Wings Of Anxiety

Wings of Anxiety

Hey, this story is for @gaypowersunite. I really hope you enjoy it. I also cross posted this on Ao3.

Virgil normally kept his wings pressed tight against his back. He never let them out to stretch when he was outside his room. Yes, they got sore after a little while and yes, it rustled his feathers to the point that it took forever to groom them.

But, he couldn’t take them out. He just couldn’t. Dark Sides didn’t have wings. Only Light Sides did.

He knew that for a fact. Deceit didn’t have any wings and the other Dark Sides didn’t have them. He remembered Deceit explaining that to him when he had just manifested.

“Us Dark Sides, we don’t have wings.” He had explained patiently. “Only those Light Sides have them.”

Virgil, just Anxiety back then, had blinked up at him and shifted his weight around, his wings flapping slightly. “I have wings.” He whispered. “Does that mean I’m a Light Side?”

Deceit scoffed and shook his head. “No.” His smile sharpened into a smirk. “You’re Anxiety, remember? You’re one of us. A Dark Side.” He knelt down and cupped Anxiety’s cheek. “You having wings is a mistake. Just like you.”

Virgil knew better now to believe everything Deceit said. He was a liar, he lied to get what he wanted. He wanted Virgil to be dependent on him and not to think anything good about the Light Sides. He knew that.

But, Deceit wasn’t incapable of telling the truth. Not everything that came out of that slimy mouth was a lie. When it came to this, Virgil knew that Deceit had been telling the truth. It didn’t matter that what he did, what he had always done, he did to protect Thomas and the others. He was Anxiety. He was a Dark Side and him having wings was a mistake.

Even the wings themselves were dark. Totally black with purple tips. There were little purplish feathers littered in random spots but there were far and few between. They were ugly.

The other’s wings weren’t like his. Roman’s wings were a bright and beautiful red. He was gold and silver feathers lining the edges. They almost seemed to glow when the sun hit them. Logan’s were various shades of blues. They matched him so much. Just looking at them made Virgil feel so much calmer. Patton’s were Virgil’s favourite. They had so many different colours battling for dominance. On any other person, Virgil was sure that it would look so weird. But, they were just so right for Patton. They just complimented him and his personality.

Virgil couldn’t show them his wings. They only just accepted him as a friend, maybe even part of the family. They never brought up the fact that he was a Dark Side. They were trying so hard to make him feel accepted. If he showed them his wings, let his ugly secret out, then everything would be ruined. They would hate him again. They would never want to look at him again. He couldn’t risk that. He wouldn’t give up his family for the world.

So, he dealt with the awkward self grooming. It was difficult to do by himself but he managed. He dealt with the sore muscles. They were easy to deal with, he had dealt with them for years. What wasn’t very easy, was watching the others groom each other. They were so gentle and the wings looked so glossy afterwards. He tried not to stare or have his wings flap in longing. But, they must have noticed his looks because they never groomed each other in the common rooms anymore. It was always in the privacy in one of the other’s room. It was fine, Virgil understood. They could tolerated him yeah, but who would want a Dark Side watching something meant solely for Light Sides. No one, that’s who. Virgil was totally fine with caring for his wings on his own. He didn’t need anyone else to help him with them.

Until he absolutely did.

He didn’t even know how he did it. Maybe he slept on them wrong or maybe he pulled them in his sleep. But, he woke up one day grappling with his wings and just sobbing with pain. They hurt so bad. They hadn’t hurt like this when he went to sleep. Oh fuck, they were on fire.

He tried to stand up, to do something. Maybe, if he groomed them a bit the pain would go away. But it hurt too much. He could only lay on his side and sob. He didn’t think anything could hurt like this. He tried to make a grab for one of his shirts or his hoodie but they were too far out of his reach.

“Hey, Panic at the Everywhere! Patton got breakfast ready for us! Get up!”

Virgil jumped at Roman’s loud voice coming from outside his door and stuffed his fist inside his mouth. He couldn’t move, he could breath. What if Roman heard him? He’d come in. He would come in and see! Tiny whines and gasps escaped through his fist and Roman called again, his tone a little more concerned.

“Virge? You okay in there? You want me to come in?” Virgil heard his door knob twisting and a wail slipped through his lips. His wings were on fire, he couldn’t stop crying, and now Roman was going to see his wings and everything was ruined. He dropped his fist to his chest and shuddered in agony.

He managed to sit up just as Roman opened the door and slipped through. He couldn’t even hide his wings behind his back, they hurt so bad. They just laid uselessly at his side, each twitch sending pain shooting through Virgil.

He clenched his eyes closed and huddled in on himself. Roman could see them, there was no way he couldn’t. He knew and he would tell the others and they would hate him and throw him to the side. He had ruined it just like he ruined everything.

Soft footsteps echoed through his room as Roman made his way towards him. Virgil shook with anticipation and fear. What was Roman going to do? Why hadn’t he gone screaming to the others yet? He flinched back when Roman touched his shoulder but it didn’t dislodge Roman’s hand. It ran down Virgil shoulder and he whined when it touched his wings.

“Virgil.” Roman whispered, in awe? In disgust? “Oh, Virgil your wings. What happened? When did, how did, just how?”

Virgil opened his eyes and glanced up at Roman’s face. He wasn’t even able to read it properly because of the almost complete lack of light in his room. What was he thinking? What was he going to do now?

Apparently Roman knew exactly what he was going to do because the next thing Virgil knew Roman was taking him gently in his arms and shifting him so he was carrying him bridal style. Virgil couldn’t open his mouth to complain, he was past the point of words. He could only moan in pain as his wings gave a painful spasm. Roman just shushed him softly and made his out of the room, keeping a hand braced against Virgil’s wings.

He was taking him to the others. Patton was going to be so disgusted and angry with him. He was going to hate him, Virgil just knew it. Logan was going to hate him too. It was only logical. Dark Side + wings = horrible mistake. It was simple problem solving.

Virgil cried the whole way to the commons. His wings twitched and shuddered along with him, just making the pain that much worst. Roman didn’t stop walking up he was in the middle of the common room and he pushed the coffee table out of his way with a single kick when he arrived. Virgil’s tears got worse when he heard Roman call for the others. They were going to see.

Patton entered the common room first, just seconds before Logan. Virgil starting sobbing violently at the sound of Patton’s gasp and buried his head into Roman’s shoulder. He didn’t hear what was said next, but there was suddenly gentle hands running through his feathers and massaging the muscles near his wing bones. He spasmed again and moaned, in both pain and relief. It hurt, but it also helped.

Virgil was then placed on the floor, stomach first. Someone had placed blankets on the ground and it felt so nice. His wings were being stretched out and he tried to twist away in desperation. Soothing words he couldn’t make out and a hand pushing him back on his stomach stopped him and then a weight fell on his thighs. What was happening? What were they going to do to him?

He was expecting pain, just like Deceit always gave to him whenever he let his wings out around him. He wasn’t expecting more soothing fingers running through his feathers or for the massage to begin again. He arched his back and cried out, this time in relief. He was pushed down again and his head fell in a lap.

He laid there for longer than he could tell, with the Light Sides massaging his sore muscles and grooming his wings. Slowly, the pain bled away. He relaxed, minute by minute, until he was a puddle in their hands. He gave low moans at times and leaned into the hands. He couldn’t help it, it felt so good and he had never had someone touch his wings without pain following close after. He couldn’t have resisted even if he wanted to any more.

Finally, after pain had stopped shooting up and down his wings, the hands stopped and retreated, and the weight on his thigh was removed. His right wing was gently maneuvered so it laid over his left and he was rolled onto his side. He lifted his eyes and they met Logan’s. He was kneeling next to him and was staring at him with concern and confusion. Patton stood behind him and was wringing his hands in worry. Roman was sitting next to Logan and when Virgil met Roman’s, he quickly flicked them away. Roman’s expression was unreadable but his hands were shaking.

“Here.” Logan and Roman gently took him by the shoulders and helped him shift into a sitting position. His wings folded out so they were resting on the ground. Logan kept his hand where it was while Roman slide his down to grasp his hand. Logan’s eyes roamed over Virgil’s frame and Patton walked around and sat down so he was sitting to the right of him. “Try not to slouch, okay?” Logan kept his voice low when he spoke. “Sit up straight, it’ll help. Your wings are still suffering from pulled muscles. Just let them relax.”

Virgil nodded and, moving his gaze so it was trained at the floor, did as Logan said. His chin was grabbed and was raised and maneuvered so he was meeting Patton’s eyes head on.

“Oh kiddo.” Virgil felt tears burning in the back of his eyes at Patton’s whisper and tried his best to blink them back. “When did you get your wings? And, why didn’t you come to us for help? We would’ve made sure it wouldn’t have come to this point.”

Virgil starting shaking again and Roman started to rub his thumb over his knuckles. “I’ve, I’ve always had wings. Ever since I manifested.” He tried to move his head so he didn’t have to look in Patton’s empathic eyes. But, Patton let out a little “Ah!” like he was chiding a puppy and pulled his chin back towards him so he had no choice but to stare in his eyes. “I’m s-sorry.” He whimpered. “I’m, I so, so,” Shame was building up inside of him. This was all his fault.

Logan shook his head and Virgil had never seen him look so lost. “Why are you sorry Virgil. You haven’t done anything wrong. None of us are angry.” He glanced at Roman and Patton like he was looking for reassurance that he wasn’t lying. The two of them nodded in agreement and Roman shuffled closer to Virgil. “Confused, yes, but not angry.”

“I, I did! I must’ve! I’m b-bad!” Virgil sobbed. “I shouldn’t have wings and I’m suh, sorry.” He closed his eyes and pulled away from Patton’s hand still on his chin. “Dark, Dark Sides, we, we aren’t supposed to,” He cut himself off with hiccuping sobs and pulled his hand out of Roman’s so he could bury his face in his arms. His wings were flapping slightly in distress and he felt a little light headed.

Roman immediately placed his arms around Virgil’s shoulder and pulled him towards his side. “You are not bad!” He protested hotly. “There is absolutely no reason for you not to have wings.”

Virgil lifted his head up and whiped his face with his arm. “Dark Sides,”

“You are not a Dark Side!” Patton cried. “Who told you that!? You’re one of us.”

“But I’m not a Light Side.” Virgil whispered. “I’m Anxiety. Anxiety isn’t Light, Deceit told me so, I shouldn’t have wings and that means I’m a mistake,”

Logan held up a hand, effectively stopping Virgil short. His eyes had gone hard and steely. “I’m going to cut you off right there. Would you please explain what you meant when you said Deceit told you? When did he tell you this?”

Virgil’s eyebrows furrowed. “Years ago.” He said softly “He was the first one I met when I manifested. He took me to meet the other Dark Sides. He was the one who told me I was one of them.”

Logan closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. Patton had ducked his head and was trembling, from anger or sadness Virgil couldn’t tell. Roman tightened his grip on Virgil. He could feel Roman’s wings shaking against his.

“Honey.” Patton didn’t look up but reached up and grabbed onto Virgil’s other hand.  His voice was shaking with anger. “Deceit lied. He’s been lying since the start. You are not a Dark Side, I promise you that.”

Virgil just stared at him. Then, he slowly began to shake his head. “But, he couldn’t’ve.” He whispered. His entire world seemed to sway around him. “Deceit, he can tell the truth sometimes.”

“While it is true that Deceit is not incapable of telling the truth, what he told you about you being a Dark Side is a complete lie.” Logan was clenching his hands so hard that his knuckles was turning white. “This, this is our fault.”

Virgil snapped his head to face Logan. “No! It’s not your fault!” How could they even think that? “You didn’t do anything!”

“Exactly.” Logan said. “We didn’t do anything. We weren’t there when you manifested and we weren’t there to prevent Deceit putting such horrible thoughts in your head.”

“We knew from the start that you couldn’t be a Dark Side.” Roman mummered. “We thought that you were a neutral or something. When we started hanging out more, we knew that you had to be a Light Side. We thought, we thought,” He trailed off and buried his face in Virgil’s hair.

“We thought that you had lost your wings somehow.” Patton finally looked back up. His face was streaked with tear stains but his voice didn’t shake when he talked. “It’s why we stopped grooming each other in the common room. We thought that it was cruel to do it where you could see and know that you couldn’t be groomed too. We thought about asking you to groom one of us but, we didn’t know how you’d react.” He bumped his wings against Virgil gently. A shudder went through Virgil’s wings. No one had ever done that before and it felt so nice. “We should’ve asked.”

Virgil didn’t understand. What they were saying went against everything he ever knew. “But, my wings aren’t like yours.” He whispered. “They’re dark. They’re ugly. Why would you want to groom my wings?”

Silence fell for a few moments before Roman pulled away from him and Virgil got a look at his horrified face. “What are you talking about!?” He exclaimed. “Your wings are beautiful!”

He gestured at them. “Just look at them! They’re so black and glossy. And those purple tips! They compliment you so well.” Roman ran fingers lightly over Virgil’s wings. “I noticed when we entered the common room that they shone in the light. They’re gorgeous.”

Tears blinded Virgil’s vision. Were they telling the truth? They had to be lying. They just had to be.

“We’re not lying Virge.” Patton said. “We wouldn’t do that to you. Family doesn’t lie to each other.”

“Indeed.” Logan consoled. “Your wings are a part of you and as such are beautiful.” He reached out and placed a hand on Virgil’s knee. “Everything Deceit told you, was a lie. You are one of us.”

“I’m sorry that one of us didn’t find you when you manifested.” Patton mumbled. “If we had, none of this would’ve happened.”

“That’s, that’s not your fault.” Virgil said, voice cracking. “You couldn’t have known. Don’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t have stopped.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Roman assented reluctantly. “But, now that we know that you have them, you don’t have to hide them. You can’t have them against your back all the time.”

Virgil chewed his lower lip. “What about Thomas?” He whispered. “What will he think?”

“Well,” Logan chuckled. “Seeing as he’s been theorizing about what your wings look like for ages, I think that he’s be quite please if you let your wings out.”

“We’ll have to cut slits into your shirts and hoodies.” Patton muttered. “But, that not too hard. And I’m assuming no one taught you how to fly either.”

Virgil’s mouth dropped and his eyes widen. “We can fly? Like, actually fly?” He gushed. Aside from gliding a little when he was younger, he had never tried to fly. Pride had never enjoyed watching Anxiety glide around and made his displeasure shown. His wings had been extra sore for months afterwards. He hadn’t tried to glide again.

“What, you thought these were just for decoration?” Roman teased. “Of course we can fly.”

“It will take sometime to build up the muscles necessary for your wings to carry you.” Logan sat back and adjusted his glasses. “But, with time you will be able to fly. I remember the drills that I ran when I was learning. With all three of us helping you, you’ll be flying in no time.”

Virgil leaned forwards in amazement. “You’ll help me?”

Patton’s eyes shone with tears. “Of course we’ll help you kiddo! That’s what family is for.”

Roman grinned. “We can use my room for practice! There’s lots of room in there to move around. We’ll have to focus on gliding around first and then,”

Logan cut him off. “However, one thing I must insist on is grooming. It is essential for us to keep our wings well cared for. While you have done a good job in self grooming, I’m sure that it’ll be easier if you join in on our,” Logan grimaced. “Grooming circle.”

“If you’re not comfortable with that, that’s okay.” Patton assured. “We could do it one on one if that’s better.”

Virgil swallowed back a sob and nodded. “That sounds okay. The grooming circle thing, I mean. But, I’ve never groomed anyone else before. What if I do it wrong?”

“We’ll teach you.” Roman said. He tugged him towards him and pulled him into a hug. The others joined in immediately. Virgil’s wings brush against Logan’s lightly. “We’ll teach you.”

Virgil shuddered at their touch and then leaned into the hug. His wings flapped eagerly and he could feel Patton’s joining in. “Yeah, okay.” He buried his face in Roman’s shoulder. “That sounds good. Thanks guys”