How To Stop Racist Evildoers: SHOW UP AND OUTNUMBER THEM. It Stopped The Klan In 1958.

Tw: unhinged break down and vent with mentions of suicide

I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. There was a situation with a friend which was a bit difficult. I felt like I wanted to help, but I was unable to. Now onto a different topic: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It is strange that that that that's djjkcodbns ytsbat I cannot CANNOT I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS! My mind is a mess, everything is unclear…I just want to prove to myself that I am wanted here in this world, but I do not know if I really am wanted. Even if I am NO NO NO, I won't say that! I am freaking out, I heard voices in my head a few weeks ago and I had to take new meds. It was terrifying and annoying, there was screaming and squealing as well and it felt like my mind was streaming like a waterfall. I am on sick leave until May, so don't expect to see me in school. Yk what, I will be honest. Every Time I have one of these squishes (which are the desire for queer platonic relationships). I have felt this for around 5 people so far and all of them were extremely far and unavailable. One was an online friend who ended up telling me to kms for defending furries, another was someone in our school who was probably the worst person imaginable to have a squish on, another was an online friend who literally admitted to being a sociopath and I still continued being close with the person, then there was someone else who prefers solitude and only sees all friendships as temporary, and then finally it is the person I have this squish on now, who does not really care about anyone beyond the usual friendships. All this combined could point towards me never being able to find someone, which means that I simply am not wanted. The logical conclusion of something not being wanted is for it to be thrown away. Being thrown away means basically dying…wait, it is dying, I should kill myself. But wait, people care about me even if it is not in that way. This is good, this means that I am still wanted in some way, so I should not kill myself. The voices are wrong, the Goddess communicating with me telepathically called Luna is wrong. Wait a minute, can't I want myself? That way someone always wants me, which increases my chance of survival. In practice this would mean that I am in a relationship with myself. Since I am a person with so many different personalities, it is almost as if I am multiple different people. It is logical, really, no one wanted the cake, so that leaves all the cake for me, no one wanted to work with me in the group project so I worked by myself, no one picked me for their team so I picked myself for my own team. Yes, that's it! The solution to all my problems. This was what the poem meant, the poem of me reaching the end of the tunnel and seeing light, maybe I am my own light. But then I would be autoplatonic meaning that I can have a platonic relationship with myself. I will try this out. No, I already did and it did not work…back to suicide? Idk, I do not want to be in that stinky ward again. Does that mean that I’d better succeed in killing myself? Idk…let's try to live for now so there is a 0% chance of me ending up in that ward.

So I guess that I got rejected by my obsession, looks like I will have to keep looking for a yandere to obsess over.

Take care of yourselves everyone 💚🏳️‍🌈

Once, there was a group of humans born, from birth they were bitten by a thorn. They bore the cross, the cross of their demise, of their death they fantasize. The village gathered to witness the journey into the clouds, the entropy came in mounds. Shackled by all, but shackled by naught, they wanted to bleed and they made it so, it's as if they were made to go

It feels intense when you are obsessed with someone beyond belief, yet they do not know and they act normal around you. It feels like you are hiding a water dam behind your back. At some point I might tell the person about it, but they will likely not feel the same. Like even if they are a yandere too, it is clear that they like someone else.

Tw: vent, a bit of violence, gender dysphoria, and depression.

I am starting to lose hope. I do not think that anyone will ever love me as much as I love them. Depression makes it really hard to express my feelings. Everyone I care for will eventually find someone else they love more. I know that it will always happen. It is always gonna go wrong. I fear nothing more than failure and my life is just a big compilation of me failing everything. I cannot let go though, which is the scary part. It is almost as if you chop your legs off because they were walking into the school cafeteria on their own. The cafeteria full of eyes that see you (I must never go there). Then your body starts rolling on its own into the place, which sets you up for your ultimate demise. It is moments like this that I crave the nothingness, I crave to no longer exist, and I crave a release from my pain. I hate myself and I hate that I was born to look like a freak. I want to die, but I can't...The only thing left to do is to continue my obsession, it is too late to abandon it now, because she has overtaken my mind. The worst part of all this is that I am never gonna pass as a female because of my stupid body that I want to rip into pieces with surgeries. I am gonna change everything about myself until there is nothing left of me. I am just a big pile of waste, which is infested with trauma, ugliness, gender dysphoria, depression, anxiety, failure, the inability to do anything right, and a universe full of pain to show for everything I have gone through. Idk whether to give up or not...

I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. I have not done one of these in a while. I feel hopeful because the day that I will take hormones is coming closer and closer. Soon I will alleviate my dysphoria and live as who I truly am. I am on sick leave now due to all the issues I mentioned. I do not know what to say - I just need to alleviate the dysphoria sooner.  I know that it will not solve everything. I feel lonely because I am not able to connect with people on a deep level and I have terrible social skills. Heck, my social skills are so terrible that writing these journals and sharing them with people from my school does not feel embarrassing in the slightest. The only things I cannot say are illegal stuff. An example of something that is illegal is murder. Obviously I am not gonna write in the journal that I murdered someone if I really did do it. No, but I have not done it. Anyways, I still cannot get my mind off of something which I mentioned earlier. That mysterious thing which drives me forward. The mysterious thing is further away than ever before, but oh so close. I think that it is best to leave everything behind and return into my shell where no one can see, hear, or hurt me. I am safe in my house, right? Ofc I am, why would I not be? It is only when I step outside that those sc(k)ary people look at me and laugh, then they say something to their friends and both of them look behind themselves and laugh. They all laugh at me, I am just a joke to them. The only thing left to do is to run away forever and never return. I know, maybe in the future I can upload my mind into a computer and play Minecraft all day. Minecraft is a game where no one bothers you and if they bother you, THEN YOU FUCKING KILL THEM. Minecraft is a game where I am safe and where there are no rules to put me in danger. Minecraft is a place where nostalgia rules. No, no no no! The milk is not in the bag, IT IS NOT IN THE BAG, SHUT UP! The milk is my soul and the bag is my computer - a world waiting to be explored and a world where no one judges you. I am addicted to gaming, I am addicted to the internet, I am nihilistic, I am depressed, blah blah blah; you get it. I WANT MY ESTROGEN, GIVE ME HORMONES! Anyways, I am getting off-topic. I am basically screwed, the end.

you heard them