Simooooon

👑Platonic cod with a younger reader who has adhd and got extremely over stimulated by rude soldiers? (People suck)

Thank ya😙

K first of all I don't know hoooow tf I missed that you made a request, thank you, and I gotchu (people do in fact suck).

I'm not sure if I wrote out what you asked for, but this is what I came up with. I do hope you like it.

(This will be a gn!reader I hope that's ok!)

Platonic!141 x gn!reader

Warning: bullying, swearing, badly written fight scenes, actually just bad writing in general.

Dividers by: @cafekitsune

Working with the best of the best comes with a very heavy burden.

For one thing, all of your relationships end up in the gutter or strained even if they're family, friends, or even actual people you're interested in.

But this was an outlet for you to better yourself.

It gave you a routine, and it taught you discipline.

Even if all you wanted to do was sit down and let your mind spiral for even a moment. Even if you wanted to get up from your seat and just fucking move.

How you ended up here is something you have a hard time understanding. But you climbed your way to the top. You've earned your place. So well in fact you've found a home with Laswell. She introduced you to John, and thanks you him, you have a new calling.

Unfortunately, that leads everything full fucking circle.

You start over again. The only ones who know who you are are John and Laswell. The other three know you, but from passing conversations when you're in meetings with them.

They just know you as the backup thanks to Price.

At first such a name easily put you down. No matter what you did, it wouldn't chance the way you felt about certain things. Like if there was a new mission, how everyone treated you like some low-man. Someone to just clean their shit everywhere they fucking go.

And to see the pity come from Garrick or the words of assurance from MacTavish. Oh, you felt tiny.

You just tried to fit in as best as you fucking could.

So you thought maybe making some friends would do you some good.

Until that turns out to be your biggest regret.

Every mistake someone else made, your name had to get thrown in there somehow.

One soldier didn't strap something down, right?

"(L/n) was supposed to help."

Another soldier didn't show up for inventory?

"(L/n) was holding me up."

Soldiers made a riot coming back into the barracks?

"Had to be all (L/n). Rather loud that one."

Jesus Christ, it was incredible the way your name was being drugged through the mud. Eventually, you just stopped interacting with people altogether unless it was absolutely necessary.

Like right now. It's sparring time with your teams. The 141 were busy training among themselves while you were left with your usual 'team.'

One of them straight up walked right up to you, leaning in close so you were the only one who heard. "Honestly, a runt like you doesn't fuckin' belong here." they snicker. "You really think the 141 took a liking to you? You only got to where you were because you got Laswell wrapped around your little finger."

You roll your eyes, ripping away from them before stepping up to the ring. The previous pair had ended their session.

The original partner you were sparring made no sign to move, until you realized the soldier who was just talking to you was making their way into the ring.

You sigh in defeat, unable to think of a reason to get back out. What were you gonna do? Cry about? This wasn't a schoolyard, this was the military.

"Whenever you're ready, runt."

Unbeknownst to you, a few sets of eyes were on you, and not just from your training group surrounding the ring like a pack of wolves.

You felt trapped. You felt targeted. For a while of this happening, it was just too much in this instance. Your head wasn't in the fucking game.

Without that focus, that soldier took you down like you weighed absolutely nothing. One grab and a trip over his foot, you were on your back.

Not even the blows you were landing on the side of his face were doing you any good. Eventually, you did get the upper hand, only to humiliatingly get kicked right in the head.

Everything went dark after the pain blossomed from that side.

This wasn't you. You knew that. You knew you were so much better than this. But how the absolute hell were you to fight this without getting into some drama?

How were you going to prove to those asswipes you belonged here?

Waking up, you squint your eyes at the blinding white light just above you. Blinking to settle them, your sight lands on Price sitting in the corner right next to the door.

His arms are leaning on the armrest as his eyes bore into yours.

For a second you don't say anything until he clears his throat. But even then, he beats you to it.

"Seems I came at the perfect time." He grins. It's small, almost friendly. With a level of professionalism behind it. "Was wanting to talk to you about what happened."

Like a balloon, you feel yourself deflate. Your eyes refuse to meet his after that sentence and all you let out is a quiet, "Oh."

The captain coughs, a light smoker cough you would guess before sitting forward and leaning his elbows on his knees.

"That soldier you were sparring with. Has there been any altercation with 'em?" Price asked, earnestly curious. "Maybe something that was done a while ago that hadn't been brought to my attention?"

You inhale, holding your breath. This felt childish. Right? Tattle-telling on a soldier?

It wasn't like you guys weren't already fighting so...if anything this was on you. It had to be. You just need to better your skills. There is always going to be someone better. There is always going to be someone stronger. There is always something-

"(L/n)." Price interrupts your racing thoughts. "It's up to you if you want to say something. You're not in trouble."

He stands, his hand holding his wrist right in front of him as he slowly walks towards the foot of your bed.

He reaches over, tying your bootlaces as he speaks.

"I know you, (L/n). You're strong. But I'm sure you know there is always someone stronger. That's why your speed and that mind of yours are what drew Laswell to you. You know this."

You finally let a long breath out of your nose, blinking rapidly. "I know."

"Good."

Price gently finishes the bow he made out of your laces, and pats your boot. Another sly smile on his face. "Well, you know," He continues, "This isn't a friendship club. We're all adults here. And you surely won't get in trouble if you know..."

He stares into your eyes knowingly. "...decide you've had enough of the bullshit. Right?"

Your brows slowly furrow in, unsure if you're reading his words correctly. But he doesn't elaborate further. Instead, he turns and walks to the door. "Oh by the way," He turns to look at you. "Ghost and the others will be handling your training during your conditioning hours. Be on time now, (Y/n)."

With that, he slips out the door, leaving you to dwell on his hidden messages. If that's what you should call it.

...

"Again."

You groan from the ground, eyes landing on the hand in front of you and the grin from Soap. "Come on, then. Up ye go." He quips as he pulls you to your feet.

"Try tha' again. And remember to put all that strength into that kick. That's yer knockout. Ghost? Ready?"

The lieutenant's brown eyes bore into yours. It reminds you of Price sitting intensely in the corner of the medical room. Fighting the lieutenant doesn't feel as...well...violent? If that's the right term to use.

Sure this lean, mean, killing machine is a much harder target to fight. But you can't complain. Especially since he is kicking your fucking ass.

"If you step to the left again," Ghost warns. "You'll be rollin' off the side of that ring."

Yeah. Safe to say you've been at this for a while now.

Before you can even begin, the door to the gym opens and a whistle sounds out. "Tav!" Sergeant Garrick's voice sounds out. "Price needs you!"

Soap breathes out his nose before nodding towards you. "Strengthen that kick, you'll have the fucker down before he even blinks." He speaks as he starts to walk to the doorway. Something tells you he isn't referring to Ghost.

The sergeants tap each other, sort of like they tap each other into a situation, which brings a small chuckle to your face.

"Come on, (L/n)." Ghost calls to you. "Need your focus, not trying to send you back to medical."

The recent memory deflates your newfound joy just as Garrick reaches the end of the ring. Before you could even take your stance, you see Ghost wag his finger at you. "Try that again."

You frown. "Sorry?"

You begin to maneuver your stance, thinking you were off balance or something of the sort before he walks up to you and pokes you right between your collarbone.

"When someone is fucking nitpicking you. Stop givin' them a reaction." He grunts. "They know how to hurt you. People you trust would even use that against you."

Garrick leans on one of the ropes, adding in. "Keep your face straight when you're up against someone." He points to Ghost. "If you can't see their emotions, you can't predict their next move."

Just as he says that Ghost becomes lax, looking into your soul with his hands to his sides. You swallow a groan, feeling your body screaming at you.

Like, you fully believed Sergeant Garrick, Ghost really didn't have to show you what he meant.

But then the lieutenant just starts...stalking around you. The both of you go in circle after circle until he finally,

and might I say finally,

strikes.

You jump in your skin, feeling one arm go around your waist, the other hoisting the rest of you up and just dropping down onto the mat with a loud 'oof'. The impact takes the wind right out of you.

You lay there for a moment, with half of the 141 task force staring at your position.

"You really didn't have to do all that." You wheeze out. "I fully believed you."

A hand is outreached to you, and with mild (not so mild) hesitation, you take it. Ghost pats you on the back as you take your walk of shame to the bench right on the side, next to Gaz.

"You know, that was a lot more patience than we thought you were gonna show." He smiles. "Truly. The amount of times Ghost gets Soap with that trick? Never gets old."

He reaches behind you, grabbing a water bottle that was passed to him by your lieutenant and handing it to you. "Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen you make that first move before, Ghost."

The lieutenant chuckles, leaning on the ring. "No. The little soldier had me tired of waiting." He opens his own bottle, picking it up to his lips. "You could really use tha' the next time that prick wants to give you shit."

You frown, confused. "What do you-"

"Soldier," Gaz sighs. "We see the way you let these tossers treat you. You could have said or done something about it a lot sooner."

You're quiet for a moment before sitting up straight and taking another drink of water. "Just don't want to cause issues. Laswell wanted me to take care of myself."

"But to let these nobody's treat you like shit? For the sake of laying low when you don't have to?" Gaz's words have you making eye contact with him. He's staring at you as if he's trying to pull you apart, find out something that really isn't hard to find.

You don't like confrontation. Never was your strong suit. If you needed something shut down, it was difficult to do on your own.

Not impossible sure, but when you're constantly the punching bag it takes a toll on your confidence.

Hell, that's why you joined the military. What else did you have going for yourself?

"Yeah...I guess I just didn't wanna hurt anyone."

"Well, we're not telling you to kill anyone." Ghost cuts in. His steel eyes bore into yours. "Not now anyways."

At that, and you're not sure why, but you crack a smile. Nodding you finish off your water bottle and stand up.

"Am I excused, sir?" You look to Ghost, who only nods his head.

"See you tomorrow, soldier."

...

The next day, both the sergeants and the lieutenant meet you in the gym. It's eerily empty again, save for a few stragglers talking in the corner.

Soap spots you first, giving you a grin. "Righ' on time. In the ring, now."

A sigh leaves your lips as he ducks under and over the bars of the ring, seeing as you're fighting the most excited member today.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did ye wan' Gaz to be in front of ye? We can arrange tha'-"

"No!" You hiss out. "No, please God, no. This is fine. Just...just don't do that fucking thing with your arm and your thumb."

Gaz heaves a large sigh. "Soap we told you to stop doin' that to the rookies."

"Aye, but they're not a rookie now? Are they?" Soap grins.

"MacTavish."

"Aye, sir."

You laugh, setting down your items before joining Soap in the ring. "Alright. What are we working on today?"

The room falls silent, watching as the smile remains on the sergeant's face but then he leans back into the ropes, shrugging.

"Last day of conditioning. Just wanted to talk."

Your brows furrow. "Sorry?"

"You heard him." Ghost calls from behind you, on the other side of the barricade. "You're just talking."

"Aye." Soap puts his hands behind his back, walking towards you. "And just know, truly, 's nothin' personal."

Confusion hits you harder than any punch you received this week. You didn't know what that meant. Nor what it could mean. It scared you only for a moment until Soap reached out and shoved you off balance.

Immediately, you try and position yourself before he tuts at you. "Nae. I'm not fightin' ye today."

You lower your hands, the body still tensed because you don't know what's happening.

"Sorry, I'm lost here."

"Aye. Small minded. Cannae says I'm surprised."

What?

"Sorry?"

"Stop apologizing." The sergeant snaps. "We'll have to work on tha' too."

You're arms crossed, almost like you're guarding yourself. A confused smile breaks through your face, and now you're really unsure of what the fuck is happening.

"Can someone explain to me-"

"Ye need an explanation?" Soap sneers. "Need someone to hold yer fuckin' hand all the time?"

He's walking right next to you, going around you like a shark in the water. "How have ye made it this fuckin' far?" He laughs, and a deep grave tone settles in his voice. "Ye think people owe ye the respect we've earned?"

Ouch. Yeah, that one hurt a bit. You've only been a part of this task force for a fucking year. And you assumed you and Soap formed a small friendly bond.

"How did ye survive selection." he continues. "Honestly. The amount of fuckin' crap ye must've tapped away on should be extraordinary."

"Dude." You scoff. "What the fuck is happening?"

"Again with the fuckin' questions. Ye really think you're gonna get any answers," for once, from this weird interrogation (if that's what you call it), he hesitates. His eyes glance at Ghosts, staring before he nods. You don't even get the chance to say anything or even look behind you before he hits you with it. "A runt like ye doesn't belong here."

The room falls silent. So quiet you could hear a pin drop.

If it wasn't for the way Soap's Adam's apple was bobbing around, you would've taken him very seriously. His eyes refused to leave yours. But you can see the nervousness.

You understood what this was.

Your anger dies down, and you fight any emotion that threatens to come up. It's not easy. You spent years trying to control your emotions. Holding things in, disassociating as a coping mechanism.

This is not the time nor the place to do that, however.

"Nothing to say? Runt?" Soap smirks. It's breaking him.

"Runt's never have a thing to fuckin say. Too busy worrin' bout-"

"Say somethin', (L/n)." Ghost states in the middle of the sergeant's degradation. "Go on then. Give him what he wants."

'Try that again.' the lieutenant's voice goes through your head. 'They know how to hurt you. People you trust can use that against you.'

"Come on then. Say somethin'." Soap hisses right beside your ear. "Aren't ye just dying to run along? Tell me? What'd ye plan on doing, runt?"

You stay rigid as can be. Your eyes never leave a spot you choose to stare at. If you stared at it long enough, you can just mentally check out of this. It'll go by faster.

"Yer just gonna stand there, are ye? Keepin' quiet like a good little solder? Doin as yer told-"

Your eyes snap to his. Emotionless, with a cold smile on your face.

It successfully stops Soap from whatever he was going to say next. The both of you stare at one another for a moment before Soap is the first to break. "Good." He grins. "You finished your last training."

Soap pats you on your shoulder, walking away from you until he's out of the ring.

"What the fuck was that...?" You question. "What You just...hurt my fuckin' feelings and call it training?"

"If we gave you a sticker would you feel better?" Gaz asks, sarcasm dripping though his teeth. "We're teaching you what to do the next time you're in a pinch."

Ghost knocks on the ring floor from his side. "You can't always use your fist, (L/n). But you can always trust that minimal interaction is the best way to get them frustrated."

"And if they decide they need to get physical," Gaz points to Soap, as the other sergeant sits on the bench, finishing his sentence. "Then ye have full authority to let loose!"

"To an extent." Ghost warns.

You blink up at the ceiling, light huffs of laughter breaking from your throat. "You guys are tellin' me," You walk towards the edge, leaning on the ropes. "That this is all because you want me to-"

"earn your respect, (L/n)." The Captain's voice rings out from the entryway. "Show these muppets just why you were handpicked for us."

...

The next team training came a lot sooner than you thought. You've had minimal interaction with the prior group until you were in sparring teams again. What was supposed to be four groups of six, ended up turning into a giant turn-taking fight. People were standing off to the sides, watching the fights go on.

The same asshole from before walks right up to you, standing shoulder to shoulder as you watched the first two soldiers go at it.

It ends with one picking the other up, and dropping him upon his side, a sticking crack sounding from the fall.

A series of 'ooohs' goes around the ring, even the winner kneeling before his partner and helping him out of the ring.

"Take him to medical." The Captain excuses them. He turns to you, motioning to the ring. "You're up (L/n)."

You choose not to make a sound, nor give much of a reaction. Until the asshole's name gets called out to enter with you. His sickening laugh prickles your skin as you make eye contact with all three of the other members across the gym. They each nod at you before you turn around and face your opponent.

"You ready for another beatdown, runt?" He smirks, fists up.

"Keep it focused, Soldiers. if you have time to talk, you have time to waste. And I don't want my fucking time wasted." Price hollers from the side.

Your opponent grins at you, watching your every move. You don't take a stance right away. Your arms appear limp y your sides as you begin to circle each other. You're on high alert, unsure if you would be at this for some time like your training with the lieutenant.

"Come on, runt. You gonna make a move?" He teases. "Come on. Show me that big guy mental the boy showed you this week."

His comment breaks you. A smile cracks through your facade and you can hear Soap speak. "Show time."

Your opponent's patience wears thin, as he rushes and throws a punch right to your left side. Where you had the habit of turning to. But you step to your right, reel back your hand, and land a punch right to his throat.

The soldiers around wince and groan at the sight. But you take no moment to stop before you wrap an arm around his waist and flip him over when the other lifts his legs over your shoulder.

He hits the ground with a loud thud, immediately trying to get back up. His sight must've not been all there, as he stumbles and lands on his knee. "Piece of fucking shit-"

"Oh shut up." You groan out before you swing your leg around, your heel meeting his jaw, and knocking him out.

You sigh, relief flooding your veins as you put an arm up in victory. Turning to the guys with a bright, toothy grin on your face.

"There's that bright smile." Laswell chuckles beside Price. "Hasn't done that in some time."

The captain nods, watching as you make your way straight to his three teammates, each of them patting you with their own words of praise.

"Oh, yes." He sends you his own nod of approval when you turn to look at him with a light that seems to return to your eyes. "Glad it came back."

Thanks for requesting- so sorry it took forever to come out.

Please comment and/or reblog I'd appreciate it! Requests are open!

Ghost: disrespect abounds here

not satisfied but i refuse to work on this any longer

I LOVE THIS I LOVE THEIR FRIENDSHIPP

tw// drug od

Oh my god. From the second I started this show I loved Graves’ and Caulder’s friendship.

Watching Caulder’s od scene made my heart break a little. The way Joe handles it makes me wanna curl up and die (PSA: if you know someone is overdosing, call an ambulance ASAP!)

I don’t know if the fact that he told Dharma that he’s seen this before implies that Caulder has od’d and he had to take care of it, or if he’s had to deal with overdoses in general. My guess is Caulder because of Joe instantly asking if it was oxy.

Joe is always taking care of Alex. Flashback to the infamous “your finger or mine” scene LMFAOOOO. But it speaks volumes on both of their characters.

This moment makes me want to DIEEE… I love their friendship. A man who can’t take care of himself and a man who takes care of the ones he loves.

AAAS

exit, no entry wound joe bear graves x reader; part 1 (3.8k)

-

Local time at destination: 0500 hours.

And then the world rushes back to him like the culmination of a terrible dream.

Bear wakes up in another rosebush outside the front steps of the local library worse for wear. Blinking out of sleep-crusted eyes, shapes diverging in blurry unfocus before slipping back into material objects. A bench. A door. The thorny stems of roses already on their way out, already depetalling, the ground below covered in a thin layer of them. One petal even sticking to his cheek when he pulls himself off the ground, wincing at the branches that crunch around him, that tug against his skin and clothes.

His clothes smell of cheap liquor. Gin. Bourbon. It hurts to open his eyes, to sit up. 

“Morning, sunshine,” someone says. He remembers hearing it in his dream too. 

He looks to the source of his awakening, blanching when he notices the man staring at him.

Rip sits on the other side of the bushes on his haunches, looking deeply unimpressed. Hair slicked back for a change. “This what you get up to when I’m gone?”

Bear doesn’t respond. He struggles to his feet instead, hangover only just creeping in. Still drunk, to an extent. His knees threaten to buckle under him, forcing him to lay a hand flat on the wall to keep himself upright. One foot in front of the other. The walk home feels endless in the hour before dawn, hardly any light to guide him. 

“Pretty pathetic shit, Bear,” the man says, trailing along behind him. Not quite mockingly, but bordering on it. “Getting piss drunk and passing out in a bush? Really? C’mon, man. You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me.”

There’s no sense in responding, Bear knows that now. No sense in even turning around to look. One foot in front of the other. Stumbling home alone under the cloak of night, dawn just around the corner; terrified that one day he’ll have to see it—the sun coming over the mountains, over the horizon. 

It’s been less than a year. He hasn’t yet made his amends with God. Forgiveness sits outside of him. Not quite the right time to let it in. Maybe that time passed a long time ago, a small aperture that shuttered closed at the approach of his eyes. He missed it sometime between killing a boy and losing his mind.

A man cannot hold himself up on the scaffolding of the world alone. There has to be something beneath him. There is no sense in repeating the horrors of the world back to him; he’s already lived them. He’s got something of a Midas touch for death. 

The months have been long since the divorce was finalised, since Lena left for good, since Buckley died, since Rip—since it all went down. If he thinks about it for too long, it seems like a nightmare that he woke up from still mad about; a nightmare he had no choice but to drink himself into a stupor over to escape. That’s the reality of the world. 

“You know, Bear, you’re not the one that’s fuckin’ dead,” Rip spits as he follows behind, matching Bear’s stumbling gait stride for stride. “So you can stop acting like it.”

There’s a truth in Rip’s words and it leaves him feeling nauseous. There’s also a kink in his neck and a headache threatening to split his forehead open. In the belly of him, he has a truth that says that the firmament of heaven is beyond his reach. When he looks up and the sky is void of coruscating light, the meagre stars like an exit with no entry wound, it doesn’t surprise him. Of course there wouldn’t be anything there.

On a good day, his heart feels like it’s weathered a siege. 

“So she left you! It’s time to fuckin’ move on. Go to a bar—I mean, you already are, so step one done—and pick someone up. Go on Christian Mingle or something. You keep living your life like this and you’re going to wind up killing yourself. And then the fuck good that’ll do?”

It takes everything in him to not turn around and do something rash. Only the nausea keeps him from making any sudden movements. Even if he were to turn around and do something, his knees would probably buckle under him. Probably throw up the contents of his stomach. Not much in there either. It rumbles when he thinks that, clenching at the thought of food. Then it twists, the nausea returning. 

One foot in front of the other. The walk home takes twice as long, his whole body aching.

“Heard you almost quit. Wouldn’t be the worst idea you ever had. Let Buddha take over—he’s earned it. Get yourself a nice piece of land in fuckin’…Montana or something. Couple cows, maybe some chicken—you could get a dog, Christ. You look like a guy who’d have a dog. Why don’t you have a dog, actually? You would’ve told me if you didn’t like dogs, so it’s not that.”

His forehead is greasy when he touches it to rub his head. Body secreting poison in his sleep. Oily. The corners of his lips crack when he yawns. It’s not like he’s never thought about a dog, about having something to care for, another living thing in his house. 

But—

(“Bear? …I don’t think we should have a child.”)

What he wants often falls to the wayside, slides off him like a glancing blow. 

Her old, familiar shape appears at the sudden loss of a dream: one where Lena’s gaze lingers on him long enough to burn; but then it is the sun.

Bear watches dawn break. Sunday morning. In a different life, he would’ve squinted into the light of a new day and closed his eyes against it, curling into the slighter body tucked into his chest for another hour of rest. Felt the rise and fall of her chest. Woken up to a hot mouth on his cock or fingers curling in his chest hair, petal lips seeking him out. Church after that, showering off the remnants of their morning, solemn in their pews with their chests still holding the laughter of an hour previous. Light as air, as a feather. 

He won’t go to church today; hasn’t in months. Not with the guilt of missing it the week before trailing after him, each missed week compounding month after month. The cracks in his faith webbing. Splintering out like stepping on the lake when it freezes over in the winter, crunching under his boot until he holds his place. Conscious that it could break under his feet.

“I grew up with a dog,” Bear finally responds, voice hoarse. First thing he’s said since last call at the bar. 

“Yeah. Figures. What kind?”

“Black lab. We called her Daisy.”

It’s another lifetime ago. Still living in his parent’s house, Daisy curled by his dad’s feet, her favourite spot to sleep. Television playing at a low volume, mom at the kitchen table doing her crossword, ink bleeding into the side of her hand. It’s been a long time since Bear buried all of them. He’s buried countless people since. 

“What—can’t get another? One and done? That’s how everything works for you?”

Teeth raze across his skin again. Trust Rip to always cut to the quick. Finally back in his neighbourhood at least, the street empty apart from the cars parked in their driveways or along the sidewalk. Bear’s stomach rumbles something fierce now, entreating him to eat. Worse than hunger is how he’d kill for a glass of water though. Anything to settle his head.

“Haven’t wanted a dog,” Bear grumbles, then clears his throat.

“Yeah, you have,” Rip scoffs. Bear hears him kick a rock, sending it skidding across the asphalt. 

“Fuck off.”

Heart silicified in his chest, composed of fossilised shells and rocks and bones. It feels heavy in his chest. 

He turns down the street leading to his house. 

“Gotta let someone else in, Bear. Girl, dog—whatever. You can’t keep this up forever or it’ll kill you.”

When he turns around at the door, fishing in his pocket for his keys, the sidewalk beyond his house is empty. 

(So a man lies down and rises not again; till the heavens are no more he will not awake or be roused out of his sleep.)

Every Friday like clockwork, Bear stops at the diner down the street for a coffee and a slice of cherry pie before heading to the bar. 

Today is like any other. He leaves the house with only his keys and wallet and walks the long twenty minutes to the diner. Every time he fights the urge to drive, but there has to be something holding him in place. A reason not to throw it all away. 

It’s never completely empty when he shows up, but it’s never full either. His seat at the back of the room is open as usual, like they put up a sign before he comes ambling down the street that says Reserved for Joe Graves and then pluck it away before he opens the door. It’d be nice if that were the case. Nice to have something just for him for a change. The thought comes with its accompanying pang of shame. Desire is a dangerous thing; anything he’s ever wanted has come at him with sharpened teeth, clamping down on his leg and ripping through the flesh. Bear trap for old Bear. 

He slides into the booth and waits for someone to notice him. Never bothers to flag someone down—if it’s ten minutes or even half an hour before he’s served, that’s fine by him. 

“Hiya,” a clear voice says to his right, pulling him away from staring through the blinds out the window. “Can I get you something to drink? Coffee, tea?”

The face Bear turns to meet is pleasant, smiling. Wide and untroubled. It’s not a face he recognizes though, despite months coming to this diner and becoming familiar with the staff. If he had to guess, he’d bet she only started a few days ago, maybe a week at most. She still has the sparkle of someone who hasn’t had the goodness beaten out of them yet. 

“Coffee,” he says, his own smile strained. “And a slice of pie.”

“Sure—we have key lime, blueberry, apple—”

“Cherry,” he interrupts, not letting her build steam. The wick in his chest burns too low for any conversation. The quick flicker of her brow makes the shame in his chest swell again. Forgive me sitting on his lips, unsaid. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I do this. 

She nods and scurries off to the back, skirt swishing with her movements. Bear notices only because his eyes get stuck there, somewhere between the curves of her hips and the roundness of her ass. When he realizes where he’s let his mind wander, he pulls it back, flattening his lips into a hard line. Any sort of indulgence feels wrong, a taking that shouldn’t be taken. He hasn’t even begun to pay penance for all the damage he’s wrought. 

It’s only on her way back that Bear notices the small bump protruding from under her apron. His mouth goes dry. When she reaches him again, he wordlessly accepts the cup of coffee and her reassurance that the pie will be out in just a minute. For a moment, he can hardly meet her gaze, eyes locked on the gentle curve of her belly, caught off guard in a way he hasn’t been in months. 

The first thought with any clarity is, what is she doing working here? A crummy diner on a Friday night. Down the street from an even sleazier pub. His second thought is to look outside at the poorly lit stretch of road and think that this is no place for a pregnant woman to be alone. He recognizes each car in the parking lot save one, likely hers. Drove herself here with the expectation of driving herself home at the end of the night.

If it had been Lena—well, he never would’ve let it be Lena, but if it had been, Bear can’t imagine letting his pregnant wife drive herself home in the middle of the night. Can hardly stomach the thought. 

She’s not Lena though, so he has no right. 

She’s gone before he has time to say anything else, skirt swishing behind her. It catches his eye again. When he tears his gaze away for a second time, he swallows back the metallic taste of self-loathing. It curdles in his mouth. It’s the sign telling him to stop coveting, stop looking out into the world and wondering what he can take. It’s his hamartia, his fatal flaw; thinking himself above the reproach of God. Thinking that he can kill, fuck, curse, and stray farther and farther from the light only to find his way back in the dark. 

The bell above the door rings when someone else comes in and Bear tenses. His shoulders only relax when two older women step in and head to a table. 

He watches as she picks up a plate from the pass-through window and heads back towards him. When she places it in front of him, he draws a deep breath in, trying to catch more than just the aroma of fresh baked cherries. 

“Here we go…one slice of cherry pie, straight out of the oven.”

“Thanks, honey,” Bear rumbles, smile finally meeting his eyes. 

“No trouble. The guys in the back said they make it special for you. Joe, right?”

That gets him to levy her with the full weight of his attention. The thought of her asking about him. “I go by Bear.”

“Oh. Alright, Bear.” She twists the word around in her mouth and seems to find it satisfying. “I think I’ve heard your name before. You were—I mean, you’re part of Pastor Adams’ parish, right?”

He clears his throat, cutting off the triangle point of his pie with the side of his fork. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Me too,” she confides, voice a low whisper. A secret between strangers. She doesn’t glance around though, doesn’t bother to draw out the ruse. “Or, I was, anyway. Haven’t been to service in awhile. I, um…I remember you. From a year or so back. You and your—um…you and your wife used to always sit up at the front.”

The fork scrapes against the plate. “Ex-wife.”

He catches her wince from the corner of his eye. “Oh. Sorry. You just—” She doesn’t have to say it. The slight dip of her eyes tells him all he has to know, and besides, it’s his own fault for still wearing the ring. Even with the paperwork signed and dated, even with Lena in another state now, starting a new life without him, the thought of taking it off makes him break out in a cold sweat. 

“It’s not—” Bear starts before giving up. He curls his fingers into a fist on the table. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine. Not a big deal.”

She fidgets in the silence. Bear can’t bring himself to break it or make the atmosphere less oppressive. He tenses under it, the ache in his low back worsening. These days, he always aches. Nerve damage, a disc on the verge of slipping, an old ankle injury that flares up whenever he goes running. A ghost that follows him from haunt to haunt. The ring on his finger is just another old ache. 

“So, uh—” he clears his throat, nodding to her belly. “Your first?” 

It’s inappropriate, hardly his place to ask. Incredibly intrusive for someone he’s met for the first time, a stranger just trying to do her job and serve him coffee and pie before he goes off to drink himself half to death again at the dive bar down the road. 

Still, he asks. 

Only the faintest wrinkle of her nose betrays any embarrassment. “Oh. Yeah. First one.”

“Congratulations.” It’s sincere. The envy in his gut is old, but it’s a manageable pain. 

“Thanks,” she says, with a small, private smile, hand resting absently under her belly. “I’m excited. I’m only a couple months along, but, uh…it’s been a journey. Just me and baby against the world, you know.”

That stops him in his tracks. Screws up the whole course of his evening because suddenly the sound of the bell over the door jingling doesn’t draw his attention away. It stays fixed on the smiling girl to his right that just opened her mouth and said something unacceptable. 

“Where’s the dad?” he asks, far too bluntly. 

She shrugs. “Somewhere. Didn’t stick around long enough to tell me where. It’s fine though—I’ve got my little peanut. That’s all that matters.”

“You told him and he left?” 

The pie sits cooling in front of Bear as a pit in his stomach opens up. It’s a terrible, empty hole that holds truths like the fallibility of the body and the good shouldering the burdens of the world.  

He only regrets being so direct when her lip quivers, a little motion that betrays her until she wrests control over her face again. “It’s not his fault. I don’t think he was—well…you know, it was a surprise.”

“That’s—” he struggles to find his words, “—that’s not right.”

Again, she shrugs. “That’s life.”

Bear feels his eyes go hard. A coldness settles under his skin. 

In the deep, dark gut of him, only anger lives. He spends his days questioning why God has allowed everything else in his life to fall apart, has allowed countless other people to die, but refuses, for reasons unbeknownst to him, to kill him. He’s given him enough opportunity and enough reason. 

The answer he circles back to time and again is the same. An eye for an eye. Divine wrath. The litany of his sins could be sung until the end of time and there’d still be more to sing. It’s only right that there would be consequences for him. 

The rage that simmers in his blood now is twofold. It begins with the sharp pang of injustice, of witnessing a punishment meted out to someone innocent. The girl standing by the booth he’s shoved himself into, almost too small for a man of his size, cannot be deserving of the same punishment that he’s brought upon himself. She has never killed. The babe in her belly has never killed. The two of them should never have to meet at the point of two paths converging with the likes of someone like Bear and proceed down the same road together. 

Then it sinks into a familiar territory. A place at the core of him where righteousness gives way to envy, as it always does. After what he's been through, the thought of someone having everything that he's always desperately wanted handed to them on a silver platter and then sending it back leaves him feeling a bit off-kilter. Not quite right. 

“Bear?” Her voice breaks the silence. When he blinks, concerned eyes stare down at him, brows furrowed. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he rasps, dragging a hand down his face. Shaking it off. “Sorry, I—got lost in my head. Sorry.” 

“That’s alright,” she says, again gentle in her voice and smile. “Easy place to get lost in, isn’t it?”

He makes a sound in acknowledgment. Drags the silence out. Her mouth twists shy under his scrutiny. 

“Anyway, I have a few other tables to get to, if you don’t mind. Enjoy your pie. I’ll check on you in a bit.”

He eats his slice of pie in silence as she leaves, eyes following her to her next table. Rage still sizzles under his fingertips. It makes his hands shake, old nerve damage and anger problems. 

It’s like a gun punch to think of her all on her own. It’s not right. For someone like him, well, it’s—deserved, earned. Inevitable, even. Every step taking him further away from grace, from its light. No one who knows his story would think otherwise. 

She’s a pretty thing though, this new waitress. Too tired, the bags under her eyes testament to that, no matter how well she hides them with makeup. Slightly puffy anyway, maybe from a lack of sleep or too many tears. His stomach aches at the thought. It must have come as a shock, the bottom of her world dropping out from under her when the baby’s father took off. Dragged away from the church not through her own doing, but the fault of another. Not her shame to bear, and yet. 

He forces the pie down. Bites that taste like nothing, 

Bear hears the lilt of her voice from two tables over. “Refill on your coffee, hun?” 

A supplicant sits in his place as he sips his coffee. The hour slips by into the next and it starts to come together in his mind. Why he's been forced down this long road alone, why God hasn't struck him down yet despite every terrible thing he's done. His eyes follow her flit across the diner, the light seeming to bend around her like a halation. 

When Bear looks across the room at her, he thinks, Lord, do not think I am waiting patiently for your hands. Every part of me trembles with anxiety.

(O Lord, show me I can fall apart together again; but not just yet.)

He stays until the last customer has finally left, waiting for her to come back to his table with an apologetic smile. When she does, Bear hands her his empty plate, watching her take a step back when he scoots out of the booth, rising to his full height. He makes note of the way her eyes round as they follow him up. Taller than her, unsurprisingly. Surprising though, the way her bottom lip droops just the slightest bit. 

“Is it just you closing up?” he asks, voice a tad too gruff. He clears his throat again, looking around for anyone else. 

“Well, the chef’s cleaning up in the back, but, uh—” she looks around the diner, conspicuously empty apart from the two of them. “Yeah. Just me.”

Bear gestures with his chin towards the door. “I’ll wait ‘till you’re done, then walk you to your car.”

“Oh, Joe—”

“Bear,” he corrects.

“Bear,” she amends, fingers twisting together now. He relishes the sound of it on her lips. “You don’t have to. I’m used to it, honestly. I know I just started here, but I’ve done closes before, you know.”

“I’ll wait outside.” A statement now. Stubborn. He’s always been a bit mulish, hard to shake off. 

He can tell the second she relents, shoulders slumping. “Alright. I shouldn’t be too long…you can leave if you get bored though. Won’t blame you.” 

He fights the urge to tilt her head up by the chin to make her meet his eyes. Just barely restrains himself. 

Leaning against a tree out front, he twirls the ring around his finger as he watches her clean up. For the first time in a long time, he slips it off.

shitpost art study with Ghosty

MY BABY RILEYYYY

I have no excuse

And what if I give Soap a younger sister that joins the SAS a year or two after Soap does because their home life wasn't great? And what if she worked hard like him, busted her ass like him, to be put in his unit so they could be together because he was the only comfort she had? And what if she got to his unit the day he died, not even having a chance to see him after a year because their leaves never lined up? And what if the last memory of her brother she has his his body being carried with blood dried to his head as Ghost brings him to where he needs to put the body? And when Price has to call her to see the body that's the first time 141 got to meet Soap's sister? The sister he bragged about all the time? The sister who was almost a mini him, with a similar interest in demolition and explosives? And what if Price pushes her up a rank so she's a Sgt?

Price using Soap's sister as his replacement, holding her to a standard that's basically impossible for someone who has been a sergant less than a month. Making her self esteem lower and lower until Laswell has to step in and make Price see that Soap's sister isn't him. That Soap may live on in his sister in a sense, but that doesn't mean she is him.

I just love Soap's sister being very similar to him and being emotionally destroyed by 141. Idk why I live for it

Crying screaming throwing up

THEY MAKE ME FEEL INSANE ACTUALLY

No because the way Alex sees Bear tearing up (do you think he heard the tiny whimper when the hallucination(?) of Rip touched his cheek?) and asks if he's okay without tip toeing around the fact that something's wrong.

The way Alex glances back after double checking, like he's making sure Bear won't break down then and there. The way he looks hesitant to go back and ask over and over until he gets a real answer, but he knows that Bear will push and deny the same way he does.

The way Bear has stopped himself from crying several times in the show, shaking it off like he'll ruin his image if anyone sees. As if someone will think he's weak (God knows Lena would, every dismissal of his feelings made that idea much stronger)