Whumptober 2021 - Day 8      ↳ Coughing Up A Lung

“Am I supposed to be grateful to have survived this?”

- Brenna Twohy, Forgive Me My Salt

Merry Whump of May - Day 1

(The Man From U.N.C.L.E. 2015)

@themerrywhumpofmay

“You should not be here.”

This was the first thing that Solo said to Illya in two weeks.

“Too bad.” Illya whispered and finished uncuffing Solo from the metal chair. The dim bulb above made it hard to parse Solo’s expression, as did the bruises. 

“You should have left.” Solo stood slowly, arm wrapped around his chest. He leaned over and spat dark blood on the floor before speaking again. “Why didn’t they bring you in?”

Illya jerked his head towards the door, holding out a pistol.

Solo took it.

Illya took the lead and left the room. “They tried.”

He heard Solo wheeze out a laugh softly behind him.

They finally got outside and Illya led the way to the first car he spotted, halfway down the street from the warehouse. It was unlocked. But no keys. 

While Illya hotwired the vehicle, Solo eased himself into the passenger seat, groaning in pain.

The engine rumbled into life.

Illya slammed the door closed and caught sight of Solo’s face. His head was back against the headrest and his brows were furrowed. The harsh light of day brought the bruises into sharp relief. Yellowing greenish contusions that were healing. And darker, reddish purple for newer ones. 

Illya gripped the steering wheel hard and set his foot against the gas. “Are you ready?”

“No.”

“Good.”

They sped off into the sunset.

An hour later, sun down and surrounded by dark trees, Illya pulled the car to the side of the road.

“We have arrived at milepost-” Illya turned and noticed his companion was asleep. “Solo.”

No answer.

Illya reached out and just barely touched his shoulder when Solo gasped awake. He pressed as far away from Illya as the car door would allow.

“Solo.” Illya retracted his hand and filed that reaction away for later. 

“Y-yes.” Solo relaxed a little. “What?”

“We have arrived at milepost 8. This is where we start walking.”

Solo sighed. “That sounds like the last thing I want to do.” His voice was hoarse.

Illya left the car and circled around to Solo’s door and opened it. “Too bad.”

Solo unfolded himself gingerly from the car. “Where-” He stopped to breathe. “Are we going?”

“Remote cabin.” Illya retrieved two bags from the side of the road from underneath some bushes, damp with dusk dew.

Solo limped over and took the map, compass, and bag Illya held out to him. “How remote?”

“We will arrive by dawn if we make good time.”

Solo swore, coughed, and swore again as he slung the bag over his shoulders. 

Illya paused for a moment and looked his partner up and down.

“What?” Solo asked. Hunched over. Already panting. 

“Can you?”

“Can I what?”

“Make good time?”

Solo straightened up immediately. Even in the darkness of night, Illya could see his jaw was set. Eyes gleaming.

“No pain, no gain.” Solo grated out. 

“That does not make any sense. Follow me.” Illya led the way into the dark trees.

A few hours later, Illya stopped and waited for Solo to catch up. “Water.”

Panting, Solo nodded.

They both drank from the canteens in the bags and caught their breath. The forest was thick with trees and brush and the hillsides were steep with slippery pine needles and rocks. It was slow going. Slower than Illya had hoped. But it could not be helped. 

He watched his partner take out the map and compass. 

“Flashlight?” Solo wheezed.

Illya stepped over and flicked on his flashlight.

Solo took a small step back, map shaking in his hands.

“Th-this is the location?” He pointed at a small pen mark in the middle of the map.

Illya stopped where he was. “Yes.”

“Right.” Solo sighed, held the compass into the flashlight’s beam, turned a pace or two to the right. “We need to be going this way.”

“We should take a break.” Illya did not want to push Solo too hard. The way he was favoring his chest suggested a broken rib. Or more. And that could not be all. The point of rescuing Solo was not to kill him in the process. 

“Sit down.” Illya urged his partner.

“No.” Solo pocketed the compass and map again. “Sorry, but if I do that, I won’t get up again. We keep moving. Unless, you need a break?”

It was dark but Illya could hear a little smile in Solo’s last words. At least he felt well enough to needle Illya. 

“We keep moving.” Illya agreed. 

The first tatters of dawn were showing when they reached the cabin. They were cold and damp from a mist that had settled into hills. Feet wet from fording a few streams. They trudged inside. It was bare bones. Cool and musty. A fireplace. A table. Kitchen sink. Bed in the corner. 

“This is honestly worse than the warehouse.” Solo drawled, panting. He dropped his bag to the creaking wooden floor planks.

“Be grateful.” Illya sniffed and set down his pack on the rough table. “You are safe here.”

“Yes, safe from a hot bath.”

“There is a gas generator and well-water. This is better than most hotels.” Illya dryly said.

Solo edged closer to the kitchen windows and stripped off his jacket and damp shirt slowly and painfully.

Illya stayed across the cabin, despite how much he wanted to help.

Finally free of the shirt, Solo let it drop to the floor and looked down at his torso. In the dim dawn light from the grimy windows, Illya could see a mess of mottled bruises, the worst of it dark like thunderclouds over Solo’s ribs.

Illya realized Solo was falling before Solo did.

A brief moment. A sway. Eyes glazed. Eyelids fluttering.

Illya strode across the cabin and caught Solo as he went down, head hanging limply. The heat coming off Solo’s body was concerning. And he was slick with sweat. 

Solo’s faint only lasted a moment.

He began to thrash in Illya’s arms, pushing away. Frantic. A rough sob tore from his throat.

“Stop.” Solo’s voice was barely a whisper. “Don’t.”

Illya did not drop Solo to the floor but lowered him as carefully as he could as Solo struggled. And then he backed away.

“Sorry.” He muttered.

Solo propped himself against the kitchen cabinets, panting, eyes wide and wet. Tears threatened to fall.

“Sorry.” Solo coughed. “I don’t-”

“It is fine.” Illya cut him off. “They beat you. I know. I am sorry.”

Solo just breathed and shook then closed his eyes. “Yes.”

“You are safe now.” Illya knew there wasn’t anything he could say that would fix this. But he tried. “You rest. I keep watch. I will keep you safe.”

A few tears hit the wood floor, soft sounds, the only sound. 

“Thanks, Peril.”

OLIVER STARK  Into The Badlands → 1.03 “White Stork Spreads Wings”

“You’re safe, Leo. It’s me.”

            “Mattie.”

hi merlin fandom i'm back I have more tallies for you, I only have one spreadsheet for this so it won't be nearly as huge as my spell tally, but I am doing all the seasons in one go so who knows

BBC Merlin Whump Tallies

After rewatching the entirety of the show, some episodes more than once, and taking notes the whole time, I present to you a summary of data categorising the injuries and illnesses sustained by all named, recurring characters (2-pt-ers not withstanding) from 2008-2012's BBC Merlin.

Season 1

Season 1 contained a total of 27 incidents to its various characters. The character with the most incidents was Merlin, with 6 (22%). In earlier counts, he was the only character this season to endure at least one in every category: Small, 'Somewhere in-between', Life-threatening, Poison/Venom/Drugged, Magical Affliction, and Thrown/Unhorsed.

The runner up was Arthur, who had 5 incidents (19%).

Arthur and Merlin tied for character who was rendered unconscious most often, with Arthur passing out 3 times and being knocked out once, and Merlin being knocked out 3 times and passing out once.

Smallest injury: Merlin - graze on his shoulder blade from getting hit by the handle of a broomstick wielded by Arthur in Episode 1. I know in scar reveal fics people like to use the supposed mace wound from the fight with Arthur as 'Merlin's first scar', but unfortunately that has no actual basis in canon. Arthur does not hit Merlin with a mace (there aren't even maces in that fight, the weapon they use is called a flail). Merlin causes the chain to get tangled earlier in the fight, after which Arthur grabs a broomstick to use as a weapon instead.

Dumbest injury: Not sure about "dumb" but easily the most inconsequential is in Episode 7-- one of the times Merlin gets put in the stocks he comes back sore, complaining "they were throwing potatoes!"

Things Merlin should not have survived: His heart stopping in Episode 4 (antidote wouldn't be absorbed that fast, + can't circulate if no circulation), getting struck by Sidhe lightning in Episodes 7 and 12 (insta-kills everyone else, including the Sidhe themselves who explode. Only exception to this is Grunhilda in Season 3, a pixie, who does also explode it just takes more than one shot), and getting struck by a fireball in Episode 13 (self-explanatory I think).

Season 2

Season 2 contained a total of 22 incidents, an 18.52% decrease from Season 1 and the lowest of any season. The greatest number of these were made up by Arthur, who was injured or poisoned/drugged 10 times (45%). The runner up was Merlin, who was injured 5 times (23%).

The character rendered unconscious the greatest amount of times was Arthur, who passed out or was knocked out 2 times each.

Smallest injury: Arthur gets elbowed in the stomach by the troll in the confrontation at the end of Episode 6, it's ok though he almost immediately gets launched across the room into a wall so they made up for it (and he had been on the brink of death mere moments before due to willingly drinking poison).

Dumbest injury: Sorry Gwen, but it's probably when she fell and hurt her ankle for plot purposes in Episode 4. It doesn't even continue to bother her at any later point in the episode.

Things Merlin should not have survived: Nothing! He was pretty physically safe this season. Ish.

Season 3

Season 3 contained a total of 32 incidents, an increase of 45.45% from Season 2, led in number by Merlin who had 9 incidents (28%) all to himself. 3 of these were small injuries however, so he was not quite as damaged by the end of the season as Arthur, who had 8 incidents (25%).

The character rendered unconscious the greatest amount of times was Arthur, who passed out 5 times and was knocked out once.

Smallest injury: When Merlin was hit in the stomach by the pommel of Morgana's sword in the crypt in Episode 2, but honourable mention to when Merlin and Arthur were shot with tranquilliser darts and fell from their horses in Episode 12. TBF falling from a horse is incredibly dangerous, but neither of them had any residual effects or pain, and it's hilarious to me that they got shot with tranquilliser darts. Like rabid animals. The scene also is just really funny.

Dumbest injury: When Merlin was being dumb and demonstrating his lack of understanding of a) what a sword is and b) blade safety by messing around with "Sir Ethan" and "Sir Oswald"'s swords, and dropping one on his finger, getting a decent little cut.

Things Merlin should not have survived: Getting stung by an adult serket in Episode 1, not to mention the fact that he had already been knocked out for hours earlier that day (not normal to be out for that long, sign of brain injury), that he was bound in chains that made it difficult to breathe and impossible to move also for several hours, and the fact that Kilgharrah also took multiple hours to get to him (if you're not sure about this, rewatch the sequence and pay attention to the amount of daylight in each shot). Unbelievable. (Did receive external treatment so take it with a grain of salt.) Honourable mention to when he was thrown all the way across the council chambers in Episode 13 and was literally writhing in pain before having to get back up and finish dealing with the cup of life. Oh my god I hope he got treatment for that.

Season 4

Season 4 contained a total of 78 incidents, an 143.75% increase from Season 3 (yikes), headed up by Merlin who goes through 21 incidents (27%). That's right, almost as high as the total of all incidents sustained by all recurring characters in Season 2. Leave that kid alone!! 5 of them were counted as small injuries, but that still leaves him significantly ahead of the runner up- Arthur who had 11 incidents (14%) (with 4 of them considered small, leaving him barely more injured than 3rd place, which is tied between Leon and Morgana, both on 7 [9%]).

The character rendered unconscious the greatest amount of times was (you guessed it!) Merlin, who passed out 5 times and was knocked out a further 6 times. 6 of those collective 11 instances were in a single episode. Episode 6: A Servant of Two Masters was awful for his nervous system. (Interesting note: Runner up for this season is actually not Arthur, who's only unconscious twice this season! Rather it's shared between Elyan and Gwaine, who each pass out and are knocked out twice apiece, for a total of 4 instances each.)

Smallest injury: Arthur elbows the shade of Lancelot in the stomach in their confrontation in Episode 9.

Dumbest injury: PERCIVAL. IN EPISODE 2. All caps because THIS IS SO PREVENTABLE. Ok so we're all extremely aware of this man's constant lack of sleeves, including on his armour. Now, studio execs, I get it, really I do. As Bradley James says: 'Guns haven't been invented in Camelot but he brings two of them.' He's a beautiful man. On another note, we all are aware what type of attack chainmail is meant to prevent, yes? It's slashing. And where, might I ask, does Percival get his only injury from a slashing attack? Bingo! On his goddamn arms. In Episode 2. No other knight has that problem in this episode because all of them have sleeves. Percival. (That being said it was a wyvern attack so it may have tore through the armour anyway but I'm ignoring that.)

Things Merlin should not have survived: Getting struck by the Dorocha in Episode 1 (insta-kill for literally everyone else, but Merlin survives long enough for magical treatment). The other injury I had marked as life-threatening was the flail wound from Episode 6, not only because of the internal damage it would have done but also because of how fast and how seriously it became infected, but that received external magical healing so it's fair that he survived it. If Morgana hadn't treated it, then he should have died.

Honourable mentions to Gwaine, Gaius, and Elyan who were kept in a cell and starved for 7 days in Episodes 12 and 13. This didn't make it onto the spreadsheet because I didn't know how to count it, but it's in the tallies. During this time, Elyan was also "tortured to the limit of human endurance" (direct quote from Gaius), and Gwaine was taken out of the cell multiple times to fight for his food, meaning he was both malnourished and getting beaten up at the same time! Plus Gaius literally thought he was going to die in that cell and had a whole speech about it.

Season 5

Season 5 contained a total of 64 incidents, a 17.95% decrease from Season 4. The character who endured the most issues was Merlin, who had 11 incidents (17%). The runner-up was very close behind, being Arthur on 10 incidents (16%).

The character rendered unconscious the greatest amount of times was Merlin, who passed out 7 times and was knocked out 4 times.

Smallest injury: Gwaine got slapped by one of Morgana's henchmen in Episode 1 after back-talking her.

Dumbest injury: Audrey, the cook, confronted Merlin in his Dragoon form in Episode 7. She threatened him with a triple-pronged fire poker, accused him of conspiracy to steal her pies, and in response he insulted her and knocked her out with a pot. Iconic.

Things Merlin should not have survived: There are a few things Merlin only survives with external treatment this season, which kind of disqualifies them from the purpose of this section (see the disclaimers at the bottom of this post) but I'll list the worst of them anyway. In Episode 8, he is knocked out, poisoned, and kicked off a cliff. The poison largely immobilises him, and he is left alone in the forest for at least ~27 hours, unable even to turn his head in order to vomit safely. He also has a seizure after treatment is administered, then falls unconscious after. In Episode 10, he is shot in the side with an arrow. The arrow is pulled out, no first aid or pressure or anything AT ALL are applied, and then he is forced to run from assailants for some hours. He passes out before he is found and healed.

Honourable mention to Episode 12, which had absolutely bonkers amount of external magical intervention to save his life (magic had been stolen, causing him to pass out when it initially happens, and later he loses consciousness three separate times in that cave). Honourable mention also to Episode 13, which I'm not sure he really survived at all.

Overall

BBC Merlin subjects its recurring characters to a total of 223 whump incidents throughout its 65 episodes.

The characters who was whumped on the most was Merlin, who endured 52 incidents (23%, or once every 1.25 episodes).

The runner up is Arthur, who underwent 44 incidents throughout the show (20%, or once every 1.48 episodes).

Merlin also fell unconscious the most of any character, passing out 17 times and getting knocked out 15 times for a total of 32 instances rendered unconscious.

Arthur was also the runner up for amount of times rendered unconscious, with a total of 22 -- knocked out 9 times and passed out 13.

This was, obviously, very predictable, so I'll give you third and fourth places as well.

For total whump incidents:

3rd Place - Morgana - 23 incidents (10%)

4th Place - Leon - 16 incidents (7%)

For being rendered unconscious:

3rd Place - Morgana - 11 incidents (4 passing out, 7 knocked out, + the time she was in a coma in S1, which was more 'not waking up' than either of the options listed but you may count it if you wish.)

4th Place - Gwaine - 10 incidents (5 passing out, 5 knocked out)

Because there were so few examples of it, I did do unconscious counts for non-recurring named characters as well.

Named characters were rendered unconscious a collective of 113 times in 65 episodes. That means someone known to the audience became unconscious once every 0.57 of an episode, or almost twice per episode.

This was split between passing out - 59 total incidents (once every 1.10 episodes) and getting knocked out - 54 total incidents (once every 1.20 episodes).

Characters frequently unconscious previously stated. Characters not listed in the spreadsheet who became unconscious were:

Sir Ewan - Passed out when bitted by an enchanted snake - 1x02

Jonas - Knocked out when Merlin smashes a piece of pottery over his head- 2x05

Princess Elena - Passed out when Merlin sedated her - 3x06

King Cenred - Knocked out when the ceiling of the throneroom in the Castle of Fyrien collapsed - 3x07

Julius Borden - Knocked out when Merlin threw him against a wall in the Tomb of Ashkanar - 4x04

Princess Mithian - Passed out after riding through the night to Camelot after Nemeth is conquered - 5x04

Audrey, the cook - Knocked out when Merlin gets annoyed with her and whacks her over the head with a pot - 5x07

While my spreadsheets do not reflect this, the compiled dataset actually takes every named character into account, including non-recurring ones, like guest characters and villains-of-the-week. This even includes characters without any screentime, as long as we know their name. Therefore, without further ado--

Every knight of Camelot who is canonically dead in the BBC Merlin universe (members of the BBCM round table italicised):

Sir Ewan (1x02)

Sir Owain (1x09)

Sir Pellinor (1x09)

Sir Bedivere - no screentime (1x13)

Sir Alynor (2x02)

Sir Ethan (3x04)

Sir Oswald (3x04)

Sir Edric - no screentime (3x12)

Sir Alduuf - no screentime (3x12)

Sir Osric - no screentime (3x12)

Sir Lancelot

Sir Ranulf - no screentime (5x05)

Sir Elyan

Sir Gwaine

King Arthur

Also, not that you're asking, but Sir Pellinor was killed in the episode Excalibur and Sir Bedivere was killed in the episode Le Morte d'Arthur by the Questing Beast. It would make literally no difference and would be so much more in touch with the Arthurian mythos this entire show stems from if they just switched the names. It makes no sense to me that they kill Pellinor before the Questing Beast plotline when they literally do the Questing Beast IN THE SAME SEASON.

And last but not least, I made some graphs if you'd like them (open the image for higher quality) (sorry the first one's so ugly, it had such low readability as a line graph so I switched it to an area chart):

Figure 1: A stepped area chart showing the frequency of whump incidents for prominent recurring character by season.

Figure 2: An area chart showing the frequency of total whump incidents by season.

Figure 3: A line graph showing the frequency of passing out for some characters (round table -Gaius +Morgana) by season.

Figure 4: A line graph showing the frequency of getting knocked out for some characters (round table -Gaius +Morgana) by season.

Disclaimers and Data

Big one first: Merlin is my favourite character, which means I have bestowed on him the role of whump victim (<3). Because of this I was biased towards recording his misfortunes more than other characters. I tried to be fair and sympathetic to the plights of other characters just as much, but it's important you're aware of that anyway.

The reason I included "Things Merlin should not have survived" as a category was because of his immortality. I am very aware that other characters went through life-threatening things -- at times more than Merlin did -- but I personally headcanon that Merlin actually did die at some points and was revived by his magic (particularly in Season 1). Even if you don't have that headcanon as well, you have to admit his magic had to play a role in saving his life sometimes, and I wanted to have a list of those occasions.

And as always, my counting is imperfect and at times generated discrepancies. Here are some of the measures I took to minimise them:

Merlin and Arthur's unconscious stats (# times they passed out/were knocked out) were retallied.

All characters' unconscious stats were retallied and categorised by season.

Characters that showed discrepancies between the two counts were retallied again (Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, Leon, Gwen, Percival)

Character injury data was inputted episode-by-episode. When the final episodes' data was bulk uploaded, all characters were retallied. Characters whose numbers lowered in the retally were retallied again (Morgause, Percival, and Hunith -- who was since removed from the spreadsheet).

Characters whose whump totals differed between the tallies and the spreadsheet were retotaled (Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, Gwaine, Gaius) until the discrepancy was eliminated (in Merlin and Arthur's case, retallied entirely).

Merlin's numbers specifically were retallied, retotaled, or recounted more than 10. Times. So trust me, all known discrepancies have been eliminated.

That being said, if you happen to look through the original document and find I missed an injury or illness, it won't be in the numbers or the spreadsheet, so let me know!!

You can find those details here:

Original Dataset A list, with descriptions, of every incidence of whump that occurred to a named character by episode.

Spreadsheet The numerical data with accompanying graphs.

I hope these may be useful to you, especially all my fellow whump writers out there <3 keep doing what you're doing, and feel free to get in touch if you notice an error, want further clarification, or just want to chat! I'm always happy to chat.

Personal note: I'm such a sucker for medical accuracy. I'm currently studying to go into the medical field, so if we're both still around in a couple years, expect me to come back and bring you some scientifically-informed analyses of how truly not-ok these guys are.

And thank you so much for reading!! <3

Major Sharpe has a slash to the left shoulder that's gone to the bone, but what's gonna kill him is the bullet in his belly. If he were a dog I'd shoot him.

Sharpe's Sword (1995)

Mediwhump May - Day 6

"Needlephobic"

(Mystery Men - 1999)

@mediwhumpmay

“What was he wearing?” Roy limped over to the curb, Eddie guiding him by the arm.

“Shingles.” Eddie grunted as they sat down together.

Jeff shielded his eyes from the flashing blue and red lights across the street. “He had fashioned them into some kind of armor. My forks were nearly useless.”

Roy grimaced as he stretched out his leg.

“You got him eventually, right in the ass.” Eddie added. 

“True.” Jeff sighed as he counted his leftover ammunition. “He deserved it. Especially for the nails. Why does one decide to use a nail gun when interrupting a performance of Shakespeare in the Skate Park?”

“Roofing.” Roy grasped the long nail embedded in the meat of his inner thigh and pulled. It slid free, painfully, covered in blood. Roy let out a long whine and held back a sob. “His theme is roofing.” He rasped. 

“Oh.” Eddie nodded. “The shingles, the nail gun, the-”

“The rebellion against roofless theater productions?” Jeff finished. 

“So weird.” Roy sighed. “But dedicated.”

Eddie caught sight of the bloody nail that Roy held. “Oh no, Roy, you should have let the medics take that out.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Roy waved him off. “I’ve had worse. Besides, they’re busy with Mercutio.”

“I suppose-” Eddie cut himself off. “Oh come on, Roy, you’ve got one in your hand!” He grabbed Roy’s wrist and held it up.

The long nail had flown through Roy’s palm and the tip poked through the back of his hand. It wasn’t bleeding much, but that was because the nail was plugging the hole. 

Jeff frowned. “How many did he get you with, Roy?”

“I dunno.” Roy shrugged. He was tired and sore and thinking was hard. “ A few.”

“A few?” Eddie stood up. “How do you not know? Hang on, let’s do a count. I can’t believe I have to do this for you.”

“I can believe it.” Jeff stood up too. 

“Going to need a metal detector.”

“Come on, guys. I just wanna go home.” Roy whined. 

“Okay, so one in the hand.” Eddie ignored him and began to circle, looking for other nails. “One in the boot. Ouch, straight through your foot.” “Yeah, I was nailed to the stage for a minute.” Roy laughed weakly.

Jeff laughed as well then quickly stopped. “The one from his thigh.”

“Three so far.” Eddie nodded. 

“I think that’s it.” Roy grumbled.

“Let’s at least get you checked out.” Eddie offered his hand to help Roy up from the curb. “Also when was the last time you got your tetanus shot?”

“My what?”

Eddie looked over at Jeff, who nodded silently.

“Let’s go to the clinic.”

“Aw, man.” Roy whined.

Ten minutes later, they piled out of Eddie’s car and into the 24-hour clinic. It was quiet around midnight so the wait was pretty short. A nurse took Roy back, and Eddie and Jeff stayed in the waiting room. 

“How long do you think it’ll take?” Eddie asked Jeff, flipping through a sticky magazine.

“Oh.” Jeff thought for a moment. “Five minutes.” He answered.

“How about ten?”

“You’re on. I’ll watch the clock.”

Four minutes later, the nurse reappeared. 

Jeff stood up. “You owe me dinner.”

The nurse walked over. “Would either of you be able to accompany your friend? He’s…” She searched for a word. “Agitated.”

Eddie stood too. “We’ll both come back.”

The nurse led them back to the examination room. Roy immediately tried to leave as soon as she opened the door. 

“Eddie, I’m fine. Let’s leave. Get me out of here.” Roy spoke quickly in a low mutter. “Come on, Jeff, let’s go, let’s go.”

“Whoa, there.” Eddie gently corralled Roy back in, like a spooked horse. “They’re just going to give you a little check-up, Roy.”

“And a shot!” Roy’s voice almost squeaked. “I don’t-... I don’t like…” “Don’t like needles.” Eddie finished. 

Roy sat back down on the exam table, pale and sweating. “Yeah.” He whispered. 

“We know, that’s why we’re here.” Eddie reassured. “It’ll be really quick. You don’t want tetanus, right?”

“Lock-jaw, Roy.” Jeff chimed in, seating himself in a nearby chair. 

“That actually sounds better than the shot.” Roy said.

“You won’t even feel it.” Eddie said. “Besides, you’ve been stabbed before, Roy, how are you scared of needles?”

“I dunno. I’d rather be stabbed. Can they do that? Use a knife? For the shot?” Roy looked around. “Or a scalpel. Anything but…” He trailed off. 

“You know.” Jeff tapped his chin in thought. “This reminds me of the time we saved the blood drive nurses from the Blood Bandits and you lost so much blood that they just strapped you in the chair to give you blood with that absolutely enormous needle-”

“Okay, okay.” Roy hopped off the table. “I’m leaving.”

“I can’t let you do that, Roy.” Eddie stood in his way. “As your friend, I am going to make sure you get this shot.”

Roy laughed, pretended to back off, then feinted to the left, and made a dash to the right. He tried to get to the door. But he was full of nails and too slow. 

Eddie grabbed him. Jeff stood in front of the door. 

And then the doctor walked in. 

“What have we here?” She asked. 

All three of them stopped struggling. 

“Nothing.” Roy straightened his coat. 

“Nothing.” Eddie let go of Roy.

“Nothing.” Jeff picked up a fork he’d dropped. 

“I see.” The doctor put down her clipboard. “Well, which one of you is Roy?”

Jeff pointed at Roy.

“Thanks, man.” Roy sighed. 

“I will take a bullet for you, Roy, but not a shot”

The doctor sighed. “So Roy, you had an accident with a…” She turned a page. “Nail?”

“Nail gun.” Eddie corrected. 

“Okay, and how many nails?” “Three.” Roy sighed.

“We think.” Jeff added. 

“You think?” The doctor raised an eyebrow.

“Pretty sure.” Eddie admitted.

“Uh-huh.” The doctor paused for a moment, looked over each of them, then proceeded. “Well, let’s get those nails out, Roy. Then we’ll go from there.”

Roy nodded, almost green.

The doctor and an assistant bandaged the thigh wound and extracted the nail from Roy’s foot. The hand was last. Slowly, carefully, the doctor took the nail out and dressed the wound. She kept up a conversation with Roy the whole time, who was visibly relaxing. 

Once that was done, Roy sighed. “That wasn’t so bad. Could we save the-... the shot for another day.”

“No, we can’t.” The doctor answered. 

“Why not?”

“Because we’ve already done it.” The doctor stepped back. She had been blocking Roy’s line of sight of his other arm. 

The assistant was currently pulling a needle out of Roy’s shoulder.

“Oh.” Roy swayed. And fainted.

“There he goes.” Eddie sighed.

“He’s reliable.” Said Jeff.

Frank Castle + Blood