My Poor Friend Ichabod
My Poor Friend Ichabod
The party was excellent. I was so, so charmed by all that I saw that day. The guests - each and every one - was as dashing as any other in great Virginia... Save poor Ichabod. He arrived to the event looking like a man haunted. The poor sod had the manner of a mule who'd been working the mill for days without rest, but I *knew* he got the rest of any other man, and hardly lifted an arm to help the young men around town with physical labor. But still, a man didn't look that way with no reason. In those days, I'd considered him a friend. Our repour was a charming one. We played with each other in those days like young men do, pranks and soft jabs. He was perhaps my most favored man in the whole town. It was on that assumption that I approached him, teeth gleaming to perhaps shine some light on his dark demeanor.
He was always a grim man, so I thought to perhaps cheer him up with a tall tale. Some of the worker boys told me about some ghost or other earlier that day, so I related the story to him. He kept glancing around the party as I spoke, then suddenly, he began to walk off. It was with shock that I took his curt dismissal of my kindness. He stormed by with little more than a word, marching through the hall directly towards my Katrina. I wasn't so dense as to not know he held affection for my lady, but... Well I thought he'd known we'd been engaged since before he arrived in town. Perhaps I should have told him.
He proposed. She declined. He ran. The night was dark, but worse, I knew the weather was growing harsh. I couldn't allow him to simply ride through the woods of rural Virginia in the height of wolf season with a storm brewing, so I quickly got to my own steed and followed him. We raced through town like shades of the night, he was shouting curses and his manner was frantic. The poor man was delirious and so stricken with grief over his lost love.
Then we approached the great bridge. The rain began to fall and his horse galloped unto the paving stones. This I remember clearly: A shine of orange in the midst of the bridge. There was a pumpkin, obviously fallen from a nearby cart, in the middle of the highpoint of the stone arch. When Ichabod's equine steed's foot crunched into the plump vegetable, the crack sounded much like that of lightning. It reared to it's feet and it's rider - my dearest friend Ichabod - was flung from it's back! I could hardly believe my eyes. The horror of it all was so stunning. He flew through the rain, illuminated by the slivers of the moonlight, in suspended motion. I believe for an instant we saw each other's faces. He was so scared, terrified.
I could do little but scream as he sunk into the river, goaded by storm waters, and was swept away. For the remainer of that night and into the next week, I rode down that dreadful river... But I could never find my poor friend Ichabod.
More Posts from Shoccoe and Others
No seriously Shallan chill the fuck out what the fuck. You’re becoming self-indulgently self-hating, gah, Shallan
P…. Pattern… I don’t think I can handle this. What the fuck.
Shallan and Kaladin’s sass levels are so PERFECTLY aligned. This battle of wits is absolutely absurdly even. I adore them.
Had some people commenting that it’s not a true Conlang-!!! And you’re like so right lmao. It’s closer to a translation cipher akin to Brainfuck.
This is for one very very simple reason: usability. This was made with the primary intention of being a fun, cool thing for the community to use and interact with. Basing the language on English as opposed to making a wholly unique language lowers the barrier for usability immensely. Which is like! The goal!!
So… I may or may not have written an entire Conlang based on a single joke in Minecraft Parkour Civilization 2. That would be ridiculous. Aha. Hahahaha. Ha.
*cough*
A Quick Guide to Writing in Parkour
Flourish List.
You add these in front of blocks to change their meaning. There’s a key at the bottom containing the Parkour alphabet which demonstrates how the space, 180°, 360°, and 720° Flourishes are used to refer to specific English-Letter analogs.
_ = Space
C = 180° Flourish = 5 spaces
O = 360° Flourish = 10 spaces
8 = 720° Flourish = 20 spaces
? = Reverse = Reverses input
^ = Vertical Jump = Raises Intensity
v = Drop = Lowers Intensity
Block List.
These are the building blocks (lmfao) of the language and are what would be counted as an “input” or “letter”. Also included are short legends under each block describing what each flourish does to each block!
(Note! _,C,O, and 8 cannot be applied to any block other than [ ] and H)
[ ] = Block = Grammatical Value
(?[ ] = Capitalized)
(^[ ] = Impassioned)
(v[ ] = Depressed)
H = Fence = Numerical Value
(?H = Negative)
(^H = Exponential)
(vH = Square Root)
u = Pot = Period
(?u = Comma)
(^u = Hyphen/Equality)
(vu = Parentheses)
I = Pane = Question
(?I = Exclamation)
(^I = Command)
(vI = Sarcasm)
% = Brewing Stand = Addition
(?% = Subtraction)
(^% = Multiplication)
(v% = Division)
Alphabet
a = [ ]
b = _[ ]
c = __[ ]
ch = ___[ ]
d = ____[ ]
e = C[ ]
f = _C[ ]
g = __C[ ]
h = ___C[ ]
i = ____C[ ]
j = O[ ]
l = _O[ ]
m = __O[ ]
n = ___O[ ]
o = ____O[ ]
p = OC[ ]
r = _OC[ ]
s = __OC[ ]
sh = ___OC[ ]
t = ____OC[ ]
th = 8[ ]
u = _8[ ]
v = __8[ ]
w = __8[ ]
x = ___8[ ]
y = ____8[ ]
Numbers
0 = H
1 = _H
2 = __H
3 = ___H
4 = ____H
5 = CH
6 = _CH
7 = __CH
8 = ___CH
9 = ____CH
Now that you have all the tools, let’s put it all together~!
————————————
?8[ ]____C[ ]__OC[ ] ____C[ ]__OC[ ] OC[ ][ ]_OC[ ]__[ ]____O[ ]_8[ ]_OC[ ]?%
____C## + _## ^u _###
?C[ ][ ]____OC[ ] 8[ ]C[ ] _OC[ ]___C[ ]___[ ]^I
————————————
Big thanks to my friend PrismaticKoi for giving me the idea and helping me figure this all out! Working with her made this process super fun!!!
Enjoy Parkour-!!! I’ll be coding an English<—>Parkour translator at some point, so stick around to find that!!
All of you need to go watch Minecraft Parkour Civilization though. It’s seriously fantastic.
What I’ve Been Reading Lately: Cradle
Fundamentally, every work of art, every story, is an attempt at communication. The author chooses to ask us a question, and we find the answer in the dialogue between the author and ourselves.
Cradle is a series that asks the question “If one dude did magic kung-fu to another dude so hard he exploded, would that be sick or what?”
And we, the readers, answer “Absolutely the FUCK yes.”
Cradle is a world where everybody has the capacity to practice the Sacred Arts, which are primarily the discipline of using mystical energy to be as bullshit awesome as possible. You aren’t allowed to be a major character in this series until you have committed at least one (1) act that would look sweet as hell if it was airbrushed onto the side of a stoner’s van.
At one point we meet a member of a king’s landscaping staff. Her job is to mow the lawn, trim the hedges, and keep those damn slugs out of the vegetable garden. She can also command trees to rip you apart and devour your life force for herself, because fuck you, it’s Cradle. People just do that here.
The main character is a young man by the name of Wei Shi Lindon, who has a natural deficiency that makes him extremely weak in the Sacred Arts, and is therefore banned from studying them. He responds “respectfully, no” and proceeds to spend the following ten books learning Sacred Arts and punching everything.
It’s a little rough around the edges, but I had fun reading it and the author clearly had fun writing it, so I think it succeeds as a series. Would absolutely recommend if you just want to have a good time reading something.
(Naturally, I got deeply attached to the biggest bastard in the main cast, because he’s hilarious. This man is a bitch and I like him so much.)
As a delightful bonus, unlike most action series, the treatment of the female characters is genuinely excellent. The author is not here for fanservice, he is here for FIGHTSERVICE, which is when EVERYONE FIGHTS SO HARD THE LAWS OF PHYSICS GIVE UP. We’re ten books in to a twelve book series and I have yet to see a single woman’s boobs described on-page.
In Cradle, when a teenage girl is worried about her body changing, what she means is that she’s unsatisfied with the amount of swords she can use at one time, so she’s going to grow six extra arms to hold six extra swords. Surprise! THE NEW ARMS ARE ALSO SWORDS, because the time spent picking up a sword to fight with it is time you didn’t spend swordfighting, and that is unacceptable to her. Now she and her eight swords are going to suplex a dragon, because on Cradle we know no gender politics, only THE BLADE.
Also, there’s a turtle.
Reblogging so I can find it later
Senpai says you’re welcome
Teft… he is so… I… what a tragic, beautiful man…
The Fuck???
You know, the Liberal Woke mob is going *too* far. They’re actually changing the history books!!! Yeah. That’s right.
You know Beowulf? Now *her* name is Beowolfcut. That’s right, they made the strongest king into a butch queen.
But they didn’t stop there. Gilgamesh is now *Girl*gamesh! And Enkidu? They’re now Enkidu!!!
And you know King Arthur? They’re now *Non-Binary Conforming Monarch* Arthur. And instead of pulling a sword from a stone, they pulled an pumpkin spice latte from the abortion clinic!?!
But it gets worse. They’re coming after America *itself.* Amerigo Vespucci is now Americunt Vespcoochie!!!! And… you guessed it, they’re going to rename the continents in *her* honor!!
This may seem unreal… but this is the future… or well, *past* that awaits you…
I hope this absolute lunatic woman who showed up with a 20 page contract about the terms of a prospective engagement with strict regulations about how much public lovey-dovey time they spend together becomes a main character. Please Sazed, I’m begging you. Work whatever powers those funny mists gave you to let her stick around. She’s insane and I need more.
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