Tell Me This Ain’t Same ❤️❤️❤️

omg i forgot to say the other day i was introducing my friend to some DriveLikeIDo songs , and his first reaction was “this sounds more like the1975 than the1975 do” and i don’t really know why but it creased me

Backstage At Your Show

Matty x Reader

Warning: Smut (Mutual masturbation, voyeurism, public sex? cumplay, dom-reader, and subby Matty)

WC: 3.2K

Summary: You catch Matty in the act backstage at his show.

Masterlist

Matty and the guys had no clue that you would be attending their first-ever arena show. You could hardly contain your excitement for them, having worked so fucking hard to get to this point. Everything felt surreal; you couldn't believe that they were performing on such a large stage and for a sold-out crowd at that. You felt so proud of all of them.

To Matty's knowledge, you wouldn’t be here for another eight days for Christmas Eve, and he was missing you like fucking crazy. As sadistic as it may sound, it made you feel good knowing he was going crazy without you. 

The arena appears in sight as the driver whips the car into its parking spot. You clutch your suitcase tightly and wave a silent goodbye before they pull away. The cold air bites against your body, and the sheer top you’re wearing does little to hide the goosebumps littering your skin. 

You wanted to look hot for Matty, but now you fucking regret not bringing a jacket. The queue of fans lined up outside the arena stretches on for what feels like miles, but you make your way through them, stopping to take pictures with them before Mark rushes outside to get you.

"C'mon, love." Mark grabs your suitcase and leads you through the front entrance, "How was your flight?"

You smile at Mark as you make your way backstage, trying not to bump into people doing last-minute preparations for the show. "God, it was exhausting! I forgot how much I hate traveling during the holidays. Just a nightmare."

Mark chuckles. "Well, you made it just in time. Matty's been moaning about you not texting him all day, you know. He's been driving everyone mad. Hann sent him back to the dressing room because he couldn't take his complaining anymore."

You laugh at Mark's words, imagining Matty pacing around the room, fidgeting with his clothes, and checking his phone every two seconds. It was cute, really, how much he cared about you, but you couldn't help but tease him a little. "I spoke to him this morning! He's just being dramatic, as usual."

Mark chuckles again, shaking his head. "You know how he is."

"Oh, trust me, I do. They definitely need to pay you more for always dealing with his shit." You joke, giving Mark a playful nudge as he leads you towards the dressing room.

Mark laughs, "I keep telling him that. I'll take your suitcase to the bus. The guys are doing the soundcheck without him. Just go down this hall, and it's the last door on the left."

You give a curt nod of thanks to Mark before hastily making your way down the damp-smelling hallway. Eyes focused on finding a head of curly hair. There’s a hum of music playing, growing louder and louder as you approach the door at the end of the hall. The door is barely cracked, but it’s enough for you to see where you’re stepping and to make sure you don’t bump into anything.

The music grows as you stalk further into the back of the O2 dressing room, and you can see the silhouette of a shadow break against the adjacent wall.

A smile breaks across your face at managing to perfect the surprise. Matty would be none the wiser, completely taken aback and shocked. You could practically see the way his eyes would crinkle at the sight of you.

Matty’s back is facing you as he lounges on the chase situated in the middle of the room. The music you had heard is playing on the speaker in front of him, and you are about to walk behind him, jumping into his arms when something catches your attention.

You can't help but pause when you see how his black suit hugs his shoulders, stretching with every tense movement. And it's the subtle sheen on his skin that catches your eye.

Your mouth runs dry as his head lulls back, his mouth parted in silent ecstasy, and his eyes clenched tightly in awe.

“Fuuuck,” he moans to himself, and the grit of his voice has your legs squeezing together, “god–yes.” His shoulders move more intensely, and your eyes are drawn to the glimmer of his many rings, shining with each pump of his hand. And it has you walking closer to the back of the chase.

You dragged your index finger across his body, from one shoulder to the other, going over the highs and lows of soft fabric agonizingly slow. He jumps in surprise and spins around quickly, in utter shock. You have to stop yourself from screaming when you notice the black eyeshadow and liner around his eyes, making his brown eyes pop even more than usual.

He is a vision of beauty. His black suit jacket clung to his body like a second skin, displaying the white dress shirt beneath it in all its crisp glory. The black necktie added a touch of sophistication. Tight-fitting jet-black jeans unbuttoned and hung low on his waist, exposing a dark dusting of hair above his hard cock that was leaking precum at the slit.

He looks like a fucking gothic god.

His eyes, even though wide with confusion, are teetering on the edge of ecstasy as he takes you in.

“Hi, baby.” You purr, letting your eyes wander down the expanse of his body. His entire body tenses, and you shake your head slowly, “why did you stop? I’m enjoying the show.” 

Matty knows that tone of your voice. He dreams about it, makes himself cum to the memory of it. As you circle around the chase, he grows comfortable on the cushions. Palming his dick, he lets you watch as he slowly rubs the length of his cock up and down. “That’s a good boy.” You praise, and you can see the light grow in his eyes.

Sitting opposite of him on the oversized chair, you part your legs in front of him. The skirt you’re wearing rides up your thighs, and his breath catches in his throat at the sight of your bare pussy through your stockings.

Hey, you wanted him to have easy access. You knew how this night was gonna end anyway, and you wanted to make it easier for the both of you. So, you took off your underwear in the airport bathroom.

“What were you thinking about, baby boy?” You ask, and Matty's mouth hangs open slightly as a moan rips through his throat at the pet name. You smile knowingly at him, and his cheeks are tinged red, and you can tell he’s embarrassed by it.

It's fucking hot. You loved it when he had that innocent look on his face when he’s completely lost in his thoughts and didn’t realize what he was doing. God, you just want to eat him up.

His eyes follow every movement as you let your hand dance down the length of your abdomen, teasingly inching its way under your skirt and up the insides of your thigh. “Was it me?” You purr, tearing away the flimsy stocking with your nails, exposing your glistening and ready cunt.

Matty nods, fist tightens around his cock. “I missed you so fuckin’ much, baby.” He moans, pausing the slight lifting of his hips as you circle your fingertip over your already sensitive clit. The moment you stop, he’s staring back at your face, “No, please.” He begs, pumping himself again–quicker, more desperate, “Don’t stop.” 

Your pussy clenches in anticipation, yearning for the stretch of his cock inside of you. “Were you thinking about how I’d ride you right there where you’re sitting if I had been here?” You push further, and his lips part.

He shakes his head feverishly, stumbling over his own movements as you stand and start walking towards him. Matty quickly pulls down his jeans to his lower thighs before palming his dick. The hand he had wrapped around his dick only a second ago slips under the mesh shirt you’re wearing and pulls you closer to his chest.

“What do you want, baby boy?” You ask, biting your own lip to stop the moan as you feel his dick glide against your already swollen clit, his hips involuntarily bucking up as he tries his best to form a coherent sentence.

“Anything. Fuckin' anything.” Matty answers immediately, pressing his lips to your neck, right below your ear. “Just need you.” He mumbles against your skin.

Reaching between the two of you, you take his cock in your hand and stroke teasingly over the length, and you watch as his breathing accelerates. "I heard you were driving everyone crazy today," He choked on a breath as you swiped a thumb over the tip of his cock, smearing the precum over him. Your legs shake as he moans your name lowly and deeply, the sound coming from his chest. "So, maybe don't you deserve anything."

"N-no, please. I do! I do, I do, I do." Matty babbles in a rush, mouth dry and stuttering over his words. His fingers bite into your skin, and he raises his hips once more, attempting to bury himself inside of you.

“Not yet.” You demand, forcing his eyes on you. He looks completely desperate, pupils blown, cheeks red, and slightly sweaty curls falling on his forehead. “You don’t get to fuck me until I say so, do you understand?”

Matty nods and lets his head fall back against the edge of the chase. He loosens his grip, letting you rock your bare pussy over his cock slowly. You can see how hard he’s fighting the urge to push up inside of you. His jaw is locked, his brows pinched together tightly, and to be honest, you were nearly coming undone as well. With every roll, the head of his dick was brushing against your clit, and the precum mixed with your own wetness, aiding in the ease of gliding against one another.

"Wanna make that pretty makeup run down your checks, hmm? Would you like that?" You taunt, as his eyes widen with anticipation. He nods frantically but fails to form a single word. "I want to see you cum all over yourself before I let you fuck me."

Matty almost chokes on his breath, and his hips shoot up into you, the length of his cock twitching against your clit. His black-lined eyes had become glassy; whether it was from the sight of you or the sensations you were inflicting on him, you couldn't tell.

But you can't be bothered by it because he looks so fucking gorgeous, and he doesn't even know it. You almost forgot what you were doing. Almost. But not quite.

"Such a good boy." You purr, picking up the pace once more.

Matty's hips were thrashing in tandem with yours, his knuckles white and his cries more frenzied. Your breath came in heavy gasps as the tension between you increased. You tangled your fingers in Matty's now-soaked hair, pulling him close as you writhed together. Each hip thrust made the knot in your stomach tighten, sending shivers up your spine.

Your breaths are shared with one another: open mouths and heaving chests. In a frenzy, Matty is ripping the shirt over your head and unclasping your bra with one hand, just leaving you in stockings and a skirt. Letting his other hand roam your body. His chest presses against yours, his lips ghosting over your collarbone and down your chest, sucking at your peaked nipples.

“Fuck, baby.” He moans as you pull your skirt around your waist and angle your hips and roll harder against his cock. “You’re gonna make me cum.”

You can see him shake, trying to stave off an orgasm. But you can also see how much he wanted it. How desperately he wanted to cum, to spray all over you, to feel the relief of it gushing out of him.

You loved doing this to him.

“Do it.” You command, gripping his hair, and his eyes go wide. “Fucking do it.” You repeat. Matty’s mouth falls open, his brows high on his forehead before his head falls back against the seat, his hips jerking erratically as he orgasms. You watch as pearly white jets of cum erupt over your boyfriend's still-clothed chest. You can feel him tense beneath you as his orgasm hits and rattles through his body.

He looks at you like he’s never seen you before. And in a way, he hasn't. High on the feeling of his release, he looks at you like he’d never be able to get enough. Like he wanted you to stay just like this, forever.

“You're so fucking beautiful.” Matty whispers, buried in your neck. In any other situation, you would've melted at his words, but the only thing you can think about is wanting to see black streaks running down his face and onto his—now cum covered shirt.

Without a second thought, you tighten the grip you have on his hair and force his eyes on you. The pain surges through his scalp, and he hisses out, but you can feel the pulse of his dick when you do it.

“You’re my little whore–aren’t you?” You question, reaching down between you two, lining him with your entrance and sinking down in one swift motion. Matty moans, almost choking on his spit. Still extremely sensitive from his orgasm not even a second ago. “F-fuck, god–yes, I’m your whore, baby.” Matty whines.

You lean back, hands resting on his knees, pushing your hips down onto him roughly. With your cunt exposed, Matty's eyes can't help but fall to where your bodies meet, watching as his cock slides into your pulsing cunt.

Matty glances up at you through the hair falling over his forehead, and you notice tears starting to form as his hands find your hips, trying to slow your movements. "Please, pleassse! I can't anymore–" He whimpers, sliding his hands to your ass, squeezing it painfully.

"Look at you—shit," Another rough drop of your hips, "a withering fuckin' mess because of me." You chuckle lowly, fighting back the moan as you feel his hips come off the couch, trying to match your speed.

Matty's eyes snap to yours, and his mouth opens, assumingly to respond with some witty comment, but you rut yourself back onto him, bottoming out to the hilt, and Matty's words are cut off with a loud moan.

“Yes, baby, that’s it, fuckin’ give it to me. Fuck my little pussy and make me cum.” You yell, grinding down onto him hard.

Matty’s hips shoot up, his dick twitching inside of you, and you can see him bite his lip hard enough to draw blood. "Oh, god, please." Matty nearly begs, hands griping your ass even tighter, his head to drop back against the chase, exposing his neck. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You’re so good." He moans, trying to restrain his voice.

"I wanna see your pretty makeup all over you." You whisper, leaning forward, licking a trail from the base of neck to his ear. "Wanna see you covered in it."

You feel Matty's breathing quicken, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “Fuck, please.” He whines through gritted teeth, and you can feel he’s about to lose it. You purposely clench the muscles in your pussy, building up pressure in the base of your stomach, and Matty fucking loses it.

"I take it, baby. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I—I'm gonna cum again, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, love. I can't stop it. I can't-I can't- I'm gonna cum again." He whines.

You push yourself faster, grinding down onto him hard. "Not just yet, sweetheart. Give me some tears, baby boy. We're not done yet." Reaching out, you cup your hand over his mouth to muffle his cries. "Don't cum yet. Don't you fucking cum yet." You demand firmly. Matty nods quickly, whimpering against your hand. "Want you to get your head as fucked up as your cock is right now."

You keep one hand cupped over his mouth, muffling his cries while you're harshly bouncing up and down on his cock. "You're gonna take it. You're gonna take it all, alright? Just like a good boy." You grind into him a little harder, making sure your nails are digging into his cheek, but not hard enough to leave marks.

He's out of control.

He's no longer Matty, the cocky, self-absorbed man you love. He's some sort of desperate animal. He’s a whore, and you fucking love it. You can feel his little whimpers in your hand, begging you not to make him cum again, then begging you to let him cum.

Your other hand finds its way to his hair, where you pull at the roots, rocking your hips back and forth. You can feel Matty's head thrashing from side to side, his eyes screwed shut, and black tears beginning to stream from them.

"You love this, don't you, you little slut. You love being a slut for me, don't you?" You chuckle lowly, watching his head fall to the side, away from your hand. "My beautiful boy."

"Ungh! Yeah—shit." He whines. "I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum. Fuck. Fuck."

Your gaze is mesmerizingly fixed on him; his chocolate brown curls are tousled, and there are black smudges tracing the contours of his eyes and cheeks. His pink lips swollen from biting them, his dick twitching inside of you while on the verge of cumming again, It's absolutely perfect.

"Cum for me, Matty. Paint my pussy white."

And he does.

It's so perfect that it has your stomach tightening in knots and your orgasm rising at a rapid pace. "Ungh! Fuck! I'm gonna cum." You moan, losing yourself and crashing your lips to his.

You taste blood as your teeth crash together, and a high-pitched moan escapes from the both of you as your bodies tense. He's cumming, you're cumming. Both of you cumming at the same time.

It feels like your spine has been struck by the strongest bolt of lightning you could possibly imagine. Explosions of pleasure course through your body, your vision goes white for a moment, and you can feel every muscle in your body tense and relax at once.

Your trembling lips locked together as wave after wave of pleasure washes over your intertwined bodies. Inhaling deeply, you both feel the intensity of the moment before slowly exhaling into each other's mouths as his tears wet your cheeks. You can feel Matty's cum gushing into you, marking you as his. You can feel him tense and shiver against you as you milk every last drop of cum from his cock.

You pull away from him, and after a moment, he raises his head to look at you. You move your hands to his face, thumbs swiping away the black lines from his eyelids, cheeks, and chin. He smiles at you, and you can't help but smile back, "Think you gotta redo your makeup. Sorry about that, love." You whisper, gently kissing his lips.

Matty chuckles silently. "Mhm, you're fuckin’ doing it for me this time." He whispers back, kissing your nose.

Tags (can't tag if your @ is red): @nothingrevealedeverythingdenied, @x-a-black-winged-dove-x, @butyou-callmewhenyourebored, @sugarkane1001, @uramilf, @thereisaplaceintheheart, @squishysoupy, @ari-turner, @0nlyangel1975

I know I haven’t really said it but I feel the need to because it’s like 9am , havent sleep properly in like a good few weeks and I am having a minute visit it BUT I really appreciate everyone who is reading my fanfiction, wether it’s something you like or not I appreciate it ALOT it takes me so long to get my ideas on to paper and I’ve never been one that’s very confident in showing my writing to other people so anyone who take even a few minutes out of there day to give notes on and talk to me about it , I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH and I genuinely can’t wait to get more out for you guys , and yeh omg I’m aware that it’s so long and just going to get longer and I’m so sorry but yeh thanks

Special shout out too @justanamesstuff , @got-zofran , @medeas-chariot and @puffpasstea (I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH ❤️)

Here we go guys I know it’s taken me a while to get this up and running but my writers block really hit me hard , Sorry this isn’t the next chapter to “Heart out” but it’s the first blurb to “Menswear” , if people like this short snippet I will continue it

( just a little disclaimer about this fic , 1) I am a transgender male myself so alot of this fiction is based on how I feel about myself written from another perspective and might not be the way others feel and is no way a representation of how everything will be as an experience for everyone 2) I know Matty Healy isn’t a transgender male himself so please don’t be coming at me , I know this ain’t all true based on Matty himself this is why it is fully just a fanfiction , but I really hope you like it)

Menswear

“Georgie , I need to tell you something”

“What’s up?”, George’s bleach blonde mop of ringlets bounced as he turned to look at me , we’d been sat in my room playing Mortal Kombat for hours and I really had something to tell him. It’s been eating away at me for quite some time now, We rarely ever keep things from each other, I’ve know George a couple of years now. We met at the age of 11 and immediately clicked, have been inseparable since. So the fact that I’ve had this secret from him has been destroying me. Mum had been trying to get me to talk to him. Now was as good a time as anything.

“I don’t feel like myself , I feel so wrong in myself like my skin isn’t my own , my thoughts belong to someone else, my body doesn’t match my brain”, I can tell instantly that he has no idea what I’m trying to say, he’s just looking at me with that wide eyed vacant expression that he tends to have when we’re high or he’s confused as all hell.

“What are you talking about ey “, George strolled over to me and plonked himself at the edge of the bed. “ you know you can always tell me if something is wrong”

“I know I know , that’s what I’m trying to do, just let me think for a second okay ?”, I couldn’t look at him. My heart was racing and I could 100% feel a panic coming on. I don’t know why really because I know he’d never judge but telling George feels scarier than telling my Mum and Dad. I took a deep breath , tried to pull myself together and took George’s hand in mine. “I’m transgender George , I don’t feel like a women, I hate everything about it, I want to be a man , no uh …..no , want to be is the wrong phrasing,… I um … I am one” , I could feel tears running down my face alongside George’s other hand on my cheek stroking them away.

“Well then , what would you like me to call you, because I’d like to refer to correctly from now on lad”, The moment he called me lad I knew George would forever be the most amazing person in my life. It just confirmed to me all my thoughts , I knew he’d never judge but it was still scary to think about it. I immediately wrapped my arms around him and grappled him into a tight hug, crying tears of joy, partly because he understood how I felt and accepted me as myself and also because he called me “lad” , that’s what he calls all the boys that we know.

“Mum and I were talking about names , and we really liked the name Matthew, but but but I think I like Matty for short”, George giggled with me and wrestled me into a headlock.

“Matty it is then ey …. Well then Matty, let’s get back to this game so I can beat your ass”

That’s was when we were 14 years old but now here I am at 18 sitting in my bathroom with George about to take my first short of testosterone

You wanna kiss me

BRO IM LIVING

Why does this picture alone make him look so fuckin tiny he’s so cute

the1975: L’Olympia Paris, France July 12th 2023

Chapter 4 I also forgot to mention the fic is called

HEART OUT

Word count 2953

Still angsty atm , mention of possible panic/anxiety attacks , I swear it does get better (many typos )

I get into my class and sit down. I've been placed in a seat that is the closest to the teachers desk as this class is my least favourite so I tend to mess around so I've been moved were Mrs Greer can see me. She's already sat in the class waiting for us all to come in and get out books out. I don't really have many people in this class to talk to as I keep to myself as well as quite disruptive. So for the most part I start on the starter task which takes me almost all of five minute to get frustrated over tearing my page out of my book and throwing it into the bin missing slightly. She spotted me throwing it and asked me to go pick it back up. I skulk over to where I missed it then turn around to the person behind me "hey watch me basket this from my seat ". After returning to my seat with the balled up peice of paper I try again to get it into the bin. I get it in this time and cheer loudly in faux excitement "look what I just fuckin did ".

"Mr Healy have you started the task on the board "

"Yes I have but it doesn't make sense "

I can hear her trying to explain the question to me but I'm just not in the right headspace to listen to her. So I turn around and start talking to the person behind me about utter nonsense

"Mr Healy I'm trying to help you ...are you paying attention

"I am paying attention I just don't get it " I raise my voice a little. Which on my behalf not the brightest idea

"Am I going to have to remove your from the class ..,your being very hostile right now "

"Oh am I , we'll what do you know Matty Healy not paying attention in math class " I know I'm winding her up but I really do just want to be removed from the class today maybe go home early even

"Right I don't think that's anyway to be behaving right now...please go wait outside and I'll talk to you once I've gotten everyone settled

"Nah there's no need I'll just go" and with that I pick up my rucksack and leave slamming the door in my wake. That was very much not my worst encounter with this particular teacher but honestly she knows it's just going to get worse as the class progresses so throwing me out was a better idea.

I go back outside for another smoke and snap George "I'm not staying here today I really am not " . While I'm in the process of lighting my cigarette I hear my head of year behind me "Matty what do you think your doing with that..."

"Oh uh nothing " it's not fully lit yet so I just drop it back into my pocket

"And what are you doing out of class "

"I just walked out I can't be there right now ...I'm not feeling great today and maths is just messing with me head "

My head of year gestures for me to sit down and she sits next to me "so you really think it wise to be skipping on lessons this close to your GCSEs especially maths when I know how much your struggling "

"I just can't not today" I place my head in my hands as my breathing become ragged "I just wanna go home ....can I phone my dad to come pick me up "

"How about you just come back to my office with me and we talk for a bit ...I know you struggle talking about feeling but we can sit down have a biscuit and some tea and just relax ...have you been taking your medication...I've seen a decline in your behaviour the last week or so " she knows me pretty well and I do feel safer in her company so I just nod my head yes to coming with her to her office but then reply with a "no I haven't taken my meds they just make me feel so sluggish and slow ...like a zombie ...I don't like it ...so I stopped " . We rise from the cold grey step at the front and make our way back inside . I stuff my hands into my pockets as we walk.

"You know that's not wise Matty " she looks at me sympathetically as she can hopefully understand what I might feel like

"I know but I'd rather just be jumpy and hyper than feel like I being held back and stuff " I pull my rucksack around me properly again as it was slipping down my shoulders due to my slouchy walk

"We'll we can see what else we can do about that another time , in we go " she unlocks her office door and pulls up a chair close to her desk and I sit myself down basically curling myself into me

"Now if we may start , would you like to tell me what's been wrong lately. If we can maybe have a little chat and later we can get you back to class "

"No! " I accidentally shout "sorry Miss , sorry I just don't really want to go back , if you won't let me go home can I just stay in here and do work please "

"We can discuss that later yeh , just let's have a chat , tell me something good that's going on and something that you need to let out "

I let out a long sigh deciding to start with the good thing i suppose "we'll uh the boys and I have written a song for the school production and Mr Hardy said that if we get him a demo in by next Friday he might consider letting us sing it , that's quite exciting. It's not set in stone yet but we'd really like to do it , the boys are quite pumped really "

She smiling at me contently "that's very impressive Matty, and what's plaguing you ?"

I can feel my eyes start to well up and sting before I even begin to describe it "uh, I uh , just fuckin really miss Janey like a lot " tears start pouring down my face "and she only got into the wreck like 3 months ago and no one's talking about it and I understand that people don't want me to be upset by it but I just wish people would at least seem like they care and it would make me feel less like it was my fault which I feel like that anyway cuz I was the one messing around in the car while we were driving and obviously a little intoxicated , and ....l" my breath hitches "I just can't stand not having her around she was my closest friend miss and I can't do any of this without her " I breakdown right there and then and it just doesn't stop.

Miss Conner's came over to me quickly and wrapped an arm round me and kept telling me everything would be okay and that its out now and it should hurt less now.

I don't calm down for at least ten minutes that's when I get my breathing back to a steady pace, my eyes now puffy and itchy. "Can I please just go home Miss".

I can sense her really pondering it for a minute "alright , I'll let you off today but try and come in tomorrow and if you really need to I can get some work from your teachers and we can try work on some stuff together, Can we try that ?"

"I can certainly try Miss".

"So, who am I calling, your mum or dad "

"Dad, please, He's at work so you'll have to call there, can I speak to him just so I can explain"

"let me just call him and you can talk once I've spoken to him , please just stay in here quietly for a second while I go get a phone "

"alright "I watch her leave the room then get my phone out and text my mum letting her know ill be coming home so to not be surprised that I'm home when she's home I go to snapchat to speak to George he's replied few times since my last message

"I'm sure that's not the case right "then not long after there's a video of him and what I assume to be his friends all huddled outside smoking captioned "finally getting my smokes "

I snap him back instantly trying to plaster on a fake smile even though my eyes look terrible and my hairs a state as I've wracked my hands through it a million times since reaching the office "that's amazing, I'm sure you've got to feel a little better now for sure".

I get an immediate reply of his face and god does he look good when he looks free and at peace "yeh man I feel way better, how about you, what's wrong you look upset?"

Another message comes through but just texts "I'm here and I know we barley know each other but I'm here"

"I don't really wanna talk about it right now , I'm just feeling the worst today, I'm going home from school early, so if I don't answer its probably because my dad is trying cheer me up or I'm napping but I'll talk to you later. Thank you though "

Just then Miss Conners comes back in the room, on the phone to my dad. I only catch the end of the conversation.

"Matty would like to talk to you, I'll hand the phone over", I jump up and get to the phone.

"Hi Dad"

"Hiya son, what's up lad".

"just really not having the best day, don't feel great "

"Im at work right now lad, but I go on my break at 12, I can pick you up then, can you hang on that long son, Its about an hour yeh?"

"If I have too , then I will, I love you Da".

"I love too son, I'll see you soon alright"

I hand the phone back over to Miss Conners "He's coming to get me at lunch time". After a small look around the office I notice a small sofa on the back wall "Do you mind if I rest for an hour?"

"I know I should be trying to be getting you work to do but if you really need it then ill let you today" she gestures to the sofa behind me "just have a rest there it might help you feel a little better"

"Thanks Miss". I drop my rucksack on the floor next to the sofa next to me once I've sat down and try to get somewhat comfortable. Once I've closed my eyes I let the world around me die down and quieten trying to ignore it all.

I must have drifted off because the next thing I realise Miss is shaking me out of my slumber "Matty, your dads here, he's just waiting outside". It takes me a good few minutes to get myself together, wracking my hands through my hair and rubbing my eyes "Thanks for listening". She takes me through reception and lets the receptionist know where I'm going. Then I say my good-byes and make my way to my dad's car and hop in after throwing my rucksack in the back

"Hiya". I strap myself in as my dad takes off

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong then son?"

"I told you I just feel really ill". I don't want to look at him as I know I'll just breakdown again, so I pull my discarded cigarette from my pocket and roll the window down quickly lighting up and relaxing a little.

"Have you had anything too eat and no before you start those don't count", He means my fags "No not yet, I was gunna get something at break, but it totally skipped my mind". He's looking at me like I've just killed the pope now. "Dad come on I'm sorry"

"I know love, but honestly you really need to work on eating right. your bloody skin and bone as it is"

"I know Dad I really am trying; I just can't find the time for something as menial as eating right now, I know its important but I'm so busy and forget so easily". My dad knows the struggles I had when I was younger so doesn't push me with it

"What about sleep, how is that going now that you've stopped your meds?"

"Yeh that doesn't seem to be going as well as id have liked it to, my brain just won't stop running, everything is just blur then its time to sleep it doesn't work, I got a few hours last night and had a nap at school. It's just hard to settle down".

"I know your busy and they make you tired and you don't like them all that much but are you sure going off the meds was the best idea".

"We've already done this dad, I know you and mum didn't really agree with it but I don't feel like myself on them, I'll learn to cope without them I promise". My head is pounding at this point and my ears were ringing "Can we stop and get a coffee?"

"sure we can but first I need you to promise you'll get something to eat and have a proper sleep when I drop you back home". He's looking directly at me I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my skull. I turn to look at him after dropping the remanence of my cigarette onto the ground below me "I can get something to eat , but I've got work at half three and if I go to sleep now I wont wake up in time , but ill try to get an early night".

"That I can live with". The rest of the car ride goes by quite quietly even after he goes through the maccies drive through to get us both a coffee. The warmth of the cup momentarily stopping the tremor in my hands. "Thank you, Dad, I love you". I really do adore my dad were remarkably similar in many ways and my dad has always been my biggest supporter in anything I do "I love you too son."

He drops me back at home just after 12:30 after saying a quick goodbye I unlock the front door and slam it behind me as I watch my dad leave for work again. I drop my bag at the front door and quickly make my way upstairs to my room. My haven. After setting my record player up I put my Joy Division record on and lay down on my bed staring at the ceiling. I feel like I've laid their ages, but I think it's only been about ten minutes as I'm only on the third track on the record, but my head starts to spin more, and my stomach feel weird "ah shit". I get up quickly and run to the bathroom nearly tripping over the mess scattered around my room just making it to the bathroom as I throw up violently. My whole-body shakes as I retch as there is not much to come out of my stomach this is a quite common occurrence these days, but I don't hate it any less. I sit next to the toilet with my back against the cool tiles on the wall trying to catch my breath. This part of my day is never fun. I sit there for another 20 minutes just to make sure I don't need to throw up again and let the shaking subside.

I take out my phone, I go to message Ross to ask him for help, but I think twice about it he's already worried enough as it is, so I see myself hovering over George's name. He doesn't really know me so it shouldn't be too bad. I message him "Bro I'm so sick, I can't deal with today". He doesn't have to help me or really know how to but telling someone might help a little. I get a text through not much longer after

"Why what's wrong love?" Love? where did that come from? It takes a minute for me to think of a reply to him that doesn't make me sound like a mad man.

"Just been a tough day ay, my whole body is against me right now, my brain is fighting a losing battle with itself and I just wanna disappear, also love?" I catch myself staring at the sentence for a little longer than I feel I should have, and my cheeks start to flush, and the reply startles me a little "sorry I didn't mean to say that, I'm just so used to saying that , I didn't think but seriously mate that's seems like a lot to be dealing with is there anything I can do to help?" . He's so damn sweet "I don't think anyone can help at this point G". That's the honest I have been in a while the only person that can help me is me but I've no idea how to do that. "Well, I'm going to do what I can to help, no matter how long it takes." I just throw quick thank you back because I don't really know what else to say at this point.

I get back up off the floor and begin to strip my uniform from my body a shower might do me good

I know it’s not new years just YET , but my New Year’s resolution is going to be to read more (not just fan-fiction cuz I do be reading like so much of that) but like paperbacks and novels and stuff because I don’t read a lot of books so someone reminds me to actually pick up a book once in a while because I know I’ll let things “pile up” and forget 😂😂

update on the band situation

IMMA BE A LITTLE DRUMMER BOY

Chapter 21 of Heart Out

Word count : 3329

Warnings : Mention of Violence , Use of the F slur , Light smut mention

I’m sorry if this is a really random chapter I just really wanted to get the next chapter up and I’m really enjoying this particular story arc

(Will you all let me know if you’d like the chapters to be longer and I can do that for you’ll )

Slight mention of violence and the F slur and some smutty ness

George's POV

I woke up that morning feeling pretty great about myself. I'd slept and I felt pretty fresh honestly.I haven't felt this good in a while. As I turn to face the other-side of my room my laptop is still on my pillow and Matty is still sound asleep looking so beautiful like WOW I'm sorry he just is so beautiful. The memory of the conversation I overheard last night comes flooding back to me and the butterflies starts fluttering around in my stomach and it's quite a weird feeling I haven't felt in a while. How can this actual angel be interested in me. I sit and overlook his features for a while, his hair so curly, his face so soft but scrunched against the pillow, the duvet wasn't fully wrapped around him and his chest is rising and falling steadily. He looks so small like I could just pick him up and whisk him away and we could just leave this place and be ourselves. I got dragged out of my thoughts by a loud knock on my door "George I need a word please", I roll my eyes on instinct of hearing my dads voice. "Get yourself dressed please and I'll be waiting downstairs".

"Alright" , that's all I'm giving him right now, he's already "chatted" to me enough and I'm not even going to bother with it today. I know what he's going to say and I know exactly how he's going to say it. I pull myself from my bed and start getting ready for the day. Before I begin to get changed I make sure I'm fairly decent I still have shorts on so I walk over to my mirror on the back of my door and snap a quick picture of myself but just of my top half and caption it "Good Morning love" along with a tagged sound of "talk like that" by The presets I don't really know why I picked that song exactly but I really resonate with it right now.I take my time getting dressed because I really can't be bothered talking to my dad right now he had a go yesterday and last night he really doesn't need to do it again. So either way once I'm dressed I skulk downstairs and sit waiting on the sofa for my dad to come and annoy me yet again I just sit on my phone until he's ready.

"Right George , I'm not happy with any of this right now", my dad is sat across from me in the arm chair staring right at me as he's beratting me but I don't even want to look at him so I pick my phone back up and nod along as he continues. "You've got exams next year, your 16 years old, I know you've been smoking and drinking when your round at that Adam kids house and I don't want you pissing your life away George", I've drowned him out at this point. I just want to leave I've never been really good with people telling me what to do. "George are you hearing me, I will have to start taking action if it gets worse, I will have to ground you" , this causes me to roll my eyes again and reply with

" mhm , okay, it's been like a few classes dad, it's not gunna have that much of a drastic downfall in my life", I swear my dad just over reacts about everything, he's just giving me dagger right now. Obviously that wasn't what he wanted me to say.

"Alright sorry dad, I'll take better care, can I go now?, I have stuff to do".

"Yes fine go , but one last thing these late night phone calls you keep having also need to stop , you are up at all hours of the night and keeping everyone awake"

"I don't even make that much noise", I rise from my spot dragging my rucksack with me and go to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Mums made waffles "Thanks mum".

"Your dads right you know , you do need to sleep more at night love , your staying up far to late". Oh my god can't people just leave me alone. I'm not doing anything wrong. I was just being a teenager I don't know anyone else who isn't like me. I roll my eyes again for like the millionth time today and push myself from the counter with a sigh "George come on don't be like that I'm just trying to help you excel"

"I don't need help , I'm doing fine", I do love my parents and I don't mean to be harsh with them but when they get like this , telling me what to do and how to live my life, it just boils my damn blood , I sigh while pushing myself from the counter," can we drop it please , I need to get to school" , I leave without getting a response, quickly collecting my things from my room . My jacket and shoe you know. As I go to leave I hear a soft whimper from Matty on the screen, as he turns around properly facing the camera still asleep. Perfect picture opportunity, I quickly pull my phone out and take picture before turning my sound down and leaving for the day.

I wait till I'm at the bus stop before I light up a cigarette, I then realise I've only got two left, no way is this getting me through the day.

"Yo, Ad, do you or Joe have any smokes, I have two left"

I slip my phone back into my pocket after clicking my music back on, this bus stop is far to busy right now it is every morning but the head space I'm in I could snap at anyone if they come to close to me right now. Everyone does keep there distance though so that's lucky. Just like yesterday I jump into the bus flash the driver my card and shove my lanky body into the corner while pulling my legs up so people don't even attempt to sit next to me. Adam texts me back 

" Yeh G, I've got some , not much but still enough", this makes me visibly relax a small bit, I reply back a quick thank you and that id see him later, then I slowly go back to my camera roll to check out the picture I took of Matty, Then something that isn't me takes over my hand and posts the picture to my private story captioned "This One Right Here Is So Pretty" after I post it a smile grows wide on my face because I'm not lying he is. It doesn't take long for a few messages to come pouring in, I know they wont be bad as its just people I trust on this story, There's one from Joel. Carly and Laura, my eyes grow to the size of bowling balls when I see Laura has messaged me, she hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. I immediately open it as it cant make my day any worse and I need to know if she's okay?. As I open it my breath hitches its just the eye emoji under Matty's picture 

"Hey you alrite?"

I see her icon flash up a few times before a reply comes through and its not even an answer just another question "who's that then ey?", Do I tell her ? or do I just swerve the question and ask how she is again. She doesn't need to know of anything between Matty and I yet since its not really anything right now.

"I asked a question first L, can you answer that first then we can talk about  other stuff ?", again her icon flashes up on the screen a few more times before a quick reply comes through.

“I’m fine George but no I don’t want to talk about other stuff I just wandered who that was but it doesn’t matter”, why is she always like this, won’t even have a conversation with me anymore. This makes me roll my eyes and just shove my phone back into my pocket because this will just cause an argument.

The bus stops outside of school and as I step off I pull a cigarette out of the nearly emptying box and light up. I can hear Adam and Joel before I see them arguing like they do over something or other. “Yo lads came yourselves , what’s got you so heated”

“Just a discussion about games man” , Adam turns around at my voice after claiming that he was right before asking me “you alright lad , you seemed stressed when you texted”, as he tells me this he hands me a handful of cigs “they’ll help ya”

“Just my dad , at my head before I’ve even had a second to wake up”, I take a long drag of my cigarette and pull my headphones out so to not be rude and walk with them as we make our way up the drive to the front door, As everyone goes in I hang back a bit and Adam comes back

“You coming G?” , his arm is sling around my arm and trying to walk me in “I know your dads pissing you off but come on , come prove him wrong you know what your doing” , I shrug a bit and go with him because he’s right I do want to prove my dad wrong but I honestly also just don’t want to be here just to spite him and show him I can make myself a living without needing school

“Thanks Hann, Im coming bro”, we walk through the doors and make our way to class, as I sink into my chair next to Adam in our English class. I see Laura come in through the door and she spots me giving me a solid side eye before scoffing and getting into her chair, I roll my eyes again and of course Adam saw the whole encounter and nudges me

“What was that bro?”

“Nothing she’s just being a nightmare, she saw my story and now she’s sulking” , I pull my phone out of my pocket and show Adam the conversation, as well as the story although he’s already seen it.

“We’ll she might just need you to explain what’s going on , you broke up a month ago and where together a while and she might need closure”, why does he always have to be such a grown up , I just need someone to agree with me. I love him man but he’s to grown up for this stuff. This makes me laugh a little.

“You know what dad your probably right”, We’ve always called him dad for as long as we’ve known him because he’s always just been so sensible and levelheaded it’s freaky sometimes. He just rolls his eyes at me for this as we eventually start the class.

Like most classes that involve a lot of writing it grates on me. Adam helps me a lot though it gets me through, mid way through class a message comes through from Matty I guess he’s not at school today.

Which I get. I open it and smile automatically at the reply

There’s a picture of Matty laying in his bed looking refreshed , all soft and cozy but with the biggest smile on his face “That’s not the best way to wake a man up G 🫠😉, I know I said it takes a while to get things going sometimes but stuff like that will surely work”. We’ll that’s always an opener for a morning , I reply back quickly with a wink

“I hope you like it”, I turn in my seat a little so that no one can see my phone and my back is against the wall. Incase his next reply is a little more forward, Can’t be getting caught with that. I spot his little emoji pop up in the corner.

“More than satisfactory Darling …but I may have to go sort myself out first before I chat yanno” , Wow , can’t do that right now bro , I blush to myself as I sink even further into my chair, still trying to work a little bit so I don’t get into more trouble.

“This is not the right place Matthew” , the picture I send back with this my mouth is wide open in faux shock and I’m making sure to get some of the classroom in shot so he knows where I am. And send it with a chuckle to myself. I really hope no one is paying attention to me right now.

There’s a short video reply this time , he sent a little message reply telling me that there’s no sound so I can open it without worrying , the video is just of him laying in bed obviously but he’s just slowly pulling the duvet further down his chest “You can’t be seriously telling me you don’t want to see”

I breath in trying to control myself he really is a little fuckin devil , this time though I do just send a message rather than a picture because I can feel Adam looking at me “Love you know I want too , but I’m in class right now”, I then just place my phone on the table and look to Adam with a questioning face and shrug.

“That him by any chance G?”, he’s smiling at me so he’s catching on very quickly but It can’t be that obvious right. So I just shrug again as a way of saying what do you mean by that,”you’ve gone bloody scarlet mate , it’s him alright”

“Whatever , you are exactly the bloody same with Carlz stop tormenting me alright”, we both start laughing at that because really we are just a pair of simps, the ending of the class rolls around quickly, I’ve received a few messages from Matty but I’m too nervous to open them because I know what he’s like, but when we’re all sitting out back at break time is when I decide to brave it and open them. There’s only three they can’t be that bad right.

The first

“Too bad , it could have been fun, messing with you while your at school , never done that with anyone yet but it’s on the bucket list😉”

The second came about twenty minutes after

A picture of himself fresh out of the shower , towel wrapped round his small frame “it would have been more fun if I had your input darling but Wow , that was very much needed ay”

The third just a simple “Sorry about that , anyway how are you?”

This causes me to smile and blush again, I don’t know why I know he’s a confident guy when he really pushes himself but he’s so gentle sometimes and just needs to be more himself , I send him a video back of myself and the guys just chilling “you I’m alright love , my dad was doing my head in this morning so I’m a little iffy but I’m fine , how are you feeling?” , as I send of this reply a bunch of lads from the year below begin to approach as and I instantly know this isn’t going to go well.

“Oh look it’s the fag and his body guards , he had to borrow the giant from jack to protect him”, Reece what a bellend man really needs to think up some new insults, I’ve always been labelled the giant from the beanstalk by this kid at this point, I don’t even think his little posey think he’s funny. Joel ignores them because he’s not one for really standing up for himself but I’m not dealing with there crap today

“Do you just wanna get lost Reece” , I don’t look at him to give him the satisfaction that I’m sure he’s craving, I just try to get lost in what I’m doing in my phone Matty has replied but I don’t really get a moment to reply when Reece pipes up.

“Not very friendly of you Georgie , also I don’t think little Joel here needs you too stand up for him he can very much do it himself” , he’s now crouching down next to Joel and ruffling his hair and Joel is just thrashing around trying to get him off.

“Reece seriously get your hands off him” , I hate this kid with every ounce of my being I swear to god , Usually I’m a chill guy , but Reece scratches every itch in the wrong way, so I lean over and shove him back away for Joel

“Not a wise move there Daniel,”, in retaliation he shoved me back, we look like children I can guarantee that but so what. A small argument ensues , but it quickly escalated as I saw his fist quickly come up to me and make contact with my face right in the eye

“Nah you’ll pay for that Reece”, this is when we start knocking three kinds of shit out of each other but now I can feel Adam and Joel trying to pull me off of him but I keep pulling myself from there hold , then I hear and younger kid calling for the head that’s walking around on the pitch and he quickly comes running over, and starts to get student support

“There’s a fight out on the back field I will need extra support to sort this out , right lads come on” , when student support make there way out I can feel them pulling Reece away from me and once he’s finally out of my grasp I jump out of his way and let the student support teacher take me off and I follow them back into the school I can feel blood dripping from my nose and I swear I have a bust lip and I’ll be definitively sporting a black eye tomorrow, when I get to the student support office I’m handed a box of tissues and asked to be sure I clean myself up while they find out what happened , I sit down on the poorly made seats and starts cleaning the blood off of my fave while I’m being spoken too

“What happened outside then Mr Daniel”

“Reece was just messing about with Joel calling him all sorts and it was just really irritating me and he swung at me and it just got way out of hand, I’m sorry Sir”, This day has just gone from bad to worse honestly “Don’t tell my dad please”

“I’m sorry Mr Daniel , you know we don’t tolerate fighting here , we will have to phone your dad and we will have to discuss exclusion”

“Fuck man” , I drop the tissue back on the desk at this and my head ends up in my head “that’s just great another thing thing he can yell at me for, will I have to go now then , and how long for”

“We’ll see you next week , let me phone your dad first please stay here and we’ll go and get Reece’s side of the story before we go any further though”

“Fine”

As he leaves I take my phone from my pocket again and actually read Mattys message “I’m doing okay, I was supposed to go to school today but I didn’t set my alarm and my mum said rest might do me well but it’s only 11:30 and I’m already bored out of my mind”, I’m glad he’s getting rest actually.

I reply back with a blank screen just saying that I’m glad he’s doing okay , and that I’m glad he can get rest.

With that I put my phone back into mt pocket and begin to clean myself up again feeling the blood running again. This isn’t happening today my dads actually gunna kill me