NEED!

ok maybe there are still some funny people on twitter

touching grass isn't enough some of y'all need to drive out to the countryside and look at the stars

ppl who celebrate fictional character birthdays are annoying pass it on

The Lincoln County, MO Drug Task Force arrested a pirate.

When arrested he begged to walk the plank, he decorated a pontoon to sell drugs from. Which he required customers to say, “Ahoy matey, I come to purchase ye party favors.”

His nickname was Red Beard.

my kitchen

hey. don't cry. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. okay?

dudes are rocking at unprecedented levels

i allow myself one suicide joke a month because a well-placed “i’m going to kill myself” can be REALLY funny but like for real yall, if you’re suicidal or depressed in any capacity, or even if you aren’t, if you make suicide jokes constantly your brain will internalize it and you will actually want to kill yourself. which you don’t want to do. and if you stop making suicide jokes then you will feel better. same with any kind of self deprecation— stop doing it and you will start to feel better. i’ve been suicidal at several points in my life and i can guarantee you from personal experience that it fucking works. stop making kms jokes every day and your life will improve. and other people get uncomfortable when you make kms jokes constantly. be nicer to yourself

O mighty highness please bless me with your own creativity and talent 🙏