How Do You People Deal With Your Emotions? I Can't Even Apologize Properly Without Panicking

sometimes i just need to listen to music or im going to lose my mind

hiii jess, do you have any video essay recs?

YES i do. i do.

any by jacob geller, but my personal favourites are who's afraid of modern art, the legacy of the haunted house, and fear of depths.

hbomberguy's fallout new vegas video (which i legitimately watch nearly weekly and i have actually cried over it before! i am a very stable person!) and also his pathologic video!

social constructs by philosophytube

why is lefttube so white? by kat blaque, and also!! her take on dave chappelle's comedy

naughty dog's game design is outdated by nakeyjakey

bo burnham vs jeff bezos by cj the x

scomo by friendlyjordies

bdg skyrim book report

the culture industry, and why marx was right: alienation by plasticpills

lana del rey: the pitfalls of having a persona by mina le

(not a video essay, more of a vlog, but) cooking in a vietnamese 'poverty' kitchen by luna oi!

the nostalgia critic and the wall by folding ideas

daddy issues, misogyny, and the pinnacle of male privilege by shanspeare

horror books have lost their identity, and the nightmare artist by in praise of shadows

the power of abandoned places by hello future me

the death of a euphemism by innuendo studios

Robins

Phew that took WAY too long for just a doodle. But anyway, uh here they are. 

Timmy

tbh the idea of immortal character's personal growth is interesting and doesn't seem to be explored enough

I mean, how many times have we seen an immortal character drop the whole "actually I'm several hundred years old" bombshell, and they still act like the exact same person they were at age 20 or whatever. how many people do you know who are still the same as they were even just 10 or 20 years ago? yet somehow eight lifetimes came and went and had no impact on this dude?

Give me immortal life stages. Give me

millenia old characters poking gentle fun at someone who's 200yrs old and in their edgy 'brooding' phase.

midlife crisis immortals who just got bit with the 'what am I doing with my life?' bug, who suddenly feel like they're wasting their gift and they need to be making the most if it right now

you know what, I want an immortal who keeps having weird skills/knowledge, and everybody assumes they've got this big elaborate backstory because of it, but no, it's just all from that one fifty-year span where they decided they needed to learn how to everything or else they were wasting their potential

immortals who have changed their stances and opinions on issues but now there's callout posts for things they said in letters to their friends a hundred and fifty years ago, like yes @cumberbatchcockdongle, I am sorry I said transphobic things about the bearded lady at that circus in 1872, please kindly forgive me and/or fuck off

characters going through the eternal cycle of whether loving mortals is worth the inevitable grief. the answer always depends on how recently they've been bereaved. just a merry-go-round of 'better to have loved ans lost' versus 'shitfuck grieving hurts I'm never doing this again'

super laid back immortals who have lived through so much nothing phases them, and sometimes they have to be politely reminded that things do not always 'work themselves out' for mortals

I am always on some level thinking about Lan Sizhui’s trauma, and this was only compounded for me on this rewatch, because I’d forgotten just how absolutely abysmal Wei Wuxian’s mental health is during the burial mounds farming commune stretch of the show. Just extraordinary emotionally volatile, prone to angry outbursts, and with the capacity to drop from soaring enthusiasm to plunging despair at the drop of a hat. And they’re all living in such close quarters that his erratic moods and unacknowledged trauma that he’s stewing in just kind of spills over into the overall environment.

And certainly Wei Wuxian is great with a-Yuan, and is a positive influence for him in many ways! But none of them are living in an optimal environment - they’re struggling to get by, and frequently short on food - and Wei Wuxian in particular has an entire festering host of Issues that the current situation is only exacerbating. He’s living in a place that traumatized him, and to some extent he feels trapped there - he chose to help the Wens, but now that he’s made that decision, there’s no going back, and he explicitly knows he has no other options at this point. He misses his family and Lan Zhan. He’s practicing a brand of magic that is wreaking havoc on his temperament and eating him from the inside, and he’s gone through a voluntary but nonetheless pretty traumatizing kind of body modification. He can’t be expected to function at his best, or do as right by the people in his life as he could if he were in a healthier place.

So of course a-Yuan is affected by this! He can tell that one of his favourite people is frequently stressed, that his moods are easily ruined by little interferences, and that he’s sad for reasons that are hard for a little kid to comprehend. a-Yuan gets yelled at for uprooting a lotus plant by accident - and sees Wei Wuxian, rather than try to replant it, declare the venture hopeless (you have to be careful what you do, all the time, because he’s always hovering over a pit of despair and any little thing could flip the switch!). a-Yuan witnesses Wei Wuxian become physically violent towards Wen Ning after the JZX stabbing fiasco. For most of that outburst, a-Yuan is crying in the background after getting a truly terrifying glare from Wei Wuxian. 

Sharing an environment with someone who does not have access to the kind of coping mechanisms they need - and compounded with the fact that a-Yuan has already gone through a considerable amount of trauma due to being a war crime survivor at an incredibly young age - is it really any wonder that teen Sizhui has so many people pleasing impulses? Is so accommodating and acquiescent and pacifying, so inclined to mediate and de-escalate? I see people saying that it’s a wonder that Sizhui turned out so well compared to everyone else, but imo the way he turned out makes complete sense, and I don’t think that his interpersonal behaviour is entirely healthy either.

For me, what exemplifies it the most is this little exchange when they’re at the restaurant with Lan Wangji:

Wei Wuxian gets upset when the topic of Jin Zixuan comes up and slams his jug on the table in a sudden burst of anger; a-Yuan reaches out and gently puts his hand on his arm. It’s a very sweet gesture, but in in the context of everything else, there’s also something unnerving about it to me, in the sense that this toddler really seems to have internalized that it’s his responsibility to manage the emotions of his caregiver.

Aaaand what do we seem him do, in episode 2, as a teenager? Once again feeling responsible for managing the emotions of people older than he is; jumping in to bail Lan Wangji out of his extremely petty vow of silence by engaging in diplomacy for him and defusing a conflict based on a grudge that he doesn’t have the context for. 

And I think that his relationship with Lan Wangji also compounded these same issues for him. When Lan Wangji comes out of seclusion and starts being a major figure in Sizhui’s life, he’s still pretty freshly grieving. Sizhui is likely one of the few bright spots in his life, and I’m betting Sizhui picked up on that, if perhaps only subconsciously, and developed a deeply protective impulse towards Hanguang-jun. Once again, feeling responsible for managing an adult caregiver’s mood. And again, of course Lan Wangji had plenty of positive impacts on Sizhui, and was overall a force for good in his life. But both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji have their own baggage that they’re not super great at coping with, and that has an unavoidable impact on Sizhui’s development as well. 

Saviour

The Book of Names lists each person murdered at Auschwitz

How would zyx have handled being born in the canon sects?

my brain is mush, but let’s give this a shot. in no particular order...

Yunmeng Jiang: 

Comes over as part of the Meishan Yu side courtesy of Madame Yu, as Yu Lin 虞琳 (no courtesy name, same lin character as in DBD). 

Freaks out when she Realizes some realizations.

And then it’s down to business because she fucking lives here now, it’s her fucking house and it’s going to fucking catch fire.

Due to precociousness and competence from of being Done since birth, she’s trained as the successor of Jinzhu/Yinzhu for JC. 

Pre-WWX arrival, she sticks to teaching/providing emotional and mental support to the Jiang sibs so they don’t end up so screwed by their parents.

(Secretly works with JYL to help her cultivation bc fuck that noise.)

Once WWX arrives, she ends up tag-teaming with JYL to keep the peace. WWX ends up treating her like Shijie #2 - especially when he starts to cultivate and notices that she knows a lot more than she lets on.

WWX: “Lin-jiejie! Play with Xianxian!” JC: “Wei Wuxian, have you no shame? Even our shimei is more well-behaved than you!” WWX: “Our... what?”

(Still younger than everyone, but she never says anything. Conceal don’t feel.)

Overall: more emotionally stable and patient, Exhausted(TM), and much more reserved. Can’t wait to fuck off somewhere.

If the Golden Core transfer thing is going to happen, it’s not going on her watch - she’d knock WWX out, let JC take her GC instead, and then finds a nice quiet mountain to retire onto. Immortality didn’t mean much to someone that has died before. Also, the math then works out. Everything should be okay. Right?

(Obviously, no. But we’ll leave it at that.)

Lanling Jin:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lanling Jin is... ugh. Name: Jin Zi’ai/ 金子藹 (zi as the generational character, ai for affable/luxuriant)

IDK if you know those dinner parties with your relatives when you are done with their shit by hour 2... but it’s like that 24/7. She awaits the day she’s powerful and influential enough to go feral.

The resources available to her are awful. She’s a close enough cousin that she has to see JGS’s shit all day. Deal with Jin Zixun all day. But for the sake of survival and agency, she grits her teeth and ingratiates herself with Madame Jin to get close to Jin Zixuan and get access to better cultivation education and resources.

Mme Jin cuts her a deal - if she can be useful to her son and the heir of Lanling Jin, she’ll help out on the side.

At first, JZA (god that’s so weird to see a vowel in an MXTX name abbr) is planning to just use JZX and get the fuck out.

And then his awkwardness makes her care. Damn it.

Plan: Get her uncle pushed down the stairs Actively set up JZX to take over Lanling Jin by Year 5 post-Sunshot Campaign.

Reluctantly ends up taking MY/JGY under her wing once she remembers the Qin Su situation. Ticks another year off of JGS’s life.

Best fucking friends with LQY.

(Plans go to shit once she meets people outside of LLJ. Recalibrating...)

(Due to a bad JZX/JYL encounter, WWX makes an exception and she’s the only girl he hates. “Just as insufferable, if not more, than that Peacock.”)

Qinghe Nie:

It’s fucking cold. She complains about humid heat, but she also bitches about cold and snow. All weather sucks.

QHN is probably the only sect that lets her get away with as much as she does in Shuangfeng. Goes gender-neutral again.

Name: Nie Yunxun. Done.

‘Don’t yell bankai, don’t yell bankai -’ as NYX is training with a humongous sabre. Big sword is encouraged. Give an inch, take a mile.

Da-ge energy pulls them in like a black hole. “Damn it, now I fucking care.” None of this Song of Turmoil Shit on their watch.

(”Da-ge,” because NHS latched onto them and NMJ allowed it, “Not everything is so black and white.” Tries their best to slowly make him chill the fuck out.)

Pretty prim and proper despite a foul mouth - slated to take over for Nie Zonghui when it comes time for the new generation.

Refuses to believe that eating dirt is the only future for sabre-wielders. Convinces NHS to trust and confide in them once he figures out what they’re trying to research and test.

(NHS latching on - 1) he catches NYX punning a subtle insult on LLJ during a discussion conference, 2) while escorting NHS to watch a play, he then catches them making the bitterest commentary on the not-so-great plot, and 3) on the days that he really can’t confront the fact that his Da-ge is going to cultivate to his own death, they will lie to NMJ’s face with no shame and let him hide.)

Uses QHN reputation to their advantage to play stupid and guileless. “A pretty, dumb brute.”

In public, NYX is essentially NHS’s long-suffering henchman.

In private, NYX and NHS are the Shady Duo, scheming tirelessly to... make the Cultivation Realm better, of course :) (better for some, not for others.)

Gusu Lan:

This feels worse than LLJ.

Lan Wenhui 藍文慧, wen for literary, and hui for intelligence.

CR is fine to visit, but awful to grow up in.

Grows up like a grumpy version of Lan Jingyi, because she knows that things aren’t going to be okay and there’s nothing she can do about it from her position.

Acts out a lot (like pre-ZYF death little Lin-lin). Sometimes accidentally, sometime purposefully. Living the CR feels like perpetually having an itch that she’s not allowed to scratch.

In trying to ‘tame the little beast’, LQR discovers two methods: 1) stump her with challenging/stimulating work, or 2) make LWJ ‘babysit’ her.

(Never mind telling an eight-year-old to watch a seven-year-old - but it’s the Chinese way to outsource your older kids to watch younger kids)

LWH can’t bring herself to be mean to LWJ. Thus LWJ gains a reluctant cousin-friend, and a buff to his social interaction skills.

LXC dotes on her so unabashedly that she effectively goes speechless for the whole day out of embarrassment.

Thus LQR discovers method #3 to nerf the Little Devil of the Cloud Recesses, and is so proud of himself and his nephews.

(WWX kicks him off his laurels when he arrives.)

Endgame: post-SSC (since she’s not in a position to change much without being scrutinized), seeing the 3Zun’s essentially make an alliance sans YMJ (+ JYL being betrothed to JZX), JGS basically is the most influential leader of the cultivation world.

Fuck no.

She orchestrates a ruse, if you will. ‘Accidentally’ lets JC pull her ribbon and doesn’t object. When questioned, lies and says that ‘he was her first love since catching a glimpse during the Cloud Recesses.’ (Complete with inflectionless voice)

“well shit, there’s nothing really objectionable about this match... so... congrats on your upcoming nuptials?”

Actually using that time to 1) go back and forth between YMJ with a semi-legit reason to interact and collude with the Yunmeng sibs and warn them of the upcoming BS, 2) delay the JZX/JYL wedding, 3) give LWJ time with WWX and hopefully they both get their heads out of their asses.

Shenanigans, fake dating/betrothal-turned-real? idk.

Qishan Wen:

The worst. Worstest. 

Two options:

Option one, side-side-side branch Wen

She’s fucking off.

Learning some cultivation/stealing some manuals, do a little spying and map-making, and deserting. 

Drops some secret missives for the other main sects, when the information becomes more relevant. 

Due diligence done, fucks off to some coastal town as their standoffish, neighborhood Cultivator. 

Micromanages the town and its well-being with the tenacity of playing a city builder/animal crossing in her previous life. 

Grow old. 

Die.

Option two, Wen Qing/Wen Ning’s family, the middle child. Wen Ling 溫玲, ling for exquisite.

She’s close enough to be in WRH’s purview but not in his main family. Whew.

Tries to convince older sister WQ to turn traitor and dip. 

Almost causes catastrophic end for their family bc of premature planning. 

She can’t play the same espionage game as WQ or MY/JGY does with WRH because she knows there’s no recovering from being publicly seen supporting WRH post-SSC. So she just works as a mainline fighter bc at least she’ll be able to defend herself and feel ‘useful’.

Fakes death and deserts mid-SSC. 

If lucky, lives and reluctantly infiltrates LLJ to be in the position to rescue her family after the war.

If she’s not... WWX kills her while she’s on the battlefield. She sees him and picks that moment to fake her death.

In this case, WWX catches her in the act, kills her but she calls out for WQ.

WQ learns about her death. WN is the one to tell WWX about the relation.

Tries to revive her as ‘owing one’ to the Wen sibs, looks for her corpse, encounters LWJ, gets his help to catch her soul with inquiry.

(Prime LWJ vinegar-drinking as he makes up his own reasons for why Wen Yuan exists and why WWX is taking care of him).

Ends up possessing WN on accident when WangXian returns to the Burial Mounds, able to help avert the Qiongqi Path incident.

Grimy spytime shenanigans to fight back against LLJ and surviving, and ends up passing on once things settle.