Height Difference - Dialogue

Had to post this because my fanfiction is not vibing with me and it’s named after this song so I had toooo just to vibe to feel like I could post something to do with it

JUST REMINISCING (CUZ I FOUND AN OLD ALBUM THAT I USED TO LISTEN TO LIKE DAILY WHEN I WAS LIKE 15😂)

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW I USED TO FIND THIS SO FUCKIN HOT AND NOW I LIKE MATTY AND G ,

HAVE I MATURED OR NOT 😂😂

(DAPPY)

(THE OBVS MATTY AND G)

I’m taking one shot requests right now , my current one is on a pause because I just can’t think of how to continue it , so I’ll take some requests and I’d love to see where I can go

(I write male on male tho )

Any requests are welcome I’d love 💕

Chapter 17

Word Count :2296

There’s not much warning needed for this chapter it’s all just talking and understanding unless honestly needs a tag then it’s fine

Matty's POV

I spent a lot of time that afternoon in my room, I'd received a few texts from Ross asking if I'm okay and if I'd told my mum what was up, I told him that everything was good and that my mum knows but that I never told her about the coke use yet because I can't do it yet, As well as that my dad phoned me just telling me that he's proud of me , and that he's always going to be there for me , I'm his son and that he loves me and that he'll speak to me once he's home because I hopes I'll talk to him a bit more I you know all that stuff , and I thank him and chat to him for a bit about what he's up to at work. Later on that day George messaged back

"Good afternoon love , I'm sorry to hear that everything's been all over the place for you today, I know that your struggling but once I'm home we can call again and talk about what happened , I miss your voice and your face", This is when we start Snapchating again because honestly I miss his face too. After seconds of seeing his face appear on my screen and face splitting grin appears on my own face, I sent him back a picture of myself so he can see me, I might not look or feel the best right now but I understand that and he's not going to see me as any different. We snap chatted all afternoon about nothing and everything all at the same time . Right now we're talking about a game that we'd like to play

"Yeh oh my god did you hear that street fighter 6 is going to be out soon, apparently it's got new game modes coming out aswell", Video games is always something I can talk about from dawn till dusk , losing yourself in another world , and if you mess up you can try again another day nothing to be anxious about. Very different from real life.

He snaps right back that smile of his makes everything in my life just feel like it's a million miles away and I don't have to worry about it "didn't it say that it's got like a new mode where your like touring the world and you can play against others online right ?". If he's anything like me this game is going to melt our brains when it comes out , I know it's literally just an online game but I've played every single one, and I love them all, Any new realise melts my brain, I get lost in them for days , there were times when I was younger the guys would come over and we'd cabin ourselves up in my room and we'd play every walk through of the game and make sure we'd find every single hidden gem and watch people play them online. Those were the days, where my mum would come in to make sure we were all okay but we'd be too engrossed in the game to even notice she was there or we'd all be passed out on the floor because we'd been awake for two days straight, my room would be an absolute midden. When there parents came to pick them up I'd sulk for hours, cry to my mum because I'd want them to come back, always been the sensitive kid I guess. Then I'd be so tired that night I'd sleep for hours and wake up at like lunchtime the next day and my dad would spend all day trying to cheer me up. Come to think of it I'd always been sensitive , I know I'd cry about stupid things as a really young kid, I'd built a fort with my dad when I was maybe 4 but when we had to take it down I'd thrown the biggest conniption fit, screamed the place down which in turn caused my mum to have to buy one of those silly little TP tents for my room which I still have now.

A few moments later I get another Snapchat through from George "are you still there love" , I blush at the use of the pet name , I feel like that will always make me blush I then snap a picture of myself and reply

"Sorry darlin , I was just thinking about stuff and got lost in a day dream , but yes I did read that somewhere" I send it off and decide to get dressed , I just noticed the time , Louis will be home soon and probably will want to play for a while. I slide on a yellow T-shirt and some black shorts. Just like I'd said Louis knocks on my door and slides his little head round the door "Mummy said you were sad so I was wondering if you wanted to play angry birds that always makes me happy". He comes in now and climbs onto my bed waiting for me to sit with him.

I skulk over to him and sit next him "come on then show me how to play" , I hand him my iPad and slide onto the bed properly , leaning against the headboard and pull him onto my knee, He easily navigated his way through my iPad finding the game he needs , watching his little hands working there way through the screen.He pauses for a moment to look at me "Why are you sad ?".

I tap his head and play with his hair "it's okay little man we don't need to talk about it , I'm just being silly , how about you show me how to play". The games page loads up. He turns back to it and starts showing me how to play. I know how to play but he loves this game and I love watching him play. George replies midway through this game . I open it he must be on his way home now because he's outside and the sun is shining , brightly into his eyes making them shine "what where you thinking about love". That brings a smile to my face, I snap a picture back of me and Lou he's sat on my knee and he's too engrossed in his little game to notice that I'd taken his picture. It's actually a sweet one, I save it. "Just reminiscing about how I've always been a kind of sensitive guy really, we can talk about it when you call later if you like" . I put my phone down on my bed and pull Lou close to me hugging him "I love you little man"

"I love you too Maffu" , he hands me the iPad means he's struggling with this level , so I take it and I show him how to do it talking him through it "Fanks, you're really good at this , you can do the next one too" , we go through a few more levels together taking turns , George has replied but I'm lost in my time with my little man.

I pause the game after a while "Hey kiddo, do you have homework", I know he's only young but he might have class reading to do and I love hearing him read he's such a good little reader. "Go get your bag and I can help you with it yeh ?"

"Okay", he jumps off the bed , scrambling to go get his bag , while he's gone I reply to George, he's still stood outside but has a joint in his hand "If it's something you'd like to talk about then we can , how's the little man ?" , he's so darn pretty , how can some that looks like a literal angel just be allowed to walk the earth and not have a partner like it doesn't make any sense. The fact that he cares about me and even ask about Lou is also something that I can get down with

I snap back , I'm probably blushing because the picture he sent was really pretty , "I would really like it if we could talk about it , also he's doing grand , we were just playing angry birds , im about to help him with his homework , you look really pretty today by the way George x" , I hope that makes him smile even just a little bit.

He replies instantly he looks to be home now, he's sat on his couch has his headphones in and there's a tinge of red adorning his cheeks and he's smiling "says the pretty boy on the other end of the phone , would you like to call when you've finished with the little man then !?x"

I send him just a quick text this time because I can hear Louis running back up the stairs shouting to my mum that I'm going to help him do his homework "I'd like that alot x" , he send back just a quick alright then I plug my phone in to charge and then loius comes running back into my room "I got it", we end up setting his little books on my desk and he climbs up onto my knee so we can read his book, I remember reading this one when I was his age. He's reading away, he gets stuck on a few words but he honestly does so well , it's only a small book , ten pages at most but I'm so damn proud of him. This grown up little man is going places. The next part of the homework is where the issues began , neither of us a very good and maths it may seems, I'm trying to help him with his times tables as he has to learn them before he moves up to year three , I'm doing my best to try and help him where going through the 8 times table because that's the one he struggles with , and although I'm 17 going on 18 years old , I really should know my 8s but I don't not by heart anyway. I start panicking when I'm trying to explain how to do it, because I can tell he's getting upset about it , again another similarity we have is we both get upset quite quickly over small things , it's stupid how fast I get panicked over this and it's even more stupid how quickly we both get frustrated at it. I do try to keep my cool but eventually after about half an hour where both just frustrated messes and I don't want to see him upset anymore so we pack his things away and I let him go play for a while. I go to talk to my mum. I make my way down the stairs to see that my mum is working in her office but my dads home and sat on the couch flicking through the channels

"Hiya dad", I stand at the doorway slightly flustered, I lean against the door frame. I can feel myself getting a little twitchy but I force it down

"Alright yungun, what's up?", he's looking at me , I can see he's a little bit on edge trying to work out what's going on and trying to figure out if I'm okay.

"I just um came to tell mum something but she's busy so could I tell you ?", after I few silent moments I stride over to the sofa and sit next to my dad. "I think , I may need a little bit more help than mum thinks"

"Why's that yungun", he puts the remote down and sticks it on the arm of the chair. Paying close attention to me now .

"It's just everything stresses me out , small things that mean nothing to anyone, and when I get like that I can't do anything. It's like I try to speak but when I try it's nothing but a squeak in my own head , like I'm living in a house with just three walls and everyone can see me falling apart" . I don't want to cry right now, I can do this , I can have one conversation about how I feel without crying Jesus I need to do it "like everything is changing , there's this pressure in my head that's telling me I need to keep everything the same and not let it change and obviously I can't do that and when it starts getting to much my whole system just shuts down and I feel like I'm gunna explode" , I take a breath that I'd been holding , letting out a sigh at the same time rubbing my hand over the back of my head violently.

"Hey yungun come ere", he pulls me into a tough hug, his strong arms holding me still as I am still trembling "we'll get your sorted won't we, you just need to keep doing this , talking about what's going on"

"I'm trying dad I promise I'm trying", once I've pulled away I give him a soft smile and thank him for listening, on my way back to my room my mum calls through to make sure I have my cheeseburger so I do I pick up the paper bag and bring it up with me and slowly make my way through it, I know it's literally just a cheeseburger and kids eat them but it takes forever to get through, it takes an age actually. I don't feel that great after it, bloated to all hell actually but I guess that's my own fault. I ponder for a while why it's so hard for me to just do things that I'm supposed to do to live bit I think about it for long because if I spiral I won't bounce back for a while

"I'm ready to call whenever you are Georgie x"

My Spotify is really just agreeing with me rn , Roadkill should always be at the top of my on repeat 😂😂 and I have my pictures for my lock screen on like a loop and like 7 different pictures and to unlock my phone with this picture and TUNE at the same time is just JESUS LOOKING DOWN ON ME 😂😂😂

Didn’t have time to find a Halloween outfit and went last minute drinking with friends so pulled out my inner Matty 😅😅😅

Here chapter two

I jolt awake from the blaring sound of my alarm at 6 later that morning the sun bounding through my window as I completely forgot to close my curtains last night I switch my alarm off abruptly before pulling my duvet over my head and groan "not yet " I tell myself. I need five more minutes. Closing my eyes again brings me peace for what feels like 3 minutes but I am awoken again by my baby brother running into my room

"Maffu , Mummy says it's time wake up "

He climbs onto my bed and starts jumping around me "wakey wakey " I pull the duvet down to look at him and smile

"Hey there Lou ...did you sleep good kid ?" I ruffle his hair and pull him down to me for a big hug and sit up "did you have breakfast yet mate "

"I slept good ...and no not yet mummy made coco pops but said you gotta wake up so you can eat too " he smiles up at me lovely and tries to pull me off the bed with him as he slides down back to the floor.

"I'll be down in five minutes okay Lou " I smile at him fondly and let go of his hand "run along yeh tell mummy I'll be five minutes alright "

I watch him run back through the house and I sit on the edge of my bed and wrack my hands through my hair and sigh. Making my way over to my dresser to get my uniform on I pick up my phone and see a few messages from George and a text from Ross asking if I'm meeting him before school for a smoke or not . I pull on my trousers and walk through to the bathroom to brush my teeth , brush my hair and put on deodorant while I'm occupying myself I reply to Ross

"Yeh man meet me at the park near mine and we can have a joint before we go I rolled a few last night before bed"

I then look at George's messages he was just saying he could help with my GCSEs and a half an hour later saying good night I send off a quick

"Morning G "

Once I've finished up in the bathroom and preening my hair enough that I look "pretty " . I go back to my room and put on my shirt and tie and drop the joints into my pocket along with my earphones and pick up my bag .I make my way through the house saying goodbye to my dad as he leaves for work

"Good morning love " my mum says as I walk into the kitchen , she comes over to me and kisses my cheek "you having breakfast this morning ?". She knows I don't eat every morning so it's a feesable question I pick up my glasses from the counter and slip past Lou

"Nah I've got to meet Ross , but I'll eat at break don't worry " . I ruffle Louis hair again and I say goodbye to both of them and slowly slip out the door. My phone vibrates in my pocket as I close the door I take  it out and see a messages from George again

GeoDan16 : "mornin matty ... sleep well ?"

TrumanBlack : "I slept I don't know about well...still bloody shattered tho "

My eyes still feel heavy as hell as I make my way to the park expecting to see Ross sat on the swings waiting for me which to my surprise he isn't

GeoDan16: "ohhh poor baby ....can't sleep late and wake up early "

TrumanBlack : "bro...uncalled for , uncalled for "

I find myself on the swings grinning to myself like a lunatic . This kid is wild man. Just as I put my phone back into my pocket I hear a whistle from behind me and turn to see Ross bounding down the path towards me

"What's got you so grinny this morning" Ross smiles at me and waves , quickly sitting down next to me on the other swing

"Just watching you flailing around like a bloody giraffe just now " I wink at him just to wind him up and pull the joints out of my pocket with the lighter in tow , I swiftly pass him the other one and chuck the lighter over once I've lit my joint

"Rude dude rude" he glared at me and takes a drag from the joint twinning with me as I do the same , releasing the smoke from my lungs with a long sigh and a massive yawn as I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees

"Late night huh?" He smiles over to me and laughs

"Yeh but not how you think you whore "

Ross gasps in fake disgust "I never thought anything of the sort Matthew "  he takes another drag "so what where you doing then " he looks at me quizzically

I shrug "Just gaming really , watched YouTube and spoke to some people on the game "

"Late night Pub-G , it's gotta stop mate your going to burn yourself out ....you need rest ...you look like shit "

"Oh thanks bro" I look down myself my uniform it was wrinkled like mad and I could tell the bags under my eyes were dark as hell , and they were so itchy so must be red "I just can't seem to sleep right " I shake my head sullenly and rubs my eyes again after taking another big drag coughing slightly as it hits the back of my throat

"Oh...you stressing ?" He looks at me genuinely concerned this time he does know me better than anyone so he'll know I'm stressing , he drops the end of his joint onto the floor and stamps it out "come on...we can skip first period if you like ?"

I look up at him properly but the sun is in my eyes causing me to squint as my eyes sting from the light "I can't , really have to go....we can meet out back later though for another smoke?" I shake myself down after standing up and putting out my joint "This school is actually gunna kill me Ross " I lean my forehead against his shoulder and groan loudly "let's go "

After a minute or so of walking I pull my phone out again to see if George has replied

GeoDan16: "Sorry man ...I can be quite a dickwad in the mornin ...anyway how are you except for tired ??"

I look up to Ross who is to preoccupied watching the bird fly by and smile at my screen again and feel my cheeks flush

TrumanBlack : "about to walk into hell ...I honestly don't want to go to school right now but I've got my best buddy with me and just smoked a zoot so hopefully I can be calm "

GeoDan16: "arghh a zoot before school sounds like heaven man .... I really can't be doing that before school...mams to nosy and makes sure I get to school instead of skipping "

I laugh to myself thinking of the time my mum used to be like that when I was 14 due to me not spending enough time in school and just staying at home

TrumanBlack : "dude I felt that a little to much there "

"Seriously Mate thats the second time in the last half hour I've seen you smiling at your phone like a 12 year old girl ....who you talking too ,....new girl in tow ? "

I surprisingly look back to Ross who I didn't realise was looking at me , I close my phone and put it back into my pocket swiftly then shove him softly "what do you think dude...just some guy I was talking to last night ...I fell asleep during our conversation so I was finishing it wasn't I ?"

"If your sure " he winks at me again then makes his way through the grey doors of my own brand of personal hell , school , I roll my eyes and watch him trail off to his first class of the day

#mattyhealy #georgedaniel #fanfiction #school #angst #The1975 #RossMcdonald

OMG IM SO EXCITED TO THIS INSTALMENT ARGHHHH I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS I DO

Word count : 4k

Warnings : mention of food and dieting , Weed

IM SO EXCITED

Mattys POV

(A week or so has gone by since last instalment)

Oh my god things have been wild lately, George is finally visiting today he's going to be here for at least ten days I believe and I can't bloody wait for it. I couldn't sleep last night we were up all night on FaceTime, he fell asleep eventually because he "didn't wanna look like complete shit when we first met", which is stupid because he can't look bad in anyway , to me. His train was due at 4 this afternoon but since I hadn't slept I had started getting ready at 7am , showered, dressed in skinny jeans and a floral shirt that I'm sure I stole from my mum once upon a time and my Docs because what else would I wear, I had spent at least half an hour just trying to make sure my hair didn't look like a damn bird nest or that I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards, brushed my teeth and even had some breakfast. It was now 8:30 and I'm pacing, like actually pacing because I hate waiting. He'd texted me this morning but he doesn't want to show me his outfit because he wants it to be a surprise so in turn I said I wouldn't show him mine which is hell because I love this shirt so much and love showing it off. On what feels like my fifth lap of the house my dad had tried to convince me to sit down for a bit but even if I did it would be roughly five minutes before I was up and moving again. So in turn he'd asked if I wanted to go for a drive which I accepted gratefully. I think he was taking me to Tesco to pick up some stuff for dinner later.

We were just walking around the shop my dad pushing the trolley and me just shoving literally anything in it. "So this lad then, George is it?" , I nod with a smile on my face. "What are we to call him, like is he your boyfriend or just a friend who you like, or just a normal friend". My dads just amazing always trying to understand things

"For now he's just a friend that I like but Um we're somewhat both interested in one another but haven't asked the question yet, so please don't call him my boyfriend yet because I haven't asked and don't want to scare him away yet", I throw at least five packets of noodles into the trolley. "He likes noodles , is that enough or should I get more?"

"Son , your gunna work yourself into a headache just breath okay, I'm sure everything is going to be just fine" , I take a few deep breaths and we continue on through the shop. Stopping to drop a few more things in.

"Uh Dad, Would it be okay if we got some alcohol?, I promise I won't over do it" , I know he probably can't trust a word I say because I can't prove that I won't but I really want him to trust me.

"I'll be honest lad , I think we'll have to ask your mum first and we can come back later if she says it's okay" , we just ponder around a few more isles and drop random things into the trolley "you haven't smoked today have you!"

"Not yet no , why?"

"Would you like to drive the car home ?" , we loading stuff onto the check outs , I do have my lisence I got it last year and I do have a car but my mum and dad took my keys after the crash with Janey because they didn't trust me in the car unless I was with one

of them.

"Are you sure dad!"

"If you'd like son , just be careful yeh?"

"Oki thank you dad , honestly thank you", I threw my arms around him and he held me just for a second and we made our way to the checkouts putting all the items through and packing them up, I'm a little meticulous about the packing and how to do it so dad just lets me do it my way "Also da , we need to go to the pharmacy my medication is ready to pick up"

"Which ones is it where picking up today lad ?" , we'd picked up like 2 other ones this week but I think they were for anxiety and anti-sickness but these ones are just supplements for food.

"Just food equivalent to help me get my appetite back like the ones I had years ago" , my dad payed for the food swiping his card across the card reader and waved goodbye too the cashier as we leave and as he's packing up the car I jump in the front seat and get myself accustom with the steering and gears again.

"You all ready then Son", he jumps into the passenger side and buckled up eager to see how well I do

"As I'll ever be ,I guess"

The drive to the pharmacy wasn't to bad to be fair, I'm still a pretty good driver and my dad said I did well so I'm happy about that. I didn't want to go in again for like the 3rd day running so Dad went in for me giving me a second to just breath and reply to George. Last message I got he was still getting ready he doesn't have to leave for the station till around about 1 and it's only 9:30, I think we both just got a little to eager.

MATTY: my dad let me drive !!!!

GEORGE: yeh ?, how did you do?

MATTY: haven't driven in a while so thought I'd mess up a little but it actually went okay, we've been to Tesco to get food for the next few days , we're at the pharmacy now and then where going home and I think I'm going to tidy my room cuz it's an actual pigsty might ask mum to help

GEORGE : don't have to tidy for me love, my rooms a shit tip

MATTY: I will anyway

As my dad came back I slid my phone back into my pocket he handed me my medicine to make sure it was the right thing because he really had no idea what is was called , neither did I to be honest but it looked right so I just flung it on the dashboard and we made our way back home

We unpacked the bags in the kitchen as Loius ran around looking literally as excited as I felt as he'd grown to really like George too they interacted a lot over the past week , and when I told him George was coming to visit he got so darn happy he climbed up onto the middle island in the kitchen and watched us unpack

"How long till Georgie is here Maffu ?"

"He's coming today little dude but it's still a long time yet" , after unpacking the last bag I pick loius up and manoeuvre him so he's on my back, and I carry him back up stairs and flip him onto my bed " you gunna help Maffu clean up ?"

"I don't wanna tidy Maffu but I'll watch", he's always just soooo me and it makes me laugh and ruffle his hair again as he looks up at my with the big smile and those big blue eyes.

"That's okay, can you get Mummy for me then"

"Oki", he jumps back off the bed and runs through the house , leaving me stood in the middle of the room looking around trying to figure out where to start, it really is such a mess in here, mugs and plates everywhere, piles of clothes, shoes just milking around , stacks and stack of books , dvds and cds and my bed isn't even made. I get lost in my thoughts when I here a knock on my door that makes me jump.

"Sorry love didn't mean to startle you, what was it you needed me for?"

"Can you possibly help me tidy up in here , I don't know where to start and it's so bad" , she looks around just as baffled as me, then strides over and pulls me into a hug.

"Love ,what happened in here?"

"I just haven't had the effort or will power to clean up Mum, sorry" , I hug her close and then as we separate herself we both look around and make a mental note on where to start

"Right first of all love , take all the dishes downstairs and ask you dad if he can clean them up , then come back up and we can sort your clothes out okay", I nod and then get to picking up the cups and plates grimacing when I realise how bad it actually is. I run downstairs with the dirty plates and mugs dropping them carefully into the sink, then run back up the stairs two at a time to help mum. "What clothes are clean and what aren't love ?"

"Most of its clean it just needs to be folded and put away really", it takes me a few more seconds to actually sit down and start folding a pile that was next to where I stood, Im so bad at keeping up with cleaning it bores me. I noticed mum stand up and start putting clothes into drawers and stops to look at something already in the drawer

"Matty , love what are these?”

I drop the shirt I was folding onto the floor as I know exactly what she was talking about as I know what I’d been hiding in that drawer, I scratch the back of my neck as I breath in ALL the air that was in the room and try to piece a reply together. My mouth opens and closes a few times but no words leave my mouth.

“Matty love?”

“It’s nothing important Mum, just put it back please” , I take three big stride across to her and place my hands around the books “Mum seriously it’s nothing”

She did let me take them and shove them back the drawer as she takes a tentative seat on my bed and pats the space next to her. “Sit down for a minute please my love” , once I’ve got the books properly back into the drawer and place myself down next to her. “Can you please tell me why you feel the need to have books about dieting love”.

“It’s not important Mumma , it doesn’t mean anything, I just have them”

“First off Matty , I’ve been keeping an eye on everything to do with your eating habits for a while and I know there not very good , your skin and bone love , and you only ever call me Mumma when your anxious , so please you know I’m not going to be mad , can you please explain to me why?”

I know she won’t be mad and I know it’s not something that’s that big of a deal but its still scary to talk about , so as I think of the right words to say I just ponder in my mind what I need and look around my room as I try to explain. “It’s just about the element of control , I was losing control of everything in my life and I was freaking out so bad you know , like I had zero semblance of control, but then I found a book at school about diets like I know people diet duh , but um when I read it, a lot of it was about how people diet to gain control over something, so I tried and I read a lot of them but then I even lost control of that and I’m scared again so I hid them so I wasn’t as embarrassed about losing control of even that and people wouldn’t ask if they saw and I wouldn’t ave to talk about it”

“Matty , I know things are hard right now love , and I’m proud that your talking to me , but why couldn’t you tell me earlier”

“I don’t know Mum really, I guess I just didn’t know how to” , I got back up from my bed and went back over to the drawer taking the books back out and contemplated them for a while. “Can you take them Mum”

“What would you like me to do with them?”

“Just don’t let me have them I guess , I’m going to try to get better , Dr Adrian gave me the medication for it and I’m gunna work harder at everything I promise”. I get back to the cleaning of my room “Mum?”

“Yes love”

“I’m sorry for how I’ve been lately and I’m sorry for worrying everyone, I also appreciate you for letting George come because he really helps me be a better version of myself and I really hope you can see that when he’s here , I know I haven’t known him that long but he really does help me”

“I’m so glad that you’ve found someone that you can talk to Matty , you don’t have to apologise everyone goes through hard times , you’ve just got to pick yourself up and if you need help keep talking , be it to me or George or your dad even Louis , I know he’s just a kid but even if you talk you’ll feel better”

“Thank you”

It takes us a few more hours to tidy up my room it really was a state , and I talked to my Mum the whole time about how I felt about everything and anything. When we had finished the tidying and cleaning up it looked like a completely different room I hadn’t seen it like this in at least a month.

It’s now 12:30 and although I’m more than excited to see George the restlessness was starting to get to me again, George had informed me he was on his way to the train station now his train was at 2 and it took him an hour to get to the station. It was getting harder to not be nervous because I was really just watching the time tick by. I’d rolled a joint after I’d finished cleaning my room but hadn’t got round to smoke it yet because dads trying to keep me busy until we have to go because he knows if I’m just sitting waiting then I’m going to get irritable. With this being the first time I’d had a break today I decided to just let them know I’m going for a smoke. So now I’m just sat outside on the front porch relaxing as I smoke the joint.

Matty: I’m so nervous darling x

George: I’m actually shutting a brick 😂 , would your dad mind if I went for smoke when I got off the train or would he wanna get going straight away ?x

Matty: He won’t mind , I’m sure he’d understand

George : I’ll be grand then , will you be waiting for me on the platform or will I meet you outside.

Matty : I’ll wait on the platform you dick😂

George : thanks love x

I slide my phone back into my pocket and finish my joint before making my way inside, I know it’s lunchtime and I should eat but I’m not the hungry yet but Louis came running through to the kitchen and attached himself to my leg “How long now Maffu” , I picked him up and put him on the counter while messing up his hair, he’s got a lollipop hanging out his mouth so I didn’t really catch what he said, I took the sweat out of his mouth for a second.

“What was that kid ?”

He smiled a lopsided grin at me and rolled his eyes dramatically , so much like me. “How long till Georgie is here silly?”, I gave him back his sweet and he shoved it back into his mouth even though I was just holding it my hand was sticky so I turned the tap on and started washing my hands

“He’s getting on the train really soon , then daddy and I will go get him , do you want to come too?”, he again smiled at me his eyes growing to the size of bowling balls and he take his sweet out of his mouth again.

“Can I ?”

“If you want too kiddo , just finish up with your sweet and wash your hands and then we can talk cuz that’s going to take you ages to eat”

“I don’t want it anymore, you have it” , he went to hand it to me but I told him that’s it’s okay and just to put it in the bin , he runs back over to me, I lift him up and help him wash his hands. “Will George play with me when he comes ??”

“I’m sure he will Kiddo”

I spent the next few hours just playing about with Louis , on the play station, watching tv with him , helped him with some homework that he had left around about 2:30 he fell asleep on my lap while we were watching the TV , George had texted me saying that he was now on the train half an hour ago, and we should be leaving in an hour because it doesn’t all to long from ours to get to the station here, so I took Louis idea into consideration and tried to take a nap myself which in theory maybe wasn’t the best idea but I was starting to get tired so that I did , I set an alarm on my phone for 45 minutes so I could get my head down for a little while. I layed myself down trying not to disturb Louis and sleep consumed me

My alarm woke us both up at 3:15 , Louis was not too happy with it, he was still tired and he was throwing a little hissy fit “hey kiddo , I know your tired and I know you wanted to come to pick Georgie up but you need to calm down for me so we can get ready to go can you find your shoes for me ay ?” , he just clung to me his tiny frame shaking as he cried “hey hey hey it’s okay , you can have another nap you know , come on kiddo no need for tears”

“But I’m still sleepy , I wanna go bed” , as I got myself he was still clinging to me so I decided to take him upstairs to bed his head was resting on my shoulder the whole time. “Maffu , is it okay if I just stay here”

“It’s okay kiddo , just get a big nap for me and when you wake up George will be here and you can play all day yeh” , he nodded against me as I lay him down on his bed and tucked him up and kissed his head

“I’ll see you later okay”

“Okay Maffu”

I got myself completely got my leather jacket from my room , checked to see if my dad was ready, he let me know that he was just going to finish his tea and then we’d get going. So I just waited by the door, annoying I know but I just wanted to get going. Once he was ready I raced out to the car like I was 7 again jumping into the passenger side as my dad made his way to driver seat and we got going. I couldn’t help my leg bouncing up and down anxiously the whole way there, I’d bitten my nails raw Mum would have killed me for it but dad doesn’t mind. I’d chain smoked the whole ride there out the window of course and really it wasn’t that bad the train station was just half an hour away so it was really not to bad. We got to the station with 15 minutes to spare so I checked my hair in the middle mirror of the car and started fussing with my outfit until my dad told me again that I looked absolutely fine and to stop worrying , I sat and waited for literally only two minutes before I decided I just wanted to go in and wait so I just told my Dad that I’d let him know when I’ve got George and we’re going to have a smoke before we come back, he gave me a quick nod and smile before I got out and made my way inside

Inside the station was so busy, people milling about the place, so much sounds and smells, it was so hot in there as well but I tried to gather myself and push through I saw that the train from London was going to be arriving on platform 3, I started making my way there but there was quite a lot of people waiting there aswell and I could feel myself getting anxious and my nerves were getting the best of me so I hung back and just sent George a quick message letting him know that I am inside but I’m not on the platform because it looked busy, he replied not to long free to let me know that it was okay and he’d call me once he departed the train and I could let him know where I was which helped me alot. I decided to wait outside WHSmith a small convenience store that was off to the side of the platforms , True to his word after a small five minutes more of waiting my phone started to buzz in my hand and George’s contact appeared on my screen

“Hey there”

“Hiya love , that’s me just coming off , where is it your at ?, you doing okay it’s not to busy for you is it ?”

“I’m stood outside smiths , I’m okay for now it’s not to busy round here I’ll be okay, I just really can’t wait to see you now”

“I’ll can see it , from where Im at so I should be there in no time at all handsome”

I couldn’t help but smile , my heart was racing , basically jumping out of my chest in anticipation, I could hardly wait, there wasn’t much conversation going on between us we were both just keeping an eyes out for each other, He soon caught my eye “I can see you , you lanky fuck”, despite feeling nervous and anxious about everyone around us the fact that I could see him sent a jolt of pure joy through me and I felt my legs starting to race to him. As I began running to me I could see the moment he clocked me and he just dropped his suitcase open his arms to me and I ran into his arms and burried my face in his chest pushing my phone into my pocket without even hanging up. We stayed there in each other arms for what felt like an age not saying anything just holding each other and it felt so right

“Hiya handsome” , I pulled away first but not all the way just enough so I could look up and his and the smile on his face was everything I needed to feel relaxed. I could feel the blush rising on my cheeks already. “Jesus , you really ARE a lanky twat aren’t ya” his smile grew bigger if that was even possible and we giggled to each other and he pulled me closer to him

Once we’d sorted ourselves out taking at least another five minutes just holding one another we were just stood line idiots smiling at each other and he eventually picked his suitcase back up and I’d sorted my phone in my pocket I took his hand and lead him outside to the smoking area.

“Babe , you looks so cool, by the way” , I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the word babe leave his mouth and it had my blushing even more than I thought humanly possible and I took his hand that was in mine and kissed it as we both giggled again.

“You look so fit”

Chapter 4 I also forgot to mention the fic is called

HEART OUT

Word count 2953

Still angsty atm , mention of possible panic/anxiety attacks , I swear it does get better (many typos )

I get into my class and sit down. I've been placed in a seat that is the closest to the teachers desk as this class is my least favourite so I tend to mess around so I've been moved were Mrs Greer can see me. She's already sat in the class waiting for us all to come in and get out books out. I don't really have many people in this class to talk to as I keep to myself as well as quite disruptive. So for the most part I start on the starter task which takes me almost all of five minute to get frustrated over tearing my page out of my book and throwing it into the bin missing slightly. She spotted me throwing it and asked me to go pick it back up. I skulk over to where I missed it then turn around to the person behind me "hey watch me basket this from my seat ". After returning to my seat with the balled up peice of paper I try again to get it into the bin. I get it in this time and cheer loudly in faux excitement "look what I just fuckin did ".

"Mr Healy have you started the task on the board "

"Yes I have but it doesn't make sense "

I can hear her trying to explain the question to me but I'm just not in the right headspace to listen to her. So I turn around and start talking to the person behind me about utter nonsense

"Mr Healy I'm trying to help you ...are you paying attention

"I am paying attention I just don't get it " I raise my voice a little. Which on my behalf not the brightest idea

"Am I going to have to remove your from the class ..,your being very hostile right now "

"Oh am I , we'll what do you know Matty Healy not paying attention in math class " I know I'm winding her up but I really do just want to be removed from the class today maybe go home early even

"Right I don't think that's anyway to be behaving right now...please go wait outside and I'll talk to you once I've gotten everyone settled

"Nah there's no need I'll just go" and with that I pick up my rucksack and leave slamming the door in my wake. That was very much not my worst encounter with this particular teacher but honestly she knows it's just going to get worse as the class progresses so throwing me out was a better idea.

I go back outside for another smoke and snap George "I'm not staying here today I really am not " . While I'm in the process of lighting my cigarette I hear my head of year behind me "Matty what do you think your doing with that..."

"Oh uh nothing " it's not fully lit yet so I just drop it back into my pocket

"And what are you doing out of class "

"I just walked out I can't be there right now ...I'm not feeling great today and maths is just messing with me head "

My head of year gestures for me to sit down and she sits next to me "so you really think it wise to be skipping on lessons this close to your GCSEs especially maths when I know how much your struggling "

"I just can't not today" I place my head in my hands as my breathing become ragged "I just wanna go home ....can I phone my dad to come pick me up "

"How about you just come back to my office with me and we talk for a bit ...I know you struggle talking about feeling but we can sit down have a biscuit and some tea and just relax ...have you been taking your medication...I've seen a decline in your behaviour the last week or so " she knows me pretty well and I do feel safer in her company so I just nod my head yes to coming with her to her office but then reply with a "no I haven't taken my meds they just make me feel so sluggish and slow ...like a zombie ...I don't like it ...so I stopped " . We rise from the cold grey step at the front and make our way back inside . I stuff my hands into my pockets as we walk.

"You know that's not wise Matty " she looks at me sympathetically as she can hopefully understand what I might feel like

"I know but I'd rather just be jumpy and hyper than feel like I being held back and stuff " I pull my rucksack around me properly again as it was slipping down my shoulders due to my slouchy walk

"We'll we can see what else we can do about that another time , in we go " she unlocks her office door and pulls up a chair close to her desk and I sit myself down basically curling myself into me

"Now if we may start , would you like to tell me what's been wrong lately. If we can maybe have a little chat and later we can get you back to class "

"No! " I accidentally shout "sorry Miss , sorry I just don't really want to go back , if you won't let me go home can I just stay in here and do work please "

"We can discuss that later yeh , just let's have a chat , tell me something good that's going on and something that you need to let out "

I let out a long sigh deciding to start with the good thing i suppose "we'll uh the boys and I have written a song for the school production and Mr Hardy said that if we get him a demo in by next Friday he might consider letting us sing it , that's quite exciting. It's not set in stone yet but we'd really like to do it , the boys are quite pumped really "

She smiling at me contently "that's very impressive Matty, and what's plaguing you ?"

I can feel my eyes start to well up and sting before I even begin to describe it "uh, I uh , just fuckin really miss Janey like a lot " tears start pouring down my face "and she only got into the wreck like 3 months ago and no one's talking about it and I understand that people don't want me to be upset by it but I just wish people would at least seem like they care and it would make me feel less like it was my fault which I feel like that anyway cuz I was the one messing around in the car while we were driving and obviously a little intoxicated , and ....l" my breath hitches "I just can't stand not having her around she was my closest friend miss and I can't do any of this without her " I breakdown right there and then and it just doesn't stop.

Miss Conner's came over to me quickly and wrapped an arm round me and kept telling me everything would be okay and that its out now and it should hurt less now.

I don't calm down for at least ten minutes that's when I get my breathing back to a steady pace, my eyes now puffy and itchy. "Can I please just go home Miss".

I can sense her really pondering it for a minute "alright , I'll let you off today but try and come in tomorrow and if you really need to I can get some work from your teachers and we can try work on some stuff together, Can we try that ?"

"I can certainly try Miss".

"So, who am I calling, your mum or dad "

"Dad, please, He's at work so you'll have to call there, can I speak to him just so I can explain"

"let me just call him and you can talk once I've spoken to him , please just stay in here quietly for a second while I go get a phone "

"alright "I watch her leave the room then get my phone out and text my mum letting her know ill be coming home so to not be surprised that I'm home when she's home I go to snapchat to speak to George he's replied few times since my last message

"I'm sure that's not the case right "then not long after there's a video of him and what I assume to be his friends all huddled outside smoking captioned "finally getting my smokes "

I snap him back instantly trying to plaster on a fake smile even though my eyes look terrible and my hairs a state as I've wracked my hands through it a million times since reaching the office "that's amazing, I'm sure you've got to feel a little better now for sure".

I get an immediate reply of his face and god does he look good when he looks free and at peace "yeh man I feel way better, how about you, what's wrong you look upset?"

Another message comes through but just texts "I'm here and I know we barley know each other but I'm here"

"I don't really wanna talk about it right now , I'm just feeling the worst today, I'm going home from school early, so if I don't answer its probably because my dad is trying cheer me up or I'm napping but I'll talk to you later. Thank you though "

Just then Miss Conners comes back in the room, on the phone to my dad. I only catch the end of the conversation.

"Matty would like to talk to you, I'll hand the phone over", I jump up and get to the phone.

"Hi Dad"

"Hiya son, what's up lad".

"just really not having the best day, don't feel great "

"Im at work right now lad, but I go on my break at 12, I can pick you up then, can you hang on that long son, Its about an hour yeh?"

"If I have too , then I will, I love you Da".

"I love too son, I'll see you soon alright"

I hand the phone back over to Miss Conners "He's coming to get me at lunch time". After a small look around the office I notice a small sofa on the back wall "Do you mind if I rest for an hour?"

"I know I should be trying to be getting you work to do but if you really need it then ill let you today" she gestures to the sofa behind me "just have a rest there it might help you feel a little better"

"Thanks Miss". I drop my rucksack on the floor next to the sofa next to me once I've sat down and try to get somewhat comfortable. Once I've closed my eyes I let the world around me die down and quieten trying to ignore it all.

I must have drifted off because the next thing I realise Miss is shaking me out of my slumber "Matty, your dads here, he's just waiting outside". It takes me a good few minutes to get myself together, wracking my hands through my hair and rubbing my eyes "Thanks for listening". She takes me through reception and lets the receptionist know where I'm going. Then I say my good-byes and make my way to my dad's car and hop in after throwing my rucksack in the back

"Hiya". I strap myself in as my dad takes off

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong then son?"

"I told you I just feel really ill". I don't want to look at him as I know I'll just breakdown again, so I pull my discarded cigarette from my pocket and roll the window down quickly lighting up and relaxing a little.

"Have you had anything too eat and no before you start those don't count", He means my fags "No not yet, I was gunna get something at break, but it totally skipped my mind". He's looking at me like I've just killed the pope now. "Dad come on I'm sorry"

"I know love, but honestly you really need to work on eating right. your bloody skin and bone as it is"

"I know Dad I really am trying; I just can't find the time for something as menial as eating right now, I know its important but I'm so busy and forget so easily". My dad knows the struggles I had when I was younger so doesn't push me with it

"What about sleep, how is that going now that you've stopped your meds?"

"Yeh that doesn't seem to be going as well as id have liked it to, my brain just won't stop running, everything is just blur then its time to sleep it doesn't work, I got a few hours last night and had a nap at school. It's just hard to settle down".

"I know your busy and they make you tired and you don't like them all that much but are you sure going off the meds was the best idea".

"We've already done this dad, I know you and mum didn't really agree with it but I don't feel like myself on them, I'll learn to cope without them I promise". My head is pounding at this point and my ears were ringing "Can we stop and get a coffee?"

"sure we can but first I need you to promise you'll get something to eat and have a proper sleep when I drop you back home". He's looking directly at me I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my skull. I turn to look at him after dropping the remanence of my cigarette onto the ground below me "I can get something to eat , but I've got work at half three and if I go to sleep now I wont wake up in time , but ill try to get an early night".

"That I can live with". The rest of the car ride goes by quite quietly even after he goes through the maccies drive through to get us both a coffee. The warmth of the cup momentarily stopping the tremor in my hands. "Thank you, Dad, I love you". I really do adore my dad were remarkably similar in many ways and my dad has always been my biggest supporter in anything I do "I love you too son."

He drops me back at home just after 12:30 after saying a quick goodbye I unlock the front door and slam it behind me as I watch my dad leave for work again. I drop my bag at the front door and quickly make my way upstairs to my room. My haven. After setting my record player up I put my Joy Division record on and lay down on my bed staring at the ceiling. I feel like I've laid their ages, but I think it's only been about ten minutes as I'm only on the third track on the record, but my head starts to spin more, and my stomach feel weird "ah shit". I get up quickly and run to the bathroom nearly tripping over the mess scattered around my room just making it to the bathroom as I throw up violently. My whole-body shakes as I retch as there is not much to come out of my stomach this is a quite common occurrence these days, but I don't hate it any less. I sit next to the toilet with my back against the cool tiles on the wall trying to catch my breath. This part of my day is never fun. I sit there for another 20 minutes just to make sure I don't need to throw up again and let the shaking subside.

I take out my phone, I go to message Ross to ask him for help, but I think twice about it he's already worried enough as it is, so I see myself hovering over George's name. He doesn't really know me so it shouldn't be too bad. I message him "Bro I'm so sick, I can't deal with today". He doesn't have to help me or really know how to but telling someone might help a little. I get a text through not much longer after

"Why what's wrong love?" Love? where did that come from? It takes a minute for me to think of a reply to him that doesn't make me sound like a mad man.

"Just been a tough day ay, my whole body is against me right now, my brain is fighting a losing battle with itself and I just wanna disappear, also love?" I catch myself staring at the sentence for a little longer than I feel I should have, and my cheeks start to flush, and the reply startles me a little "sorry I didn't mean to say that, I'm just so used to saying that , I didn't think but seriously mate that's seems like a lot to be dealing with is there anything I can do to help?" . He's so damn sweet "I don't think anyone can help at this point G". That's the honest I have been in a while the only person that can help me is me but I've no idea how to do that. "Well, I'm going to do what I can to help, no matter how long it takes." I just throw quick thank you back because I don't really know what else to say at this point.

I get back up off the floor and begin to strip my uniform from my body a shower might do me good

So for the ff that I’m writing Matty as a Trans-Man imma call it Menswear because that just fits to me anyway , would y’all like a , I can’t remember the word I’m looking for but something that gives you sneak peak or like a blurb about it or something first or would you just like me to go straight into it

Or

Would you prefer me to finish “Heart out” then go into “Menswear” stuff ???