦᶦᴵᶦᶦLˡᵈ!!! and I 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 (oh oh oh oh ah ohohohoh). saw. you. comiIiIiiIiiIiIIin’. and I’ll 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻. be. the. saAaaaaAaaAaaame!!!! this is a state of grace~ this is the worth-while fight~ love is a ruthless gAaAaaMe unless you play it. good. and. right. these are the hands of fAaAaaAaate, you’re my Achilles…hEeEeeEeel…this is the golden age of something good. and right. and…real.

Taylor using Peter Pan and the story of the boy who wouldn't grow up as a whole motif in her writing for a bit was truly excellent. The actual story of Peter and Wendy is sad especially because I think it is mostly an allegory for lost youth.

it’s so good! and it’s the perfect metaphor because the themes of peter and wendy’s story—waiting forever, growing up (or refusing to), promises that aren’t kept—are all at the heart of ttpd. and even beyond that, i just love the way she talks about youth across ttpd/some of midnights. it’s something that you lose, something you can keep, something that gets taken, something you give, etc.

the manuscript

getting Peter is such a win for Toronto n2 honestly

fuck. can i just say something. travis kelce gets on stage at the eras tour and swifties cheer. when he shows up to her shows, he’s seen as a supportive boyfriend. but taylor swift is shown on screen at the super bowl for 5 seconds and the entire stadium boos. the president of the united states even posts about it. they say she’s “ruining football”. if you can’t see the double standard here, you are part of the problem.

ALSO ALSO "the alchemy" and how alchemy's main goal has always been trying to transform ordinary materials into gold, and the number of her lyrics being like "deep blue but you painted me golden" and gold rush and fucking MIDAS TOUCH on the song about a failed proposal???? she is so back in her lyrical parallel era I'm living