Thanks For The Tag @goldrushgoingunder

Chapter 21 of Heart Out

Word count : 3329

Warnings : Mention of Violence , Use of the F slur , Light smut mention

I’m sorry if this is a really random chapter I just really wanted to get the next chapter up and I’m really enjoying this particular story arc

(Will you all let me know if you’d like the chapters to be longer and I can do that for you’ll )

Slight mention of violence and the F slur and some smutty ness

George's POV

I woke up that morning feeling pretty great about myself. I'd slept and I felt pretty fresh honestly.I haven't felt this good in a while. As I turn to face the other-side of my room my laptop is still on my pillow and Matty is still sound asleep looking so beautiful like WOW I'm sorry he just is so beautiful. The memory of the conversation I overheard last night comes flooding back to me and the butterflies starts fluttering around in my stomach and it's quite a weird feeling I haven't felt in a while. How can this actual angel be interested in me. I sit and overlook his features for a while, his hair so curly, his face so soft but scrunched against the pillow, the duvet wasn't fully wrapped around him and his chest is rising and falling steadily. He looks so small like I could just pick him up and whisk him away and we could just leave this place and be ourselves. I got dragged out of my thoughts by a loud knock on my door "George I need a word please", I roll my eyes on instinct of hearing my dads voice. "Get yourself dressed please and I'll be waiting downstairs".

"Alright" , that's all I'm giving him right now, he's already "chatted" to me enough and I'm not even going to bother with it today. I know what he's going to say and I know exactly how he's going to say it. I pull myself from my bed and start getting ready for the day. Before I begin to get changed I make sure I'm fairly decent I still have shorts on so I walk over to my mirror on the back of my door and snap a quick picture of myself but just of my top half and caption it "Good Morning love" along with a tagged sound of "talk like that" by The presets I don't really know why I picked that song exactly but I really resonate with it right now.I take my time getting dressed because I really can't be bothered talking to my dad right now he had a go yesterday and last night he really doesn't need to do it again. So either way once I'm dressed I skulk downstairs and sit waiting on the sofa for my dad to come and annoy me yet again I just sit on my phone until he's ready.

"Right George , I'm not happy with any of this right now", my dad is sat across from me in the arm chair staring right at me as he's beratting me but I don't even want to look at him so I pick my phone back up and nod along as he continues. "You've got exams next year, your 16 years old, I know you've been smoking and drinking when your round at that Adam kids house and I don't want you pissing your life away George", I've drowned him out at this point. I just want to leave I've never been really good with people telling me what to do. "George are you hearing me, I will have to start taking action if it gets worse, I will have to ground you" , this causes me to roll my eyes again and reply with

" mhm , okay, it's been like a few classes dad, it's not gunna have that much of a drastic downfall in my life", I swear my dad just over reacts about everything, he's just giving me dagger right now. Obviously that wasn't what he wanted me to say.

"Alright sorry dad, I'll take better care, can I go now?, I have stuff to do".

"Yes fine go , but one last thing these late night phone calls you keep having also need to stop , you are up at all hours of the night and keeping everyone awake"

"I don't even make that much noise", I rise from my spot dragging my rucksack with me and go to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Mums made waffles "Thanks mum".

"Your dads right you know , you do need to sleep more at night love , your staying up far to late". Oh my god can't people just leave me alone. I'm not doing anything wrong. I was just being a teenager I don't know anyone else who isn't like me. I roll my eyes again for like the millionth time today and push myself from the counter with a sigh "George come on don't be like that I'm just trying to help you excel"

"I don't need help , I'm doing fine", I do love my parents and I don't mean to be harsh with them but when they get like this , telling me what to do and how to live my life, it just boils my damn blood , I sigh while pushing myself from the counter," can we drop it please , I need to get to school" , I leave without getting a response, quickly collecting my things from my room . My jacket and shoe you know. As I go to leave I hear a soft whimper from Matty on the screen, as he turns around properly facing the camera still asleep. Perfect picture opportunity, I quickly pull my phone out and take picture before turning my sound down and leaving for the day.

I wait till I'm at the bus stop before I light up a cigarette, I then realise I've only got two left, no way is this getting me through the day.

"Yo, Ad, do you or Joe have any smokes, I have two left"

I slip my phone back into my pocket after clicking my music back on, this bus stop is far to busy right now it is every morning but the head space I'm in I could snap at anyone if they come to close to me right now. Everyone does keep there distance though so that's lucky. Just like yesterday I jump into the bus flash the driver my card and shove my lanky body into the corner while pulling my legs up so people don't even attempt to sit next to me. Adam texts me back 

" Yeh G, I've got some , not much but still enough", this makes me visibly relax a small bit, I reply back a quick thank you and that id see him later, then I slowly go back to my camera roll to check out the picture I took of Matty, Then something that isn't me takes over my hand and posts the picture to my private story captioned "This One Right Here Is So Pretty" after I post it a smile grows wide on my face because I'm not lying he is. It doesn't take long for a few messages to come pouring in, I know they wont be bad as its just people I trust on this story, There's one from Joel. Carly and Laura, my eyes grow to the size of bowling balls when I see Laura has messaged me, she hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. I immediately open it as it cant make my day any worse and I need to know if she's okay?. As I open it my breath hitches its just the eye emoji under Matty's picture 

"Hey you alrite?"

I see her icon flash up a few times before a reply comes through and its not even an answer just another question "who's that then ey?", Do I tell her ? or do I just swerve the question and ask how she is again. She doesn't need to know of anything between Matty and I yet since its not really anything right now.

"I asked a question first L, can you answer that first then we can talk about  other stuff ?", again her icon flashes up on the screen a few more times before a quick reply comes through.

“I’m fine George but no I don’t want to talk about other stuff I just wandered who that was but it doesn’t matter”, why is she always like this, won’t even have a conversation with me anymore. This makes me roll my eyes and just shove my phone back into my pocket because this will just cause an argument.

The bus stops outside of school and as I step off I pull a cigarette out of the nearly emptying box and light up. I can hear Adam and Joel before I see them arguing like they do over something or other. “Yo lads came yourselves , what’s got you so heated”

“Just a discussion about games man” , Adam turns around at my voice after claiming that he was right before asking me “you alright lad , you seemed stressed when you texted”, as he tells me this he hands me a handful of cigs “they’ll help ya”

“Just my dad , at my head before I’ve even had a second to wake up”, I take a long drag of my cigarette and pull my headphones out so to not be rude and walk with them as we make our way up the drive to the front door, As everyone goes in I hang back a bit and Adam comes back

“You coming G?” , his arm is sling around my arm and trying to walk me in “I know your dads pissing you off but come on , come prove him wrong you know what your doing” , I shrug a bit and go with him because he’s right I do want to prove my dad wrong but I honestly also just don’t want to be here just to spite him and show him I can make myself a living without needing school

“Thanks Hann, Im coming bro”, we walk through the doors and make our way to class, as I sink into my chair next to Adam in our English class. I see Laura come in through the door and she spots me giving me a solid side eye before scoffing and getting into her chair, I roll my eyes again and of course Adam saw the whole encounter and nudges me

“What was that bro?”

“Nothing she’s just being a nightmare, she saw my story and now she’s sulking” , I pull my phone out of my pocket and show Adam the conversation, as well as the story although he’s already seen it.

“We’ll she might just need you to explain what’s going on , you broke up a month ago and where together a while and she might need closure”, why does he always have to be such a grown up , I just need someone to agree with me. I love him man but he’s to grown up for this stuff. This makes me laugh a little.

“You know what dad your probably right”, We’ve always called him dad for as long as we’ve known him because he’s always just been so sensible and levelheaded it’s freaky sometimes. He just rolls his eyes at me for this as we eventually start the class.

Like most classes that involve a lot of writing it grates on me. Adam helps me a lot though it gets me through, mid way through class a message comes through from Matty I guess he’s not at school today.

Which I get. I open it and smile automatically at the reply

There’s a picture of Matty laying in his bed looking refreshed , all soft and cozy but with the biggest smile on his face “That’s not the best way to wake a man up G 🫠😉, I know I said it takes a while to get things going sometimes but stuff like that will surely work”. We’ll that’s always an opener for a morning , I reply back quickly with a wink

“I hope you like it”, I turn in my seat a little so that no one can see my phone and my back is against the wall. Incase his next reply is a little more forward, Can’t be getting caught with that. I spot his little emoji pop up in the corner.

“More than satisfactory Darling …but I may have to go sort myself out first before I chat yanno” , Wow , can’t do that right now bro , I blush to myself as I sink even further into my chair, still trying to work a little bit so I don’t get into more trouble.

“This is not the right place Matthew” , the picture I send back with this my mouth is wide open in faux shock and I’m making sure to get some of the classroom in shot so he knows where I am. And send it with a chuckle to myself. I really hope no one is paying attention to me right now.

There’s a short video reply this time , he sent a little message reply telling me that there’s no sound so I can open it without worrying , the video is just of him laying in bed obviously but he’s just slowly pulling the duvet further down his chest “You can’t be seriously telling me you don’t want to see”

I breath in trying to control myself he really is a little fuckin devil , this time though I do just send a message rather than a picture because I can feel Adam looking at me “Love you know I want too , but I’m in class right now”, I then just place my phone on the table and look to Adam with a questioning face and shrug.

“That him by any chance G?”, he’s smiling at me so he’s catching on very quickly but It can’t be that obvious right. So I just shrug again as a way of saying what do you mean by that,”you’ve gone bloody scarlet mate , it’s him alright”

“Whatever , you are exactly the bloody same with Carlz stop tormenting me alright”, we both start laughing at that because really we are just a pair of simps, the ending of the class rolls around quickly, I’ve received a few messages from Matty but I’m too nervous to open them because I know what he’s like, but when we’re all sitting out back at break time is when I decide to brave it and open them. There’s only three they can’t be that bad right.

The first

“Too bad , it could have been fun, messing with you while your at school , never done that with anyone yet but it’s on the bucket list😉”

The second came about twenty minutes after

A picture of himself fresh out of the shower , towel wrapped round his small frame “it would have been more fun if I had your input darling but Wow , that was very much needed ay”

The third just a simple “Sorry about that , anyway how are you?”

This causes me to smile and blush again, I don’t know why I know he’s a confident guy when he really pushes himself but he’s so gentle sometimes and just needs to be more himself , I send him a video back of myself and the guys just chilling “you I’m alright love , my dad was doing my head in this morning so I’m a little iffy but I’m fine , how are you feeling?” , as I send of this reply a bunch of lads from the year below begin to approach as and I instantly know this isn’t going to go well.

“Oh look it’s the fag and his body guards , he had to borrow the giant from jack to protect him”, Reece what a bellend man really needs to think up some new insults, I’ve always been labelled the giant from the beanstalk by this kid at this point, I don’t even think his little posey think he’s funny. Joel ignores them because he’s not one for really standing up for himself but I’m not dealing with there crap today

“Do you just wanna get lost Reece” , I don’t look at him to give him the satisfaction that I’m sure he’s craving, I just try to get lost in what I’m doing in my phone Matty has replied but I don’t really get a moment to reply when Reece pipes up.

“Not very friendly of you Georgie , also I don’t think little Joel here needs you too stand up for him he can very much do it himself” , he’s now crouching down next to Joel and ruffling his hair and Joel is just thrashing around trying to get him off.

“Reece seriously get your hands off him” , I hate this kid with every ounce of my being I swear to god , Usually I’m a chill guy , but Reece scratches every itch in the wrong way, so I lean over and shove him back away for Joel

“Not a wise move there Daniel,”, in retaliation he shoved me back, we look like children I can guarantee that but so what. A small argument ensues , but it quickly escalated as I saw his fist quickly come up to me and make contact with my face right in the eye

“Nah you’ll pay for that Reece”, this is when we start knocking three kinds of shit out of each other but now I can feel Adam and Joel trying to pull me off of him but I keep pulling myself from there hold , then I hear and younger kid calling for the head that’s walking around on the pitch and he quickly comes running over, and starts to get student support

“There’s a fight out on the back field I will need extra support to sort this out , right lads come on” , when student support make there way out I can feel them pulling Reece away from me and once he’s finally out of my grasp I jump out of his way and let the student support teacher take me off and I follow them back into the school I can feel blood dripping from my nose and I swear I have a bust lip and I’ll be definitively sporting a black eye tomorrow, when I get to the student support office I’m handed a box of tissues and asked to be sure I clean myself up while they find out what happened , I sit down on the poorly made seats and starts cleaning the blood off of my fave while I’m being spoken too

“What happened outside then Mr Daniel”

“Reece was just messing about with Joel calling him all sorts and it was just really irritating me and he swung at me and it just got way out of hand, I’m sorry Sir”, This day has just gone from bad to worse honestly “Don’t tell my dad please”

“I’m sorry Mr Daniel , you know we don’t tolerate fighting here , we will have to phone your dad and we will have to discuss exclusion”

“Fuck man” , I drop the tissue back on the desk at this and my head ends up in my head “that’s just great another thing thing he can yell at me for, will I have to go now then , and how long for”

“We’ll see you next week , let me phone your dad first please stay here and we’ll go and get Reece’s side of the story before we go any further though”

“Fine”

As he leaves I take my phone from my pocket again and actually read Mattys message “I’m doing okay, I was supposed to go to school today but I didn’t set my alarm and my mum said rest might do me well but it’s only 11:30 and I’m already bored out of my mind”, I’m glad he’s getting rest actually.

I reply back with a blank screen just saying that I’m glad he’s doing okay , and that I’m glad he can get rest.

With that I put my phone back into mt pocket and begin to clean myself up again feeling the blood running again. This isn’t happening today my dads actually gunna kill me

Chapter 9

Word count :4221

Warnings : school 😂🙄 , slight panic attacks , mention of illness

Matty's POV

German is alright actually the class is full and sitting with everyone is still making me feel tetchy and on edge but at least Jamie is here with me so I'm a little calmer. He's not really talking to me as he's paying attention for being the complete opposite of nerd and teachers pet in this class he excels and actually listens so I let him do his thing. I feel a like I might be okay if I just try to ignore the fact that the classroom is packed. I think that's what's been setting me off recently the fact that people can actually see me losing my mind and it was getting harder to control. I hate that people can see what's actually going on. The sincerity of situations sometimes scares me. Once upon a time I used to be so out there that people watching me doing anything never used to be an issue but the last six months things have changed and I don't really understand why. The room starts to get a little louder as people start to get on with the task. This causes my brain to start spinning again but I'm going to deal with it looking at the questions my eyes lose focus a little I shake my head and rubs my eyes and try to get back to it but my head ends up in my heads about 3 questions in Jamie spots this and gives me a little nudge on the shoulder "dude are you good?."

I look at him and squint to see him right the lights are brighter than I originally felt they were but I shrug him off "Yeh , yeh I'm alright it's just a little loud in here"

"Are you sure that's all, do you need to go back to Miss Conner's?"

I scoff , I wasn't trying to convey that I didn't appreciate the concern but I hate that people are seeing me as fragile "Nah Jay it's okay it's just loud don't worry about it". I stick my hand up and ask Mr Reeves if I can put my headphones in which he reluctantly agrees to with this a little relief washes over me and I put them in and pick and calming playlist. Bach not my usual listening material but I'm sure It'll keep me calm, I start making my way back through the questions answering them with ease. I get to the last question it's the essay portion of the exercise, I've got to write about my family in fluent German again that's easy, My dads been teaching me German since I was 4. I've recently been teaching Lou.

In the moment a message comes through from my mum "How are you doing today love?" , I contemplated not answering until lunch but she'll just worry

"I'm doing alright Ma , I'm in class right now actually , I didn't go into Maths I just did it in Miss Conner's office that was pretty good actually but I'm in class doing okay x"

I decide to message George again since my phone is out and I'm slightly bored now. I snap a picture not to dissimilar from before my hands are running through my hair and I'm smiling "Class is going okay, I nearly had a minute but I managed to take hold of it x". He's slowly becoming a lifeline at this point so long as he knows I'm okay and I'm doing okay for him then I'm happy.

I place my phone back on the table and finish my essay, I'm getting a little restless it's just boredom though so I ask Mr Reeves if I can quickly go to the bathroom. He lets me go under the pretence that I be sure to show him my progress on my work when I get back which is fine because it's basically done. I wander around the school a few times just making notes of how quiet the hallway is right now since everyone is in class. This is peaceful and I really enjoy the quiet. I think about going for a smoke as I haven't really had much smokes today. I took my way outside and quickly light up letting the nicotine flew through my body and I relax even more as bird fly around me and the only sound I hear is the occasional car driving in and out of the car park. I quickly make it through my cig and make my way back to class , sliding back into my seat but Mr Reeves spots me "Matthew you've been gone for fifteen minutes, where have you been ?".

"I just needed a minute to compose myself sorry Sir, I should have said" . I sit back down at my desk and finish up what I was writing. I'm sure all my teacher have been made aware of my hiccup yesterday "Right once you've finished that I'd like to see it and I would like to have a chat outside if you may". I finish up not long after and make my way over to his desk "i finished it , it's not my best but it's done" . This is always the awkward stage we're they look over you work and you just stand there like a spare part before you get there verdict. "Very well , can I see you outside please , don't worry your in no trouble". I sigh a sigh of relief and follow him outside . Once we're outside of the room I rest against the wall and scuff my shoes against the ground as he talks.

"Okay, I understand your having a bit of a rough time right now but rather than making up excuses to leave next time all you have to do is tell me that you need some time alone and I'll let you out to have a silent moment"

I look at him now still scuffing shoes against the carpet it's a terrible noise that goes right through me but it's just a habit at this point "again I'm sorry sir, I just didn't know how or what to say, I'll be sure to let you know next-time"

"Righty-o , next all I need to ask , for the actual exam do you think you might need to be in a different room to do it or would you like to be in with everyone else , I don't know if I'm the first to be asking but I know all your other teachers have been emailed and asked to ask you."

"I haven't really thought about it really , I should be okay with it. I'll try to sort my self out before the exams I promise but If I change my mind I'll be sure to let you know ahead of time." I hate that everyone is treating me like I could break at any minute but I know I also need to be honest it'll help in the long run I guess.

"Okay that's grand thank you very much back in you go you've got ten minutes till we're done if you don't want to sit in then it's okay to just go to the canteen but it's your choice"

"I think I'll be fine sir , it's ten minutes honestly it's all good" . We go back inside and when I get back to my chair Jamie is obviously itching to ask what that was about

"Sir was just asking if I needed any extra help with the exams and whatnot" . I see I have a message from my Mum and George but try to continue with my conversation with Jamie but I know I just want to check them.

"Hey that's cool , what did you say?"

"I said not for right now but if it changes I'll let someone know". I pick up my phone seconds after saying this. I open George's message first. It's a snap of him outside with his friends again or who I'd assume to be his friends here all huddled in a small corner and one boy has his arm around a girl and kissing the side of her head and there's another blonde boy there he's quite tall but not as tall as George and his eyes are bright blue none of them are wearing what I'd say was a uniform more just like school colours. It's captioned "I'm so proud you managed the class , you may have had a small hiccup but you worked it out and that's great , the guys say hi by the way"

That's makes me smile I guess he's spoken about me to them which leaves a small twinkle inside me and my checks redden at the fact that he's says he's proud of me. I snap a picture with my fingers crossed again. "I bet you were just hoping for me ay; my lucky charm , tell em I said hi back."

Like clock work literally the bell chimes bang on one o'clock and everyone starts piling out of the room and make a mad rush to the door. I wait till everyone is out then make my way out with Jamie's hand resting on the small of my back , it's a protective "older brother" thing. He's a few months older than me it's been a thing he's done since year 7 so I'm used to it at this point it makes me feel safer I suppose. The minute I walk into the canteen the noise is the first thing that overwhelms me stopping me in my tracks. Jamie's pauses with me "you okay mate?"

I glare at him for a second but then decide there's no point in trying to even lie right now "yeh, um , actually, I'll just go wait outside if you wanna go find Ross and get what you guys want I'll meet you out back" he rubs my back before he wanders off looking back at me "okay bro we won't be to long okay?" Then makes his way into the crowd of kids waiting for there lunch. I walk in the other direction trying to get to the back doors as quick as humanly possible. I hate noise I don't know where that has come from but recently any type of loud noise , grating sounds or repetitiveness has just really made me skittish and I don't really understand why but I have every feeling I'll figure it out. Once I'm outside and hidden away at the bottom of the field I pull my phone out along with a zoot and pull up George's name and having a little thought to myself and quickly change his name in my phone to "My lucky charm" cheesy and a little weird maybe but it makes me smile and I open up his latest message.

"I'll be anything you need me to be just so long as you feel good, I hope your eating lunch or at least something, but I am super proud you managed a class I know you said earlier you might struggle going to your last class but do you think it might be worth trying?"

This man really knows how to get me in my feels I take a picture of my zoot and my shoes yanno like all the stoners do on there private stories and reply after really thinking "I'll eat my other cereal bar, I might ask Jamie or Ross to get me something from the canteen before we go back to class , my last class is physics tho so I may only be there five minutes but I'll try just for you". That just for you might push some boundaries or make him feel a little weird but it's not my intention

I get a reply instantly he's still in his small corner I feel like it's pretty much like us all huddled in the corner of the field we're we smoke all schools have there places I suppose but the blonde kid from before is sat in his lap my heart sinks but I don't really know why . I don't know a lot these days if im honest. "We'll you know we're I am if you need to talk about it right ?, and maybe rather than sending you the song would you like to call again tonight so I can show you it "in person", I''m going to Adam's for a little while with the guys but I'll let you know when I'm home"

I just reply through normal messages this time taking pictures sometimes just is futile to me when I can convey how I feel just through words "I'll be sure to let you know the minute I need anything don't worry, AND YEH SHRE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING". As I send that away Ross and Jamie come running over to me and plonk themselves down on the grass in front of me "hey bro", Ross is always just simple and sweet always to the point

"Alright Rosso?" I hand them my lighter when they pull out there joints and start hastily looking around for one they never seem to have

"Cheers mate" Jamie takes it and lights up before passing it to Ross who also lights up

"Yeh I'm alright , how are you doing Jay said you managed German".

"Yeh dude it's was fine , but it's just a class I don't know why everyone is so mega impressed I've been doing school for like 12 years now, it's a normal thing". Again here comes the self depreciation and loathing it's never really good to dwell on my achievements if that's what you'd call them

"Bro I don't know if you've noticed the only class you've done properly in two weeks has been English you haven't attended a full class except English in two weeks , so really I think it is an achievement". Ross always knows how to put things into perspective. "That is true mate you've either skipped or not been in class the whole lesson for days bro" . Jamie not to much

"We'll alright , it's just some classes mess with my head and make me crazy that's all. It's nothing to write to the newspapers about", I rub my temples waiting for my headache that started as I walked into the canteen to dissipate because I really don't feel like dealing with this right now it's been a good day I don't want a headache to ruin it "Ross mate have you got anymore pain killers ?". The suns in my eyes I swear it never used to be this bright but Jesus I'm squinting again. "Are you sure that's a good idea having been smoking".Always the levelheaded is Ross

"Where are your glasses mate you brung em with you yesterday but I didn't see you wearing them and your not wearing them now, they might be contributing to your headaches". I know he's probably right but they just make everything even brighter and stark

"I know I probably should be wearing them but there just really irritating my eyes, but honestly I'll be fine the weed and the painkillers will help I'm sure they will even if it's just one, I just need it to go away before next class or there's not a single chance in me sitting in there". I try to block my eyes from the sun so it's not so bright and look at Ross pleading with him.

"Alright fine but one because I don't know how well they mix I don't want you throwing up on us again okay?". He hands me the pill and throws over his water i thanks him and neck it hopefully it's fast-acting

"Also here have this". Jamie throws me over a bag of crisps I also thank him and starts digging into them. It might be the fact I'm highly delusional right now or I just haven't eaten much in hot minute but these are amazing.

"So how you feeling like honestly feeling right now mate?" Jamie pipes up after a good solid five minutes of silence as we all eat and drag out joints out as long as possible

"I don't know how ready I am for physics if I'm honest but I spoke to George and I said I'd try". I finish with my crisps and just shove the empty packet into my blazer pocket and will dispose of later when we go back inside.

"George ??". Shit I forgot they don't know about George, I haven't actually said his name until now.

"Oh uh yeh George , he's the guy I was telling Ross about I met him online the other day and he's been tryna keep me right and out of my head". They look at me now a bit bemused "what?"

"You Matthew Timothy Healy are you trying to tell us that your actually letting someone help you". Ross chimes in with a mouthful of crisps himself.

"He's nice, but hey I let you guys help I'm just used to you guys ain't I , he's new and he doesn't fully get me yet".

"Alright alright , settle down , so you told him you'd try what does that mean exactly?"

"That I'll go but if I don't want to be in there I'll ask if I can go sit with Miss Conner's again don't worry I won't leave I'll still walk you guys home today" . I cross my heart for added affect and dramatisation.

"Alright then but you know you don't have to right?". Ross is looking at me all serious now "like don't force yourself to stay in the lesson"

"I'll be fine, I know what I'm doing" I give them both a hopeful smile and a big thumbs up mainly to convince myself more than them but it's alright. Just then the bell goes off as we all run back down to the top end off the field and inside so we don't get locked out. This door always gets locked on during class so people don't leave but they forget there are other doors. We say our goodbyes and I make my way to physics my heart evidently throwing itself out of my chest before I even enter the room but I push through. I sit down and my table and shove my rucksack under it and wait for everyone to arrive. The volume starts to rise almost instantly as everyone is hyped after lunch and ready to start the lesson. This already is not feeling like a win. I send George the fingers crossed emoji just a quick little reminder to know I'm thinking about him and letting him know that I know he's there if I need him. Mrs Alaric makes her way in and ask us all to settle down as we have an experiment to take part in today and that she needs us all to listen, I feel my chest start to heave slightly as experiments always make everyone loud and bunsin burner smell really sets my teeth on edge but I let her explain before I decide what I'm doing.

She's spends at least half of the lesson describing the experiment and we all note down the information and how we think it will end there are two boys across the other-side of the room messing around and the constant shouting is really doing my head in but alas Mrs Alaric separates them and then she asks us to pair up and start the experiment and that's when it all goes to shit for lack of a better word really. Everyone gets up there chairs scraping against the vinyl flooring which goes right through me and then everyone starts chatting and working around me. I try to start collecting all the equipment but there's people everywhere and there loud and I keep getting knocked into people. So I sit down and cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes hoping to drown everything out. Mrs Alaric comes over to me and taps me on the shoulder startling me

"Are you okay Matthew would you like a minute outside". I take a minute to look at her she does look mildly concerned I wish this feeling of dread and uncertainty would just fuck off honestly man.

"Can I just go see Miss Conner's"

"Let me page her and let her know once I know she knows your coming I'll let you go okay ?" Alright she taps me on the shoulder again and turns to the class to give them there next instruction standing next to me the whole time then pages for Miss Conner's to come get me

I close my eyes again and just rest my head on the desk, the desk is cold and it's kinda nice you know after a few minutes there's knock at the door looking up I see that's it's Miss Conner's and I have never packed my bag and left a room as quick as I did then.

"Alright Matty?" We start the trek back to her office. My second home at this rate. My head is still rattling the pain killers didn't help at all .

"I tried but it's to loud my brain felt like it was gunna burst out my skull". My chest is still heaving and I'm still finding it difficult to breath but I'm slowly calming down and it's completely back to normal once we reach her office. She sets me down and lets me get settled. I pull my phone out just to let George know what's going on I did tell him I'd keep him updated. "We'll that's went as well as I'd pictured". I place my phone back onto the table and take out my notebook .

"I haven't got any work for you to do as of just yet so just catch up on anything you need to get done, I've got a meeting I need to attend to will you be alright in here by yourself" . She checks her watch as if keeping an eye on the time

"Yeh it's quiet in here I'll be fine". I send a smile her way hoping to convey what I need it too.

"Alright we'll Mr Cahills office is just next door if you need anything please ask him and I'll be back at 3 and we can have another little chat before you go is that okay"

"Yeh that's okay , thank you Miss" . She then leaves and it gives me a second to just think on my own my screen lights up with George's contact and I scramble to pick it up

"What happened are you okay" he sent it with a picture of his class looking like there playing football and he's just off to the side.

"It was just to loud and too crowded and my brain was gunna explode so I came back to Miss Conner's office". My notebook is just full of lyrics and unfinished songs. There's a few that are complete but there not all the good really to me anyway.

George's replies within seconds "we'll at least you know you've got Miss Conner's to keep you right and I'm glad you came to me"

"We'll I did say I'd keep you informed , also I thought you were on the football team, why aren't you playing"

"I really couldn't arsed today honestly, I'm sooo ready to go home" . A smile creeps onto my face because damn do I get it. I'm so over today and I'm so bloody tired and I don't even feel like I've done anything. "That's understandable"

"Yeh and my teacher is a colossal knob anyway" he's sat there on the gym floor wearing the school gym uniform and to me it's so funny I don't know why but seeing George falling under rules is really funny

"Your really rocking that uniform lad 😂"

"Some can say the same about you "lad" he's smiling in this one his chocolate brown eyes glimmering in the florecent light

"Mate I'm actually fit as fuck right fighting the girls off left right and centre. I don't know about you but I think I rock this uniform quite grandly actually" I'm really not but you know got to raise the stakes push the boundaries

"I mean I get it, your a handsome lad anyone would be lucky to ave ya" . My cheeks start to heat up , does he really think I'm handsome or is he just being nice , I've never really been seen like that by a guy to my knowledge anyway. Some guys are very pretty but I don't see myself as one of them no I'm not gay.

"You really think so !"

"Yeh bro honestly your fit 😉"

It takes me a second to reply because this has just slightly shifted the mood and I don't really know what to do with it. It must take a little longer to reply to him than I thought because he send another message

"Sorry if that's weird"

I rush to reply hoping he doesn't feel bad or hurt "no , no it's alright". I put my phone down for a second just to work on my lyrics for a second and to really get this demo together for Mr Hardy I might be able to practise with the boys later.

5 and 12 from the questions? ☺️

5 - do I have any merch - yes , I’ve got the at there very best cap , a self titled hoodie , a notes hoodie , and the still at there very best T-shirt (from TRSMT ), there are extra things that I wanna get , I wanna buy a record player so I can collect all the vinyls and then for shits and gigs me and my bf wanna get the rolling papers 😂 , but then I wanna get anything I can

And the songs that mean stuff to me rn - 1) number one is always gunna be Nana, for kinda the same reason as Matty but it’s not about my Nana but About my Parents cuz both of my parents have passed away and that song is just sooo angelic and I feel every word of it

Then

(This isn’t usually one but rn )- Is there somebody who can watch you - Ik matty wrote it about his brother or for his brother when he left - and my baby cousin (not to so much baby he’s 18 but he’s my little one you know ) , is moving from the Uk to America for school this month and I’m happy for him but scared at the same time and I really hope he has a great time .

Then lastly Ballad of Me and My Brain - FOR OBVIOUS REASONS 😊😍🥰😊😍🥰

I REALLY JUST WANNA CRY RN

THE WORLD IS AGAINST ME SEEING THE BOUS AGAIN AND IM ACTUALLY GETTING UPSET BY IT NOW 😤😤🤦🏻‍♂️

do you see it

Chapter 16

Word Count :1291

This is another short chapter to have something written this is Matty and Denise

Just parents caring : mention of slight eating disorder

Matty's POV

"Matty your mums here for you", Ross informs me when he comes back with another cup of coffee, he made me one but I guess if mums here I'll have to leave it and he can have it later. I clamber of his bed sighing as I go as I'd just gotten comfy and I don't want to go I hug him goodbye and he tells me to let him know if I need anything.

I grab my rucksack from the door and make my way outside seeing my mum waiting for me outside of the car she came over to me and folds me into her arms "hiya son" , I half hug her , she only just saw me this morning it's not like I've been gone for days .

"You saw this morning mum , you alright?", I smile at her trying to make the situation a little lighter because I know it's just going to be a handful later.

"I'm alright sweetheart , why don't you jump in and we'll have a chat yeh ?" . As she got in the car I got in the other side immediately hit with the volume of the radio

"Shit Ma , could you turn that down Jesus , why's it so loud ?", She looked at me like I had three heads then reached for the stereo turning it down for me. Then starts up the car, waving goodbye to Ross

"It was even that loud Matty, So what's going then?, Ross said your having a hell of a time right now". I really don't want to get into it right now, so I just shrug and lean my head against the window feeling the vibrations going right through me, closing my eyes so I can drown out everything around "Come on love I can see it myself, Can you please be honest with me ?"

"It's just a whole load of everything Mum, Where do you want me to start"

We drive for a while and just talking about everything and anything I can to help her understand what's going on in my head , talking about school and how I'm scared that everything is changing, how much I hate how everything is affecting me, that it's a constant battle everyday to just be okay and she'll listening to me. Not interrupting me , just listening. I don't tell her about the drugs though because I know she'll be upset and I don't want to upset her . She pulls up to the Mcdonalds drive through both mum and dad know that it's where I like to get coffee it's quick and easy.

"Did Ross feed you love !", why did I just know that was coming. I shake my head no but let her know that Ross did try but I argued that I wouldn't want it if he did because I wasn’t hungry, my appetite is just gone

"Love you've barley eaten in like 3 days , do we need to go see Dr Adrian again?". Dr Adrian was the doctor my parents had taken me too when I started having food issues , he gave me supplements to help me get back on track and they did a fine job but since maybe January I just haven't had the best appetite, It got easier to hide as time went on I suppose. "We can see him again you know , he'll help you get back on track".

"Nah , I don't want too , I'm just not that hungry right now" . She still pulled up anyway "Can't I just get a coffee Ma."

"I'll get you a coffee but you need to get something to eat you can save it for later but I'd like to see you get something to eat please" . We're just at the drive in the person has already asked us what we'd like I swear this is just the most awkward this could be

"Alright fine uh , I don't know just get me a cheeseburger then and a Toffee Latte" . Literally even at the thought of eating my stomach is churning but if it's what my Mum needs then so be it.

"Right wasn't that easy", My mum orders food for herself as-well, I go straight for the coffee once it's handed to us the warmth of the cupboard cups really relaxes my hands feels like a warm hand in mine.

"Thanks" . I left the cheeseburger is the bag for now as my Mum drove off, I don't quite know where she's going yet but I'm sure I'll learn soon enough. "Hey Ma?"

"Yes Son?", She looks at me while she's driving quizzical look on her face.

"What's going on with you and Dad?". I've never brung it up with them but I know they've been arguing a lot, and dad sleeps on the couch at night, when he's home that is. I know she cries most nights

"Nothing that I need you to worry about Son , it's just marriage stuff that everyone has , we'll sort it , but I need you not to worry"

"But I do worry Mum, you know uh Ross thinks it might be anxiety, that's why everything stresses me out, do you think I might be able to get help with that" , shes looking at me again but she seems happy that there's things that could help.

"Anxiety is something that we can get you help for but it's not going to be easy and we won't always know what to do but there is ways , we can see if Dr Adrian can help with that". We're on our way home now I think. "We can talk to your dad as-well if you like and we'll work on it together love"

"That sounds good Mum , but don't tell dad everything, can we leave some stuff for dads sake I don't want him to get all protective like he does" , I love my dad and he's always protective when things go wrong and he's so good at everything but when he gets protective he gets all weird

"Right love I'm glad you've spoken to me but I really need you to keep being honest with me, talking to me when your feeling upset or scared okay?"

"I'll try mum I promise" , we pull up outside the house and once we're inside I tell mum I’m going for a shower I feel groggy even though I haven't even done anything, and on my way I decide to message George , I haven't spoken to him all day and I actually miss him

I send him a message "hiya George , I'm sorry I haven't spoken all day, today got really busy and I spent a lot of time talking with people about what's going on, but I'm going to be honest with you right now too , I missed you" , I know I don't even know him and it can be weird missing someone you've never met but I do, it's really helped having him to talk too , he doesn't know my past so doesn't bring stuff up that others might. After sending the text I just hop in the shower and take my time to have an actual proper good shower. Shampooing and Conditioning my hair , lathered up in soap I'm finally feel clean. The heat is really relaxing I wish I could stay here forever. Once I've finished, I jump out and brush my teeth and comb my hair a little staying wrapped in my towel I climb onto my bed and just lay there for a while. It's calming just laying in the quiet in the dark of your own room nothing to think about

you know when you insanely head over heels for someone who you know you don’t even have a chance with and never will have. but every moment you spend with them you’re just like “Wow they are incredible”

that’s my mood today wbu ? 😂😂

Thanks for the tag @ros3chu

1 She’s American - The 1975 🇺🇸

2 Menswear - The 1975 🕴️

3 London Boy - Taylor Swift 🇬🇧

4 Johanna - Jamie Campbell Bower ✂️

5 Spinning - No Rome , The 1975 and Charli XCX 😵‍💫

6 M.O.N.E.Y- The 1975 💰

7 Ex-Wife’s - SIX cast 💍

8 Dancings not a Crime - Panic 🕺🏻

9 Looking for Somebody ( to love)- The 1975 💪

10 Cheating - Michael Aldag 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Tags

1 @justanamesstuff

2 @bookish-strawberry

3 @medeas-chariot

4 @the1975attheirverybest

5 @alwaysanagelneveragod

6 @squishysoupy

7 @tillthelandslide

8 @trumanblackout

9 @footprint-in-the-snow

10 @abiiors

tagged by @dolcevenus777 to do 10 songs, 10 people <3

songs:

kinda outta luck - lana del rey

valerie - the weeknd

lolita - lana del rey

in the night - the weeknd

hollywood - lana del rey

fishtail - lana del rey

bloodline - ariana grande

buy the stars - marina

dealer - lana del rey

orange trees - marina

(you can tell that lana has taken over my playlist💀)

people: @girlbloggerinterrupted777 @iconnnnnn @iheartcarlgrimes1 @fl0raldreams @augustinaas @aspendoll @porcelaindoll333 @esotericalfawn @coppolagraveyard @balletbambi777 (no pressure 🫶🏻)

3 albums I’m listening too , I don’t really do albums but I’ll try my best

1) The 1975 (Deluxe)- I don’t even think I can pick a singular song on that album but one I spend my live shouting the lyrics too is Undo - so if any I’d say that if any because arghhh I just love it so much

2) In the end it always does - By The Japanese House - and touching yourself JUST HAS MY HEART IM SOOOO IN LOVE WITH THAT SONG FUCKIN HELL I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY

3) Socialising- Michael Aldag - POLAROID makes me just go absolutelyferal

@rudiecantfail tagged me to post 3 albums i’ve been listening to lately and i was so exited to talk about music !!!!! here are the albums plus one song i think you should check out

1. unreal unearth by hozier (listen to de selby part 2!!!))

2. i heart the internet by harriette (i’m obsessed with fucking married)

3. big in the world by shakey graves (i think evergreen is the best song on the EP but it’s so short just listen to all of it!)

tagging my lovely friends who i’ve been chatting with today!! @disasterfag @moonyinpisces @davidhole @cptnvers @genderascendant

let's keep this discussion going because I'm really enjoying it 👀