I Don't Know What The Heck Is Going On And Who's Gansey And Who's Adam But Holy Moly I Need More (?)

wait a minute...does Renée choose her name bc it means "reborn" in french (re-née)

she is reborn from Natalie's ashes into Renée DUDE HELLO

*takes you by the shoulders and shakes violently* listen to me. You have to listen to me. I don’t have enough time to explain.

Aaron Minyard opened his acceptance letter into med school with every. Single. One. Of the og 9 (10 in our hearts) foxes present. (Plus Wymack and Abby). He was surrounded by his entire family when he opened those results.

When he got in it was the only time any of them had seen Aaron cry. Andrew had such a tight grip on the back of Aaron’s neck during it he almost left bruises. Neil was holding his hand (neither will admit to doing such a thing). Nicky sobbed (Erik was on video call when Aaron opened the results. Erik got noise complaints from how excitedly he was cheering). Kevin finally realized medicine was Aaron’s exy and was happily shaking Aaron’s shoulders.

It goes down in fox history as one of the best moments for all of them. The photos hang on the fox wall in the foxhole court.

Wymack and Abby both keep framed photos of Aaron with his acceptance letters in their offices (right next to the photos they keep of all og 9 foxes getting their offers for pro teams).

Edit:

I FORGOT KATELYN OH FUCK

I’m at work rn but tonight I revise ok ok ok I promise (Katelyn my fellow red head I’m so sorry 😭)

so, another thing about collegiate teams is that they usually have an alumni game.

now the foxes don't have any alumni by the end of the books, but they will eventually.

now this might be different for a sport like exy (I played lax which really dosent have a large professional league, but the big d1 schools i think still do this too) but yk what it usually happens during pre-season anyways and its always a ton of fun.

Because what happens is that it's usually a game of alumni vs current players. and that is hilarious.

(Dan gets back on the court and gets to win against her current players)

(the current players are just like 'this is so unfair' and 'what the fuck do you mean I have to guard kevin motherfucking day' or ' how the fuck am I supposed to score? minyard is in goal???')

Neil has the time of his life btw - because an alumni game is also a chance for everyone to play on the foxes' court again, a chance to come home!

(Princess of Gender Dysphoria) A dream.

Applejack's plea with the manufacturer (God, Hasbro, and me?) Alternatively, an expression of my past relationship trauma.

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in my head andrew and neil don't do like. classic date nights out and couply shit like that no their couples' shit is much weirder. like one time they spent 3 days doing a bit where they talked to each other exclusively doing bad brooklyn accents and impressions of movie mob guys. they will periodically send each other pictures of rocks and the other will name the rock. they go on walks together and rate birds on arbitrary scales. like just *neil points at pigeon* "six out of eight. couldn't carry a coconut across the atlantic if it had to." neil gets injured and is off court for three weeks so andrew puts up a basketball hoop on the back of their bedroom door so he feels like he's practicing his aim. their basketball game has been going for 4 years now and there is a very long points tally going on a whiteboard in the kitchen. will both start drumming out a beat on one of the cats and coordinate perfectly whilst saying nothing. they're strange. the old lady who lives across the hall absolutely adores them both.

imagine you’re andrew and you’ve gone through almost two decades of struggle—over a dozen foster homes and therapists, juvie, abuse, finding out you have a long-lost twin, medically-induced mania, and are viewed as a heartless threat to society even by your own family.

and suddenly you’re struck by (or more accurately, you strike) some rando little runner from arizona who throws wymack’s offer back in his face just like you did. someone who hates cops and lies to feds, who respects your boundaries but still challenges you. someone who’s not a chain smoker like you but tolerates craves the smell. someone who, for all of his lies, is not as slick as he thinks he is. someone who sees you not as a threat to others but as a threat to yourself. someone with a killer’s smile who doesn’t flinch away from anything you throw at him. someone who bears the scars of surviving childhood and hides them just like you do. someone with so much passion for exy who sees your potential, not for his own benefit, but for yours. someone who doesn’t swing but sees you as someone who is worthy of care and protection and affection.

he’s so offensively perfect i would think he’s a pipe dream too.

still foaming at the mouth at the fact that neil and andrew have matching flip phones, matching coats, matching armbands, they both have keys to the maserati. the fact that they are inseparable to the point that jean notices the way they move like they are caught in each other's gravity, the lingering looks when one falls out of the orbit for too long. neil learning the importance of give and take from andrew and offering jean something in exchange for keeping him alive. you are what you love or whatever

andreil is NOT an 'i can fix him' scenario. neil saw andrew and was like 'hes scary i'm going to let him save my life' and andrew saw neil and said 'hes so fucked up i wonder what happens if i do this' and then took him to the club

the one true 'i can fix him' in all for the game is kateaaron. THAT was a girl seeing a fucked up blond guy and going 'yeah i can fix that'. and she DID. queen.

neil's learned obliviousness

gearing myself up to write another essay about neil josten. the grind never stops. had to figure out why people making neil super clueless and oblivious always rubbed me the wrong way even tho it's technically canon so here it is.

ok so i have a lot of thoughts about neil and obliviousness but i'm gonna mostly condense them into this single thesis statement: neil only pays attention to and notices things he deems important.

we've been knew atp that neil has insane tunnel vision, and that often comes across in his narration. because of this, it's easy to assume that neil is just genuinely very clueless and oblivious when it comes to social interaction and also romantic relationships, flirting, etc.

i know nora herself said that neil wouldn't realise if someone is flirting with him because he's dense as a brick and while i appreciate the comedic value of socially oblivious neil i generally take this characterisation with a grain of salt because it very quickly leans into territory of neil being just generally dumb and inept, which i lowk can't stand because it sanitises and declaws neil a lot and makes him boring and stereotypical.

so i raise you this: neil's obliviousness (if you want to call it that) throughout aftg and in his narration is deliberate. mostly, i think it's all intentional. he literally intentionally refuses to notice or give attention to certain things. and because of his relentless focus on only a couple of things (exy and his survival), things like socialising and relationships get put on the backburner unless they relate to the two aforementioned things.

let's dissect it using examples.

nicky's flirting. neil's narration is pretty clear-cut when it comes to this. he doesn't demonstrate much confusion towards nicky's behaviour except that he doesn't really know why nicky's more interested in him than exy. crucially, he isn't confused about why nicky demonstrates an interest in him (which is because he thinks neil is hot), he's just confused about why nicky is investing energy into flirting with him when, in his mind, there are better things to be doing. it seems, at least in his narration, that he knows nicky is flirting, he just doesn't know why and also doesn't really care to focus on it. aside from an initial discomfort/expression of disinterest, neil doesn't linger on nicky's comments and flirtations for the rest of the series. he narrates it when it's relevant but doesn't make any additional internal comments towards it because it doesn't pertain to his two priorities: exy and survival.

marissa's flirting. i feel like there's two ways to interpret neil's response to marissa's advance "i can give you my number". neil says "what for?" and you can either take this as genuine confusion or just neil kinda being a dick. i lowk never considered the first option and just jumped straight to "neil doesn't really care about hurting this girl's feelings" lmfao. i think i'm right tho, because he elaborates and makes it clear he isn't interested in pursuing relationships outside of the foxes (see: priority no. 1, exy) and when nicky and dan comment on it, making it explicitly clear that marissa was asking neil out, neil doesn't express any confusion over what she was trying to do. people who write neil being genuinely exaggeratedly clueless when being flirted with need to remember that neil wasn't unaware of marissa's intentions during this scene, he was just so aggressively disinterested that he failed to remark on most of it. he never expresses any actual confusion or obliviousness about her flirting.

andrew. ok look. this is gonna require some explaining. first of all let's talk about andrew's attraction to neil on a purely physical level. their nothingship era, if you will. neil's dizzying whiplash during the "that doesn't mean i wouldn't blow you" scene is honestly pretty understandable. like really, who wasn't surprised during that scene? the hints in the previous books about andrew's attraction towards neil were so subtle that most of us readers had to reread a couple times to actually catch the progression and build-up. and also, andrew was high and manic for most of the first two books, so it's understandable that neil probably chalked up a lot of andrew's yapping and odd behaviours to the drugs, rather than a genuine expression of andrew's feelings. that's not to say he discounted the things andrew told him, but since he's always taken andrew at face value, he also didn't doubt andrew's "i hate you" and supposed dislike of him. i think it's actually very very understandable that neil didn't pick up on andrew's attraction to him because 1. why would you ever assume that about anyone anyway 2. neil is pretty preoccupied with being hunted down by his serial killer father and the japanese mafia 3. andrew was NOT making it easy on neil at all. this is partially because andrew himself wasn't ready to face the reality of his feelings for neil and also just his general confusing way of going about things. it makes a lot of sense that even neil, who's generally good at reading andrew and picking up on his hints, would miss whatever hints andrew was dropping about this, if any. and finally, 4. andrew wanting to fuck neil doesn't have anything to do with exy or survival, so neil instinctively filters it out and doesn't think about it a lot. next, i guess we have to talk about andrew's actual feelings for neil. again, we like to make fun of neil for never picking up on the fact that andrew is in LOVE with him during their situationship phase. but again, i think it makes a lot of sense? yes, andrew wasn't exactly subtle about it by a certain point (see: baltimore reunion) but also, neil has literally been pavloved to reject romantic relationships. one of the ways he "justifies" his nothingship with andrew is by assuring himself that andrew is only physically attracted to him. and the other justification is that he sees andrew as intertwined with the idea of his survival, because of the deal they have. keeping andrew close and being in a relationship with him is directly related to his own safety and survival. because neil's lowk manipulated his own thinking to associate andrew implicitly with survival, suddenly their relationship is a lot more prioritised in neil's mind and narration, because it pertains to priority no. 2, survival. i truly, truly believe neil's refusal or inability to see andrew's actual feelings for him is deliberate. he doesn't want to notice that andrew actually is in love with him because that is area he isn't familiar with and he doesn't want to hurt andrew when he dies. but because he obviously does want to continue this little "nothing" with andrew, and because he associates andrew with survival, he's unwilling to let go of him. so he just refuses to notice and remains deliberately oblivious to andrew's feelings for him. it's all very psychological.

final argument: people like to make fun of neil for not realising his own feelings for andrew but listen. he does realise. he never says that he doesn't feel anything for andrew. he never denies being in love with or attracted to andrew, not even in his own head. he registers, literally in trk, after his conversation with nicky, that he sees andrew differently and could be developing feelings for him, but he literally forcibly pushes the thoughts away because they would distract him from priority no. 1 (exy) and priority no. 2 (survival). he also notices in the back half of tkm that their nothingship has taken on new weight and means more than just "nothing" but he avoids acknowledging it with andrew even when he's aware of it in his own mind. so yeah. neil isn't in a state of denial. like at all.

also, neil does notice things when they pertain to his priorities. like, he picked up on jeanee the same way kevin did. he noticed literally in trk the way jean reacted differently to renee, but he only chose to acknowledge and mention it out loud when he could use it to his advantage. and it did work out in everyone's favour, because he brought it up with kevin, kevin gave renee jean's number, and that's how jean was able to escape the nest and survive the year. so, lbr, neil isn't as clueless and out-of-it as the fandom likes to make him. he can be very perceptive and socially aware when it pertains to his narrow-minded priorities.

ok at the end of the day, i can acknowledge: it is not that deep. if ppl want to make neil super oblivious and clueless and socially inept, it's not rlly a big deal. i just personally hate when they dumb neil down when he is honestly such a smart and perceptive character and his intelligence is actually such a huge part of the series. so anyway. i hope u enjoyed this essay, it's been a while so it's a little rough.

i love fanfics where seth is still alive, it makes me so sad he deserved so much better and he deserves to get the chance to grow and change and make up for his mistakes:(( it also BREAKS MY HEART the fact he was clean when he went out HE WAS CLEAN HE DIDNT DO IT HE WAS CLEAN