«ʾIstiġfār»

the haunting is a bad dream

WHY ARE YOU HAUNTED?

A survey

i don't love life, yet. and i don't love this world, yet. but i hated coffee the first time i tried it, too—and now, i drink it every day just for the flavor. so, i'm determined to keep dipping my toes into this life, this world, until the flavor of it starts to grow on me. bitter things, too, can become sweeter.

i know i've like, technically made progress in the past week or so by taking more initiative in taking care of myself and my living space, but it doesn't feel satisfying at all bc i don't have anyone constantly praising me for doing shit a mentally stable person does without even having to think about it. like even just going to the store or making myself food is a monumental task for me, as is everything else, and i just wish people recognized how much ridiculously harder i have to try than them to accomplish the same things. like i'm literally disabled, i have diagnosed disabilities, but bc no one considers them "real" disabilities, no one cares. it's exhausting, to constantly have to put so much effort into doing so little. everything is so hard, even the things that are supposed to be easy. is it really asking so much to want at least a little praise or encouragement for it?

may all i have lost return to me; even in another form, even as something else; so long as this emptiness is filled, i will be satisfied; i want to become a person who wants for nothing; i pray for the day these aching gaps will finally be filled in.

Hey, you are not an embarrassment for not knowing how to do certain household chores/basic self-care. They do not come naturally to us. A lot of it takes practice! Maybe you had a neglectful guardian. Maybe you had one that was very coddling and never thought to teach you. Maybe you haven't lived in a place where these things were available to you or needed. Doesn't matter. It's okay to not know and far more common than you might realise.

That said, this website provides very simple instructions on how to do everyday tasks such as making your bed, using a washing machine, cooking different foods, washing dishes, taking a shower, etc. All you have to do is use the search bar to find the task you're struggling with, and it'll come up with what you need + other related how-to's:)

If you're having trouble navigating it, let me provide you with some examples:

How to clean dishes by hand

How to make your bed (with visual demonstrations of each step!)

How to fold clothes (with visual demonstrations of each step!)

How to take a shower & dry yourself off (also provides ways to shave beards, armpits, legs and genitals)

How to shave legs, armpits, beards, pubic areas, etc. (a more in-depth guide)

How to mop the floor

How to sweep the floor

How to swallow pills

How to make small talk

How to make eye contact in different situations (or how to avoid it while still looking natural)

It's also perfectly okay if these don't help or aren't appealing to you. Unfortunately, nothing helps everyone.

i wish it was easier for me to ask for support and reassurance when i need it but every time i try it feels like a jeb bush "please clap" moment. like hahaha i know i haven't done anything praiseworthy but would you consider praising me anyway?? this whole "staying alive" shit's harder than it looks

beep beep sometimes when you have been in survival mode for a long time the parts of you dedicated to Wanting Things atrophy and you forget how to envision a future that feels rewarding because you are busy with the business of staying alive, and it can seem like your life must be pointless because you can’t imagine any long term goals. sometimes even when you leave survival mode you can’t remember how to Want Things. that doesn’t mean you need to give up on having a good and fulfilling life, it just means that Wanting Things is a muscle you need to gradually strengthen. the part of you that has dreams and aspirations is still there, it just fell asleep, but if you wiggle it enough it can and will regain feeling. it’s okay to start small

jinxing things isn't real. things either go well or they don't, and while you can never fully guarantee they'll go well, the chances improve along with your confidence and diligence. so, what i'm trying to say is, things are most likely to go well when you believe they will and do everything in your power to ensure that it does. things are most likely to go poorly when you believe they will and do nothing to try to change your predicted outcome, perhaps even self-sabotaging to ensure it. assuming all outcomes will be negative from the start and preemptively giving up is the real "jinx," as it is the only way to ensure a 100% chance of failure!

it can be tempting to avoid expressing hope for fear of being disappointed, but in forbidding yourself from even hoping things will go well, you inadvertently create self-fulfilling prophecies. of course, some things will always wind up going horribly, but if you keep your hopes up and keep at it, some things are bound to go wonderfully, too. start telling yourself things will go well, and see where it gets you. prepare for the worst if you must, but always hope for the best. it can be hard at first, but try to let yourself cross your fingers once in a while.

Hello 🫂

I am Bilal from Gaza. I have experienced many hardships since the beginning of displacement within my country. When the danger for us increased, we moved from place to place in search of safety, but we did not leave Gaza. We took refuge in the south after a long suffering of 150 days, where destruction and exhaustion were our companions at every step.

With great difficulty, some members of my family and I were able to leave for Egypt. Getting here was a safe stop, but the journey was far from over. Our hearts are still in Gaza, where we left behind our loved ones and most of our family amidst difficult circumstances.

We did everything we had to leave Gaza, but the challenges did not end here. We are now struggling to obtain residency in Egypt and everything seems expensive and costly, even the basics of living. Despite all this, we are trying to adapt to the situation, hoping to find the stability we seek, and our hearts remain attached to the homeland and to our people who are still there.

In these difficult circumstances, I hope to receive your support through the GoFundMe donation campaign. Every contribution, however small, helps me and my family to overcome this difficult stage and cover our basic needs until we settle in a safe place. Your support means a lot to us and represents a ray of hope in this difficult journey😔

https://gofund.me/ba5b76e9https://gofund.me/bab76e9

The land of Palestine is our home, the blood of its people is our blood. The tears of its children are our tears, and their longing of freedom for Palestine is our longing. We may not live in Palestine, but Palestine lives in us.

#savepalestine #savesheikhjarrah