Oh Dudes, KISS ALREADY!!!!!!

hello, grey.

i just had a question of sorts???

its just well, do you ever feel left out?? or like you are missing out on stuff?? how do you cope with it??

wish you a good day.

hi sweet anon. first of all, hearts to you--if you are currently feeling this way, its never fun ❤ uhm, idk what i have in me regarding advice but...ill do my best?

short answer-- yes. Fomo is a real thing, feeling left out and excluded is real. i think i am older and therefore...i tend not to feel this way much anymore (last time i did was probably when my nephew was born and i wasnt physically in the room delivering the baby and the waiting room just didnt cut it).

But a much younger grey DEFinitely felt this way. Not being asked to dances, not being able to attend certain things because i prioritized studying and learning.

How I cope?

At the end of the day...Im my favorite person to spend time with. I love my own company and if someone else doesnt want to share my company with me...thats their loss!

I make art, I make my own party, I make my own event for just me (or call up my friends and do it with them). Its okay to sit in your feelings, and feel hurt and take care of that--and you can nuture yourself through a butt ton of self love. What do you LOVE? What do you NEED? To support yourself through the feels?

When i feel like im "missing out" (ex: like a social gathering because i stayed home or wasnt invited and i just see the photos on social media or something), I make sure that whatever Im doing is STILL important to me. If it is-then alright.

If its not....do something that IS. (or ya know...just show up anyway. Nothing matters)

it's the levels of scrutiny too.

a movie that has a largely-female cast has to be well-written, well-shot, well-acted, well-advertised. people will spend 2 hours on youtube talking about a single plot hole; about a moment of bad pacing, about a singular background character's poor scripting. if there isn't something obvious, they will say - well there's nothing specifically bad, but it wasn't specifically good either.

they will turn out another all-male movie, and it's just a movie.

a book that has queer representation in it has to defy every convention of writing while also being true to traditional plot, structure, format, and pacing. it must have no boring chapters, no missteps, no awkward dialogue. it must be able to "prove" that any queer relationship "makes sense", their sparks must fly off the page and their love must be eternal. the writing must be clear and beautiful, the storyline original and fresh, the values traditional but with an undercurrent that is modern and saucy.

they will turn out another book without queer rep, where a man and woman just-fall-in-love, and it's just a book.

i am latinx. i am queer. i am nb & neurodivergent. my father said to me once: you will need to be exceptional to be just-as-good, and you will need to be beyond exceptional before they see you as just-a-person, and not your labels.

i am not beyond exceptional. i am a human person. i am skilled because i worked my ass off to be skilled.

i am currently reading a book that's so-bad-it's-good about a girl that falls in love with a vampire. i was 64% of the way through the book before she figures out tall-dark-fanged is not natural. i like books like these, i like letting myself relax while i just enjoy the read. but i do spend a lot of time wondering - would this have been published if it was about queer people? would this have gotten past the editors if the characters weren't white and sexy?

i want to write a movie about being a woman in a male space, and i want to start that movie with a 10 minute scene where the woman is lectured with the exact same whining that occurs in the youtube comments of even the trailers for those movies: "haven't we had enough diversity?" "we've had enough girl power movies" "sorry, this is just pandering. it's boring."

here's what's fucked up: it shouldn't matter, you're right. my identity shouldn't fold after my name like a battalion of stars: a cry of what i've gone through. what we all know i had to move past and through. i should just be a writer, plain and simple, without my work being shifted through with tweezers - i know everything i make, always, i am incredibly responsible for. beholden to. i don't like knowing that if i fuck up, i am also fucking up for every person like me. every person in a community i belong to.

once, back in undergrad, i wrote a short story about a girl who had been kicked by a horse. it was my first time writing about my experience with my ocd; i felt proud of it. the story was mostly about grief and slow recovery. the queerness of the main character was not important to the plot, my main character was just-queer. there wasn't even a romantic interest in it.

i remember one of my classmates being disappointed. "i just feel like you always write about girls who like girls, and i'm bored of it," he said. "you're a beautiful writer, but i'm like - oh, at some point, it's gonna be gay again." during the workshop, he folded his hands over my story and said, "and okay, i'm just going to say it. she's ocd, she's gay, she's depressed - it's a little much for me to believe is all happening to one person."

it is a little much to be that person (and more besides). i have therapy weekly, after all.

over and over, belonging to exception.

Hey, first of all I’d like to thank you for all the lovely words and condolences. I’m feeling quite okay right now. I am still sad of course, but my thoughts are with my friend’s husband and sister, who suffer most.

I can’t believe it myself, but I actually finished my newest Sirius painting in August! (very last day, but still 😅 Grumpy SIrius in Grimmauld place 🤭 It has been a long time since I painted a more detailed background. It was a great experience, but very exhausting. I also made some bad perspective mistakes. Please ignore them 😅 I really put much effort into it, but in the end I still messed it up.

this LITERALLY made my day!!!!

Lgtq+ stories in Hinduism which we need to talk about -

Relation of Mitra and Varuna along with traces of surrogacy .

Literal couple goals and my top hindu gay otp

{Art by : @thesunisamango }

Ancient Brahmana texts associate Mitra and Varuna with the two lunar phases and same-sex relations:

(Shatapatha Brahmana 2.4.4.19)

“Mitra and Varuna are the two half-moons: the waxing one is Varuna and the waning one is Mitra. During the new-moon night these two meet and when they are thus together, everyone is pleased."

Along with this Bhagavata Purana (6.18.3) lists Varuna and Mitra as having children through non-vaginal sex. The great sage Agastya and Vasistha were born from water pots after Mitra and Varuna discharged their semen in the presence of Urvasi. This account is similar to Gay couples having children through surrogate mothers in modern days.

Mothers of bhagirath

Somebody better make a fking movie on them or I'll riot

Bhagirath is a prominent figure amongst Hindus. He brought the Ganga down to the earth from heaven which three generations of his ancestory tried but could not succeed. Ganga is also named as Bhagirathi in the honour of him. King Dilip of Ayodhya had two wives, Chandra and Mala but no children. He died childless. Then the sun lineage of kings would not have their heir and after few generations lord Vishnu had to incarnate in this royal family as lord Ram. After his death, his wives got worried because there was no heir to the royal lineage. They went to the family rishi Vashistha and request them to help them continue the family line. Vashistha gave them blessings that a son would be born to them. He then performed Putreshthi sacrifice which is perfomed to get blessed with a son . He then prepared a potion as the prasad of the ritual. He then gave this potion to Mala to drink and advised Chandra to approach Mala and have sexual intercourse with her with the bhava of a man. Hence bhagirath was from the union of two vulvas (bhaga)and named so.

Soma and Agni

My favourite celestial body and element are a couple....let that sink in

There are several instances of homosexual or bisexual activity not always for deriving sexual pleasure. Agni, the god of fire is married both to the goddess Svaha and the male Moon god Soma with Agni having a receptive role in this relationship. Interestingly, another aspect of this story as advocated by ancient rishis was that there were two elements, fire (agni for sun) and water (soma for moon), determining the gender of a child.

Gender fluidity of Shiva and Vishnu

Honestly I'll probably die by screaming this into the ears of homophobes

Both lord Shiva and Vishnu are major gods in Hinduism and one of their prominent avatars has included change of gender or fluidity in gender. Vishnu's female Avatar Mohini first appears during the episode of amrit manthan where she tricks the asuras into giving the amrit to the gods. She also charms bhasmasura and leads him to his doom. In his Mohini avatara he marries aravan the son of arjuna (god of transgender community) . Some legends of South also suggest that union of Mohini and Shiva resulted in the birth of lord Ayyappa.

The characteristics of Shiva have either been extreme masculine or extreme feminine . You will find many legends which tell the tale of times when shiva would change his gender in order to entertain and play with his wife Parvati. Also known as Natraja Shiva is depicted as the perfect balance between masculine and feminine energy.

Budh and ila

The way Budh accepted him/her even after knowing truth literally screams that gender is not a limitation when love is true

Ila the king of Bahlika while hunting in a forest accidentally trespassed Sharavana ("Forest of Reeds"), the sacred grove of the goddess Parvati. Upon entering Sharavana, all-male beings except for Shiva, including trees and animals, are transformed into female when Ila approached Shiva for help, Shiva laughed with scorn but the compassionate Parvati reduced the curse and allowed Ila to switch genders every month. However, as a male, he would not remember his life as a female and vice versa. While Ilā roamed the forest in her new form with her female attendants, Budha, the god of the planet Mercury and the son of the moon-god Chandra, noticed her. Although he had been practising asceticism, Ila's beauty caused him to fall in love with her at first sight. Ilā married Budha and spent an entire month with him and consummated the marriage. However, Ilā woke one morning as Sudyumna and remembered nothing about the past month. Budha told Ila that his retinue had been killed in a rain of stones and convinced Ila to stay with him for a year. During each month she spent as a woman, Ilā had a good time with Budha. During each month as a man, Ila turned to pious ways and performed austerities under the guidance of Budha. In the ninth month, Ilā gave birth to Pururavas, who grew to become the first king of the Lunar dynasty. Then, as per the advice of Budha and Ila's father Kardama, Ila pleased Shiva with a horse sacrifice and Shiva restored Ila's masculinity permanently. Despite his once again gained manhood budha and ila continued to be in love and though not as a husband and wife but as lovers stayed together.

Op's note to keep in mind=

Hinduism is not a religion which has highlighted sexuality or love relationships in details. Mention of relationships (Regardless of sexuality) has only been in detail if it played a major role in progressing the plot. Regardless of this fact we haven't shied away from acknowledging the presence of community and their existence. You may find it difficult to find this stories in real life as during the colonial period the British as well as some of our national leaders (Gandhi, Nehru) tried to erase them to fit in with the idea of modernization (as defined by the west).We literally had books like kamasutra and original Vedas where same sex couple and trans people were talked about normally but thanks to Colonialism many bastards in power altered them. I request everyone to reblog this and just fking rip apart the idea that LGBTQ community has never been a part of Hinduism or indian culture.

Here’s a video so you can hear the water and the thrushes. I took it for you because you couldn’t be there. <3

Ok everyone but imagine Todd and Neil do have to separate for college and for some reason have no other way to communicate with each other aside from ✨letters✨

Neil constantly writing letters to Todd between classes or filling his notebooks with doodles and thinks he wants to send and say, puts tiny cute little stickers in with the letters, is blunt but gushing and just a total sap and hates how long it takes to get a letter from Todd. He has a SPECIAL PEN for letters for Todd and ONLY letters for TODD and Todd ONLY. No one touch his pen for Todd he WILL yell at you and his insults are painfully accurate, creative and one might even say…. Shakespearean.

Todd on the other hand would always be overthinking what to say. After classes he would just sit there for hours into the night thinking, scrawling then crumpling up and throwing away. The poor kid could probably deforest the entire continent of North America with how many times he crumpled up drafts. Puts in pressed flowers with the letters, struggles with words and expressing things when not in poetry form but he’s trying his best.

Years later, when they’re old and grey and going through their things to find out what to keep and what to give away (as old people often do) they stumble across a pair of wooden boxes, each with each other’s names on them somewhere. They open them and unearth their letters from college, the paper beginning to yellow with age and antiquity, the ink having turned from black to brown and beginning to bleed around the edges. The look at each other, smile, and laugh.

“After all these years you still kept all of my horrendous excuses for love letters..?” Todd asks.

“They weren’t horrendous! Plus.. eh, I’ve always resorted to reading them when I’m down or needing some extra encouragement.” Neil answers, with a shrug, voice sounding similar to a winter fire as the snow drifts down outside, warm yet crackling every so often with age. “Plus, you kept mine too so you’re one to talk.”

14, 24, and 25 for the ask game—happy new year !!🥳

hi! thank you for the ask and happy new year!

14) a fic you didn't expect to write: just answered here :)

24) favorite fic you read this year

i swapped my writing out for a reading a little bit more this year and here are a few of my favs:

at a suprise to absolutely no one at all the shape and sound of god (by @ dykefever on tumblr and dykesiriusblack on AO3 who i will not be tagging because they for sure are sick of my shit)

fearless liabilities by @femme--de--lettres -- this one was so fun to read. it took me longer than i would have liked to finish it, but every time i picked up where i left off it was pure joy. summer romance, summer fun, summer camp.

for your pleasure by aerid0nis/ @ steelycunt on tumblr (also not tagging because...yep)-- I've slowly been making my way through ridi's back catalogue, and this sweet lil fic is so great. my messy messy boys and first kisses.

moonlight sonata by @pancakehouse/ grumposaur on AO3. happy miscommunication Christmas fic to everyone!!!

i also read a great couple of fics for the Big Bang-Arang and I'm so excited they will be shared with y'all so soon <3

25) a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

*points to number 24* also if you've been following me for long enough, you uh...probably know my reading preferences.

end of year asks!

*plays in the background

(murder husbands inspired the desire to write the proposal out. sirius to remus. ((remus to sirius isn't quite this casual)))

Warm summer sunlight was barely poking through their bedroom curtains when Sirius woke up, trying to stay still as possible in bed, not wanting to wake his boyfriend. Even in the dead of night, he gravitated to Remus like a moth to a light, a barnacle clinging to the side of a boat for dear life even in calm waters. It had been that way since seventeen, though there wasn't much of an option then given the size of the dormitory beds, but wasn't any different now at 25 when they had a much bigger bed and a bedroom entirely to themselves. Sirius studied Remus in the morning light, counting freckles across the bridge of his nose and the pink left on his cheeks from time spent outside with their four-year-old and not enough sun lotion.

Sirius loved to count the freckles, especially when Remus was asleep and wasn't aware he was doing so. Though he loved to count the freckles during the day too because Remus's mouth would turn up at the corners and his face would flush from the intensity of the attention, but he never told Sirius to stop. Sirius loved the shape of Remus's mouth, the way it was slightly open when he slept; the sandy hair, and the way it captured the sunlight, turning more golden. Less grey.

Sirius wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life waking up next to someone who never complained about Sirius's full body weight on top of him, counting freckles, and making wishes on eyelashes that had fallen out onto cheeks.

"Marry me, Remus Lupin..." Sirius whispered, pressing a soft kiss just on Remus's cheek, as he always did before he got up in the morning. He could hear Harry in his room already, talking away to his toys and stuffed animals as he waited for Sirius to open the door.

"Okay," Remus mumbled in return, and Sirius halted, propped up on the palms of his hands, hovering above Remus.

"You're asleep."

"Sort of."

"You're supposed to be asleep."

"Kind of am," Remus stirred, bringing a hand out from underneath the covers to find the back of Sirius's head, his eyes still half-closed. It was clumsy, long fingers hitting Sirius's face, nearly poking an eye out before he was able to rest his hand where he wanted it to go. So Remus's long fingers could tangle in the curls that had escaped from the hairband overnight. Sirius would find it with the pillows when he made the bed later.

"You weren't supposed to hear that."

"Mmmm but I did. Sorry, too late. Answer still stands."

"...You'll marry me?"

"Yes."

"I have a ring," Sirius told him. Sirius also had plans. He also was working up to book a day at Remus's favorite fancy restaurant--the one they went to and just ate cheese and drank wine until closing. Sirius was going to show him the ring before their first glass. Sirius was going to say something romantic that would make Remus blush, and give the proposal speech of a lifetime.

But like most things he had planned out for him and Remus...they just never worked out the way Sirius built them up to in his brain.

"A ring?"

"Yes. It's in the dresser. Has been for months."

"Can I see it in an hour?"

pink in the night

ok hun i hold you and your BEAUTIFUL WORDS and poor little harry responsible for THIS torrential downpour!!!!

Fault Lines pt. 3

Fault Lines 1- read here

Fault Lines 2- read here

In which Remus and Sirius get divorced and are raising Harry and just doing their very best.

--

February 1990

“Moony, I’m stuck again!” Harry turned over his shoulder from where he was working on maths homework from the tiny desk in the corner of Remus’ flat. Remus had set it up next to his own tiny desk, usually opting to do homework alongside Harry during the week, or at the very least read so his kid wasn’t alone in his misery. Sometimes, Remus even enjoyed it, though he was sure Harry would disagree. Although the shift had been challenging to get used to, the amended custody agreement that allowed Remus and Sirius to switch off month by month was actually proving to be better. They both got more uninterrupted time. Harry was no longer living out of a suitcase and trying to remember to bring his toiletries from one place to another. There were fewer checklists and worklists and just more time. Harry had two sets of clothes, two sets of shampoo, two sets of books, and toys.

Two parents.

Income was stable and Remus finally felt his feet were on the ground after years of floating in uncertainty and uncharted territory.

Remus stood up from the couch and walked towards Harry, not feeling entirely confident he would be able to unstick Harry from the horrors of primary school maths. And what made it worse was Harry being excellent at the subject, and Harry enjoying the subject after spending the first 4 years of his schooling learning maths with Sirius during the week. Remus of all people knew how exciting and captivating Sirius could make a subject sound when he was motivated to do so; when Sirius was interested and engaged, there was nothing quite so blinding. Remus had gotten a NEWT in Astronomy for that reason alone, and even now could go out and look at the stars on the street and hear Sirius’ voice reciting constellation longitudes and latitudes in the back of his mind.

“Okay…let’s…see here.”

“It’s another mixed fraction, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I just keep getting a messier fraction and that’s not right. And then we have to add them but I can’t because I do the first part wrong and then the whole thing is wrong,” Harry looked up at him from behind round glasses, as Remus leaned over his shoulder.

It might as well have been Greek. Remus couldn’t remember a damn thing from his own muggle schooling and even then, maths wasn’t his strongest subject.

“Do…you have a text for this, Harry?”

“It’s at school. We were just given worksheets.”

“Okay…” Remus looked at it again and then back at Harry, “I…am not the person who should help you with this. Why don’t you take a break while I get Sirius over here, hm?”

“Can a break include those chocolate cupcakes in the cupboard?”

Remus smiled, kissing Harry on top of his hair quickly before he could escape from the chair, “As long as you save one for me.”

Harry pumped a fist into the air before getting out of the chair and walking the short distance to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards. His flat had been thrown together with, pieces collected from different shops and yard stales when he stumbled across them. A grandmother's lap on the end table; kitchen chairs that were already broken in with gaudy plaid cushion covers; the rug that tied the space together in shades of burnt orange and brown that just needed some extra love to become brand new. It wasn't glamorous. But it felt right. Remus went to the end table in his small sitting room, grabbing the two-way mirror Sirius had given him when the time between visits had gotten longer. It wasn’t uncommon for Harry to fall asleep talking with his godfather.

“Sirius!” Remus said into the mirror and waited a few moments, the unmistakable sound of classic rock heard in the distance before Sirius’ face appeared. It hurt to admit it, but Sirius looked happier than he had looked in years. Sirius laughed more now, and Remus wasn’t sure if he could attribute the newfound lightness to healing from grief or a marriage that he never wanted. There were some days Remus still put on his wedding ring. Checking to see if it still fit? Checking to see if it was still right to leave it off? Sirius hadn’t touched his since the day they left the ministry, papers signed, tattooed hands now covered with other jewelry. The jewelry Sirius had slowly stopped wearing once the wedding ring went on and a kid was put into his hands.

“Hey Moons, how’s it going?”

“I hope I’m not interrupting a party?” Remus asked, watching out of the corner of his eye as Harry shoved a whole chocolate cupcake into his mouth, “Oi! Make sure you chew that at least 50 times, I’m not prepared to do the Heimlich this evening.”

“Mfffhmmmp!” Harry nodded, exaggerating his chewing for Remus’ benefit.

“Party for one,” Sirius responded, “Do I need to come give an etiquette lesson? I’m sure there’s a book around here somewhere.”

“No, but it would be great if you could come give some help on fractions.”

“Mixed fractions!” Harry said, coming to where Remus was standing, chocolate hanging on the corners of his mouth. Remus angled the mirror down to Harry’s level so he could see Sirius’ face.

Sirius gasped, “Mixed fractions? Those are the best kind.”

“And we’re adding them,” Harry told him, “I think Moony was asleep during maths…”

“Might be right,” Remus laughed and looked back at his ex-husband who had put down a glass of wine he was holding, the music quieting. “Would you mind?”

“I’ll be over. But--”

“But?”

“Do I need to bring my own chocolate-whatever or will I have to lick it off of my godson's face?”

“Gross!” Harry exclaimed, though he started wiping his face with his sleeve, “There’s three left, so you don’t even have to fight over it.”

“Imagine that.” Sirius laughed, “I’ll be over in a bit. Floo alright?”

“Floo’s alright.”

--

August 1990

Sirius attributed it to his namesake that he always had a particular affinity towards the sun. Towards the sky. But particularly, he was certain there was nothing that couldn’t be fixed by enough sunshine, and he was inclined to believe that theory after returning to Number 12 after spending the day at the seaside with Harry and Remus. The water was calm and clear. Remus read on the beach under an umbrella while he and Harry jumped over waves. Sirius loved when Harry was a baby, all soft and giggling; easy to hold and warm against his chest. Sirius also loved when Harry was a toddler and was full of curious questions and too much energy. But there was a special joy Sirius was discovering in having a ten-year-old who now understood how games worked, and Sirius didn’t have to go easy on him while throwing a disc. Sirius could still pick Harry up but didn’t have to be nearly as gentle and he loved listening to Harry’s loud laughter every time he chucked him back into the water. They stayed out there all day, watching the sunset on the sea from a muggle seafood restaurant, and as a result, Harry had passed out in the car on the way home, sunbathed and exhausted.

Sirius also realized that ten was still small enough to be carried up the stairs and tucked into bed after stumbling to get into pajamas. Still young enough to want a hug from both of them before falling asleep.

“I don’t think he’s gone to bed this willingly since he was five…” Remus commented, smiling softly as they walked back to the threshold of Number 12 where all their bags had been dropped in favor of getting a child up the stairs. Harry’s suitcase for the month was still there, Sirius thinking that there wasn’t a better way to start the month and the last few weeks of summer with his kid.

“And he’ll deny it too.” Sirius laughed, “Want to stay for a second? I think I have lemon bars left in the fridge…”

“Well, when you tempt me like that…” Remus said gesturing toward the kitchen.

It was comfortable, as Remus went into the cabinets to fill classes of water and Sirius went to pull out the lemon bars. Harry wasn’t living out suitcases anymore and Remus had stopped feeling like an unwelcomed guest in Sirius’ home. Though, that was probably because Sirius had stopped treating him as one. They had open-door policies during their months, and Sirius found that he would go over to Remus’ flat for dinner sometimes on a random Monday, or meet them in the park on Sunday, at Harry’s request. If Sirius was taking Harry to a Quidditch game, Remus was always invited, even if he usually declined. If Remus was taking Harry to see a special exhibit at the History museum, Sirius was invited (and he definitely declined).

“What’s all this?” Remus asked as Sirius finished cutting out the squares from the tin and plating them.

“What’s all--oh. That. Where’d you find that?”

“I’m nosy and looked through your post,” Remus said inclining his head towards the small table at the edge of the counter that had always held the post.

“Appreciate the candor, Moons…” Sirius put the small plate in front of an empty seat on the kitchen table, noticing Remus bringing the pieces of letters over with him as he sat down. “I’ve…been considering taking a few…courses at the Ministry.”

“This looks like more than considering. It says you're enrolled and--”

Sirius reached across the table, pulling the letter from Remus’ hands whose only response was a cheeky grin, “That’s illegal you know, going through people’s post.”

“Seems like you would know. Has a nice ring to it, I think, Sirius Black, Esquire. Is that what they’d called you?” Remus cut off a piece of the lemon bar with his fork, innocently taking a bite.

“You’re terrible.”

“You’ve told me that a few times before.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and cut off a piece of his own dessert, “Harry starts Hogwarts in…well, too soon. I can’t believe it, really. I wanted to stay home because I know James would have and even when we were together, it was just better with someone at home.” Remus nodded, considering his words, “But…he won’t need someone at home anymore, and I figured I should find something to do. Other than…drinking and going on joy rides.”

“Law? Really?”

“I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve gotten very familiar with Ministry legal procedures these past 10 years,” he said and Remus laughed, “So much of it is bullshit, and I don’t know…thought maybe I would try to put my posh last name to good use and try to…change some of it. It’s stupid, really, but it gets me out of the house.”

Remus smiled, “I think…I think that’s great, Sirius.”

“You don’t need to placate me. It’s just a passing idea, I don’t know if I’m going to start…”

“No, I mean it, I think it’s great.” Remus told him, “And..uh..these are also very good. Thank you.”

“I’ll send some home with you. I can always make more.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.”

"So...law. Politics. Really?"

"Stop sounding so surprised."

"No, I'm just wondering what all the years of disappointing your family were for if you were just going to end up here," Remus said dryly, smiling around another bite, and Sirius laughed.

"You're right. Should I go find my mother's portrait in the attic?"

"I'm sure she'd love a visit. Pleasant woman."

--

Harry woke up the next morning half in his bed, a foot sticking out of cool linen sheets, and the feeling of sun still on his face. But more importantly, was the feeling of Christmas Morning in his stomach. The butterflies--the dragons-- flapping their wings because your body knew what was in store for the day. Harry knew. Because he had gone to bed and both Remus and Sirius were there.

Because Harry had tiptoed out of his room after being tucked in, to get a glass of water and had heard them laughing in the kitchen. And it was late. He didn’t get his water, not wanting to interrupt Remus and Sirius, rushing back to his room with a smile on his face in eager anticipation of the morning. He tried not to run downstairs because he had fallen a few times doing that and a bruised knee was not going to ruin the day, but he still walked quickly. Two at a time.

He expected to walk through and see Sirius and Remus there. Maybe they would have coffee out. Or Sirius would’ve made something special and Remus would be at the table smiling that smile that made him look younger and maybe Sirius would be hugging Remus the way he hugged everyone that made them feel so safe and so cared about. And it would be perfect.

Harry tried not to let his face fall when he walked into the kitchen and only saw Sirius.

Because that was still good. Sirius was the best. Sirius was his favorite person. Sirius always smiled when he saw Harry and Sirius always let Harry pick his breakfast and would usually go flying with him in the afternoons. But he liked Sirius and Remus best.

“Morning, love. Sleep okay?”

“I don’t even remember falling asleep I was so tired.”

“Yeah, you’re getting heavy too. Practically dragged you up the stairs last night…” Sirius teased as Harry sat down in front of him, Sirius kissing his hand before reaching across the table to put on Harry’s cheek.

“Nuh-uh! You’re just old, maybe.”

“Oh, cheeky, I see. So you don’t want breakfast? I was feeling in a chocolate chip mood this morning and made a bread if--”

Sirius had some superpowers that Harry sometimes wondered where he got them from. If like muggle comic books, Sirius was bitten by a spider, and instead of being able to sling webs, he had the ability to read minds, even if Harry had been away.

“I take it back, I take it back! You’re not a day over…er…t-tw-en--twenty?”

Sirius laughed standing up, “Nice save.”

Harry watched from the table as Sirius magically got out plates for them, cutting the bread by hand.

I used to think that the best way was with magic, but I’ve learned that…somethings are just better by hand. The old-fashioned way. You’ll see.

“Hey, Sirius?”

“Hey, Harry?”

“Where’s Remus?” he asked finally. Maybe Remus was still asleep, just upstairs. Or he was in the next room over. Any moment he would come around the corner. Maybe they should wait to eat the chocolate bread because he would like it too. Maybe he and Sirius would go outside in the morning like they used to when Harry was little so that Remus could sleep, and eventually, Remus would appear in the backyard, with his cup of coffee and sweater no matter the temperature.

“Hopefully at his home, and by the time…I would guess he’s sleeping.”

“How come he’s not here?”

Sirius set the plates on the table and sat down once more, “...Why…well he doesn’t live here. You know that. It was nice he spent the day with us yesterday but he went home.”

But he was here! I heard you! Harry wanted to scream already until one of them finally heard.

He was here and now he’s not.

That’s unfair!

He swallowed, “I just thought he might…be here? Like maybe he stayed...”

“Oh, sorry. We can write him today if you’d like.”

“No…it’s okay,” Harry said quietly, looking back down. The Christmas Morning feeling had faded with his appetite, butterflies turned to ashes in the blink of an eye. He picked at the fruit on his plate with his fork, unwilling to look up, the colors blurring in front of him as his eyes filled with hot tears. He tried to push them down, shake them away because it was too early to be crying and he had no reason to be.

Remus didn’t live with them.

He did. When Harry was a baby and everything wasn’t so hard.

And now he didn’t.

And that was that.

And that was the way it had been for years.

There was no reason for tears when this was just how it was.

Harry sniffed, reaching a hand up quickly, hoping Sirius didn’t see him do it.

“Harry, babe, what’s all this? Hey, look at me,” Sirius said gently, one of his big hands coming underneath Harry’s chin, lifting it upward. “Talk to me, please?”

“I…heard you talking last night,” Harry managed, his lip quivering as he spoke, “Like you used to? I just…you’ve been getting along more and I just thought that…”

It sounded so stupid now, saying it out loud.

Harry didn’t have to finish his sentence before Sirius realized where he was going, hating that he was so transparent.

Elastic heart.

Sirius sighed softly, “I’m sorry if yesterday was confusing for you, Harry. We’re...just really trying hard to be friends. We don't mean to send you crossed-signals about that."

“So you’re not getting back together?” Harry asked in a voice so small, it didn’t even sound like it came from him.

“I’m sorry.” Answer enough.

“Don’t you love him?”

“Yeah, I do. I always will. He’s Remus.”

“Then why can’t you be together?”

Sirius paused for a very long time, a thumb running across Harry’s cheek, wiping away tears that couldn’t be stopped.

Torrential downpour.

“Sometimes…it takes more than love to make things work, Harry.”

A heart comprised of too many rubber bands formed into a ball finally snapped, one by one, until there was nothing left.

“Hey, come here,” Sirius said, pushing his chair away from the table. Ten was probably too big to crawl into your godfather's arms. Ten was probably too big to be crying at the table uncontrollably too. But Harry did both, letting Sirius pull him into his lap, and he felt Sirius' arms wrap around him tightly.

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t really either.”

“But...what about my Mum? And Dad? They died because they loved me?”

“They did. They loved you so much.” That wasn’t enough. They're not here either. “We love you too, you know that? Both me and Remus. And none of this--”

“Is my fault, I know…” Sirius kissed him on the top of his head, pulling away just enough so he could look at Harry in the face. “I..”

“What are you thinking about?”

“I…just thought it would be nice if we all lived together again. Kinda got my hopes up…” he trailed off, his arm still around Sirius, not wanting to let go just yet.

“I know the feeling,” Sirius offered him a sad sort of smile, “Do…should we go have breakfast outside instead? I don’t know much, but I do know there…are few things that just a little bit of sun can’t fix.”

Did you take Remus outside when you asked him to leave? Did you take Remus outside in the sun to keep him from leaving?

Harry learned two things that day.

Love couldn’t save a single person.

And the combination of Sirius and the sun couldn’t fix everything.