I Am In Suffering. My Phone Is Completely Broken And You Cant Fast Pass On PC, SBG My Heart Yearns For

They are so precious to me 🥲

I was thinking about how Jean has probably never heard the words "i love you" said to him before, or at least maybe not in a very long time (the only person i could think of who would have said it is Elodie)

So then I started thinking what if Jean has such a visceral reaction to hearing it from Jeremy for the first time that it actually makes him cry. Even more so because when Jeremy does say it, it kind of just slips out soft and gentle and so casually.

So like one day what if they're just sitting on Jean's bed making out very soft and sweetly. Jeremy smiles against Jean's lips and the words are out before he can really think about it. It's more like a breathy sigh, an exhalation of a confession that Jeremy doesn't even hesitate to reveal. But Jean freezes regardless. Jeremy pulls back instantly to find Jean staring at him a little lost, wild look in his eyes.

So very quietly, Jean asks, "What did you just say?"

Jeremy smiles lazily at him, more than happy to repeat the sentiment. "I said, I love you."

Jean swallows hard and clenches his eyes shut, holding tight to Jeremy's shirt he thinks 'This is a dream. I'll wake up. It'll just be another day and this is just another unrealistic impossible dream'. But when he opens his eyes Jeremy is still there in front of him, except now his mouth is turned down and there's a pinch between his brows.

"Jean? Something wrong?" he asks.

Jean shakes his head, his breath stuttering as he asks, again, "What did you say?" This time it sounds little more strangled and it feels like his throat is slowly closing up. Jeremy's so close and Jean is suddenly so hyper aware of every part of him - his warm tanned skin, his freckles, his soft t-shirt and shorts, his bare feet and ankles crossed in front of him, his messy hair, the shell necklace around his throat.

Jeremy's confused now as he repeats his words, "I asked if something is wrong."

Jean's grey eyes search his brown ones, frantically, desperately. "N-no. Before that," he chokes out.

"That I love you?" Jeremy says again. And Jean thinks, there's no air left. There's no air left in his lungs. How is he saying those words? Like that? Like it's easy.

It takes Jeremy a second to connect the dots between Jean's questioning and his now obvious slow decline into distress. But something shifts in his eyes and he says it again. "I love you, Jean."

Jean's breath hitches in his throat and his heart is now pounding mercilessly under his chest. There's something growing inside him. Something familiar and scary, that usually he'd grab hold of and rip out like a tenacious stubborn weed, so it can't grow back.

But it does.

And this thing inside him, this particular thing, he suspects has been burrowing itself down, digging roots deep into him for a while. So much so that he's not sure he can ever pull it out now. Or that he'll need to.

Then something wet drips down his chin, and it's only when Jeremy reaches up with hesitating fingers to swipe across his cheek that he realises he's crying. His eyes slip closed and he feels Jeremy move closer as he tries and fails to wipe Jean's unrelenting tears that keep spilling down his cheeks. It's as bad as when Cat makes him cut up onions. It just won't stop.

"Hey, hey what's wrong? Should I not have said it? I'm sorry. It just slipped out I won't say it again if-"

This thing growing inside him, whatever it is, bends towards Jeremy's voice like a flower in the sun.

"No," Jean chokes out, cutting Jeremy off. "Say it again. Please." The last word whispered, the sound torn desperately from his lips like a prayer.

Jeremy's quiet before he leans forward and presses his forehead to Jean's. His breath hitting Jean's cheek, he says "I love you." He kisses Jean's forehead. "I love you." Then his cheeks "I love you. I love you." His nose. "I love you." His temples. "I love you." He pauses at Jean's mouth and Jean tilts his own chin up so their lips are just brushing. His breath is still shaky, but each declaration from Jeremy is like a mouthful of air.

Jeremy says so quietly, only for the two of them to hear, "I love you, Jean Moreau." Then Jean is pressing their lips together, with a renewed burst of something. He kisses Jeremy fierce and deep and when he pulls away he whispers it against his mouth too. Finding himself unsurprised by how steadily the words leave his own lips.

That thing inside him, it seems to sag in relief. He's felt those three words for a while. A long while, but now he's secure in the knowledge that it's safe to say them back. "I love you too," he tells Jeremy. It's the first time Jean has heard it from anyone in a long long time, but he already knows he'll never tire from hearing it. It's also the first time he can remember saying it out loud too. And he finds he likes the way it sounds falling from his mouth.

(it's not long before he starts saying it in French. And when he does, he doesn't go back)

TGR SPOLIERS

Hear me out, Kevin knows Jean loves(loved) him. And I'm kinda convinced he might have loved him back but Kevin "its easier to keep him heterosexual" Day, Kevin "they were supposed to be a warning" Day. He knew what would happen to them if they went down that road, yet he learned how to speak french for him, he bought him magnets and postcards and made him promise to survive for both of their sakes. Kevin who fought for Jean in the only ways he knew he could, who kept in touch with him even after he made it out and knew how badly that would hurt Jean, but he couldn't Let. Him. Go. Kevin knows Jean has always like Jeremy, hes aware that Jean likes men, he has to have seen how Jean looks at him, if Riko and Andrew and Jeremy all knew from moments of being with them, Kevin couldn't have ignored it, not truly. I think Kevin did love him, but was so conditioned to never betray Riko, its still ingrained in him despite everything, that he suppressed it as far as he could to protect them both. Maybe thats part of the reason he gave him to Jeremy, he trusts him, he knows hes been through a lot and is healing from it, but he also knows that Jean already liked him and would eventually cave, at least letting him be his friend, healing the things Kevin is still too scared to confront.

I want it so badly to be a step by step process. Starting out fully clothed with Jeremy washing his hair and arms the, maybe he realizes Jean can't stand water in his face so he just wipes him down with wet hands instead of trying to get him under the water. Maybe a week or so goes by and it happens again, but this time Jean's comfortable enough to take off his shirt, allowing Jeremy to wash his back and get the lent out of his scars. (As someone with a lot of scars lent is such a battle especially in spots you can't reach) By the third time Jean is able to close his eyes without being scared, letting the water rush over him without flinching. Two or three months into these occasional showers, Jean is willing to try to put his face in the water, but he clings to Jeremy the whole time, who holds a dry towel for him if he panics. And they get through it and Jean is learning that the water isn't what hurt him. Showers can be good. Showers with Jeremy are better.

desperately in need of a non-sexual jerejean shower scene with their clothes on. jeremy washing jean’s hair. jean realizing that water is not always meant to hurt, but it can even be relaxing. jeremy softly yapping non-stop so jean doesn’t get lost in his thoughts. help

IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. Cat and Jean making dinner and Jean keeps getting annoyed that its in his face so Cat just kinda walks up to him and puts it up, so its kinda messy and the waves are all overlapping in that way they do when its unbrushed. Jean just giving a brief thank you before he continues cutting/seasoning food. Meanwhile Jeremy is just watching like 😳

Jean who’s still upset about his hair being ripped out in the nest, and lets his hair grow out super long just because he can.

Jeremy, who sees jean with his hair in a manbun for the first time and LOSES. HIS. SHIT.

Andrew has been particularly bored this game, they are tied for the third time in a row, yet nothing interesting has happened in the first half of the game. Taking their small rest of halftime, Neil approaches him with a smile that tells Andrew hes plotting something.

"What." Andrew gives him a curious glare as he sits down on the bench beside him.

"Shut down the goal." Neil demands blankly.

"And why would I do that." Immediately pissed off by this, Andrew gets ready to walk off, but Neil says something that makes him reconsider.

"If you do, that little corner store on the way to the dorm. I'll buy you everything you can carry." Neil stares at him with a look that says he already knows the answer, even though Andrew hasnt said or done anything, so he walks away without changing that.

The game starts again and Andrew defends the goal as if its sacred. 32 shots made and not a single one passes him, nothing is going to come between him and his seemingly endless stash of sweets. The rest of the Foxes are greatfully astonished, having no idea why Andrew suddenly kicked it up three gears.

Neil does as agreed, following Andrew around the convinent store as he fills his hoodie pocket, then his pants pockets, the hood itself, over filling his arms and tucking things in every possible location until Neil is certain he will start dropping things.

"Okay, youve already broken rules. You have enough." Neil chuckle as him barely able to see his face buried under the mountain of candy and ice cream.

"And what rules do you think Ive broken rabbit?" Andrew tilts his head with an intrigued glare.

"You filled your pockets. Thats not holding it."

"You said carry. Its on my person and I am carrying it. Buy up."

Rolling his eyes, Neil waits as Andrew awkwardly shuffles a fourth bag of skittles into his sleeve.

After another few minutes of him picking out his remaining choices, they go to the counter, the cashier a young woman wraring an mixed expression of 'what the fuck' and impressed. Before Andrew can start dropping it all on the counter, the click of a camera goes off. Andrew turns to Neil, anger overtaking his face. Another click. Neil lowers his phone as he pulls out his wallet.

"Youre insufferable." Andrew drops whats in his arms and digs the rest out of his sleeves, pockets and hood.

"What percent am I at now?"

"110%"

"Thats not even mathematically possible." Neil grumbles, but he smiles still.

Once they are back to the dorm, neil saves the photo of Andrew looking pissed with 300$ worth of candy in his arms as his phones background.

Andrew changes it to a picture of his middle finger two days later.

one of my favorite things to do in limited perspective is write sentences about the things someone doesn't do. he doesn't open his eyes. he doesn't reach out. i LOVE sentences like that. if it's describing the narrator, it's a reflection of their desires, something they're holding themselves back from. there's a tension between urge and action. it makes you ask why they wanted or felt compelled to do that, and also why they ultimately didn't. and if it's describing someone else, it tells you about the narrator's expectations. how they perceive that other person or their relationship. what they thought the other person was going to do, or thought the other person should have done, but failed to. negative action sentences are everything.

The sentence "whats your favorite color? Mines math." Is so Neil Josten, I about died trying not to burst out laughing in the break room at work.

That is literally how it goes though, Andrew reluctantly being attracted from afar until he tell Neil and then Neil being an endless cycle of puppy eyes and seeking affection.

something about andrew developing very complex and very not-casual feelings for the mysterious, dangerous, temperamental new boy and just being like "yeah. i'd fuck you. what abt it" only for neil to respond with "omg really?? u mean it?.?? that's so cool. what's ur favorite color. mine's math. ur so pretty. i think i love you. we're boyfriends right"

meanwhile andrew maintains his stance of "please die" but he absolutely knows he got himself into this and will not be getting out

the fact that jean knew next to nothing about bryson but took one look at jeremy’s face and decided something had to be done about him is wild. the fact that he stood up calmly and yet waited for jeremy to react again, heard the panic in his voice, and acted, is telling.

“it is my place to assess and handle threats against you” is like the absolute best way of saying “I’ll protect you” that I’ve ever read.

and I know we all lost our minds over this scene because of what jean goes and does and APPROPRIATELY SO, but like…

I almost never see anyone talk about the fact that this is the first time jean has a protective instinct towards jeremy. and instead of something like “I’ll go talk to him” or “I’ll make him leave” . . . . .

nora really had jean pretty much go “cat, hold my monopoly money. I don’t want to get blood on it.” and then he went and THREW A MOTHERFUCKER OFF THE PORCH. and then held him against the windshield because bryson was too stupid to stay put. choked him.

again we all lost our ever-loving minds and squealed and screamed because HOW COULD YOU NOT? but nora set a wild standard for people everywhere because this was jean’s first time protecting jeremy and look at how extremely he reacted. raven or not, damn.

guys. peeps. that next book is gonna be gold.

The saddest part about Jean dying in every other universe isnt that his love story is the only one he survives. Its that Kevin couldnt have saved him, even if he stayed at evermore. If Kevin has somehow managed to get him out, it wouldnt have been enough. Neil wouldnt have been enough if he stayed at evermore, or if he was there from the start. If he had become a fox? Nope, not having Renee, Kevin, Neil and even Andrew wouldnt have been enough.

I cant entirely say Jeremys the reason he makes it either, its all the Trojans, its being in California. Having freedom. Having gay coaches, a sunshine captain/boyfriend, roommates/best friends, its cody and xavier and Renees list, Neils twisted smile and blant ignorance of the rules. Its all these tiny details, these small fragments of happiness that give him the strength and courage to live

Jean Moreau, the one and only.

I dont care what anyone says, Jeremy Sumpter is my Neil Josten 😌