Wayne Does Things That Would Send Shallan Into Doom Spirals. He Method Acts For Fun And Shallan Would

Pattern’s frustration with language being arbitrary and stupid is so real

Biggest problem with this liveblog is that I get random, unprotected spoilers for shit that happens later in the series. Like seriously guys what the fuck please don’t just…. Ugh whatever.

Ahhhh, Nightblood, it’s been a bit since I’ve read Warbreaker. I’ve missed you, buddy. The absolute lunatic that you are.

does anyone wanna hold hands until we feel a little braver

God fucking dammit. I hate being right so damn much what the fuck.

Mmmm…. Elhokar death flags. He’s too likable. I think I’m starting to see the patterns and I don’t know if this is good or not.

Words of Radiance Spoilers

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FUCK WAIT ESHONAI DIES????

NO THAT’S NOT. WHAT NO STOP SHE COULD BE FIXED. NOOO!!!!!!

You know, the Liberal Woke mob is going *too* far. They’re actually changing the history books!!! Yeah. That’s right.

You know Beowulf? Now *her* name is Beowolfcut. That’s right, they made the strongest king into a butch queen.

But they didn’t stop there. Gilgamesh is now *Girl*gamesh! And Enkidu? They’re now Enkidu!!!

And you know King Arthur? They’re now *Non-Binary Conforming Monarch* Arthur. And instead of pulling a sword from a stone, they pulled an pumpkin spice latte from the abortion clinic!?!

But it gets worse. They’re coming after America *itself.* Amerigo Vespucci is now Americunt Vespcoochie!!!! And… you guessed it, they’re going to rename the continents in *her* honor!!

This may seem unreal… but this is the future… or well, *past* that awaits you…

So… I may or may not have written an entire Conlang based on a single joke in Minecraft Parkour Civilization 2. That would be ridiculous. Aha. Hahahaha. Ha.

*cough*

A Quick Guide to Writing in Parkour

Flourish List.

You add these in front of blocks to change their meaning. There’s a key at the bottom containing the Parkour alphabet which demonstrates how the space, 180°, 360°, and 720° Flourishes are used to refer to specific English-Letter analogs.

_ = Space

C = 180° Flourish = 5 spaces

O = 360° Flourish = 10 spaces

8 = 720° Flourish = 20 spaces

? = Reverse = Reverses input

^ = Vertical Jump = Raises Intensity

v = Drop = Lowers Intensity

Block List.

These are the building blocks (lmfao) of the language and are what would be counted as an “input” or “letter”. Also included are short legends under each block describing what each flourish does to each block!

(Note! _,C,O, and 8 cannot be applied to any block other than [ ] and H)

[ ] = Block = Grammatical Value

(?[ ] = Capitalized)

(^[ ] = Impassioned)

(v[ ] = Depressed)

H = Fence = Numerical Value

(?H = Negative)

(^H = Exponential)

(vH = Square Root)

u = Pot = Period

(?u = Comma)

(^u = Hyphen/Equality)

(vu = Parentheses)

I = Pane = Question

(?I = Exclamation)

(^I = Command)

(vI = Sarcasm)

% = Brewing Stand = Addition

(?% = Subtraction)

(^% = Multiplication)

(v% = Division)

Alphabet

a = [ ]

b = _[ ]

c = __[ ]

ch = ___[ ]

d = ____[ ]

e = C[ ]

f = _C[ ]

g = __C[ ]

h = ___C[ ]

i = ____C[ ]

j = O[ ]

l = _O[ ]

m = __O[ ]

n = ___O[ ]

o = ____O[ ]

p = OC[ ]

r = _OC[ ]

s = __OC[ ]

sh = ___OC[ ]

t = ____OC[ ]

th = 8[ ]

u = _8[ ]

v = __8[ ]

w = ___8[ ]

y = ____8[ ]

Numbers

0 = H

1 = _H

2 = __H

3 = ___H

4 = ____H

5 = CH

6 = _CH

7 = __CH

8 = ___CH

9 = ____CH

Now that you have all the tools, let’s put it all together~!

————————————

?8[ ]____C[ ]__OC[ ] ____C[ ]__OC[ ] OC[ ][ ]_OC[ ]__[ ]____O[ ]_8[ ]_OC[ ]?I

____CHH% _HH ^u _HHH

?C[ ][ ]____OC[ ] 8[ ]C[ ] _OC[ ]____C[ ]___[ ]^I

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Big thanks to my friend PrismaticKoi for giving me the idea and helping me figure this all out! Working with her made this process super fun!!!

Enjoy Parkour-!!! I’ll be coding an English<—>Parkour translator at some point, so stick around to find that!!

All of you need to go watch Minecraft Parkour Civilization though. It’s seriously fantastic.

Being shot gives you an exhibitionism kink I guess. Can’t say it’s wrong as I’ve never shrugged off being shot in the face. With an arrow. Through the brain. In the face.

SHALLAN WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WITH YOU THAT’S NOT HOW YOU RESPOND TI BEING SHOT IN THE FACE WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THR FUCK

we love Luce